Superficial

by Andy Cohen

  Did the Today show with Hoda and Kathie Lee, who asked me why I was yelling for the whole segment and I said, you should talk. I’d told the makeup lady to only put it on under my eyes, so she kind of wound up doing the top half of my face and when I saw myself in the monitor I looked like I was halfway made up, with a Richard Nixon guilty-ass upper lip. So that wasn’t a good look.

  Later I worked out with my Ukrainian mistress and ran into this hippie dude I met on Fire Island, who asked if I was wearing makeup and I realized I’d never taken off what little I had on. I’m on The View tomorrow and they wanted me to play Plead the Fifth with Raven-Symoné and I gave them three questions (including “What would you say to Bill Cosby if he walked in right now?” and “Who was the worst guest since you’ve been on The View?”) and the ones they brought back were so lame that I said let’s not do it.

  Barry had invited me to the Grenadines for Christmas break and it looks like it’s going to work out—so I invited #BAS, who is coming. I said, would you rather love only once than never love at all? He said yes, so I said okay, then I’m gonna take you on this trip but it’s going to ruin travel for you forever. I haven’t brought a date on one of these trips in ten years! I’m so excited! I predict everyone will fall in love with him. Dinner with Amanda at Boulud Sud. It was heavenly. We had caviar for two, which was delicious, but I had stern words for the blinis, which were too doughy. Dinner was great—branzino for two and mushroom risotto. The chef came by after and said he was glad we both got caviar because they just started doing it, and both of us almost told him the blinis are fucked up and then we bagged it. Got home and Richie said there was an ESPN party on the sixth floor but there were no famous people. I said I don’t need famous people to be at the ESPN party and that I didn’t know what that meant anyway. He also said the guy I asked about yesterday has a one-bedroom and that I have the nicest apartment in the building, so that made me feel good.

  SATURDAY, DECEMBER 12, 2015

  SantaCon today (again—it feels like it’s twice a year) in the 60-degree weather. Gay people don’t seem to take part in it, which is interesting because it’s all about costumes and drinking. It’s all straight, buffoonish guys who I’m pretty sure wind up doing it with dudes at the end of the night. I don’t know why. Went to the Seinfelds’ party and talked to Howard about Radio Andy and my expert judging of the phone sex contest, the latter of which he was trying to explain to George Stephanopoulos, who I think was horrified. He says he hasn’t decided whether he’s staying at Sirius, but I think he’s out the door. Skyped with my parents—I told Mom her boobs look huge. “I know!! They’re NOT FAKE EITHER!” Dave came by with Catie; it was very cute hanging out with father and daughter. Then Allison and Julia stopped by, and then John Mayer came over with Ricky. Horse Meat Disco with Anderson and Ben et al., where I met a cancer doctor who seemed nice.

  MONDAY, DECEMBER 14, 2015

  For years I’ve been proud of my ability to rebound after a big night and power through the day. I’m not a hangover guy, but today I think I might’ve reached my limit. Against all better judgment, I let my happiness about last night’s premiere of Then and Now and our live show with Patti LaBelle and Phaedra guide me to Easternbloc, where Benjamin was celebrating the bar’s tenth anniversary even though AC and Pablo had bagged it because of our late night on Saturday. I think it was the blessing that Phaedra’s mother, Pastor Regina Bell, did for Miss Patti at the end of the show that had me feeling Jesus enough to go to the East Village. Anyway it was a messy shitshow, in the best way. Mistress Formika was there in drag for the first time in years, and Hattie Hathaway performed and she’s about ninety so that might’ve been drag history. I had a blast with Benjamin, though there were some real land mines in there, either people that I knew and didn’t want to see or people I didn’t want to know. I happily went home around two and unhappily was awoken at 8:00 a.m. for the radio show with a text from Bill Persky saying he was sick and couldn’t make it today, which meant it was gonna be a lot of me talking into a mic for two hours. We made it through, and thank god for John Hill. Went from there to a meeting at the apartment—walls are starting to go up. Jennifer Lawrence taped WWHL at 3:00 p.m., and I wish every guest had the same enthusiasm for coming on the show! She was more excited for this than anything, she said. As she got made up she pummeled me with questions about Brooks and the cancer, Giggy, and my interactions with the women. She was an open book on the show, she said she was high at the Oscars and a bunch of other stuff. We traded numbers after and I put her in my phone as “Katniss Everpeen,” which is a game we finally got to play (costar crotch guessing, of course).

  Went to The Daily Show and I was so tired I was falling asleep sitting up. And the producers don’t tell you anything, which is both fun and a little off-putting. Trevor Noah is so adorable I can’t handle it. We just talked, which might’ve been kind of boring but it was what it was. Went home and got the dog and he waited in the car while I went to Radzi’s holiday party, where I talked to Kristen and Josh about how they made it through the Ashley Madison thing, then to the True Entertainment party at the Dream Hotel, where I met the Real Housewives of Potomac for the first time. They are in the exciting phase—about to launch, lives about to change, like they’re waiting to jump off a cliff. I told Karen and Katie not to get invested in Twitter and gave my whole spiel about developing a hard shell. We all took a pic. Phaedra came and Steven and I tried to talk her into letting us follow her when she takes the kids to see Apollo in jail. Back to WWHL for James and Lala, who both cursed up a storm, and I yelled at them about it so many times and was so frustrated that I wound up giving them the Jackhole on air, a first. It was a really gross show. Lisa Vanderpump texted and said she was in the boonies with no TV but she was getting a lot of tweets and wondered what happened. I said they made Jax look like Masterpiece Theatre, that’s how gross they were. I went home and was asleep by twelve-thirty.

  WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 16, 2015

  Did a great hour-long interview with Barry for Radio Andy in his office at IAC. Heard creative for some cold opens for New Year’s Eve that all seemed to be about me being gay, so I killed them. I’m trying to push them to book some more edgy people for Game Night but I don’t think they love my ideas. Teresa gets out in one week and I got an enthusiastic email:

  THE TRACK HERE IS THE BEST I AM OUT THERE ALL THE TIME AND THIS DECEMBER HAS BEEN AMAZING SEE GOD LOVES ME HE KNOWS I HATE SNOW AND IT SNOWS ALLOT HERE. THANK YOU FOR REACHING OUT TO BOB I WANT HIS DVD’S FOR WHEN I GET HOME SO I CAN KEEP WORKING OUT … 11 MORE DAYS TILL I AM HOME. YEAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! SO EXCITED!!! XOXOXO

  She really wants these Bob Harper DVDs that he sent for her but that seem to have gotten lost in the mail. I was surprised there was a track at all! Did the radio show with Billy Eichner and Whoopi Goldberg, then taped a show with them. Passed out staff holiday gifts, which were very cool speakers. Maya Rudolph and Will Ferrell were on tonight and were as funny as you want them to be. We finally dressed Wacha up as Chew-Wacha in honor of Star Wars.

  THURSDAY, DECEMBER 17, 2015

  I don’t know what got into me but I FaceTimed #BritActor for the first time in at least a month and we had a sweet, flirty convo. I hung up and sent him a saucy text saying, “Before you become a lesbian and move in with your beau can we please get together,” and he replied that he was afraid it was too late for that. I said, “I’m happy for you” (I may not be), and he said, “Cheers!” which made it worse somehow. Thankfully I went directly to lunch with John Mayer, which was a Christmas lunch, we decided, and that meant we were going to have a glass of wine, which meant cancelling Stan, my Ukrainian mistress, for the second time this week. John thinks it is great for me to be soundly rejected, that it will keep me in check. I don’t totally agree but appreciate the thought. I also think it’s good to focus on #BrazilianAndySamberg, who has not exhibited one flaw. On the way out we ran into a table full of Bravo ad-sales people and clients and John and I dueted “Have Yourself a M
erry Little Christmas” for them, so if that doesn’t make them buy an ad on my show I’m out of ideas. We went to some by-appointment vintage store on Wooster in the pouring rain and I lasted about two minutes and then left him there.

  Did a live Radio Andy Christmas special for two hours—a “Holiday Hangout with Amy Sedaris” was how it was billed, and it was exactly that. A blind guy called in and Amy was giving him all sorts of shit. And a guy who had size 16 shoes, which Amy called “baby coffins”! Her gift idea was these fake testicles you buy at medical supply stores to see if yours have testicular cancer. They cost $150. After the show we went to the Bowery Hotel and met Justin Theroux—he just got Instagram and is obsessed—and then to meet Jim and Meghan Edmonds at The Spotted Pig.

  FRIDAY, DECEMBER 18, 2015

  Worked out with the Ninj. Forgot to bring him a present. Lunch with Bethenny; we talked about #BrazilianAndySamberg. I’m excited about the trip with him, and to introduce him to more of my friends; he has only met Anderson and WWHL people. Fitting at Ralph Lauren—the salesmodel served the dog a treat and water on a tray.

  Went to Harry Smith’s Christmas party, then Liza’s. My Dominican Uber driver was so cute, and I got it in my head that he was flirting with me the way he was looking at me in the rearview mirror. He started talking about how people are up for and into anything in the DR and I said yeah, that’s my impression with all my Dominican friends in the city (as if I run in exclusively Dominican circles). He said yeah, women will do anything, and I said yeah, and guys too. And that shut that down with a slam, so I don’t think he was saying what I thought he was saying. All my drivers are horny these days. I think the holidays make everyone horny. He did tell me how hard life was in the DR, and he sends money home to his family all the time; that’s why he came here, to help his family. But he said no matter how many troubles you have, you always have time to enjoy your life. That’s the Dominican way.

  SATURDAY, DECEMBER 19, 2015

  Worked out with my mistress. He is so Ukrainian. I give him assignments every time I work out with him; today I told him to look up the words “repressed” and “asexual” in his Ukrainian-English dictionary because they both came up in our conversation. I came out of the locker room and he was doing it.

  I shopped like crazy today, having bought not one gift up to this point. For myself I bought: a gold ceramic gun (I might give it to Bryan), a vintage pair of Nikes, two ties. I got a bandanna for Wacha at the Levi’s Store. The lady who has helped me at Black Fleece for the last five years said they’re closing—no more Thom Browne designs for Brooks Brothers. She thinks Brooks didn’t want to pay him anymore, or something. I only loved his ties, but I mean, I probably have fifty of them. I bought eight more for friends; they were half off. Then the lady ear doctor came to do a mold of my ear for my New Year’s Eve earpiece because it’s gonna be so loud in Times Square, but I have so much wax in my ear she couldn’t do it. Apparently I have to go get them cleaned out. I took the dog out and told Richie that the beautiful lady who was just at my apartment was an ear doctor and he told me all about his “lazy ear,” which I never knew existed. He said, “Right, like you know how you got a lazy eye?? I have a lazy ear! It rings when a baby cries and stuff.” So even my elevator operator knows that I have a lazy eye, and apparently it’s fine to just sprinkle that into general conversation.

  I was Barkin’s date to Julianne Moore’s Christmas party; then had a long hang at the Bozzis’. Daniel Craig was there, looking like a piece of cake right out of the oven.

  SUNDAY, DECEMBER 20, 2015

  Wacha is a hero. I’d just gotten a long massage, was late to dinner, and was fixing his when he saw the mouse that’s been terrorizing us for the last few months. He jumped into action and chased it into the living room. I actually saw the mouse running from him, and like that, Wacha POUNCED and I don’t know how he did it but he killed him fast, with no blood. Suddenly there was just a cute lil’ dead mouse, belly up. Wacha turned and looked up at me and it was like the “brand new day” number from The Wiz. It was a euphoric moment for both of us! He knew he’d done good, and I flooded him with treats. I buzzed Richie, who said, “What happened what happened???” His excitement was diminished when I asked him to please remove a mouse from my living room. He said, “Mices are my phobia! I can’t with mices!” I was too excited to deal with the double misplurification of the word “mice.” He overcame his phobia and there were no more mices.

  Stopped by the Bozzi family Christmas, then went to Blue Ribbon with Jimmy and Nancy. I delivered Bruce’s present to Jimmy, which was the original Carson caricature right off the wall of the West Hollywood Palm on Santa Monica. Jimmy freaked.

  MONDAY, DECEMBER 21, 2015

  Woke up to a day I’d been looking forward to for a few weeks—Bruce live on the radio with me for two hours followed by a Persky lunch. Then it all happened and it was kind of a letdown. Not because it was bad, but it was like I saw it happening in front of me but I wasn’t in the moment. I want a do-over.

  Got my ears cleaned out by Gwen Korovin and I felt like I was giving birth out of my ear. A lil’ wax fetus came out. She has that magic machine that sucks it out with no pain.

  Michael Patrick King’s Christmas party was great and very adult. Talked to Adri and Susie Essman by the Christmas tree, and SJ pointed out Michael’s writing room, where he wrote every episode of Sex and the City at this little Puritan antique desk. Guests included Hickey, Slattery and Talia, Bridget Everett, Jonathan Groff, Mario Cantone, Julie Halston, Jhoni Marchinko, Judy Gold, and on and on. Got a script in my email for the cold open I’m taping in the morning for the New Year’s Eve thing and skimmed it in the bathroom and couldn’t tell if it was funny or not. Walked home with Hickey and SJP. It’s like 60 degrees outside again; I slept with the door to the terrace open.

  TUESDAY, DECEMBER 22, 2015

  Woke up and revisited the script and it’s cute. Went to 30 Rock. I said hi to Carson Daly, who had vodka in his dressing room—he was in the SNL host dressing room and I was in the musical act dressing room—and I said, “We’re gonna get along just fine,” and he said, “We already do get along well.” We shot a cold open all day that inserted us into all the big news events of the year. I asked him questions about Total Request Live, Christina Aguilera, his commute, the Today show, whether he made a lot of money at MTV, and on and on. He asked me if I cook, which I thought was funny because I only use a toaster oven. Old-school hangout later at my apartment with Dave, Jeanne and Fred, Amanda and Jim, Bill and Chris, Liza, and Bruce. I didn’t cook. It was perfect.

  WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 23, 2015

  Took Wacha to the Animal Medical Center to have them look at his hip and see about getting the other one done. The second Ray turned onto the block the dog seemed to know we were somewhere he didn’t want to be. He was hyper going in, though he didn’t put up a fight, but by the time we got in the office he was cowering in the corner. I said since he got the first hip replacement he is now Cujo at the doctor’s office, and Dr. Hart said, “He seems like a five out of ten,” and took him away. He returned twenty minutes later and said, “He’s at eleven,” and that they weren’t able to do any X-rays or anything. Wacha had shit on the floor and stepped in it, so it was mainly about cleaning the crap off his paw. The vet gave him medicine and said we can do the other hip now or wait for it to get worse; we just have to decide. So I’m gonna see how he does on the medicine and go from there. The doctor is kind of hot. Would it be hot to date a vet?

  It rained all day. Lunch with Hickey and Jeff at the Village Den and then pished around the construction site. Worked out with my mistress.

  THURSDAY, DECEMBER 24, 2015

  It’s a 70-degree Christmas Eve. I was in and out of the blues all day, just generic holiday melancholia.

  Worked out with my mistress again. Dinner with Bruce and Bryan and Ava at Waverly Inn; they were really backed up so the service was blah but it was fun. So I’ve been loving my blabby elevator operator spi
lling the tea about other people in the building, but guess what? It works both ways! Will told me that his friend heard from my elevator man that I have guys in and out and that he gets me pot, neither of which is true, so now I don’t know whether to believe anything he’s told me, but it’s not going to stop me from gossiping with him. And it’s not like I don’t love men and pot, so he’s not so far off.

  Billy Eichner and Heath came by on their way to Jewbilee—an all-Jewish gay Christmas Eve party—and we had drinks while listening to Christmas music and weighing the pros and cons of going to Jewbilee. It was my last night with Wacha for a week, so in the end I walked them to the corner and sent them off. Some guy on the street with his three-day-old dog was lamenting that the pup wouldn’t shit and then said, “Are you Andrew Cohen? Mind if I tell you that your programming is the end of civilization?” I said you can say what you want, but I wouldn’t love it. Then he went back to talking about how frustrated he was with his puppy and Wacha, right there in front of the guy, took a massive shit. I said, “Oh, he has no problem shitting.” I was glad I chose Wacha over Jewbilee.

  FRIDAY, DECEMBER 25, 2015

  Debated wearing a red flannel Cardinals onesie to walk over to brunch at Michael Rourke’s house. Bruce was on the phone and on the fence, he said to “maybe go for it.” Hickey said, you can’t do that on the street. Wacha was obsessed with Beckett’s rabbit in a cage. His mouth was watering—he is a confirmed killer. Went over to Amy’s and we had a conversation that, upon further analysis, would only happen between single adults. We talked about trivets (specifically the felt-ball one I got for SJP), how I finally figured out I want my mom to get me a terrarium, and feeling blue on Christmas Eve.