by Andy Cohen
MONDAY, NOVEMBER 9, 2015
I love the promise of a beautiful early morning in NYC; I walk Wacha and see people emerging from their buildings, ready to conquer the day. Doormen are surveying the scene outside their doors. This morning I was on Sixteenth and Seventh when this hot doorman looked at me. “My wife loves you,” he snarled in a thick Russian accent. “She wants to have sex with you.” I said we should have a three-way and he said okay, bemused. Then I got home feeling tired already, and the elevator guy who is always trying to be my bodyguard and take me out the back door said, are you okay? Do I need to break somebody’s arms for you? And he was serious. I said, “I’m tired!”
The radio show, for which I remained exceedingly tired and cranky, wound up being fantastic. John Hill was late—the L train broke down—and huffing in an Uber, so I was solo for the first hour and fifteen minutes, talking to myself, and then Paul Bettany came in and was charming. Seal and John Hill arrived at the same time and I’d told Tim to play Seal during the whole interview and he wound up singing along with himself, which brought tears to my eyes and bumps to my goose. No joke! His team had said no Heidi Klum questions, but I asked him why he renewed his vows so many times—I said I thought only Housewives did that. He said he hated it and only put up with it and it was a circus. So that was fodder for the blogs all day. Then Sandra came and we dissected the Kris Jenner birthday video and that was a joy. A JOY! She had Lady Bunny on her radio show and I sat in for it gleefully.
My Ukrainian mistress just did a fitness competition and was all spray tanned. I tried to get him to stop with the fitness competitions. Went to Hickey’s play opening with Amanda; he is the star. He’s very specific about the reviews—you’re not allowed to mention them, good or bad.
After the show I FaceTimed with #BAS and #BritActor for twenty minutes each. #BAS’s friend thinks I am Caesar Flickerman. I get that a lot. It’s not a compliment. Mom texted after the show—Tom Sandoval and Caroline from Ladies of London—saying, “not in our realm.”
TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 10, 2015
The day finally came when I had to decide about the heated toilet that my mom has been at me about for over a year. She said she would buy me one and Eric said you know what, nobody’s ever been upset with a heated toilet, so do it. I texted Mom saying okay, I’m in. I said, I can’t believe you’re gonna buy me one of these—they’re between five and six thousand bucks. She was like “WHAT?? Mine was 900 bucks.” So now I have to decide whether I want a cheap heated toilet or the top of the line. This is how you go bankrupt, and this is why I am going to keep making paid speeches.
Two-hour meeting at the apartment with everybody—Eric, Gordon, Fanuka, blah blah blah. A hot worker who I have never seen was eating lunch in the corner, where the bar is going to be, and I was pretending to take pictures of the construction but really I was taking pics of him. It was pervy. When I tell you this guy had no interest in me, I mean no interest. Anyway, so what I haven’t factored into this whole apartment-expansion equation is the installation of furniture, wallpaper, and painting that will happen after the construction is done. So I’ve been saying it’s gonna be done in April, but it’s actually June, says Eric. So the parody of construction delays continues. Does that mean July?
Taped Daniel Radcliffe and James McAvoy, who both seemed gayer than me. I am so fat in the face it’s beyond comprehension. Came home and got deep with Lynn on the phone—I’m lonely, tired, at the end of my rope. Luckily the show, with Hickey and Christina Ricci, felt like another night off.
WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 11, 2015
It’s Dad’s birthday; I got him the same Ralph Lauren lined sports coat that I bought myself. I hope he doesn’t hate it. Shot wraps all day for Then and Now. Got home to the news that the jacket didn’t fit Dad and it is “too stylish” for him; he doesn’t know where he would wear it. Mom and Dad are driving to Columbus this weekend and will finally see AC2. We’re gonna meet there the night before for dinner, so I can look forward to more details on the jacket. Mom also wants to have a “FACE to FACE discussion about BILL MAHER and WHAT you plan to SAY.” Drew Barrymore was on the show and unleashed an unprecedented river of words; we were 4:30 over, which never happens. We had a Drag Barrymore contest with three queens—Mimi Imfurst was Drew as Gertie from E.T., Brooklyn Ford was Scream Drew, and Sherry Vine was Grey Gardens Drew. Sherry won. FaceTimed with #BAS and discovered he has never seen four gay classics: Grey Gardens, Mommie Dearest, The Women, and All About Eve. Is this proof that I’m too old for him? The live show was Ralph and Elizabeth Hurley. Wacha growled at Ralph and I got freaked out. We went to Anfora after the show and I said, “I’m sorry he growled at you,” and Ralph brushed it off. “He was threatened; don’t worry about it.” Why am I always having to remind myself that this is a dog I’m dealing with, an animal?
THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 12, 2015—NYC—DC—NYC
Took an early train to D.C. for a book event. Emailed with SJP about being at the end of my rope. Every time I complain about how busy I am, I think of her and add three kids into the mix and scratch my head. And she retains her composure, which is incredible.
The Brooks story is hitting the fan. He admitted falsifying documents after City of Hope came out and said he was never treated there. Shannon is sending me articles, Tamra is sending stuff from E! news, Vicki is saying, “You would think I had been dating a member of the Taliban.”
Signed five hundred books at the venue when I got there—in twenty-five minutes. The Q and A was fine, and I took photos for a half hour after. There were a few cute guys, actually, which is kind of a new thing at these signings. And a lot of people wanted to tell me they knew someone who once worked at Bravo, once appeared on a Bravo show, or that they knew someone who kind of knew me or knew someone who knew me. Everybody wants to make a connection, but they don’t realize that by doing that they are preventing us from making our own connection by bringing someone I barely know into it. I get the impulse because I do it too. You want to separate yourself from a random fan, but you wind up taking away from your own moment. Catch-22! They gave me a Fresquila, which was great, but then I couldn’t continue drinking because they didn’t have tequila on the plane home—it was all I wanted. Speaking of that, Dave announced that he’s quitting drinking, which is making me question my relationship to alcohol—how sometimes before a show I will feel sick at the thought of drinking but will have one anyway. It’s so obvious, the idea of me becoming a serious alcoholic. I hope it’s just obvious and not inevitable—those are two different things.
Landed at eleven and the man waiting for me with a crumpled sign with my name on it looked like he was my dad’s age. Actually, he pretty much looked like my dad, although he was stooped over and wearing a driving cap, which my dad doesn’t wear. But he had a wide-wale brown sports coat on and had to be seventy-five. (I don’t think the Ralph Lauren sports coat would work on him, either.) So he reminded me that the parking lot is closed and we had to walk about a mile to the car. First no tequila, and now this? The struggle is very real. I felt that my life was in danger the entire drive home, like when I would sit in the back seat while my grandfather drove me down the Inner Belt to Allen Foods with his blinker on the whole way. Got home and went to bed. Wacha was in Brooklyn because I leave again in the morning, and it felt weird not having him bundled up with me. Can’t believe I have to schlep to Columbus tomorrow for the AC2 tour. I am ready for June to be here. I wanna go home.
FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 13, 2015—NYC—COLUMBUS, OHIO
Peeled my ass out of bed to fill in for Kathie Lee, and luckily they let me skip the 8:00 a.m. meeting so I could arrive at 9:00. Had the greatest time with Hoda on air although I made two generalizations about lesbians, said there are no Jews at NASCAR races, and said “screwed up,” which the producers there don’t love as a term. #BritActor was at home watching—his first time seeing me on TV. Went to Bravo and threw shit out, then spoke at a lunch at Mediacom or Mediavest or one of those ad-buying agencies. Wolfe
d down two pieces of pizza and went home to pack and then to the airport for Columbus.
There’s a store at LaGuardia called America! that I was mocking, but by the time I landed I was ready to shop there because Paris was attacked tonight. Horrible. The first text I got was Anderson saying, “I have to go to Paris; what do you want to do?” He suggested I go on alone tomorrow night, which I couldn’t imagine doing. Waiting at the Columbus airport was a cute Will-and-Grace couple with signs welcoming me and an offer of a ride to my hotel with Fresquilas and pot. We had a bunch of hugs and took selfies instead. My parents dealt with the news that they’d driven seven hours just to have dinner with me very well. I was worried they’d make me stay the whole weekend with them, but we decided to get the hell out of Dodge tomorrow and AC and I picked a date in January to reschedule our show. Had a nice dinner at The Sycamore, then the driver dropped me off backstage at the Grateful Dead show, which was the greatest overlap in tour scheduling ever. I entered right after they’d finished the first set. Hung with John in his dressing room, got high, drank whiskey, studied the set lists and found I was okay having missed set one (except for “Cumberland Blues”) and excited for what was to come (“China Cat/Rider,” “The Wheel,” “Good Lovin’,” “Playing in the Band”), which I watched with Chad in the carpeted sound-board area right in the middle of the arena. Then I joined John on the side of the stage for “Drums/Space” in a black crepe area with Bob and the keyboardist. Fun! I stayed there for a few more songs and went back to the sound area for the rest and remarkably ran into the “Grace” woman from the airport. Hung in John’s room post-show shooting the shit, then he split to get on the bus to Greensboro, North Carolina. I took an Uber to the gay bar Union and met a twenty-two-year-old on my way in, who introduced me to his friends.
SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 14, 2015—COLUMBUS, OHIO—NYC
Went to breakfast with Mom and Dad and who were in my hotel restaurant but Will and Grace. How small is Columbus? Mom spoke to me about Bill Maher; she’s skeptical of my confidence. “It’s the SEASON FINALE? Oh no, that’s BAD!” Landed back in NYC and took a three-hour nap, naked in the sheets like Dorinda every day at four. Went with #BritActor to a Scottish pub, which was sweet. At Bar Centrale the door was locked and I felt like I was in the Twilight Zone. Hickey came out and opened it, and Mary said they lock it to keep people out and just to call next time and say who’s at the door.
TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 17, 2015
Three shows today. Two radio interviews, not to mention two pre-interviews for Bill Maher, which now have me worried I’m either overprepared or underprepared. This thing has too much buildup, and this is coming from a guy who loves an overhyped event. I was honored tonight by the Hetrick-Martin Institute and Bevy presented my award with heart and humor and big-bustedness. Dennis Quaid was on the live show and I fell in love with him.
WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 18, 2015
Woke up and judged a gay phone-sex contest on Howard Stern; they’d had all the guys on staff try gay phone sex and I judged who was best. Howard declared me Top Gay at the beginning of the segment. I called in from my bed! Mom texted that she knows I’m gonna be great on Maher, so maybe it will be okay. Natalie Dormer is coming on the show and her people didn’t want her to play Katniss Everpeen, where she would guess her costars’ identities from pictures of their crotches. Hmm.
THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 19, 2015—NYC—LOS ANGELES
Flew to LA and headed straight to rehearsal at Hollywood Game Night while I spoke to Mom, who reiterated she knows I will do great and she is just giving me trouble and not to worry. It was really sweet, and I said, “Thank you; I appreciate it,” and she said, “NOT!” Checked into Room 1207 at the Sunset Tower but they have the penthouse available for tomorrow. I texted John Mayer to ask him for advice on whether it’s worth moving because I know 1207 is his favorite, but he said to take the penthouse as long as I don’t unpack. Dinner at Bruce’s.
FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 20, 2015—LOS ANGELES
Went by Jason Blum’s office for a tour and a kiki, then to the Palm for lunch with Bruce, the entirety of which we recorded for Radio Andy because what could be more gripping than our lunch? I had such agita about looking like a moron on Bill Maher tonight that it made Bruce edgy. It was like we were waiting for test results to come in. Jason Bateman was there, and Brian Grazer. And you know what? The lunch was entertaining. It was reality radio.
Went to World of Wonder to do voice-over for Then and Now. Got back to the Tower and my phone rang and it was Scott Carter, the executive producer of Maher, who ran me through my segment again and was super specific about where I was sitting and about not having to jump in during the panel after my interview and the choreography of everything and I almost hung up feeling really good about it, but then he said he wanted me to come early and I started wondering why they kept running me through it and got panicked again.
Walked into the artist entrance at CBS at five-thirty and immediately smelled the familiar TV City smell, which is like an elementary school. It was where the CBS News LA bureau was, and I always loved the smell in there. They had me in one of the Young and the Restless actors’ dressing rooms and when I went in, there was a note from Doug Davidson, who I hadn’t seen since my days at CBS fifteen years ago. Scott, the producer, came in and said Senator Angus King had seen Doug coming out of the door with my name on it and said, “I’m looking forward to going on Real Time with you, Andy.” So that was the first time someone mistook a soap star for me. Scott briefed me again, of course. Doug came by looking like vintage Paul Williams from the day, and I was so excited to get the tea on his life, Y&R, what he thinks of Eileen on RHOBH, and the horrible pay cuts they’ve all had to endure because the soaps aren’t what they used to be. I asked what he’d done to his face and he said nothing, and I said, would you tell me if you had?
Bill Maher’s show leaves you packets of information in your dressing room, so I was studying about Syrian refugees and national security in the age of ISIS before I went out there. I was the icebreaker funny segment after the panel, then I was expected to stay and join the discussion. As I was waiting to go on the discussion was so heated and so over my head that I was feeling flashes of “Mom was RIGHT!” I was thinking about how she asked Joan Rivers at Liza’s wedding if she thought I should ever go on Bill Maher and Joan said, “Don’t do it; it’s a really hard show,” and then the stage director was telling me to stand on my spot because Bill was about to introduce me.
I came out with a lot of energy and he immediately asked about my mom not wanting me to go on the show, which I ran with. The audience laughed. They were ready to laugh after all the seriousness, as Scott had told me they would be, and I had them. I went into my spiel about the election as reality TV, talked about Trump being like a Season One Housewife (delusional, will say anything, bad makeup yet to be fixed) and the debates as Real Housewives reunions (I compared Hillary’s tirade about Wall Street and 9/11 to Teresa’s table flip—effective, but didn’t make any sense). I told Caissie’s joke about Ted Cruz having the voice of a regional theater director. Then Bill brought up Lindsey Graham and I started to panic because I know nothing about Lindsey Graham, so I changed the topic to how great Gavin Newsom (one of the panelists) is. He went back to Lindsey Graham and I figured he had a joke he wanted to tell, which he did—that he thinks Lindsey Graham is gay and doing it with John McCain. I went with it.
I was sitting next to him after our segment when he went into his comedy bit, which included a thing about a prostate massager, and I started mugging for the camera, knowing they were going to cut away to the gay guy. Of course they did. The rest of the show was great. Lots of texts and emails after. Mom’s was, “Good job . Whew. You sure looked handsome .” Cher texted, “REGIONAL THEATER ANDY YOU’RE FKNG KILLING ME. YOU WERE ADORABLE. FUNNY … AND TELL YOUR MOM I SAID WAY SMART ENOUGH. SO PROUD OF BOTH MY BOYS THIS WK.” (She was referring to AC in Paris.) If I can get approval from my mom and Cher, I’m good.
Went
to dinner with Bruce and Bryan at the Tower. Saw Greg Berlanti and Robbie Rogers—they’re so cute. And Patrick Stewart, who got a bad table. I felt like I was walking on air, I was so relieved that the Maher thing was behind me and I didn’t embarrass myself or betray my lack of worldly intelligence. Twitter was really happy with the appearance too. RELIEF! Met Billy Eichner at the Maher wrap party (it was their season finale). Had a long talk with Maher, who was really complimentary and wants me back. We talked about pot, being single, aging, our schedules. He was great. There were a few gay jokes thrown around the party in a way I haven’t heard for a while. It was old school. He told me my drink was faggy looking, and it was—I’d ordered a Maker’s and ginger but they gave me something that looked like a Hawaiian cocktail. I asked for a new one—I wanted them to butch up my cocktail for Bill Maher! Had fun talking to Gavin Newsom (who started following me on Twitter), the hot Ben Domenech guy (who got a selfie for his aunt or someone), and Senator King, who invited me to the capital for a tour. I made friends with the panelists! Billy and I left the party and went to Revolver, which was a sad scene, but we had fun.
SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 21, 2015—LOS ANGELES
This morning at the Tower, I complimented the waiter, Cody, on his hair and he proceeded to give me a monologue about how bad his haircut actually was. Cody said he feels great when his hair looks great, his teeth are white, and he’s tan. But he never feels all three of those things at once! He is from South Florida and can’t tan! His last name is White, and he thinks that’s a curse! He doesn’t have a pool in his complex in Hollywood, which adds to his tanning problems. So there is a lot going on in Cody’s mind. Can you imagine how exhausting it is to be Cody’s girlfriend? When the mood of the day is dictated by how tan he is, or how he feels about his hair? Cody is not a singular case; this is probably true of every man in LA. And woman. Nice breakfast with Jason and Lauren and Roxie, and the truth is that Cody is a cool guy and I’m glad he doesn’t struggle alone.