by Andy Cohen
TUESDAY, OCTOBER 13, 2015—NYC—AUSTIN—NYC
Woke up at 5:00 and was at Newark by about 5:35. I was nervous about the speech I was supposed to give to media executives at the Spredfast Summit, because the organizers had given me crazy guidelines like “RUDIMENTARY ADVICE about social media will NOT ENTERTAIN this crowd.” So I had to step it up for Spredfast, I guess. They gave me a pair of cowboy boots, which I wore onstage. I thought I was bombing during the speech because no one was paying attention, but it turned out they were all looking down at their phones tweeting everything I was saying, so I guess that’s a success. Jill’s team put together a PowerPoint presentation for why she should come back to RHONY, including text messages among her and LuAnn, Sonja, and Ramona. She made a compelling case! Landed back in NYC and the Cardinals’ do-or-die game against the Cubs was on. Watched with Wacha. They died.
WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 14, 2015
Two shows. We had a meeting to decide whether to make Dallas a Real Housewives city and I can’t decide if we’re making the right decision. I’m more excited about the promise of Potomac but feel like I am in the minority. There is something missing from Dallas. But we’re doing it. Bruce thinks Anderson and I should move hotels this weekend to the DuPont in D.C.
THURSDAY, OCTOBER 15, 2015—NYC—LOS ANGELES
Time to make my number unlisted. I had another 4:45 a.m. airport pickup and my home phone rang at 4:00 with some stranger wanting to know if I’m the Andy Cohen from Bravo. Anderson doesn’t want to move hotels; he thinks we will like the Four Seasons in Georgetown better. I invited #BrazilianAndySamberg to come and I’m really excited. Decided on the plane that I was going to wing my keynote address at the LinkedIn Talent Connect conference. They wanted me to talk about my career, and if there’s one thing I excel at, it’s talking about my career. I got there and it was massive—3,500 people at the Anaheim Convention Center with my face blasted onto huge screens behind me, a Britney Spears kind of microphone headpiece, and no podium or anything to put notes on. So I paced around the stage and winged it. Kathy Griffin texted that she’s “in D.C. at the 4S” and I didn’t know what she was talking about. She said, “You’ve been in St. Louis too long.” I figured out it’s the Four Seasons. So I guess we’ll see her there. Celebrated John Mayer’s birthday with him.
FRIDAY, OCTOBER 16, 2015—LOS ANGELES—D.C.
6:00 a.m. pickup, so that was late for me. Slept a chunk on the plane to D.C. and I think I snored, so I apologize to all affected. On the way to the hotel Liza said, where is your WWHL team staying, the Econo Lodge? I said I didn’t know and got to the 4S (I’ve got it now!) and saw Anthony, Chelsea, and Danny at the front desk checking in. So I loved that. Of course I saw lots of red coming towards me when I checked in and it was Kathy, who is right down the hall from me. How small is the world? She told me Billy Corgan is here at the hotel, and I think he might be a nemesis of AC’s. They had some fight about cats. When I got to my room there were four Coke Zeros, which I thought was funny because that’s Anderson’s thing. He loves Coke Zero. Then there was a knock on the door and someone brought in chocolates with Anderson’s face on them. I said oh, I think you put me in his room. They said no problem, stay in this one, we will switch you out and put his stuff in his room. So then they wheel in a huge tray of stuff for me: Jolly Ranchers, Swedish Fish, Goldfish, Doritos, Cheez-Its, tequila, Fresca, ginger ale, and Maker’s Mark. It made Anderson’s four Coke Zeros and chocolates look pathetic. I was amused. Took a big nap, literally Dorinda style—naked under the covers. Then I took the WWHL team out for dinner and to a gay club. AC met us and we all had fun. They gave Anderson an interior room, and I’d gotten his!
SATURDAY, OCTOBER 17, 2015—WASHINGTON, DC
The hotel is crawling with comedians in town for the Eddie Murphy tribute at the Kennedy Center. Dave Chappelle left a message for Anderson to call him; he said he wants to come see our show. AC told him it’s a lot of drunk women and he said that sounds perfect. #BrazilianAndySamberg arrived, cute as ever, and we were out the door for the show when I saw Jon Stewart, who said what are you doing here, I just saw Anderson, and I said we’re on tour. He said, what do you do? I said I don’t know, it’s hard to explain. He said, “I’m busy too! I have stuff going on!” Kidding. Made AC stop at the Lincoln Memorial to take a pic of our heads for Instagram. (It’s our thing, the tops of our heads with a landmark behind them.) He wasn’t thrilled. Lots of people backstage before the show including Real Housewives of D.C.’s Lynda Erkiletian and Ana Navarro, who worked for Jeb Bush. The theater was pretty charged up—the show was sold out—but I felt like I was going to puke for the first hour. We always make a big deal out of the straight guys who come to see the show because we say they’re dragged by their wives, so during the meet and greet AC says to this couple, “Oh, you’re the straight guy,” and he says, “The last time you saw me I was a WOMAN. We met after Hurricane Katrina,” and I flipped out. We went to Town after and walked right into the middle of the drag show and I immediately got pulled onstage. Anderson was outside, and I gave my phone to #BAS and said, “Text Anderson not to come in—he’s gonna get pulled onstage.” He didn’t get the text and came in. She tried to get him to come up, but he wouldn’t. Feeling all lovey-dovey for #BAS.
MONDAY, OCTOBER 19, 2015—NYC
Radio show with Monica Lewinsky, Sienna Miller, and Dr. Drew. There’s a big Radio Andy launch party Thursday night, to which I’ve given zero thought. Went to Anderson’s dentist for some intense whitening. Took a few selfies there and realized that at some point I’m going to have to break up with my dentist of twenty-five years. How does one do that? Whoopi was sick, so we booked Anderson for the show with Molly Ringwald, who asked how I get my teeth so white. I was thrilled and Anderson was proud.
TUESDAY, OCTOBER 20, 2015
My agent emailed that NBC agreed to let me do New Year’s Eve Game Night live from the Rainbow Room, and then going to Times Square with Carson, which is exciting. I think it’ll be fun. Had dinner at the Perskys’ and I brought Wacha. Bill said I am bigger than everything I am doing (meaning the Housewives) and I said no, actually no one is bigger than anything; this is the world we live in. Came home and saw the Potomac show and loved it! It’s a Housewives! It’s all about rules and etiquette and it’s funny and feels like early Housewives.
THURSDAY, OCTOBER 22, 2015
Tonight was the Radio Andy party at the top of the Dream Hotel. I broadcast live for three hours from the middle of the room, interviewing the whole lineup of Radio Andy talent (Sandra, Bevy, the Alters, Jason Biggs and Jenny Mollen, John Hill, etc.) plus friends who came to support me (Hoda, Gayle King, John Mayer, BJ Novak, Mark and Kelly, Susan Lucci!). It was kind of frustrating because there was a table of my friends who I wasn’t interviewing (Jeanne and Fred, Amanda, Dave) sitting at the table next to me and I couldn’t talk to them all night. Sometimes those parties aren’t actually fun to go to, but you do it to be a good friend. And I was grateful to those who did.
SUNDAY, OCTOBER 25, 2015
I feel awful about the fact that every time Em is in town, we have someone booked who she doesn’t care about seeing. Tonight was Amber Rose, and it didn’t go great for anybody. She didn’t want to answer any of my nosy questions about Kanye or the Kardashians. Oh, and she wore her sunglasses on the air. A viewer said, “Will you take them off so we can see your eyes for a second?” and she said no. We were going to break and I said well, we’re going to figure out what we can do with you when we come back. She said, “Am I the worst guest ever?” I said you’re in the running. I wound up liking her, though. She had a good sense of humor about being a bad guest.
MONDAY, OCTOBER 26, 2015
We’re in big discussions with several of the New York Housewives about their future on the show. Mike Tyson came in to Radio Andy and was hilarious. Saw #BritActor at the gym. We are going out tomorrow night but I am being cool. He should be able to sample the buffet while he’s here and I’m busy anyway. Talked t
o Bill Maher’s producer to see if I could be comfortable with going on the show despite Mom’s dire warnings. The concept became about me as a reality producer looking at the election as a reality show—I can handle that. I called Mom and told her; she was very skeptical. 6:00 p.m. rolled around and we emailed two New York women saying the offer has been pulled and they are no longer Housewives, but I have a feeling this isn’t the end of the discussion. Dinner with John Mayer and Ricky.
WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 28, 2015
Last night, after a mediocre date with #BritActor, the lights were out and it sounded like Wacha was barfing or coughing. I said, “Are you okay, buddy?” and he looked at me like he was okay. Woke up and there was barf everywhere on the bedspread. So I guess I slept in that. We sorted out the New York Housewives—they’re all back, and Ramona called to say that LuAnn is actually not very bright when it comes to business deals. I told her to save it for the show. Randy and Fenton came over to work on Then and Now. It poured all day. NBC needs me to go to LA to rehearse on the Hollywood Game Night set and Maher will fly me out, so it seems like the smart thing to do. The temp elevator guy wanted to kick some guy’s ass for saying hi to me on the street. He literally said, “Do you want me to go kick that guy’s ass?” He wants to be my bodyguard.
THURSDAY, OCTOBER 29, 2015
So it turns out Hamilton actually lives up to all the hype. I finally went with Benjamin. What an achievement. Went to a party after for the cast and talked to Lin-Manuel Miranda, who seems very lovely and humble.
FRIDAY, OCTOBER 30, 2015
New Year’s Eve Game Night meeting at 30 Rock. Went to John Varvatos for a fitting and I’m fairly certain I have moobs, although the PR guy said I don’t. What’s he going to do, agree with me?
Drag show with #BrazilianAndySamberg and his friends. We were in a little box on the side of the theater next to NPH, David Burtka, and Daniel Vosovic. They set us up for bottle service but I freaked when they said it was six hundred dollars for a bottle, even though ours was free. I don’t do great on vodka. It was all the stars of RuPaul’s Drag Race and the kids were going mental for them—just screaming like crazy, and #BAS’s friend kept saying it was so cool of me to have an open mind to drag since I really didn’t know who any of the queens were and I said honey, I moved here in NINETEEN-NINETY and used to go watch Wigstock for NINE HOURS in Tompkins Square Park, so don’t lecture me about being open-minded about drag. I went there! Shangela introduced me and I got a smattering of applause, and she said, “Did any of you see WWHL last night?” and no one clapped. These kids don’t have cable! Oh, wait a minute—how do they see the queens on Drag Race?
When we left, the huge bouncer kept telling us to get off the sidewalk, that he had to clear the sidewalk. He was saying this to us four people in front of the basically empty club with no line out front. I lost it—do NOT tell me I can’t be on the SIDEWALK, I am a CITIZEN of NEW YORK CITY. I turned into Reese Witherspoon in the back of the police car, just as awful and righteous as I could be. I said I don’t do well on vodka! This isn’t me! I was like Dorinda! Went to the Phoenix and had a blast. #BAS and I were boyfriends all night and it was great.
SATURDAY, OCTOBER 31, 2015
Happy Halloween. I showed #BAS the apartment construction and kept saying, “This is your bathroom; this is your oven.” I am sure I will see that bouncer at the next event I want to go into and he won’t let me in. Vodka! Went to the Dead show, which was very high school—Dave, Tom Reko, and Jeanne. Later we were joined by Fred—in a long blond wig—and Jim Shuman. It was awesome. We heard “Terrapin Station”(!), “Samson and Delilah,” and more. Mayer was a game changer. Gave him the biggest, proudest hug after.
SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 1, 2015
Dead show again. John is breathing new life into the band! It’s incredible! The third song was “Bertha” and they could’ve called it a night after that, that’s how good it was. Went to WWHL and #BAS and his friend came. The audience was dead and so I kept punctuating things with “ha ha,” like Nelson Muntz from The Simpsons. I didn’t notice but #BAS did. When #BAS walked into my office after the show, Wacha went right to him and was all over him all night. He loves him!
MONDAY, NOVEMBER 2, 2015
Anderson said, “Dogs know!” So that’s a good sign about #BAS. If it were up to Anderson, I’d marry him tomorrow. Did two hours of radio in the morning, then went to Bravo. I was Padma’s date to the Elton John AIDS Foundation benefit, which consisted of many speeches reminding us how amazing Elton is. Padma pointed out that Elton wears long coats like Hillary’s, only his are bedazzled. Susan Lucci came by the table to say hi and we talked about her Fred Leighton necklace for a while. Saw her talking to Judith Light and it was a very One Life to Live/All My Children crossover moment. Gus Kenworthy was sitting between me and Anderson. He is very pretty. And Matt Lauer looked crazy handsome in his tux. WWHL was the Vanderpump Rules guys, so it was like a night off.
TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 3, 2015
Publication day for the paperback of The Andy Cohen Diaries, which means I’m going on a mini–book tour over the next couple weeks and I’m tired already. Pretaped Giada De Laurentiis and Jerry Rice—we were gonna do Teach Me Your Talent with him, where he would teach me how to snap a ball. It seemed like it was going to be very gay and hilarious. Then we got to taping the show and he was like, I’m a wide receiver; I’ll just throw you the ball. So that was boring.
Here’s what happened at my book signing at the Tribeca Barnes and Noble: A lady made me a ceramic sculpture of Wacha’s head using only dental tools, two Australians separately gave me their numbers with notes saying “Drinks later?” (the answer was no), and three trans gals pitched me a trans version of Real Housewives. There were two Lindas who spell their name “Lynda,” a Christine who spells her name “Kristeene,” and that old lady with long blond hair who comes to every signing I have and gives me some kind of a chip that looks like a poker chip but has something to do with astrology. She always says, “Here’s your chip!” like I’ve been waiting for it or it’s a rite of passage at a book signing. And the truth is I like it.
Topher Grace and Maura Tierney were live.
WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 4, 2015
Wacha was on some holiday pet segment on Live! with Kelly and Michael and I was terrified he’d do something weird but not only was he fine, they had us standing behind a table so you couldn’t actually see the dogs. So that was odd. Now they wanna move the New Year’s Eve show to the SNL studio because the Rainbow Room won’t work. I let it slip on Amy Phillips’s radio show that there would be a new Housewives “sooner than you think,” and so that fucked everything up and Bravo is rushing to announce Dallas and Potomac next week.
Book signing in Jersey. Sold 350 books.
FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 6, 2015—NYC—MIAMI
I left the house very early to do CBS This Morning and when Sherman’s assistant, Ronnie, came to pick up Wacha he was acting like a snarling, wild wolf, barking and growling from the back room. Ronnie wouldn’t even go back there, and I didn’t blame him. Sherman wound up having to come in and get him—thankfully he ran to Sherman. I guess the dog was furious at me for leaving him and decided he wouldn’t play along? I don’t know. Otherwise the advice Cesar Millan gave me a few weeks ago seems to be working—just let him come to other people, don’t let them come at him when they are on his turf, and if he growls or barks, listen to his signal. Flew to Miami and got in one hour at the Delano pool, and it was blissful seeing Soledad and Diego and the whole nice crew. Some woman sent me a tequila but I couldn’t drink it; I had to work. Had a fake business meeting at the Palace with Jenn Levy and the Below Deck producers. Here are names of people I signed books for: Genesis (not a stripper; I asked), Brittnie, Rhonda and Herb (Rhonda told me she has the sexiest wonky eye in Miami and Herb nodded in agreement), Arika, Kimmy Wimmy, Jenny Poo Poo (she came with Kimmy Wimmy), Murisa (an even more phonetic way to spell Marisa!), and Latarsha.
SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 7, 2015—MIAM
I
Below Deck reunion all day. Emile is so dreamy, I want to eat him with a spoon. Did I say that? Got in one not-totally-satisfying hour under cloudy skies at the Delano pool before it was time to go to the JCC in Fort Lauderdale. The intensity of the Jewish woman cannot ever be overstated. “I want another picture! Let’s do it standing up, I’m wearing a jumpsuit!” I was played out after the signing, and then I got up to speak and the first question was what did I think about the Harry Hamlin Halloween costume and I explained that he went as Sid Vicious and wore a swastika T-shirt, which is what Sid used to wear, and that I wasn’t offended because I didn’t think Harry was condoning the Holocaust or anything. This was the wrong thing to say at the JCC—and I mean the entire room turned on me immediately, so I just changed my opinion right there and said I was terribly offended. They all clapped.
SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 8, 2015—MIAMI—NYC
Got two hours in the sun this morning and then flew home. All the gals at the security area in the American terminal in Miami know me. We kibitz. ChaCha had cancer, but she is better now and her hair grew back. Landed at LaGuardia and the parking lot was closed so we had to walk about eleven minutes to the car, which I guess was the last straw for me because when I finally got home I was feeling so tired and overbooked and lonely and why-am-I-doing-all-this. Just overextended. The light at the end of the tunnel is Thanksgiving, but the next two weeks are going to be bad.
We were about to go on the air with Kandi and Vivica Fox after the RHOA premiere for a forty-five-minute supersized episode and I was wondering what we were going to talk about when Vivica dropped a bomb—she alleged that 50 Cent was actually a “gay booty snatcher.” I was floored, Twitter blew up, and Vivica and WWHL were quickly trending all over the country. Mama Joyce was the bartender and the gay shark came out with a Bertha-Day cake (we love Aunt Bertha). Met John Mayer and his brothers for a drink after the show and it was amazing—like Mayer Brothers Riff Fest 2015, three tall straight guys with different levels of full hair and excellent personalities. I told them about the Harry Hamlin kerfuffle, and what ensued was a most informed discussion of motive and reaction.