Courtney sidestepped to allow Chris to pass and shot Tess an apologetic look. Embarrassment crept up Tess’s face, and she excused herself to check on Ali. When Courtney was sure she was out of hearing range, she punched her brother in the shoulder in irritation. Chris turned and flashed her a wide smile. “Now I know why my charm didn’t work on her,” he whispered. “Cockblock.”
“Knock it off, jerk, it isn’t like that.” Courtney rolled her eyes and huffed in frustration.
Chris raised an eyebrow and shot Courtney a look that said, It’s always like that. He glanced down the hall to make sure the coast was clear and leaned back to whisper to his sister, “Did she say she was checking on her kid?” When Courtney nodded, Chris was stunned. “You don’t do kids.”
“Shut up, Chris.”
He looked at his sister skeptically and whispered. “You don’t do single moms.”
“I said shut up, Chris.” She poked her brother in the shoulder hard, irritated at his inconvenient interruption and not wanting to strike up a conversation with him while Tess was in the other room. “Go to bed!” She brushed past her brother and made her way down the hall and opened the door to her bedroom.
Tess was standing just inside the door, arms crossed, watching Ali sleep. Her demeanor kept Courtney at a distance. She clicked the door shut behind her quietly and stood in silence for a moment, wondering what Tess was thinking.
“I’m sorry about my brother,” she whispered, “he’s staying with me for a bit.”
Tess nodded, whispering quietly, “Why are you apologizing, it’s your house.”
Courtney suddenly got the feeling that Tess had put something very large between them. She wanted to wrap her arms around her, but stepped into her view instead. “Hey,” she whispered, tipping her head a little to get Tess to look at her. When Tess finally met her gaze, her eyes were glassy and she shook her head, a look of unease on her face. Courtney knew what was coming and pressed her finger to Tess’s lips before she could part them to speak. “Ssh.” She pulled a reluctant Tess towards her in an embrace and turned to plant a light kiss to Tess’s temple.
As soon as Tess had stepped into the room with her daughter and the door had clicked behind her, she had been seized with regret. Her mind had won over, and she cursed herself for letting the situation in the kitchen go too far. She had a daughter. She didn’t have the luxury of thoughtless flings. Every move she made affected the little girl laying in the bed in front of her. She really enjoyed talking to and being around Courtney, and she was sure she had just ruined what they had with the situation in the kitchen. Sex and feelings mess things up. When Courtney had wrapped her arms around her, she knew she should move, but wanted to enjoy a second in the woman’s arms before it was taken away. She took a deep breath, but Courtney spoke before she could.
“Don’t start freaking out and tell me that you can’t do this and apologize ten times for something we both participated in,” she whispered into Tess’s hair before leaning back and holding her at arm’s length. She could tell by Tess’s body language that the woman was suddenly a ball of nerves and was willing to do anything to calm the woman. “You made yourself clear at the café. No matter what happens between us, you don’t need to reclarify or be worried that I’m going to start sending you flowers and stalking you with love notes.”
Tess smiled in halfhearted amusement, “I just, I just don’t want you to think that I’m…” Tess covered her eyes with her hands, flustered.
“You’re in love with me, aren’t you?” Courtney feigned the most serious face she could and stifled a laugh when Tess jerked her head up, a look of sheer terror on her face.
“I’m kidding!” She laughed and hugged Tess again, rubbing her hand on Tess’s back a few times before reluctantly releasing her. When Tess stepped back with a smile on her face, Courtney smiled, knowing she had relaxed the woman a little. “You overthink things, relax.”
“I’m sorry.”
Courtney frowned. “You shouldn’t apologize so much. You don’t have anything to be sorry for. I had a great time with you today and I hope we can do it again. I owe that kid a trip to the zoo.”
Tess nodded, thankful that Courtney had let her off the hook so easily. “The zoo sounds great.”
Courtney crossed her own arms in front of her to stop herself from reaching for Tess again. “I’ll be in the bedroom across the hall if you need anything.” When Tess nodded, Courtney said a quick “goodnight” and walked out of the room. She latched the door behind her and leaned against it for a moment, closing her eyes. I think I’m in trouble, she thought before crossing the hall.
CHAPTER EIGHT
Tess had barely slept the night she spent at Courtney’s and had a hard time sleeping since. She’d spent most of the night, doing nothing but staring at her daughter and thinking. She thought about Courtney, she thought about Ali, she thought about herself and her life. She thought about Hillary. When Ali had woken up the next morning, she had gotten ready and left before Courtney woke up. She left a quick note on the counter: Thanks for everything, talk to you soon. –T
After spending the early hours of the morning with conflicting feelings, she was unsure she wanted to have an awkward morning with Courtney, so she had ran out with her tail between her legs. She was nervous when she didn’t hear from Courtney the following day, but grateful the day after when the woman started talking to her again as if nothing had happened. She had spent so much time thinking in the following week that she almost forgot her nephew’s birthday party. She had been sitting at home, staring at the coffee pot when her cellphone rang, startling her out of a daze.
“Where are you, Tess?”
“Umm, at home where are you?” Tess laughed at the ridiculous question. “Why?”
Breanne’s voice was full of irritation on the other end. “You’re supposed to be bringing the cake?”
“Oh!” Tess set the coffee cup down and ran to her bedroom frantically, hoping today was the day she would be good at lying to her sister. “I am just walking out the door, I’m running a little late this morning.”
“Did you pick the cake up yet?”
“Yep, leaving with it now.” Tess pinned the phone to her shoulder and stripped off her pants, rummaging through her dresser for a clean pair.
“Theresa Anne, you are a terrible liar!” Breanne cursed at her from the other end of the line, “The store just called because you were supposed to pick it up half an hour ago!”
“Dammit!” Tess cursed and nearly dropped the phone, pulling her pants on. “Well why did you ask if you already knew the answer!” She scoffed loudly. “I’m coming, Bre, I’m sorry! I told you I was running late!” She pulled a shirt out of the closet, “I’ll be there in ten, do you need anything else?” When her sister declined, she hit the end button and yelled for Ali.
Twenty minutes later she walked through her sister’s front door, cake in hand, tiny blonde in tow. On the way to the dining room she got a disapproving look from her sister and another from her mother. “At least you still love me.” She scooped up her nephew and pretended to eat his neck when he came rushing into the dining room. He erupted in giggles and then wriggled out of her grip to run down the hall with the other screaming kids. She looked at both of them apologetically, “Hey, I made it, and sorry I’m late.”
Breanne smiled at her arrogantly. “You aren’t late, the party doesn’t start for another half an hour.”
Tess looked at the clock and then back at her sister in exasperation. “You told me two o’clock and then yelled at me for not picking up the cake on time!”
Tess’s mom smiled and kissed her daughter on the cheek, “Yeah but that’s because we all knew you would be late, dear”.
Tess looked at them both incredulously. “I didn’t even brush my teeth!”
Breanne laughed and pointed towards the bathroom. “There is an extra toothbrush in the drawer, ya nasty.”
“Ugh.” Tess made her way to the bathroom, found t
he toothbrush, and brushed her teeth roughly, thinking she really needed to snap out of whatever it was she was in. Focus, Tess. She finished her teeth and replaced the toothbrush and looked at herself in the mirror. She groaned at what she saw and rifled through her sister’s cabinets for her makeup. Ten minutes later, she walked out of the bathroom looking what she considered somewhat presentable. She took two steps out of the bathroom door when she nearly had a heart attack and was scooped up and thrown over a shoulder.
“Put me down, Jimmy!” Tess screeched, half irritated, half giggling. He smacked her butt hard, twice before tossing her on the couch, grabbing her thigh, and punching it playfully, but hard enough to have her screeching in pain. “Quit it, you ass!” She grabbed the pillow beside her and chucked it at his head, rubbing her thigh lightly, sure it would bruise again.
Her brother in law beamed a mischievous grin. “How would you know I loved you if I didn’t pick on you?”
“Some people, wait for it…” Tess drew her words out dramatically, “some people just say hi.”
Jimmy laughed loudly. “Well it’s a good thing your brother isn’t “some people,” or you would be bored. Come on, everyone is outside, the kids are on the trampoline.” With that, he grabbed a wrench off the stand and turned and walked out the front door.
Tess got off the couch and followed. She was grateful for the warmth of the sun that hit her face when she stepped on the porch. She sat on the front step and watched the kids bouncing, listening to them bicker back and forth about whose turn it was and who was going to tell on who. She smiled, remembering when she was that small and missing the simplicity of being a child. She scanned the yard for her sister and found her leaning on her car, talking to Jimmy who was bent under the hood. She felt someone sit down beside her and didn’t have to look to know it was her mother.
“What’s on your mind, chickadee?” Her mother used the endearment she had called her youngest daughter since birth.
Tess frowned, “I was just thinking how nice it must be, to be normal.” Though she would never admit it to Breanne, Tess craved what her sister had. “It must be nice to just meet someone, settle down, get married, have kids, and live life without anyone questioning you. Without having to worry about what other people think every time you walk in a room, everywhere you go. Without having to worry about what your own family thinks.” Tess stuck the corner of her fingernail in her mouth, suddenly missing Hillary and her blind acceptance of the world.
“Well, there is still time, we can find you a nice boy to settle down with.” When Tess shot her mother a sideways glance, the woman chuckled. “Oh, you know I’m just kidding, lighten up, and what are you talking about family? We all love you, no matter what, you know that, so that is just ridiculous.”
Tess glanced back at the kids on the trampoline. “Not everyone mom, Aunt Carrie and Chase won’t even speak to me if they see me in public. Natalie requested a different nurse when she brought the baby in when he had croup.” Tess pictured Natalie and Chase running around the front yard with Breanne and herself as kids. “We used to be so close…”
Tess’s mom sighed deeply. “Well that is just ridiculous and why I no longer have anytime for my uptight sister. Some people are just stuck in their ways, sweetie, they will get over it, or they won’t, you can’t change it.”
Tess sighed, a tear forming in the corner of her eye. “That’s just it Mom, I don’t want to be the reason you don’t talk to your sister, and I don’t want my cousins to refuse to speak to me. I just… I just want to be.” She looked at her mother somberly, realizing this was the first real conversation they had ever had about her sexuality. “No one questioned Breanne when her and Jimmy got married so young, everyone was so happy for them.” Tess watched Breanne poke Jimmy in the ribcage and thought about her relationship with Hillary.
“You are living differently than people are used to, Tess. I know it must be more difficult, but eventually it won’t be so taboo.” Janie patted her daughter’s shoulder. “Until then, I raised a strong girl.”
Tess felt her mother kiss her temple and watched as the woman made her way down to chase the kids. For the first time since she had started seeing Hillary years ago, she wondered how much of their problems had been her own fault. Hillary had always been very open and honest about who she was, always craving to be the center of attention and loving to get a reaction out of people. Tess had always been the opposite. She was mostly “closeted,” no one she worked with knew she was gay and some of her friends and only more recently did her family start catching on.
Tess was a private person and didn’t want other people knowing her business. She didn’t even like walking in a doctor’s office by herself, because people looked at her. She didn’t like public displays of affection, because she respected that most of the people around her didn’t even accept her lifestyle, and she didn’t want to throw it in their faces. Hillary was the opposite, loving a reaction, always trying to hold Tess’s hand in public, kiss, or touch in some way. It usually ended in a two-hour fight on the way home, with Hillary yelling at Tess that she was ashamed of her or didn’t love her as much as she cared about what other people thought.
Tess watched Breanne and Jimmy, I bet no one is offended when they go out in public. I bet they don’t give it a second thought when they hold hands in the grocery store. Tess frowned, wondering how much of what had happened between her and Hillary had been her pushing Hillary away with her own insecurities. Maybe someone can hide who they are for only so long before they want to just break out. Tess frowned. She knew she was attempting to justify Hillary’s cheating to herself, but she was also a person that believed that life was not mostly black and white, but rather mostly made up of grey area. On days like today, surrounded by family, Tess missed Hillary. She missed the history, the light-hearted playful fun side of Hillary. She watched her daughter jump on the trampoline, and her heart ached at having to start over with someone and throw more than six years of history with Hillary away. She had been waiting for the day that Ali asked to see Hillary, but that day hadn’t come yet. She had even thought long and hard and spoke with Brad about what the right decision would be. They both agreed that Hillary had loved Ali, and if Ali asked to see Hillary, they would let her, but if she didn’t that maybe it would be best to let it be and move on. Though Hillary had asked to see Ali several times, Tess knew that most of the requests were ways of trying to get Tess to respond to her, or trying to see Tess.
She hasn’t asked about her. The realization hit Tess like a ton of bricks. Just yesterday, Ali had been asking when they could go see Courtney and Jasper again, when they could go to the zoo. She asks to see someone she has met only once, but not someone she has known since the day she was born who suddenly disappears from her life. Tess thought about the significance behind her thoughts and wondered if she had done the right thing in letting Ali meet Courtney. There were so many what ifs in Tess’s head that she felt like she didn’t know up from down lately. She had spoken to Courtney a few times in the past week, but most of their conversations had been brief and sporadic. Tess was struggling with her feelings for the woman and trying to sort out how she felt about the situation with Hillary. She had found herself spending countless hours analyzing every possible situation, solution, outcome and things that could be done differently. Mostly, she just felt like she wasn’t in a good place with anyone.
“Theresa Anne.” Breanne’s voice snapped Tess out of her thoughts. She looked at the twinkle in her sister’s eyes and groaned. “What now?”
“So my little bug was just telling me how she is going to the zoo with mom’s new friend.”
Tess rolled her eyes, loving her daughter for her sense of timing. “Nothing is set in stone, we were out to dinner last week, and Ali asked if we could—”
“Out to dinner?” Breanne cut her sister off. “With the computer girl?” She looked at her sister in astonishment. “Why didn’t I hear about this and why wasn’t I invited?” Breanne
set on the step next to her sister, ecstatic excitement written all over her face. “I like computer girl.”
Tess chuckled. “You don’t even know her, Breanne.”
Breanne looked at her sister questioningly, “Is her name Hillary?”
“No, it’s Courtney, and don’t ask me what her last name is because I’m not giving you access to web-stalk her.”
Breanne smiled broadly, “Then I love her. Courtney is my new favorite person. So when can I meet her?”
Tess rolled her eyes at her sister. “Don’t be an ass, and you can’t. We are just friends, there is no reason to meet her.”
Breanne looked at her sister skeptically. “You don’t make new friends, Tess, we hate people. Then again, you don’t generally let Ali around new people either.” She studied her sister’s face for a sign. “Is this just a taking-it-slow kind of thing?”
Tess shook her head. “No, Breanne, there is no taking it slow, there are no expectations at all, we are just…” an image of being pressed up against Courtney’s island, hands roaming, lips brushing, jumped into Tess’s mind and she blinked rapidly, willing the color to stay out of her cheeks, “…talking and hanging out.”
Breanne chuckled. “Did you seriously just say no expectations Tess?” She chuckled again. “Please tell me you are not trying to tell me that you are just friends with benefits. My sister does not do friends with benefits.”
Tess was irritated by Breanne’s picking and felt the need to defend herself. “I can have a friend with benefits. I can do friends with benefits.”
Breanne chuckled again. “Tess, you can’t buy a shirt without leaving the store and going back in three times because it is a serious commitment. You have a cat because it looked at you when you walked past the store window and you felt bad for it and paid an outrageous amount of money for something you could’ve gotten out of the newspaper for free, and you don’t even like cats! Ali didn’t even have a name for the first four hours after she was born because you wanted to make sure the name fit and you didn’t want her to hate you later because it didn’t.”
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