Superficial

by Andy Cohen

  SUNDAY, MAY 15, 2016—SAG HARBOR—NYC

  Had dinner last night at Jane Buffett’s and it was, as Marci said, “a Buffet at the Buffetts’.” I drove back from the beach in time for a rehearsal with Mariah Carey at Radio City for the big NBCUniversal Upfront, where we were meant to do stage patter and introduce her new E! show. I arrived on time and then realized I was a sucker because I would spend the next untold amount of hours waiting for someone for whom time is just a concept. She was only thirty minutes late, though, and quite nice. The first thing she said when we kissed was that my guests have been rather boring lately and I think she was talking about JLo, who was just on, and we went through the whole “I don’t know her” thing again. JLo says she does know Mariah and Mariah says she does not know JLo. Mariah said she knows Beyoncé but she does not know her. So I think MC will be making that clear when she’s on the show Tuesday night.

  We rehearsed the bit, which involves me coming out to Madonna’s song “Jump” and introducing Mariah, who is sprawled on a big divan with shirtless dancers who walk her over to me. I walked and got her the first time we ran through it, then said, “Would you rather have the boys bring you over?” and she said, “Yes, that’s more of a moment, don’t you think?” I said, “Yes, of course, and you are all about the moment.” She looked good. Thin.

  Jeff Lewis and Gage came by to see my apartment and had a couple good suggestions about couch placement, table length, and depths of cabinets in the hallway outside the kitchen. We chatted on the street for a half hour after.

  MONDAY, MAY 16, 2016

  This morning’s upfront started with an early red carpet and I ran into everybody from Henry and Stacey Winkler to Khloé and Kourtney Kardashian, who I imitated staring into their phones in their cars, to JLo, who I kissed and asked if I gave her the coat she was wearing. Every reporter asked me about replacing Strahan, and then I went to the greenroom, where I saw Jimmy in full Hamilton gear for his opening number. Talked to Matt Lauer about the Hamptons and Kelly’s situation. Waved to a Spanish telenovela star with huge hair who seemed to know me. Took forever to go on and right before I did the stage manager said that Mariah was running late and that she “wanted to do it” but they were not sure she’d be there. I said, What exactly are you talking about, I am about to go on and I have ten seconds of patter before she comes out, so what am I supposed to do? It was all very convoluted but then he said, Oh, no, it’s fine, they’re placing her now. My intro music had been changed from Madonna to Mariah, and she was wearing basically a sequined bathing suit and stockings. Our bit was fun (for me) and probably insane to people watching, because I am not sure everyone gets her, but I was up her ass onstage, being the perfect lamb of a sidekick.

  When I got off I was told to go back to my seat for this next bit, and where was I was sitting? Directly in front of JLo. I suddenly felt guilty for being such a lamb onstage now that I was with JLo. It was as if I was a double agent in the middle of the two of them, like they were from the RHODivas or something. Seth Meyers made a joke about wanting to see a Mariah reality show starring her dancers and JLo said, “Now that’s a show!” and I turned around and was all “Mmm-hmm!! You go, girl!” I wanna be friends with everybody! The moment it ended, or maybe a second before, JLo turned to Ray Liotta and said, “It’s one and I gotta go!” and I turned to Jeff Lewis and said, “It’s one and I gotta go, too!” and ran out just as JLo and Khloé and Kourtney Kardashian were leaving. So that was the move, leaving at one and beating the rush by thirty seconds.

  Upfront parties all night. First was People magazine’s, where I introduced myself to the Spanish telenovela star from this morning, who said, “I’m Vanessa Hudgens. I was on your show.” And I said “OMG, I didn’t recognize your hair!” Then to the NBC party, where I was up JLo’s ass again. I asked what she thought of the Mariah reel and her team all seemed to kind of like it. Then the CAA party, where I hung with Consuelos and Bethenny, who was hammered. So was I.

  TUESDAY, MAY 17, 2016

  Mariah arrived two minutes into her live WWHL show, which was exciting, giving long-winded answers for the first six minutes including an extended argument that she does not know JLo, which was kind of brilliant. She is clearly very bugged by this whole thing! I asked her during the commercial break to keep her answers short, and got the sense that not only was she not enjoying our MC drag queen pageant, she didn’t want to walk over and announce a winner. Indeed, she remarked that the light over by the bar seemed very precarious, so she stayed seated for the end of the show and pronounced a winner from her well-lit spot. Unlike the last time she was on the show, she had no ground rules for questions and seemed much more free and happy and open to everything. Once again I switched seats to accommodate her better side. I was asked to go have a drink with her after the show in her greenroom (Michael’s office), which I realized was probably because they needed content for her reality show. It was fun in there, though, and I left the night really liking her. She was trending on Twitter all night too.

  FRIDAY, MAY 20, 2016—SUNDAY, MAY 22, 2016—ST. LOUIS

  Came home for Blouse’s wedding but wound up multitasking in a few other great events, including what three years ago would’ve been cause for much consternation and discussion but now was just something pleasant: throwing out the first pitch for the Cardinals Friday night. Much has been written (by me) about my past two attempts, and this time I took a completely opposite pre-throw tack: I didn’t think about it one bit. It was booked as a way to promote my St. Louis AC2 appearance in October and so it just felt like more promotion. Mom and Dad, Em, Rob, and Abby were in tow and I got up and threw the damn thing as quick as I could after taking one moment to stand on the mound and look around, which is just about the most amazing feeling you can imagine. The ball was, for the third time running, very high and very outside. I am being kind. You know who is there to actually see a first pitch? No one. Although it obviously lives on forever if it’s especially horrible, so I shouldn’t be flip.

  Before the game people kept saying to me, “You’re so lucky you still have your parents,” which was pissing my mom off to no end. “They expect us to be DEAD! It’s like they’re SHOCKED WHEN WE WALK AROUND THE CORNER!” She is so right. After the first inning I bit a chunk off a pot lollipop just to be festive, and a few innings later was feeling no pain until the marketing woman from the Cardinals came to get me for my interview in the broadcasting booth with Jim Edmonds and the other play-by-play announcer. I make my living in front of the camera and at this point it is my happy place, where I am a version of my best self. Not so in that broadcast booth, where from the minute I sat down I thought: “Oh shit I am in the wrong place and I am stoned as hell right now.” The inning started and immediately the guy who isn’t Jim Edmonds started asking me about the Housewives, which came as a shock to me even though I was sitting with a Housewives husband on my right. He asked how it started, and I said the women’s hair was blonder and their boobs were bigger than anything we’d seen at Bravo. Jim commented that I am not really involved with the Housewives anymore, and I had to correct him on the air and suddenly defend and explain my role as executive producer, which would’ve been fine if I wasn’t paranoid.

  The top of the inning ended fast, and a producer said in my ear: “Hey Andy, we love having you here, but remember the audience. This is a Major League Baseball game; lots of families are watching.” Oh, great, I offended the MLB people. Awesome. I felt horrible. But they said to stay for the bottom of the inning. Back on the air, Jim accused me of not liking having Meghan on my show and I said, I love her and she’s been on, and he said, But you haven’t invited her back. I said, “Are we really doing this during the baseball game?” I ruined the whole thing with a pot lollipop. Damn me. I got back to my suite and Mom said they couldn’t get the volume up to hear my interview and I said good! I went out for drinks with Jim after the game and he said it wasn’t bad at all, and Twitter seemed to agree.

  Blouse’s wedding Saturd
ay night was phenomenal. Here’s a seventy-four-year-old widow, previously married for fifty-three years, who found love with someone from her past! As I sat at a table with all my cousins wondering how this wedding was going to play out, I reflected on what an important a role she played in each of our lives. The truth is, it wasn’t a wedding like any of us had been to; we were out of our suburban comfort zones, and more importantly we found out that Kattie (Blouse’s real name) of course had an entire life that we knew nothing about. We all danced and it was really loving. Sunday I went to a party at Companion for Sophie’s high school graduation and hosted a benefit for Jason Kander, the Democrat running for Senate in Missouri, and Senator McCaskill showed up as well to push it over the top. Got back home and went to a barbeque at Benjamin’s.

  MONDAY, MAY 23, 2016

  What happened tonight was a fitting topper to a nonstop sprint of a day. Woke up at 6:00 a.m. to be live on the radio from 7:00 to 9:00 and John Hill was sick, so it was just me and the microphone for two hours. From there to Live with Kelly, where I pretaped a segment for Friday’s show. Then to my show, where I taped tonight’s episode. I hosted the Parsons School of Design benefit and, as I was getting dressed, chuckled at the sight of that denim suit I mistakenly wore to Marc and Scott’s black-tie thing at Carnegie Hall. For tonight’s Parsons event, I chose a mint green suit to celebrate spring and relived the nightmare when I pulled up to an ocean of black tuxedoes at Chelsea Piers. Oops, I did it again! I was actually furious and immediately wanted to blame someone—anyone. When I agree to host something, I ain’t looking at the invitation, but someone should! I wanted to blame Daryn but I’m not mean enough. SJP and Hickey had a good laugh at my expense but were supportive, and I used it as fodder in my spiel onstage. What else can you do?

  TUESDAY, MAY 24, 2016

  Woke up to a takedown on GQ.com about my mint suit! “From late March until early August, clothing racks and online stores are rife with blazers and pants in pastel hues—like mint, seen here on talk show host Andy Cohen. But just because they are sold in stores does not mean you should buy one. Cohen’s pastel linen number, worn to the 2016 Parsons Benefit last night in New York City, was aggressively pastel—like a Smarty or a Jordan almond. And his tie, like a barber shop pole, didn’t help steer the look away from those old time-y candy shop vibes.… Cohen’s jacket and pants are making him look shorter and wider than he actually is.” To make matters worse, Mom sent me an email with a photo of me in the mint green suit: “Seriously Andy, maybe you should see someone about that right eye. I don’t mean the wonkiness part but you half close it all of the time and it seems to be getting more pronounced.” When it rains, it pours!

  THURSDAY, MAY 26, 2016

  Hosting with Kelly today—we taped two episodes—was so fun and not stressful, knowing that I wasn’t auditioning for the job. But it made me wish for a minute that I wasn’t locked up by NBCUniversal and could try. They trotted out Lucci, and I got to act out a soap-opera scene with her and Kelly. Wacha stepped on a piece of gum today and I got a little too much enjoyment out of watching him contemplate what was on his foot and try getting it off. He was limping, trailed by the gum. I was in hysterics. Poor Wacha!

  Went by the new apartment and saw some pulls in the kitchen that I picked out over a year ago but which I now can’t decide about. Timely! And it’s clear now that I’m not moving in until late August. Also the closet is installed and it’s insane; I feel very East Coast Lisa Vanderpump. As I walked around the apartment, seeing the wallpaper go up and the bar taking shape, I had a sensation that I had made it. The apartment was so nice—it felt like it should belong to someone else. It’s mine, though, and I felt proud. And as good as that made me feel, I had another realization as I got back to Fifteenth Street: Though I’ve been endlessly planning every detail and fantasizing about this amazing palace, it is not going to change my life. When you put a year and a half into something, how can it live up to your expectations or solve your problems? I think I’m preparing myself for my new normal: I may be a little fancier, but I’ll still be me.

  FRIDAY, MAY 27—MONDAY, MAY 30, 2016—SAG HARBOR

  Finally I’m not alone out here. #BrazilianAndySamberg spent Memorial Day weekend with me and having him here made things I’d been doing alone seem fresh and fun again. Thursday night was dinner at Sam’s with Sandy. Friday we went to a dinner at the Grubmans’ for Sandy’s birthday. Debbie Grubman said the luxury real-estate market is in a slump. We sat with Hilary Gumbel, who was fantastic. David Geffen was across from us. Then we headed to Almond, and as we were parking #BAS said he really wanted to see a Housewife. Twenty minutes later we were face to face with Sonja Morgan. He was happy.

  The next few days were feedings (as Amanda calls them) all over the Hamptons that I’ve done before but were more fun with #BAS. His friend asked him about the rich people out here and he said they like saying how much richer other people are. Went to Tony Melillo’s store opening and met his little baby and as I was cooing over him I thought, “I have to do this.” I don’t look at babies the same way I used to. I think it’s called baby fever. My birthday is in a couple days, and I remember thinking I turned forty-eight last year, so I’m turning forty-eight again. I have no problem reliving a year, but in truth I’m feeling really pensive about the last couple years, and as I sat here today writing about the beginning of summer, I went back and saw what I did the last couple Memorial Day weekends. It looks like a lot of the same stuff, which on the one hand makes me feel happy and on another makes me feel somewhat inert.

  What’s been great about keeping this diary is that I can look back—there is a record of where I’ve been, who I’ve seen, and how I’ve felt along the way. That record is a gift. In this year, as I’ve been going back through what I’ve written to make it ready for publication, I’ve been forced to think a lot about where I am in my life. That ability to reflect does not come naturally to me. I’m usually too busy having fun! But what hasn’t been great about writing the diary is the feeling sometimes at the end of a busy day that there’s still one more thing to do. And also it’s strange to live your life with a consciousness in the back of your head saying, “This would be great for the diary.” That gets tiring.

  I said at the beginning of this process, in September of 2013, that writing and publishing this is as close to being on a reality TV show as I will get. Now I’m afraid it’s time to cancel the show. I need to break the fourth wall and thank you all for living my life with me for three years. We had fun, right? But I think you’ll appreciate the fact that I’ve got this really cute guy staring at me, waiting for me to finish writing so we can hang out. I feel like on the other side of this keyboard my life is waiting for me, and I want to go out and just live it.

  Mom and Dad on their tour of Nazi hotspots

  Wacha and Bergeron playing tug of war with Donnie Wahlberg’s hat—before he nipped Tom and devoured the hat. Donnie looks on, thrilled.

  Awkward. Went to temple right after this.

  Pure hysterics after Wacha jumped up on Carol Burnett mid–Tarzan yell

  Grac and I double down on Italian futurism.

  Look at the amount of BUTTER Sean Avery slathers on his breakfast!

  The last four people at my book party—Padma, Kelly, Mark, and I—all slid down Anderson’s pole at the end of the night.

  I made it to Hitsville!

  The ultimate book party selfie: Monica Lewinsky and NeNe Leakes!

  Presents at my San Francisco signing: penis cake, Snoopys, poppers, pot, and booze!

  Trying to be sexy with Sarah Silverman backstage at my LA event

  My book tour, in a nutshell

  Crazy selfie at Colbert finale with Jeff Tweedy, Patrick Stewart, David Gregory, and Christiane Amanpour. I was accused by the Daily News of taking too many, but everyone was—I swear!

  Undersea in Indonesia

  Before my dreams were crushed at “Lip Synch Battle” (Courtesy of Spike TV by Peter Yang)

 
; Sidewalk drag with Tiffany Fantasia in Miami (photo by John Hickey)

  Radio Andy dream team: Sandra Bernhard (Sandyland), Bevy Smith (Bevelations) and John Hill (The Feels)

  With Amy at SJP’s birthday at the Carlyle

  I made him get out of the car to take a selfie, and he was NOT happy about it.

  Wearing a romper on my terrace. I am the gayest man alive.

  On a sidewalk in Manhattan at 2 a.m. Wacha finally meets Wacha!

  Drinks with my Bravo pals in town for the upfront

  Serving face with my date leaving for the Met Ball. Now how do we get the headgear in the car?

  Dinner in London with Joan Collins and Tom Hollander

  Dinner with Ralph Fiennes in London