Why Not Me?

by Ashley Erin

  Without giving her too long to think about it, I push forward. “Melissa told me she knew about us and wanted me to choose her, and our child. She thought for the baby’s sake we should try and felt that what you and I had was something that would pass. Allie, I was nineteen and I knew how hard it would be for her to raise the child on her own. How hard a single parent has to work, even if the other parent is involved. It took me all day to prepare myself to let you go. And even then, I was a coward and did it over the phone. I knew if I saw you, I would never follow through.” I don’t try to clear the thickness from my voice. The memory of that day haunts me. So many mistakes were made. Mistakes that paved the way for nearly a decade of my life.

  This time Allie spins to face me, her cheeks rosy and her eyes glassy. “You have a kid? I knew you hadn’t broken things off with Melissa, but I didn’t think—” She cuts herself off as she shakes her head, a tear spilling down onto her cheek. “I was so foolish.”

  “I’m sorry. There’s so much I would change if I could go back, I know it’s a lot to ask for you to trust that, but it’s the truth.” I hate the look of betrayal she’s directing at me.

  There were so many secrets, so many lies. And I’m not even done with the shitshow that happened after Allie was out of my life.

  “That’s what I believed. I moved Melissa into my apartment, prepared for our baby, and then she miscarried. She was so devastated, I couldn’t leave her and, not long after, she said she was pregnant again. This became a cycle and it destroyed me. I stayed with Melissa until just under a year ago. It’ll be a year in December. I held on for so long because I let you go for her and I couldn’t bear to think I made the wrong choice. I finally got tired of living a lie, of living in the shadow of what I lost because I was clinging to something that should’ve ended years before. I was so young, and so stupid.” I reach out to take her hand in mine, shocked when she lets me. “I’m so sorry I hurt you. I’m so sorry I was a coward. I’m just—sorry. Nothing about what happened was right. I can’t take back what I did and the things in my control that I ignored. I wish I could.”

  She licks her lips, searching my eyes, before she pulls her hand away and drops her eyes. “That’s—a lot to take in.”

  “I know.” I look at her, the weight of all the regrets heavy on my shoulders. I look back and think about how selfish I was. That selfishness caused me so much pain and grief. In the past seven years it’s been a lot to come to terms with.

  “I can understand the young part, our relationship started when it shouldn’t have, neither of us able to see past the way we felt together. We both were young and foolish. I still can’t help but wonder even after all you’ve told me—why not me? Why not at least talk to me?” She crosses her arms, the way she does when she’s trying to protect herself, and starts walking again.

  My face falls, my chest seizing as breathing becomes near impossible. “My parents weren’t married when they had me, and they never were together. I was foolish enough to believe the small iota of feelings I had for Melissa before I met you was enough to make a relationship, a family, work. And then we experienced miscarriage after miscarriage. It was devastating. I think I wanted a baby so bad to make up for what I sacrificed, what I lost when I ended things with you.”

  Tilting my head up, I focus on the treetops as I fight back my emotions. Closing my eyes as snow starts to fall, I try to find my bearings. Small arms wrap around my waist, Allie’s slender frame pressing into me. My arms automatically respond, holding her close as I look down at the crown of her head. Having her here, fitting into me in that perfect way, it feels so right. It’s the piece that’s been missing.

  My arms fall away as she steps back, the devastation clear on her face. She shakes her head as I start to speak, turning to start walking again. Her eyes are downcast, her lashes glistening with melting snow. It pains me when I see a tear fall down her cheek and she turns her face away, hiding it from me.

  If things had been different, this would be us right now. Except we would be holding hands and laughing together. Or I would be kissing her passionately in the snow, her favorite thing in the world. We might even have a baby to call our own. Instead, we’re walking side by side with a respectable distance between us. Tears falling down her cheeks.

  And even though I know it’s wrong, I’m hoping some of those tears are falling for what we lost.

  Brendan: I’m on my way home. I can’t wait to see you.

  Tugging the blanket more firmly around me, I clench my eyes shut and try to get my shit together. Everything Landon said to me today, the entire circumstances around our end and what he’s gone through since that night, it’s heavy on my mind.

  I told Brendan I was meeting an old friend, that there was a heavy history and it was a chance to get some clarity. I’m still unsure what Landon wants from me and a part of me knows I should say goodbye and let myself move on, but another part of me, the part that’s always felt this connection, this tether holding us together, baulks at that thought.

  Keys rattle in the door, Brendan coming in with a happiness that helps lift some of the burden I’m carrying. I know he could tell I was sad when we were texting earlier, he can always tell. Even when we first met, somehow he just saw something in me and knew I needed some lightness.

  He leans over the back of the couch and blows a raspberry where my neck and shoulder meet, right where I’m ticklish. Giggling, my shoulder lifts reflexively, and I roll onto my back so I can find comfort in the gentle way he looks at me.

  Before I can say anything, he lifts a bouquet of orchids from behind the couch, handing them to me. They’re beautiful, purple and white with little hints of yellow.

  “Oh, my goodness, they’re gorgeous.” I sit up, the first genuine smile I’ve had since I met Landon at lunch pulling at my lips as I hold the flowers to my nose and inhale the sweet fragrance. “What’s the occasion?”

  “You sounded so down in your text, I just wanted to see you smile. You should never be sad, Allie. You’re too incredible.” Brendan bends down once more, this time kissing me before smiling against my lips when I wrap my hand around the back of his neck.

  We’re both breathing heavily when he finally straightens, taking the flowers from my hands so he can put them in water.

  “I was thinking we could go out tonight, do something fun,” he suggests, his tone hopeful.

  It was nice cuddling on the couch last night, I know we need more “us” time and I was could use the distraction. Besides, how long has it been since we went out on a date? I watch as Brendan fills a vase with water, arranges the flowers inside, and sets it on our kitchen table before turning to me.

  Sitting up, the blanket falls around my waist. Brendan’s eyes immediately look at my bare shoulder and I can see his thoughts moving in a different direction. As much as I wish I could push thoughts of Landon aside, I can’t bear the idea of being intimate with Brendan when another man is dominating the majority of my brain.

  Grinning at him, I feed into the excitement of getting out and doing something else to occupy me. “Yeah! What do you have in mind?”

  “It’s a surprise.” He grins at me when I groan jokingly, winking as he comes to pull me off the couch and wrapping me in his arms. “It’ll be fun, I promise.”

  Forty-five minutes later, he’s standing behind me, his hand wrapped around mine which is wrapped around the handle of an ax. My back is pressed against his chest, his cheek resting against the side of my head. He groans a little when I wiggle my ass, pressing it into his groin as we focus on the movement of our arms as we throw it, and miss the target entirely.

  Turning to Brendan, I giggle, “This might be easier if we throw our own axes.”

  “Possibly, but I love the way you wiggle in excitement. Your way sounds like less fun, even if our axes might actually hit the target.” He chuckles when I push him away playfully and pick up another ax. His hands go up in surrender as I glare at him, my lips twitching.

  I
watch him cross his arms, his eyes on me as I turn to face the target. Shifting around, I try to position my legs the way they taught us, sticking my tongue out for extra focus.

  “I take it back; this way has its perks too.” I glance behind me, rolling my eyes as he leans against the wall with a cocky grin on his face.

  Refocusing on my task, I narrow my eyes and attempt to aim the ax at the center circle.

  I release the ax and watching in complete shock as it hits the target right in the center. Throwing my arms in the air, I spin in a circle before turning and running at Brendan. He catches me, like I knew he would, and buries his face in my neck as I wrap my legs around his waist. This was exactly what I needed. Gushing, I pull back to meet Brendan’s gaze. “This has been the perfect date night. I love you.”

  “I love you too, baby.” His voice is hoarse, thick with emotion and it makes me pause. He looks like he’s thrilled but sad at the same time. Then it dawns on me, we haven’t been this affectionate in a long time, it’s nice that we’re focusing on getting out and doing things as a couple again.

  Dropping my legs, I move to the side so Brendan can take his turn. As he picks up an ax I start heckling him when he hits the edge of the target. “C’mon, Scott, you can do better than that. Big strong man like you.”

  He scowls at me, his eyes laughing as he hands me an ax. “You lucked out. I doubt you’ll hit that bullseye again.”

  Licking my lips, I slide my hand up and down the handle a couple of times, taunting him as I back away. With a grin, I turn around, center myself, and throw the ax. Right into the bullseye of the target.

  Screaming in excitement, I dance in a circle, wiggling my hips. “Luck my ass.”

  Brendan stalks toward me, grabbing my hips and yanking me toward him. His lips crash onto mine, his desperate need for me causes a moan to slip out as I deepen the kiss, our tongues melding together.

  “Want to get out of here?” He cups my cheeks, his erection pressing into me as he holds me close.

  “We still have time left,” I tease, a small smirk pulling at the corners of my lips.

  He wraps his hand in my hair, kissing me again until we’re both breathing heavily, before pressing his forehead to mine. “I don’t care.”

  Licking my lips, I take his hand and lead him to the front counter to grab our belongings. We both need this, the closeness that’s been lacking in our relationship for longer than I can identify.

  “Let’s go home.” I barely recognize my voice, it’s low and throaty, aroused.

  I rest my hand on his thigh the entire drive home, only taking it away to get out of the car. As soon as the car is locked, we meet in front and his lips are on mine, devouring me as we stumble into the building, his hand smacking the button for the elevator before pressing me into the wall.

  We fumble our way to our door, kissing and touching like it’s the first time. I don’t actually remember the last time I felt this aroused. Lately it’s felt like intimacy is more of a chore, something to get done and then we can move on with our day. I can tell in the way Brendan is holding me, his arms wrapped around me so tight, that he needs this. He needs this closeness and I haven’t been giving it to him.

  Slamming our door shut behind us, I back down the hall leaving a trail of clothes. The way Brendan’s eyes follow me, devouring my every movement, I crave that connection. I need it. I need to forget about anything else except the desire rolling off the man prowling after me. The amount of love in his eyes, it wraps around me in that comforting bubble.

  Crawling up the bed, I sprawl out and tease my nipples, watching him as he loses the rest of his clothes and joins me on the bed. He holds himself above me, pressing down to kiss me as a thick “oh fuck” comes out on a deep moan.

  Pressing my hand into his chest, I roll him onto his back and wrap my hand around his cock. Positioning myself over him, I sink down and twist my hips, watching how Brendan’s eyes practically roll into the back of his head. I ride him until he slides his hands up my thighs, holds onto my hips and flips us back over. He grins down at me when I growl at him, but as he pins my legs up and pounds into me, I forget to be annoyed.

  “Harder. Faster.” My words come out as a whimpering beg, the deeper angle building me up until my body shudders with the magnitude of my release. I can’t remember the last time I came so hard.

  Our bodies are slick with sweat by the time he collapses next to me. Our chests rise and fall with our quickened breaths. Reaching over, I link my fingers with Brendan’s, the sharp inhale of his breath sending pain through my chest. The fact that he’s surprised any time I make a simple affectionate gesture speaks volumes about how little I’ve been showing him I care. Brendan has always been a physical guy, he thrives on physical intimacy. And not just sex, he loves everything, right down to something as simple as me running my fingers through his hair.

  He squeezes my hand, rolling toward me and stroking my cheek. This is how we fall asleep, smiling at each other while holding hands.

  Brendan is fast asleep next to me, his even breathing a soothing sound in the darkness. Yet sleep eludes me and I can’t pinpoint why. Opening my eyes, I watch him sleep. His face is smooth, worry free. Instead of the usual comfort I get from being close to Brendan I feel—unsettled. Rolling to face away from him, I close my eyes and try to relax, try to find my calm.

  This evening was some of the most fun Brendan and I have had in a long time. We haven’t made time for a date night like that in months. I didn’t realize how much I missed actually dating him until now. It’s easy when you’ve been together for as long as we have to fall into a routine and take each other for granted.

  Sometimes I forget how he made me laugh when no one else could. How he brought me out of my endless cycle of hurt, self-loathing, and regret at sacrificing my morals for someone who ended up breaking my heart.

  We met less than a month after Landon had ended things and, despite my distance, he managed to weasel his way into my circle of friends a few months later. Less than a year later we went on our first date—a date that still hasn’t been surpassed. He surprised me with zip lining in the mountains, something I’d always wanted to do.

  It was his sense of humor, his ability to make me smile, and his adventurous spirit that made me fall in love with him. It’s his kind heart and unwavering devotion that has kept us going for six years.

  Brendan mumbles in his sleep, his still form relaxed. It’s unusual for me to experience any form of insomnia, typically I fall asleep as soon as my head hits the pillow, but for whatever reason I just can’t find that blissful moment when sleep pulls me in.

  Flipping onto my back, I sigh in frustration. Reaching across to my nightstand, I grab my phone from the charger and tiptoe out of the room. Flipping on the TV, I turn the volume down and then check my phone.

  Landon: Thank you for giving me the chance to explain what happened.

  Glancing at the time, I notice he texted me ten minutes ago.

  Tucking my legs into my chest, I bite my lower lip as I type, my heart fluttering.

  Me: I think I needed to know what happened as much as you needed to tell me. Closure and all that.

  Landon: I hope I didn’t wake you.

  Me: No, I couldn’t sleep—if you didn’t want to wake me, why did you text me at one in the morning?

  Landon: I was watching a movie with my brothers. I started thinking about earlier and sent it before I thought about how late it was.

  Me: What movie?

  Landon: They wanted to watch John Wick.

  Me: I haven’t seen it.

  Landon: It’s pretty decent. We just switched off the TV and they went to bed.

  Wrapping the blanket from the back of the couch around me, I smile as we continue to text back and forth, falling into the easy conversation that we enjoyed before he ended things.

  Landon: Are you still coming for your appointment tomorrow after you’re done work?

  Me: Yeah, my neck is killing me. Esp
ecially after ax throwing this evening.

  Landon: You went ax throwing?!

  Me: Yeah, Brendan surprised me with a date night.

  Unlike my previous texts, Landon doesn’t text back right away. It’s a splash of cold water, one that I think I needed. It’s totally inappropriate to be talking to the man I used to love when Brendan is sleeping in the next room, especially when I’m sitting here like a giddy teenager talking to the boy she likes. A sick feeling replaces the butterflies in my stomach.

  This is a slippery slope, one we’ve been on before, and I need to draw the line in the sand. My attraction for Landon is still there, so I need to be cautious and create firm boundaries if we are going to proceed with this friendship. A friendship I know I should probably say no to, but when my phone pings again, I eagerly look to see what he wrote.

  Landon: That sounds fun. I’d like to see you throw an ax.

  Me: I kicked ass.

  Landon: So—you’re my last appointment of the day tomorrow. Maybe we can go for a drink after.

  Me: Okay.

  Staring at my phone, I quickly type out a goodnight and shut it off. Rubbing my forehead, I shove up from the couch and rush back to bed.

  Guilt fills me as I take in Brendan’s peaceful form. He has a small smile on his face and his lips are moving, almost like he’s having a conversation in his dream.

  I feel one foot slip out from under me. If I’m not careful, my happy life is going to go up in flames.

  Chimes announce my arrival at Landon’s clinic. Locking the door behind me as he requested, I tuck my shoes under the rack and hang my stuff on the hooks. As I round the corner of the wall that separates the entryway from the rest of the clinic, I freeze at the sight before me. My mouth goes dry as I take in Landon, shirtless and doing pull-ups at a bar I didn’t notice the last time I was here.