Superficial

by Andy Cohen

  Went to pick Padma up for the amfAR gala. There was a crowd in front for Kanye, who I guess was in the building. Padma told Extra I have spent a lot of time motorboating her, so that was a moment. I did the bit onstage where I have to thank the sponsors and list them, which I did with a smile. I got back to the table and someone said, “You did what you had to, which was just get through it.” And even though that was exactly what I had done, it was exactly what I didn’t want to hear I had done. Ran into a bunch of people including Fredrik Eklund, Rachel Zoe and Rodger, Cheyenne Jackson, Harvey Weinstein, Lizzie Tisch, and Ryan Reynolds and Blake Lively on my way out. And I met Jay Z! (The only time I fumbled during the thing onstage was when I thought of Jay Z being in the audience.)

  Went home, walked the drugged dog, FaceTimed #BAS, and then met Bruce, Bryan, Machota, Matt, Joe, and Paul at I Sodi on Christopher. Then home, where I was brushing my teeth and on a whim ran outside onto the terrace butt naked while brushing my teeth in the 20-degree tundra weather and ran a lap around the whole terrace. It was exhilarating. When I was cozy in bed, Wacha came up and slept with his face right next to me. What am I going to do with this dog?

  THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 11, 2016

  It was Kelly’s fifteen-year anniversary on Live! so a bunch of her friends surprised her in the morning. The greenroom could’ve doubled as a holding room for some twisted version of The Bachelorette, with me, Anderson, Mark, NPH, and David Muir waiting with our roses to go on. David Gregory interviewed me for his podcast. Tonight was the Lorne Michaels tribute at Lincoln Center. Talked to Tina Fey, who makes me nervous because she is so brilliant but in truth seems just super down-to-earth. It was all the SNL people: Jimmy, Maya Rudolph, Steve Martin, and on and on. Went for burgers at the Corner Bistro and some drunk woman who looked like Chloë Sevigny was causing a scene, screaming at me that she doesn’t know or care who I am. I said that’s fine. She gave her yogurt to Bruce on her way out. Came home and watched an old episode of The Merv Griffin Show saluting Lucy, featuring Lucie Arnaz and Mr. Mooney and Little Desi. Lucy was smoking and was being very mean to Desi about dropping out of college. She had her purse with her and touched up her makeup at one point while she was telling a story. It was riveting. I wondered how long after that Lucie Arnaz got an apartment in my building. The show kinda made me not love Lucy.

  FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 12, 2016

  The drunk Chloë Sevigny lady Instagram Directed me that she wants to talk to me about last night. What is there to discuss? The yogurt? I didn’t find out. Dinner with Bruce and Liza at the Rocking Horse Café felt very old school.

  SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 13, 2016

  Valentine’s Day date with SJP at the Waverly Inn. Saw Talita von Fürstenberg, Meg Ryan, and Sandra Bernhard, who came by the table with Melanie Griffith. I said, “I just had your daughter on my show.” She said, “Oh, you’re that guy?” Melanie told SJP she and her daughter had watched Friends together for years. Then Sandra texted me later to say Melanie wanted me to tell SJ of course she meant SATC.

  TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 16, 2016

  I guess February 17 is my breaking point for having a Christmas tree. Woke up and decided I couldn’t face it one more day. On my way to meet Frances for a drink I got a message saying there was an emergency in my apartment. They are replacing the windows this week, and I thought for sure someone fell out. Everyone was alive, but a workman had punctured a gas line—through a big yellow metal plate that said “Gas Lines.” Cut drinks with Frances short and went down to Horatio Street, where my apartment was full of plumbers and workmen who had been called there by the building manager, who handed my ass to me. I was shaking when I left. My upstairs neighbors are without gas for what may be a few weeks. I am sending them hot plates and bountiful food baskets tomorrow. Oh, shit.

  WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 17, 2016

  Gillian emailed me to say Teresa’s book was number 5 on the New York Times Best Sellers list, and I texted her to congratulate her and it was news to her.

  Lunch with Grac at Cafeteria, then we went to the new downtown Barneys which is so beautiful but there’s not a ton of merchandise and the men’s stuff sucks unless you are a Eurogay with a sugar daddy who is buying you clothes. Maybe that is indeed the clientele. FaceTimed with #BAS and asked him to come spend the weekend. Spoke to Brandon McMillan about Wacha and the vet. He said you have to admit that you have a violent dog; many owners won’t admit it and will look past it. I said yes, I admit it, but I feel like I know when he’s gonna get violent. He said he can help but he has to show Wacha that he’s not gonna win with him—he has won every time being violent and needs to lose. I don’t know what that means, but I don’t want to be anywhere near it.

  Went to Teresa’s book party with Liza. It was unlike any literary event—packed to the gills in the basement of a restaurant on Grove Street I’ve never heard of. She arrived in a white limo wearing a white fur and her tits out—very NYT bestseller chic. We stayed five minutes, kissed her, posed for a pic, kissed Melissa and Joe and Dorinda, and left. Went in four restaurants and got turned away from them all, and the truth is it made me so happy that I live in New York, where there are so many crowded restaurants on a Wednesday night. We finally went to Morandi, where they made room. Then I went to bed with my (violent) dog.

  THURSDAY, FEBRURARY 18, 2016—NYC—ST. LOUIS—LOS ANGELES

  Stopped in St. Louis on my way to LA to announce to the local media my date with Anderson in October. We’re playing at the Fox, which is four thousand seats, and Robin wants to pull out all the stops to guarantee a sellout. I pushed Robin to book St. Louis because it’s my town, so we better sell it out! Did an hour on KMOX radio and they had two bars in the studio for me, and someone brought three mushroom and onion Provel cheese pizzas. I almost killed an entire pizza while on air, which I’m sure sounded lovely. Showed up at the Fox for the press conference and waiting for me was a bottle of tequila, plus Mom, Dad, and Em (my family didn’t provide the tequila, nor did I have any). Did the press conference without drinking any tequila and then did a bunch of local radio interviews, including talking to a lady who said she was interviewing me for a local website about pet parents. I felt like Valerie Cherish. The lady from Channel 5 said she wanted to interview Mom for Mother’s Day, and from across the room I heard “NOT INTERESTED!” We were walking out of the theater and when Mom saw all the empty seats she laid it on thick that we weren’t gonna sell out. I said not only would we sell out, we would add a matinee. Mom and Dad have been gloating because my pics of them generate the most likes on my Instagram page, so I posted one of us driving in the car and it wasn’t burning up Instagram. I told Mom if we add a matinee she is doing the Channel 5 thing. She said NO I AM NOT! I said yes you are!

  Landed in LA and went straight to meet Bruce at the Palm; Judge Judy was having dinner and left without me being able to say hello. I die for Judge Judy! Met John Mayer at the Tower for a couple drinks. He’d just performed “Shakedown Street” with Dead and Company on Fallon, and between rehearsals and the show the band went back to John’s house and all took naps. Can you imagine the Dead napping at John’s house? Amazing.

  FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 19, 2016—LOS ANGELES

  Vanderpump Rules reunion today. Lisa was a little miffed with this See You Later, Vandergator game we’d played on Tuesday with Yolanda. But she said, “I accept your apology,” even though I’m not sure I apologized. It was a hilarious reunion, and Lisa and I were whispering side comments to each other all day. We wrapped at seven; I went back to the Tower for a quick nap (without the Dead) and then to Sandy’s, where he was hosting a dinner for me. It was Bruce and Bryan, Jason and Lauren Blum, Jeff Lewis and Gage, Jenni Pulos and Jonathan, Jerry O’Connell, Mary McCormack and Michael, Carole Bayer Sager (who just finished her memoir today and was happy), and Bette Midler and her husband, Martin, who is lovely. Had a long talk with Bette about the election, and I somehow got into explaining Kim Fields to her and how we could make a documentary of breaking-the-fourth-wall moments: For
instance, when she said, “I don’t want to be on a girls’ trip; this isn’t what I do!” which to me really meant, “I don’t want to be on a reality show; this isn’t what I do!” I told Bette that she was Tootie, and I was trying to think when The Facts of Life was on and I said it was somewhere between The Rose and Beaches. She said, “Honey, that was a twelve-year period,” and I said, Okay, well, it was somewhere in there.

  Presale started in St. Louis and we sold 1,100 seats today, so that’s good. Mom said she was wrong, which was even better.

  SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 20, 2016—LOS ANGELES—NYC

  Landed and saw The Humans with Hickey, then #BAS met us. We all went out and we dragged Anderson into the fray too. Had the best time with #BAS.

  SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 21, 2016

  Slept in. Showed #BAS and Anderson the new apartment; I remain embarrassed by the closet. Took #BAS to the premiere of the Tina Fey movie Whiskey Tango Foxtrot at the Museum of Modern Art. It was a lot of news ladies, like Diane Sawyer, Barbara Walters, and Ann Curry (who seems so intensely nice but possibly just a hair nuts?), and then guys like Tom Hanks, Lorne Michaels, and Steve Martin. We liked the movie and afterwards we talked to Tina, who suggested coming on WWHL with the real woman she plays in the film. Went back to WWHL for our live episode with NeNe and told our bookers what Tina said and they were psyched because Tina’s rep had passed. Then we got into a whole meshugas about the massive movie star (NOTE TO READERS: Every so often I have to throw in a blind item so I don’t get run out of town) who was booked to come on in a few days whose rep was being so intensely difficult, rejecting all the creative we pitched, telling us he won’t stand up on the air and won’t discuss several things he’s discussed on every other show including his most famous role. I said let’s cancel him, it’s not worth it and it’s not a fit. So we did. We cancelled a massive movie star because it wasn’t a fit for us. It felt really good.

  WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 24, 2016—NYC—ATLANTA

  Brandon McMillan has been coming to work with Wacha. He reaffirmed that Wacha is acting out from PTSD. He was beaten with a leash and we don’t know what else, but his behavior can be changed if we teach him how to react differently to things he is afraid of, like the leash, a cone around his head, and ultimately, the vet. We have to reteach him all this stuff.

  Wound up booking Jerry O’Connell and Lala from Vanderpump Rules (I gave her another chance) to replace the movie star we cancelled. Today we taped the women of Full House, and I’ve never seen that show so I was pretending the whole time and the producers were telling me stuff in my ear. Exciting! Fakery! On the way to the airport for my flight to Atlanta I got texts from Phaedra, who wants to pitch me some shows at some point while I am in town and hopes we’ll be done in time to go to Swinging Richards (me too!), and also from Shereé, who wasn’t thrilled with Bravo’s deal for her to come to the reunion. I hope I talked her into it, but I really can’t tell if she’s going to come or not.

  As we were about to take off the flight was cancelled, which began a five-hour delay at LaGuardia, during which I was booked on four different flights. As I politely asked a gate agent to rebook me on another flight, I got into a fight with a man the size of my couch standing behind me. I had a million questions for the agent, and at first she seemed annoyed and said I was asking too many questions too loudly, but then I quietly prefaced, “This may be a dumb question, but…” and then proceeded with the questions—like “Why is the flight not listed on the monitor?” and “Would I be in a middle seat on that one?” And the couch said, why do you keep asking dumb questions; you’re wasting everybody’s time in line, and I said I am not being dumb; I’m being polite, which you have no idea about. I told the airline ladies that there was an asshole behind me in line and to be careful, and I walked away feeling very proud of my behavior.

  I had about forty minutes to grab some food and get to the flight, which was oversold and I was just grateful to be on it even though I had traded in a first-class seat for coach. I went up to board and the woman said, “We don’t have your seat,” and it turned out that the lady to whom I thought I was so polite had completely voided out my ticket. I had to buy an entirely new ticket right then and there, and it was only when I was sitting on the tarmac in steerage as a queen from Mississippi six rows in front of me took pictures of me on his phone, which he made sure to let everyone know he was posting directly to Facebook, that I realized that I had pissed her off. That bitch intentionally voided my ticket! I still felt victorious by virtue of landing in Atlanta at all. When you have bad travel karma all you can do is be grateful when you arrive. See that? I’m as zen as Oprah.

  THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 25, 2016—ATLANTA

  Is it wrong to say that I actually might’ve enjoyed today’s endless taping of the Atlanta reunion? Kenya and Cynthia remarked that I was saucy and shady and mouthy; maybe that’s why I had so much fun. Kenya did tell me late in the day that I didn’t have her back and played favorites, and I countered with a couple examples of times I had had her back, but I’m not sure I convinced her. NeNe had a big foil tray of fried chicken in her dressing room that she had somehow gotten one of her glam squad to drive an hour outside of Atlanta to get, and man, was I glad she did. It was a great day, even though I feel like Kandi and Phaedra’s friendship is over for good with Kandi’s admission that she wondered if Phae called the feds on her and Todd. That was sad. After the show I met Lindsay at Swinging Richards and we had a blast. I got a ride home from a former marine, now a stripper, in his pickup truck. (Nothing happened between us, and he complimented me on being a gentleman.) I went to bed feeling like I was actually a little mean at the reunion (not to mention the airport) and I worried about it.

  FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 26, 2016—SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 28, 2016—MIAMI

  I skipped Oscar weekend in LA in favor of meeting Dave at the Delano for a boys’ weekend, which amounted essentially to us sitting in the sun for two days of kibitzing like old Jewish ladies. I guess we are, at this point. You just sit and watch people and speculate on them: there was a straight Leonardo-DiCaprio-if-he-had-no-body-fat, a seemingly humorless but white-hot dad with a Harvard hat who was a dead ringer for Tom Cruise, a few beat bachelorette parties, and one dude from NYC who has a place in Miami and was reading my last Diaries the night before and saw that I love the Delano and got a room for the day so he could hang by the pool and, lo and behold, ran into me. I asked him what the appeal of the book was for him and he said it was like reading TMZ before bed. By the end of the day I had blurry, zoomed pictures of Hot Leo DiCaprio and Harvard Guy that I will never look at again but that seemed urgent at the moment. I took Dave for his inaugural visit to the Palace, which he called the Birdcage. Tiffany Fantasia was on fire; she told the crowd that if Trump is elected she’ll move to Curaçao, and she told Dave that she would’ve done more but she was on her last pair of pantyhose, to which he replied, “How many times have I said that to someone?!” Didn’t have any FOMO about missing all the big parties in LA, and it was only when I thought about it that I realized that I hadn’t even been invited to Vanity Fair’s this year, so that was one less option.

  Landed back in NYC and went straight to Jimmy and Nancy’s to watch #OscarsSoWhite which turned out to be #OscarsSoBlack. I smelled a horrible poo smell before the show started, and Cameron Diaz was sitting next to me and I wondered if she had farted. “Good for her,” I thought, “hot girls fart too!” It was kind of empowering until the smell got even worse and I seriously thought Cameron Diaz had pooped her pants. I felt horrible for her! How was I going to acknowledge that, I wondered. Then the smell became markedly worse and the whole room started freaking out, including Cameron. It turned out Gary Fallon had pooped in the corner and I had stepped in it and tracked it around the room. So it wasn’t Cameron. It was Gary! And me!

  MONDAY, FEBRUARY 29, 2016

  Radio in the morning, then a creative call about Blast Your Past, which is a game-show pilot presentation I’m working on for NBC. Shit is getting rea
l with the RHONY. They’re all in Florida, and Bethenny has some incriminating photos of LuAnn’s fiancé. You cannot make this stuff up. JLo was on live and as sweet as ever, looking like a million bucks even though she said she didn’t like how she looked. Her bodyguard can get it. Troy and Jonah were there, as well as Jackie and Pony Boy from Willspace, who I brought up to get a pic with JLo during the commercial break. I was kind of hoping she would fall for him, but she was with Casper and Pony Boy with his fiancée.

  TUESDAY, MARCH 1, 2016

  Spent the day surrounded by spray-tanned, glittered, wigged ladies fighting about food blogs and sisterly issues. I am in such reunion mode that I can’t really tell a fake one from a real one. This one was fake—the Inside Amy Schumer reunion. During breaks I talked to Amy about her boyfriend, who she is very hot and heavy with. She had a massive blond wig and crazy spray tan on, so that added a layer of hilarity. Her nails were so long she was pounding her phone with her knuckles. Her sister, Kim Caramele (I mispronounced her name several times on the show before she corrected me), was on my other side and she is crazy funny and was doing a riff that I was being unfair to her and favoring Amy, which was the exact thing that Kenya was doing five days earlier regarding Phaedra. Bridget Everett was great. She’s about to blow up into a superstar.

  Quick dinner with Hickey, then to WWHL. Had a bum show and came home to Victor in the elevator, who sweetly asks every night, “How was the show?” Tonight I said I was good but the show was fair, which he seemed to think was hilarious. Watched the new Loretta Lynn doc, then joined Snapchat in the middle of the night for some godforsaken reason. I could barely sleep because not only is tomorrow my one thousandth episode but I’m also taping Loretta and Tina Fey.

  WEDNESDAY, MARCH 2, 2016

  This morning I was like Rhoda Morgenstern on the subway on her way to her wedding: Neither of our cars showed up on our big days. I was trying to hail a cab with bags of crap and a suit and no coat plus five ties hanging around my neck and Wacha dragged like an afterthought. Got to the Clubhouse for my one thousandth episode and I needed a little attention on account of being the host and my car not showing up, but no one seemed to want to give it to me. Anthony and Daryn both feigned concern about the car. There was a buzz at the office; Mike Robley was making toaster hors d’oeuvres to put on the bar and walking with a spring in his step because he was going to appear as the gay shark. Mark and Kelly sent balloons and Dave sent a thousand cookies, which was insane but amazing, and my jeweler who came to show me necklaces to buy Bruce for his birthday brought four massive trays of cupcakes from Baked by Melissa. And Chrissy Teigen brought us an ice cream cake. So it was a day of celebratory baked goods! Tramona, the turtle we used to have on set, was there and I was excited until Deirdre said it was a fake Tramona. They couldn’t locate the real one, apparently. They said it’s on a nature reserve, which translates to me as turtle soup. I said I was going to say on air that it’s a fake Tramona but they said not to. We agreed I would say I was concerned it was fake, but I forgot to anyway.