by Ashley Erin
Landon presses his forehead to mine, our eyes locked on each other. In this moment we’re holding each other together, stabilizing, and I know that no matter what comes our way, I will fight for us always to be the other’s safe place. That’s what love is about. It’s not about equal playing fields. It’s about creating a balance that works for us and knowing it’s okay for it to tip one way or the other, because eventually it will even out again.
“I love you, Allie. Maybe here, in this place, isn’t the best spot to tell you, but I need you to hear the words. I need you to know that I won’t leave you alone when you’re hurting, because that’s what you do for someone you love.” He searches my eyes, his hands kneading gentle circles in my lower back.
“I love you too.” My voice is quiet, sure. It’s the one thing I’m one hundred percent certain of.
He kisses me, deep and passionately. Every feeling we’ve been holding onto, fear, anger, guilt, love; it’s all poured into this kiss. And it’s perfect.
Landon has colored this place with a positive memory. It’ll always hold a shadow, it may not be the place it once was, but this moment will always be bigger.
“Thank you for returning some of the peace to my Zen garden.” Burying my face into his chest, I breathe in deeply. “Let’s go home.”
Once we get home, Allie goes to take a warm bath and I set about prepping dinner. I knew she would go to that garden, I could feel it. I’m so glad I followed that feeling and showed up. A weight has been lifted, telling her how I feel like it’s my fault, and her conviction when she took both of us out of the equation and reminded me it’s no one’s fault but that guy’s.
Now that some of her physical aches have eased, her ribs the biggest source of contention, she’s returning to work next week. I can see the conflicting emotions she’s struggling with when she talks about going back there, but maybe today will help.
By the time Allie gets out of the tub, dinner is on the table.
“This looks so good!” Allie gushes.
It’s a simple casserole, but I made sure to add in extra pepper jack cheese, her favorite.
“While I was cooking, I was thinking you should call Dawn and Blake up. You’ve been avoiding Dawn since the hospital. Plus Blake sounded really upset when you were talking to her last night.” My voice is gentle, but she needs to talk to them, to someone, about what happened.
“You’re right. I know Dawn will want to talk more about the Brendan thing, even though it’s unnecessary. Blake returned yesterday from her vacation, I know speaking on the phone last night wasn’t enough to appease her, she was mad no one told her about what happened. I said I didn’t want to ruin her vacation.” Allie sets her fork down, the wince when she reaches for the pitcher of iced tea barely discernible, but I don’t miss it. I know better than to say anything, we’ve argued enough over me trying to do too much for her.
PeeWee barks at Blade, who is perched on his cat tower. Grinning, I glance over at Allie. “I think he likes living here with his buddy.”
Allie’s fork pauses mid-air as she looks over to where PeeWee is wiggling his butt, waiting for Blade to play. “They definitely get along.” She clears her throat, glancing back at me. “Landon, I love having you here, but I think maybe you should go home. I know how hard it is for you not to do things for me, but I need to get back into my own routine. It’s not that I don’t love having you here, but—”
“But you’re ready to have your space back. I understand. It’s going to be impossible not to worry, but I’ll head home tomorrow, if that’s okay.” I smile at her, trying to hide how disappointed I am. I don’t want to go back home. Living with Allie has been a dream come true, but I know she’s not ready for that.
“Thank you for understanding. I was thinking, maybe you should keep your key.” She watches me, her lips quirking as I visibly try to contain my excitement.
“Really?” She nods.
It’s still so surreal, we’re here and we’re actually moving forward. She’s starting to trust that I’m not going anywhere this time, and I’m going to continue to show her how much I love her and that I will do anything to make her happy.
“I love you. I’ll make you a key this week. I just need to let Josh know so he quits walking around in his underwear.” We grin at each other.
Allie made the mistake of walking in the house the other day when I went to grab some more clothes and got a glimpse of Josh pulling his boxers up over his ass. He really has no shame.
“Yeah, that was scarring. We should introduce him to Blake.” Laughing, she shakes her head. “She would eat him up and spit him out.”
Allie’s not lying, but as much as I love my brother, I would love to see it. Though, we both know that Josh isn’t Blake’s type.
At the end of the night, we curl up in her bed. I listen to her steady breathing, grateful that she’s sleeping peacefully. The first few nights she had such bad nightmares, she punched me in the face.
Kissing her shoulder, I close my eyes and fall asleep grateful that it’s next to Allie. Every night, I say thanks for my second chance.
Tonight is my first night in my condo without Landon since the attack. Instead of facing the emptiness, I invited Dawn and Blake over for pizza and a movie. It’s kind of sad, but I also want to catch up with them now that things have settled a little more, and without Landon hovering like a neurotic hen in the background.
“Come in,” I holler when I hear a knock on the door, I look up from where I’m laying out snacks on the coffee table to grin at Blake.
“You’re early.” I snag a carrot and dunk it into my homemade dill dip. God, that’s so good.
“Yeah, I wanted to talk to you about something before Dawn got here.” Blake’s tone is uncharacteristically serious, so I sit down.
“What is it?” I’m curious, this is different than the hysterics she was in when we spoke on the phone and I told her what happened.
“I want you to know, I’m on your side with the whole Dawn and Brendan thing. She should’ve come to you before anything happened. I told her that.” Blake is serious, her eyes unhappy as she paces my living room. “I can’t believe she acted on it, and with everything that’s been going on.”
I hate that her concern for me is causing a rift between her and her twin, especially when she’s carrying a burden she doesn’t need to.
Sighing, I pat the couch next to me. “Blake, I’ve known for a long time that Dawn is attracted to Brendan. I’m glad they’re happy.” My voice is sincere because I truly mean the words.
Before Blake can reply, Dawn pokes her head in. “Hey.”
She comes in, hugging me as she sets a bottle of wine down on the table. Her and Blake are giving each other the side eye as she sits in the chair on my other side. This needs to end.
“Okay you two. Enough.” I stand up and cross my arms, ignoring the pain in my ribs. “Listen up, you need to stop arguing over this. I’m glad that you and Brendan are happy. I really don’t care that you didn’t talk to me about it, maybe before everything happened I would have, but not anymore.”
They finally start to relax, I know they will need to work this out between themselves later.
A knock on the door makes me tense, my eyes watchful as Blake gets up and opens the door. Only relaxing when I see the pizza in the guy’s hands, I turn back to my drink. Dawn’s eyes are watchful as Blake pays and brings the box of cheesy goodness to the table.
“How’re you doing?” Dawn’s voice is soft.
My heart starts pounding in my chest, I hate talking about it, but I know I need to get it out. I spared Landon many of the details, I just couldn’t bear to put that burden on him, but I know it’s different with Blake and Dawn.
“Everything’s different. I still feel him pressed against me, the cruelty in his intent. I’m forever grateful to whomever came to my rescue, and the worst part is I can’t even say thank you because they don’t want to be known. This town is different to me, my work is
—just not the same anymore. It used to be a place I enjoyed, a place I actually looked forward to going to every day. That feeling is gone. There are days when I don’t even know how I’m going to leave the house.” My voice shakes. “Landon has been so great. I’m worried that he’s not going to want to deal with the repercussions of this. I haven’t been able to bring myself to have sex with him since then. He thinks it’s because of my ribs, but, in reality, sex is tainted. I feel like my body was stolen from me, even though nothing happened. Well, not nothing, you know what I mean.”
They listen as I cry through the myriad of feelings I get ambushed with every day. I can’t even imagine how someone who was raped deals with the emotions and the anger and the fear on a day to day basis.
“Allie, hardly any time has passed. No one expects you to just get over it. And if they do, they’re not worth your time.” Blake stands up, her voice defensive.
I know this, I really do, but I wish I could get over it. I just want to feel normal again.
“Things with Landon will come. You love each other. Talk to him, ease back into it at your own pace. Remember what he said to you, not to let anyone steal your joy. Don’t give that sicko that kind of power over your body.” Dawn comes over and takes my hand, her eyes wet with unshed tears.
Blake sits on my other side, taking my other hand, and for a little while we just sit there. I can feel their comfort flowing into me. I left the garden with so much resolve, but it’s amazing how quickly that dissipated.
“You’re right. I know none of this is my fault. And I don’t want him to have any power over me.” I squeeze their hands before letting go so we can eat.
My mind is going a mile a minute as I think about the best way to deal with this before I finally remember the card I was given when I was discharged from the hospital. The therapist specializes in victims of sexual assault, and I think that even just a few sessions will help me.
Maybe some people are strong enough to deal on their own, but I think having a professional to talk to will help me.
We eat in silence, lost in the dark place that comes when something horrible happens to you or someone you know. They both sense I need to shift gears, but I can tell they aren’t sure where to go from here.
Finishing off my slice of pizza, I sink into the couch getting cozy and angle my body toward Dawn. “Now, why don’t you tell me how the whole you and Brendan thing got started, I want to hear the dirt. Well, maybe not the naughty bits because awkward.” I grin at Dawn. I want to hear, but I also want to avoid talking about me right now. I still haven’t sorted out how to cope with everything.
“I went to his house for his birthday, brought him a tuxedo cupcake. We ended up sharing it and then he kissed me.” She blushes, chewing on her lower lip. “I’ve liked Brendan for a long time, and I loved kissing him, but I told him I wouldn’t be his rebound and left.”
She smirks, blushing a little more before she continues, “So we kept talking, but never broached the topic of the kiss again, so I let it go. Then one day he shows up at my door and says I’m not a rebound and asked to come in. I told him all I want is a fair chance and he promised me that’s what we would do, give ‘us’ a fair chance.”
She’s so happy, she’s glowing by the time she’s filled us in on everything that’s been happening since March.
“I’m so happy for you two. Seriously, I think you’re such a good match and I truly hope it works. I think I said the same thing to Landon not long after we started. All anyone really wants is a fair chance to get their happily ever after.” I smile, feeling my lips wobble a little with emotion. Leaning forward, I snag another piece of pizza to give me a chance to compose myself. I’ve been feeling so emotional lately.
“Yeah yeah. You’re happy, she’s happy. Now, let’s get on to the important shit. Girls’ trip. Florida. A sandy beach and my two best friends. It’s happening this year. I don’t want to go hiking. I don’t want to go to Vegas. I want to go to the beach. And Harry Potter World. No more putting it off.” Blake points at us, her gaze no-nonsense.
Laughing we start planning our annual girls’ trip. It’s a nice reprieve to focus on something other than what happened. By the time they leave, I feel okay to crawl into my bed alone, something I wasn’t sure I would be after Landon took his stuff and went home for the night.
August
A fire crackles in the pit, the scent of burning pine filling our campsite. Allie loads the table with everything we need to cook dinner over the fire. Smiling as she hums, I get the grill ready while watching her. All the physical signs of her attack have vanished, her ribs healed and the bruises gone.
It’s been a couple of months since that night and we’re finally on our vacation. Allie wanted to take the time to not only heal physically, but address some of the mental issues that followed before we did this.
“Tomorrow we should rent a canoe and circle the lake that way. If it’s hot enough, maybe we can brave the cool water and go swimming. I also want to explore the island in the middle of the lake.” Allie drops into her chair, a fresh beer in hand.
Taking the bottle she offers me, I scooch closer to her and drape one arm across her shoulders. “Sounds fun.”
“Wait, you’re not going to argue with me?” She gives me some serious side eye.
After our moment in the garden outside her office, I tried not to be as overprotective. I didn’t always succeed, and we had several arguments about expectations in our relationship after Allie asked me to let her be on her own. As much as I hated not being there all the time, I can admit she was right. I was constantly in her space trying to stop her from doing things because I was paranoid she would hurt herself. And I couldn’t see her doing those things and it helped me worry a little less. A very little less, but it did help.
“Is there any point?” I give an exaggerated sigh, winking at her. “Besides, I can admit I was being a little overbearing and ridiculous.”
She laughs, leaning forward to flip the steak I have cooking on the grill.
It’s nice to see her laughing more. Allie is strong, and she tried not to let the attack change her, but something like that impacts the way our brain processes things. She doesn’t look at things the same and it’s been an adjustment for the both of us to constantly confront how she’s changed.
Allie is still strong, she loves to laugh and smile, but her view of the world isn’t quite as positive as it was before. She’s more cautious about her approach to the outside world.
I wish for her that she didn’t need to feel so guarded, but I don’t know how she could possibly come back from what happened without any changes.
She’s a little more somber, a little less trusting than she was before.
Yet, she also recognizes that the good will always outweigh the bad and she’s unwilling to let some asshole steal her light.
We still argue about things, like me wanting to move in with her and her telling me it’s too soon. Or when she didn’t tell me that she slipped in the shower the day after I returned home and torqued her ribs.
It’s been an interesting journey as we navigate our relationship in a way we never had a chance to before. I love every moment of it, and if I thought she would say yes, I would ask her to marry me right now. But Allie doesn’t want to rush. She wants to take things slow and “do it right” in her words.
Our views on where our relationship is at are completely different, but I can wait. My heart held on to her for over seven years, it can wait a couple more before we take the next step. She’s the love of my life and we have the rest of our lives to reach those milestones.
One Year Later
“Now let’s raise our glasses. To Dawn and Brendan, congrats on your beautiful wedding. We can’t wait to see what the future holds for you and that darling baby boy.” Everyone tilts their glasses back, sipping at the champagne as Dawn and Brendan kiss. Kyler chews on his fist next to them, his chin covered in saliva as he smiles around his hand.
&
nbsp; Sitting next to Landon, I kiss him on the cheek.
“They look so happy,” he observes.
And they do. Dawn is glowing, despite the exhaustion that goes hand in hand with having a three-month-old infant. Brendan has never looked happier or more in love. He smiles at me, lifting his glass at Landon and me before turning to whisper in Dawn’s ear.
I’m so glad they’ve found their happiness. It was a bit of a shock for all of us when Dawn announced over brunch that not only were she and Brendan moving in together, but that they were expecting a child and getting married.
It took me a while to process that, not because I was jealous, but because it made me realize that when something is right it doesn’t matter about a timeline.
Four weeks later, Landon moved in with me.
And tonight, I get to tell him that he’s going to be a father. The sparkling apple juice in my glass disguising the fact that I’m not drinking. Blake has been helping me hide the fact I’m pregnant from everyone. I needed an ally at the wedding and I have something special planned for Landon later, so I confided in Blake because I knew she would help keep my secret.
Leaning into Landon, I sigh.
“What’s going on in that beautiful head of yours?” He kisses me on my temple, smiling as I tilt my head back to look at him.
“I’m just happy.” I resist rubbing my hand over my stomach, taking his hand instead.
We’ve overcome so much in the last year. The counseling helped me enormously, I feel capable of managing the rare moments of fear, something that seemed impossible as I started needing to cope with the outside world a little more.
Another woman was assaulted, but this time someone saw who the perpetrator was and he’s currently being charged. I don’t know if the guy is the same person who attacked me, but I tell myself he is and that he’s finally getting what he deserves.