No Expectations

by Morgan Thomas

  The second their lips had separated, Tess rested her forehead against Courtney’s and started talking before the woman could get away again. With her hands still cupped on Courtney’s face, she rambled. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I left you at my sister’s. I’m sorry that I texted you like a coward to tell you I needed some time to think. I’m sorry that I was distant, and I am so sorry.” She pulled her forehead back from Courtney’s to look in the woman’s eyes. “I am not with Hillary. I am not ever going to be with Hillary. I didn’t ask you to meet me because I wanted to let you down easy. I asked you to meet me because I miss you.”

  Courtney had allowed her eyes to remain closed when Tess started talking, giving herself a moment to enjoy the woman’s closeness before reluctantly opening her eyes again. Tess’s voice and words had Courtney’s emotions swarming. When Tess was finished talking, Courtney took a deep breath and reached up to pull the woman’s hands from her face and release them into their owner’s lap. When Tess had said Hillary’s name, something inside her had gone cold, and she reminded herself of the look on Tess’s face the day she had rushed to the hospital. Not only was she instantly angry with the woman, she was angry with herself for letting herself feel what she did.

  “You don’t need to explain yourself to me, Tess, you’re a big girl. You can do what you want. I get it.” She turned away from Tess and put her hands on the steering wheel, squeezing lightly to keep them in their intended place.

  Tess held her hands together in her lap, where Courtney had put them, a lump forming in her throat. “Court?” She willed the woman to look at her, but was met with a curt yeah, while the woman stared through the windshield. “Will you look at me, please?”

  Courtney shook her head reluctantly. “I really need to get going, Tess.”

  Tess’s heart sank a little, but she was still hopeful. “Okay, well I’ll be quick then, if you look at me, just for a second.” When Courtney reluctantly turned her face to look at Tess’s, Tess saw the anger and the hurt in her eyes and her heart sank even more. I love you, she thought, but decided she didn’t want to say it, not here, not in Courtney’s car, not while she was looking at her the way that she was, and settled for something closer. “I want you, Courtney. I miss you. I want… us… to be an us.”

  Courtney willed herself to be harsh, telling herself she couldn’t ride the merry-go-round of emotions with Tess anymore. She wanted herself back. She snickered something close to a sarcastic laugh and looked at Tess. “Us? Together? Why?”

  Tess was instantly taken aback as she nodded in affirmation. She hadn’t expected the conversation to be pretty, but she hadn’t expected Courtney to be so cold either. “I—”

  “It would never work.” Courtney cut her off. “We are too different.”

  Tess’s brows furrowed, and her eyes met Courtney’s, willing the woman not to be so callous. “Why wouldn’t we work?” Tess bit out the last word, still studying Courtney’s face.

  Courtney shook her head and looked Tess directly in the eyes. “We don’t want the same things.”

  “What is it that you want, Courtney?”

  “Nothing.” Courtney’s eyes shot darts into Tess’s. “I like my life. I don’t want a relationship, especially not with someone who can’t decide who she wants one with.”

  Courtney’s words stung, but Tess knew she deserved them. The woman was hurt, and rightly so, but Tess’s irritation rose, regardless, with her cold words. “I know exactly who I want a relationship with.”

  Courtney rolled her eyes, fueling her anger with hurt and willing her anger to stay on top of her emotions. “I think that this went a different direction than either one of us had intended it to, and maybe it’s just best to make a clean break.”

  Tess shook her head. “You don’t mean that, Courtney and you can stop pretending to be this heartless badass. I know—”

  Courtney cut her off, her words biting. “I’m not pretending anything, Tess.” She shot the woman an indignant look before looking back through the windshield. “I don’t pretend to be someone or something I’m not. I am who I am, which is why we will never work. I’m not interested in crawling into a closet with you, Tess.” Courtney ground out the last of her words, knowing that they would strike a nerve.

  Tess took a deep breath, steadying both her voice and her nerves, which were both shaking so hard she was sure her body would vibrate the car. “I’m not asking you to crawl into a closet with me, Courtney, I’m just—”

  Courtney cut her off again. “Are you almost finished? I told you, I have a lot to do and I don’t see the point in having this conversation.”

  Tess swallowed the lump in her throat and willed her emotions to stay at bay. She was no longer aware whether the tears in the corners of her eyes were a product of nerves or anger. She met Courtney’s glare squarely and knew that Courtney was right. Today, this conversation wasn’t going to go anywhere. “Alright. If you change your mind, you know where to find me.” With that, she turned and got out of Courtney’s car.

  Courtney watched the woman walk across the parking lot and made sure her car was clearly out of view before she leaned forward, resting her forehead against her hands on the steering wheel. She wondered if she had done the right thing, and wondered what she was thinking. The woman had sat across her from her and said everything that she wanted to hear, and she had pushed her away. She doesn’t know what she wants, Courtney thought, reminding herself that just two weeks ago, Tess had been running to her ex. Accident or not, Tess had told her she needed time. You don’t tell someone that if you are just making sure someone is okay. Courtney didn’t want to be someone’s second choice.

  ~~

  Courtney was curled in the corner of her couch with a blanket wrapped around her and Jasper’s furry head in her lap when Chris came in. He sat the baby carry on the coffee table across from Courtney and sat on the coffee table next to it. Noticing his sister’s red-rimmed eyes, he sighed and unbuckled the infant, handing him over to sister. “Here, this one makes everything better.”

  Courtney smiled weakly at her brother, taking her nephew and kissing his forehead. She smiled again, more cheerfully this time when the infant cooed and reached for her chin. She nuzzled him close and closed her eyes for a minute, enjoying the infant’s smell.

  Chris stood and walked out of his sister’s reach, knowing that while his son may lessen the blow, it was still safer to be out of her reach. “You don’t have plans tonight, right?” When Courtney shot her brother a distasteful look, he turned his attention to the ceiling and continued. “I invited Dad to dinner tonight…here.” He watched as his sister’s face lit with a mixture of anger and disbelief.

  “Tonight? Are you kidding, Chris?” She looked around the house, trying to remember the last time her father had been here. “I don’t think Dad has been here since I bought the place!” Too ordinary. “Why, Chris? Why here, and why are you just telling me tonight? I can’t tonight. I can’t… damn!”

  Chris shrugged. “He needs to meet his grandson, and I thought a less formal situation was better.” When his sister simply closed her eyes and hugged the baby in defeat, Chris sat back on the coffee table across from her, judging that it was safe again. “This is where you tell me you’re proud of me for being a responsible adult.” When Courtney shot him a look, he frowned, studying his sister’s face. “She was here you know, while you were gone.”

  “Who?”

  Chris rolled his eyes at his sister’s attempt to show him that the woman he was speaking of was not the object of her thoughts. “I guess I have to make some calls.”

  “Hmmm?”

  “Nothing.” Chris reached for his son, laughed, and reached for him again when Courtney refused to give him up. “Dad will be here in two hours. and you look like hell.”

  Courtney’s eyes widened in disbelief. “Two hours?” She reluctantly handed the infant back to Chris and scanned another glance around her living room and back down at herself before deciding he
was right. “What are we going to feed him? Do we even have any good wine?”

  Chris shrugged dismissively and made faces at his son “I don’t know.”

  Courtney rolled her eyes, and content that she wasn’t going to phase her nephew, smacked her brother on the back of the head. “You’re an ass, Chris,” and made her way back the hall to get ready.

  An hour and three outfits later, Courtney heard her father’s car pull into the driveway, causing the hair to stand up on the back of her neck. She glanced at her brother calmly swaying his son back and forth, suddenly irritated with the sight of him. “How can you be so calm?” Courtney ground out her words in a fierce whisper as if her father could hear them from the driveway. “You haven’t even talked to him since you dropped out of school. He’s going to flip, Chris!” Her irritation only grew when her brother shrugged. “Damn!” she ground out and made her way to the front door when the doorbell chimed. “Bed, Jasper,” she said sharply when the chubby ball of fur made a clumsy dash for the door and frowned when he seemed to mope past her to the hall.

  She opened the door to her father and willed herself to smile, hoping she could get through the night and appreciating the fact that she had a cupboard stocked with wine that she might need later. “Hi, Dad.” She leaned forward to kiss his cheek and took a step back so he could come in. She watched as he slipped off his shoes and looked around the house decidedly.

  “Princess. You’ve changed a lot since I was here last. It suits you.”

  Courtney nodded, smiling nervously as she led her father into the living room, where her brother waited. She heard her father’s voice as they walked into the living room.

  “Chris, the prodigal son. You did decide to grace us with your presence this evening.” Her father’s tone was lighthearted, yet laced with sarcasm.

  “I’m the one that asked you to come tonight, Dad.”

  Courtney watched as her father shot Chris a glance that said he was still surprised that his son stood in front of him. “Have a seat, Dad, I’ll get some wine.” Courtney made her way to the kitchen and grabbed a bottle of the most expensive wine she had, frowning that she hadn’t kept something better in her stock. She grabbed two glasses and listened to the silence, wondering when the two men were going to speak. When she made her way back into the living room, they were both still silent, staring at each other. Chris was still swaying with the infant and her father was just staring at him…waiting. Courtney cleared her throat. “I hope this is alright, Dad, I’ve been out of town and haven’t had a chance to pick up anything else.”

  “I’m sure it’s fine, princess, you’ve always had great taste in wine.”

  Courtney poured him a glass and sat on the opposite side of the couch, waiting, like her father, for Chris to speak. She cleared her throat nervously and finally stood and motioned for Chris to hand her the baby. “Here, I’ll take him in the other room, and you two can talk.” She wasn’t sure how heated the living room was about to become, and since she didn’t want to be in the middle of it, she thought it best if she and her nephew went to the other room.

  Chris shook his head. “No thanks, sis.”

  He took two strides across the living room and handed the baby to his father, who made no motion to take the baby and instead just stared at his son, shock apparent on his weathered face. “What are you doing?”

  Chris stood firm, his arms outstretched with the baby. At his insistence, the older man reluctantly took the child and then shot his son a look, demanding the meaning of what was happening.

  “Meet your grandson. Carter William Anderson.” Chris took a step back and braced himself, as his sister did, for the backlash that was about to occur and prayed that the small infant in his father’s arms and his growing age would soften the blow. He watched in amazement as his father held the infant up with the grace of a grandfather and studied the baby’s features, a wide smile on his face.

  “My grandson?” He looked at Courtney for verification, and when she nodded, looked back at his son. “I guess congratulations are in order.” He stood, shifting the child into his left arm with a smoothness that surprised Courtney and offered his other hand to his son.

  Chris stared at his father, dumbfounded. He didn’t know what he had expected, but this was not it. He looked at his father’s outstretched hand and over to his son, You really do have magical baby powers, he thought as he regained his composure and reached his hand out to shake his father’s.

  William sat back down on the couch, turning the baby to get a good look at him. After a few seconds he looked up at his children, who were still standing, staring at their father in disbelief. “Are you two going to stand there gawking at me all night or are you going to sit down?”

  Courtney and Chris sat in unison.

  “And where is the mother of this new little Anderson boy?”

  Chris looked at his father pointedly and waited for the judgment that he was sure was going to follow. “Not in the picture.” He watched his father nod, trying to read his expression. “I have full custody.” When William glanced in Courtney’s direction, she nodded in agreement.

  “Chris has been doing everything on his own, Dad. He won’t even let me make a bottle.”

  Chris grinned at his sister and chuckled. “Not that you could if you wanted to, I don’t even think you know how.”

  Courtney opened her mouth, clearly insulted. “It isn’t rocket science, Chris, I think I could figure it out. You did.” Both startled when their father grunted in amusement, and Chris took his father’s good mood as a cue to continue.

  “I owe you an explanation, about school.” Chris sat up a little straighter and braced himself for the conversation. “I don’t have a good one. I had a lot going on, and I needed some time. Now, with Carter, I don’t know if I will be going back soon. I have a good business that brings in good money. I signed the lease on an apartment this morning, and I’m getting my life together. I’ll pay you back every cent that—”

  William held up his hand to stop his son. “I don’t want your money. I have enough of my own, but I would like you to consider something.” When Chris stopped talking and nodded, his father continued. “Come work for me.” When Chris balked, William shook his head. “Not because I don’t think you can’t make it on your own.” He nodded towards the sleeping baby. “Come work for me because I’m your father and I have a good company and you’re finally at a point that you are responsible enough to take over what was built for you.” At his son’s look of surprise, William smiled, something he rarely did. “Besides, with this little one, you will need good health insurance, life insurance, and so on. In fact, I’m not even asking you to come work for me. I’m asking you to come work with me.” When Chris didn’t speak, William handed his grandson back to his son. “Just think about it.” He gave Chris a look that said, for once, he was giving him a choice.

  Courtney watched the interaction between her father and brother in awe. She couldn’t remember a time past high school that the three had ever sat in the same room together in this way, joking, laughing, tension disappearing. It reminded her of the ease with which Tess’s family interacted, and she frowned, removing the woman from her mind.

  After they had finished dinner and were back in the living room, talking about the company, William turned his attention to his daughter. “Well, your brother has started his family, albeit a unique one, when are you going to start one of your own?”

  Courtney shot her father a sideways glance. “I’m happy just the way things are, Dad.”

  William shook his head at his daughter. “Someday you’re going to look back on this time and wish you had spent it with someone important to you.”

  “Ha!” Courtney sneered, “You raised us on your own, and you’ve been single our whole lives, Dad. It suits you, so why are you always so insistent for me to settle down? I’m enjoying my life.” Courtney lied through her teeth, realizing for the first time in months that she genuinely wasn’t happy anymore, an
d her mind flared with anger at Tess.

  William sat back and sighed deeply. “I am not single, princess, I have been married for your entire life.”

  Courtney gave her father another sideways glance. “You’re divorced, Dad, and mom doesn’t count, you haven’t seen her in years.”

  William took a deep breath and decided with the mood of the evening, tonight was as good of a night as ever to have this conversation with his children. “I am not divorced. I saw your mother last week. I see her every week. I have for the last twenty-four years visited her at least once, per week.”

  Courtney’s jaw dropped, and she looked at her brother for confirmation of what she had just heard, questioning whether or not he knew. When she saw a look of shock cross his face that she was sure mirrored her own, she turned her attention back to her father, what he said suddenly hitting her full force. “What do you mean visit?”

  William took another deep breath. “Your mother is in an institution. She has Schizophrenia. After what happened when you kids were younger, she was in and out of hospitals and tried to harm herself before I had her committed.”

  Courtney looked at her father in disbelief. “You never said anything… why?” She watched as her father shook his head, the first time in her life she thought he ever looked plagued by a decision.

  “I wanted you two to grow up as normal as possible. Even if you had gone to see her, she wouldn’t know you. She’s on so much medication, she barely knows me. I hope you’ll forgive me, I did what was best. I protected my children.”

  Chris looked down at his son. “Forgiven, Dad. Good riddance.” He watched his sister nod, but knew there was more on her mind than she was letting on.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE

  Courtney kept driving, having circled the bar now twice and not sure where she was heading. She had crawled in bed that night, after her father had left, and had felt something odd hit her hand under her pillow. When she pulled it out, she realized instantly what it was. Scrawled in crayon and taped together was a picture of three panda bears. Love, Ali was scrawled at the bottom in pink crayon. She had stared at the picture for nearly an hour before finally putting it on her night stand. She hadn’t slept that night, or the following night.