by Ashley Erin
His voice drowns out as I relive what happened to me. I know I should be paying attention to what he’s saying, but all I can hear is that horrible voice taunting in my head.
I sit there, feigning attention, my eyes on the doctor, but replaying each moment. Never once in my life did I think I would be the victim of an attempted rape. I was supposed to be in Landon’s car with him, on our way to go camping. Our town is supposed to be safe. I’ve never heard of anyone being attacked while out. It never crossed my mind to think twice about waiting outside for Landon.
Dr. Anders wraps up his instructions, checks my ribs and my pupils, and leaves the room. The rhythmic beeping of the machinery is the only sound in the room. Glancing around, I spot my purse sitting on a chair pulled up next to my bed. I find my phone, sighing when I discover the battery is dead.
There is a light tap on the door before it inches open, Brendan’s head peeking in. His brow is creased, his hair all over the place. His eyes are bloodshot, almost like he’s been crying or rubbing them. “Oh my God, Allie. When the hospital called me I almost had a heart attack. You never updated your emergency contact, so I called your parents. They’re on their way home, they said they’ll be a few days.”
He comes in the room, Dawn following close behind.
It seems trivial considering what happened, but the first thing I notice is the fact that they’re holding hands. My eyes dart to Dawn and back down to see her pulling her hand away.
She avoids my gaze when I look back up. All of a sudden her weird behavior makes perfect sense. I know Dawn, she’s flooded with guilt, but she shouldn’t be. Brendan and I aren’t together, and I’ve known for a long time that she likes Brendan as more than a friend. It makes me happy to see them happy.
“What did the doctor say?” Dawn’s calm, low voice is soothing, and as much as I love Blake, I’m glad that Dawn is here and not her. She would be bustling around the room, her energy all over the place.
“Ummm, if I’m being honest I kind of tuned him out.” I feel my cheeks flush as they gape at me. Squirming under their scrutiny, I lash out, “I figure I have a good reason to be a little out of it. I was almost raped.”
Dawn’s eyes fill with tears, trembling fingers covering her lips. I instantly feel guilty. It’s not their fault that they want the information and I know I should have listened. This whole situation is overwhelming and all I want is Landon and I can’t even get ahold of him. He’s undoubtedly so worried.
“I’m sorry, that wasn’t nice. I’m just tired and scared, and my phone is dead so I can’t even contact Landon and he’s got to be so worried.” I start to cry.
The bed dips as Brendan sits next to me, his arms pulling me into his chest as he hushes me down. Dawn sits on the other side of the bed, rubbing my back.
“I have my charger in the car, I’ll get it so you can charge your phone. Until then, I can call Landon.” Brendan gives me one last squeeze. “I still have his number from when I called about your party. I’ll be right back.”
He disappears into the hall, the door shutting behind him.
I lean into Dawn, feeling better knowing that soon Landon will be here. I can’t imagine the panic he’s in. I don’t say anything as we wait, but I can feel Dawn growing restless.
“Allie, this isn’t how I wanted you to find out . . .” Dawn starts, her voice filled with remorse.
Taking her hand, I smile. “You both look happy, so I’m happy. You two make sense. Let’s not worry about anything else.”
Wincing as she hugs me, I hold back a whimper because we both need the comfort of being held together.
“Hello?” I can hear the panic in my voice. I don’t recognize the number, but at this point I will answer anyone who calls if there is the chance they know where Allie is.
“Hey, Landon. It’s Brendan. I’m at the hospital. Allie was attacked this evening. They called me because I was still listed as her emergency contact from when we came here a couple of years ago. Her phone’s dead, which is why she hasn’t called, but I know she wants you here.” His words come out in a rush, so fast I barely have time to process before he’s done.
He runs through the details, but there isn’t much he can tell me because Allie didn’t know much. My heart pounds so hard it feels like it’s going to burst out of my chest.
“Thank you for calling me. I know this is awkward, but if you can tell her I’ll be there as soon as possible, I would really appreciate it.” I’m already pulling an illegal u-turn, praying I don’t get pulled over. It feels weird to be getting this info from Brendan, but he’s being surprisingly nice about it. He could easily have ignored the fact I’m not there, he could have ignored the call from the hospital, but he didn’t.
“She’s going to be okay, Landon.” His voice is reassuring, confident. “It’ll take some time, and knowing Allie her world has been rocked on its axis—she’s always been somewhat of an idealist—but I know you’ll be able to help her through this.”
“Thanks, Brendan.” I hang up and press on the gas, speeding as much as I can without drawing attention. The need to get to her is so intense, I’m in pain. I won’t feel better until I’m holding her in my arms.
I arrive to the hospital in under twenty minutes, parking and racing inside. I don’t care if I get a parking ticket, I’m not wasting time grabbing a pass.
I race through the maze of hallways, because why would a hospital be easy to navigate?
“Is she okay?” I finally see Brendan and Dawn, the surprise at seeing her sitting on his lap diminished by the desperate need to see for myself that Allie is okay.
A nurse comes out of her room, leaving the door open a crack. “You have an hour before we need to ask you to leave. We’ve extended Allie’s visiting hours due to the circumstances of her being here.” She gives us all a pointed look before heading back to the nurses’ station.
“We’re going to head out. Allie has my cell charger, let her know we can pick it up tomorrow.” Brendan gives me a small smile as he takes Dawn’s hand.
Nodding, I don’t give them a second glance as I head into her room.
Shutting the door behind me, I can’t tear my eyes off Allie. I feel sick to my stomach when I see the scrapes on her face and the defeated look in her eyes.
The guilt I feel is making me sick. If I wasn’t so late she wouldn’t have been in that park and this wouldn’t have happened to her.
“I’m so sorry, Allie.” Sitting on the bed, I take her hand and run my thumb over her knuckles, biting back tears when I flip her hand over and see the bruising on her palm. There are little dents where pebbles dug into her palm.
She closes her eyes, swallowing hard. When she meets my gaze again, tears have filled her eyes and her lips are quivering. “Where were you? Why didn’t you call?” Her voice is tired, angry, hurt. A myriad of emotions letting me know I’ve disappointed her.
It makes sense that she would ask that. I was just thinking the same thing, but it hurts that those are the first words out of her mouth. I let her down in the worst kind of way.
“My appointment ran long, and then I had a plumbing issue at the clinic. I should have called. I’m so sorry I didn’t.” I reach out to tuck a hair behind her ear, freezing when she flinches. “Allie, I’m never going to hurt you.” My voice is low, earnest, holding a tinge of pain.
“I know that.” She licks her lips, wiping at her eyes.
“Do you? Because I reached out to tuck hair behind your ear and you flinched.” I drop my hand to my lap.
“Landon, it’s going to take me a while to get over this. I was almost raped. I have four fractured ribs and a mild concussion. And my body is bruised from head to toe,” she snaps at me, pulling her hand away and crossing her arms. The move is so defensive, it cuts deep that she feels the need to protect herself from even me.
Then her words sink in.
“Brendan said you were attacked.” I force the next words out. “Not that you were almost raped.” I can feel
the blood drain from my face, the reality of the situation sinking in.
She drops her arms from their defensive position. Reaching out, she grabs my arm and pulls me down to lay next to her.
“I think we need to not think about it right now. I just want you to hold me, I feel like I’m about to fall apart.” She tucks her face into my chest, her body trembling. “I don’t want to fight with you.”
I hug her to me, holding her to me as tight as I can without hurting her. “I don’t know why words are coming out wrong. The thought of you being hurt makes me crazy.”
“I was so scared, Landon. It’s obvious he’s done this before, there was a method to how he intentionally kept my face pinned and in a way so I couldn’t see him.” She shudders, burrowing into me more, wincing. “I can still feel him against me.”
We hold on to each other. I know the physical wounds will heal, but I look into her eyes and I see the emotional and mental toll she’s struggling with. Her work is no longer a safe place, her town is no longer a safe place, and how does she get past that?
Rage fills me as I think about the person that did this to her. It boggles my mind that anyone could possibly think that’s okay. What’s even worse is that he’s still out there, stalking his next prey.
The room is quiet except for the sounds of the medical machinery. Allie’s arms are tight around me, it’s like she’s trying to soak up my warmth. She doesn’t know it, but she’s holding me together just as much as I’m holding her together.
She tucks her head under my chin, cuddling up as close as possible.
“Please don’t leave me,” she sighs out.
“I won’t,” I promise.
Her breathing grows deeper, evening out as she falls asleep in my arms.
I wake up, groggy as I tune in to Landon having a heated argument with my nurse.
“I don’t care about hospital policy. She asked me not to leave her, so I’m staying. Unless you want to wake her up and explain to her that she needs to spend the night alone after being attacked.” Landon’s arms are still around me, his muscles flexing as he hisses at her.
“Sir, unless you’re listed as family or her spouse I can’t do anything about it.” The nurse is firm.
Prying my eyes open, I glance at the clock and groan when I realize I’ve only been asleep for an hour.
“Please let him stay. I need him.” My voice is hoarse, my throat on fire.
Groaning, I roll over and attempt to sit up.
Landon practically growls at the poor nurse as I shift on the bed, the lines of fluid swinging as I try not to get tangled.
The nurse bustles out of the room after telling me to stay put. She returns quickly, frowning when she sees me swaying where I sit. “He can stay.”
Landon guides me back down on the bed, with a grateful thanks to the nurse, and folds me back into his arms. She gives a gentle, but tired smile as I fade out as quickly as I came to.
Since I’m too sore to sleep on an air mattress and go hiking, Landon cancels our vacation with the promise that we’ll go once I’m feeling better. Instead, I shift my time off to sick time and he packs up PeeWee to come stay with me and Blade.
For the first week, I absolutely love having him dote on me. My body aches in ways I’ve never felt, and having Landon with me makes me feel safe. By the end of the first week, I’m going stir-crazy from being housebound and not having any space to myself. I love Landon, but he’s in overprotective mode and it’s becoming a little much.
“I think I’m going to go out, do a little shopping.” My voice is determined, ready to win the argument I know is coming. I’m already dressed and ready to go, less time for him to argue with me.
“I guess we have been pretty cooped up in the house.” He smiles and rests his hand on my arm and kisses my cheek. “Give me ten minutes and we can head out.”
“Landon, I appreciate how helpful you’ve been this past week, but I was hoping to have some alone time.” Biting my lip, I fight the crushing guilt at the hurt look on his face. He’s trying so hard to be there for me, to ensure I have everything I need, and it feels like I’m throwing it in his face.
When he sighs and smiles, I wrap my arms around him more grateful than I can express over how wonderful he is. “I just want to help. Go, have fun. I’ll see you when you get home. Maybe I’ll take PeeWee for a walk.”
Heading out, I decide to go to the mall and just wander through my favorite stores. As I drive, I find myself looking at my town with new eyes. Every person on the street looks suspicious and I find myself wondering which of the men I see is the one who tried to violate me in the worst way.
My safe home has been painted with a new brush and I don’t like it. I want the rose-colored glasses back. I don’t want to think twice about going for a walk after dark. I don’t want to feel like I need to check over my shoulder when I’m out.
Lost in my thoughts, I drive mindlessly through town and into the parking lot. Shutting my car off, I step out and finally process my surroundings. I’m at work.
Breathing hard, I start to open my car door again, but instead I drop my hand and with unsteady footsteps, I slowly make my way into the center of the park. My heart pounds, my chest feels constricted as I take slow steps.
I’ve lost my damn mind, but I can’t seem to pull myself away. Maybe it’s just morbid curiosity, but I need to look at the place where just a week ago I was pinned down. I need to face the space that I designed to be a Zen garden, but is now I place that has been haunting my nightmares.
Tears fill my eyes as I kick my flip flops off and step onto the stones at the base of the fountain, just like that day. This time, however, I’m more watchful of my surroundings.
Taking a deep breath, I turn to face the bench I was thrown down on. It looks exactly the same as it did before. Of course it does. If our environment changed to reflect the horrific things that happened in it, the world would be an ugly place. Instead, most of humanity’s ugliness is disguised, with a few exceptions of course.
The air flowing in and out of my lungs is choking me as I try to prevent the feeling of suffocation and panic. I can’t seem to fill my lungs enough.
Biting my fist, I stifle back a sob as my knees buckle and I collapse to the ground. Planting my hands on the smooth stones, I let myself release the tears, the flowing water washing them away. I’m completely shaken, and I don’t know how to find some sort of peace again.
My head jerks up, a scream flying from my lips when a hand lands on my shoulders. My vision is blurry as I pummel the person touching me with my fists.
“Shhh. Allie, it’s me. It’s Landon.” His face fills my blurred vision before I collapse weakly into his arms. His soft, soothing whispers calming me while my body stops convulsing with the power of my sobs.
I don’t know how much time passes before the tears stops and my breathing evens out. Stepping back, I rub my hands over my arms trying to warm up.
“Why are you here, Landon?” My voice is quiet, resigned. The hoarseness scratching my throat. My entire body hurts.
“I followed you. I know you, Allie. I knew you would end up here.” When he steps toward me, I take a quick step back.
“I told you I wanted to be alone, just for an afternoon. I’m a grown woman, I’m capable of dealing with this. I just wanted you to leave me alone.” I know my words hurt him. I know he’s trying to help. That doesn’t change the fact that I need time to myself to deal with what happened. I like to believe I will be able to move past it, but I need to confront as much of it as I can. And I want to do that on my own.
“Allie, I can’t just leave you alone.” He sounds tired, and for the first time I notice the dark circles under his eyes. How could I have missed them?
“Yes, you can. I love having you stay with me, but you don’t need to sacrifice your time to yourself just because this happened.” My words are harsh, completely unfair, but I can’t seem to find my filter.
“You’re wrong. It’s not
a sacrifice. And yes, I do need to be with you. I need to make sure you’re okay.” His quiet, steady demeanor just fuels my irrational anger.
“Why? Why are you putting this on yourself?” I raise my voice. I hate feeling dependent on anyone and right now it feels like he is bearing the weight of our relationship. I want him to have an equal partner in me, I don’t want him to feel like I’m a burden.
“Because it’s my fault!” he yells, dropping his voice when I flinch. “You were attacked because of me. You were attacked because I was late. That’s why. That’s why I need to make sure you’re okay. If you’re okay, then we’ll be okay. I need you to know I won’t let you down again. I can’t sleep because all I can think about is losing you. Losing you because one day you’ll wake up and resent me for letting this happen to you.”
He looks so tormented, it breaks my heart and suddenly I see the whole situation from his point of view. I finally recognize what I’m seeing in his eyes, a desperate need to make things right. Rushing forward, I wrap my arms around him.
“It’s not your fault. It’s not. There’s only one person to blame, and that’s the sick person who attacked me. He’s the only one at fault. If it wasn’t me, it would’ve been someone else. I could’ve stayed inside, but I didn’t. That doesn’t make it my fault. We can’t take that on because it just releases him from his guilt.” As I speak the words, I feel a piece of me click back together.
I’m nowhere near healed, this will be an emotional scar that will last a lifetime, but vocalizing that it was a conscious decision of a person who saw an opportunity helps me realize I was holding some of the blame. I don’t want that for either of us.