No Expectations

by Morgan Thomas

  “We can’t.”

  “What do you mean?”

  Tess sat up a little straighter and uncurled one of her legs to let her foot touch the ground. She took a deep breath of her own before she continued. “We can’t… go back to the way things were.”

  The realization hit Courtney so hard that Tess heard the sharp intake of breath. They slept together. Courtney lifted her hands, rubbing them roughly on her face. Her mind was racing, and she could feel the mixture of nausea and anger bubbling deep in the pit of her stomach. She started telling herself that she didn’t have the right to let the jealousy hit her before she decided that she was done being calm and she was done being rational. She stood and closed her eyes for a second to calm the words that wanted to rush from her mouth.

  Tess watched Courtney from the other end of the couch, realizing that it was the first time she had ever really seen the woman upset. It wasn’t like the deliberate coldness she had experienced in the car. She thought Courtney actually looked like she was going to come unhinged. She opened her mouth to speak, but thought of all the times Courtney had seen her frantic and frazzled and decided she wanted to enjoy this moment for just a second longer.

  “I was wrong, I don’t want to talk. You can let yourself out.”

  Tess sat on the edge of the couch in shock when she was met with the same deliberate coldness she had been met with in the car, the day they had met at the cafe. She watched, her own irritation growing as Courtney walked back down the hall. She heard the bedroom door latch and ran her hands through her hair before she stood. She walked into the kitchen and opened the cabinet above the island to pull out a bottle of wine, thinking that by the look on Courtney’s face, they were both going to need it before the night was through.

  Courtney leaned against the dresser in her bedroom, her heart aching. The thought of Tess lying in bed with someone else, the thought of someone else putting their hands on Tess… she could feel the nausea coming up again and cursed herself for letting it affect her the way it did. She started pacing, determined to get the image out of her mind. I need a drink. She jumped when there was a knock on the bedroom door. She glared at it, willing it not to open, but it did and a bottle of wine appeared, followed by Tess’s head, slowly, and then the rest of her.

  “I brought wine. Are you calm yet?”

  “Calm?” Courtney scoffed, rolling her eyes at Tess. “Don’t flatter yourself. I’m getting ready for bed.” She reached down to pull the blankets down on the bed and fluff one of her pillows. When she caught movement out of the corner of her eyes, she turned to see Tess lifting herself onto the dresser, poised, newly open wine bottle in hand. “Hey, remember when I said, you can see yourself out?” When Tess simply shrugged her shoulders and lifted the bottle of wine to her lips, Courtney threw the pillow onto the bed and nearly stomped her foot, but caught herself before exhibiting the childlike tantrum moment. “That is not out!”

  Tess swallowed the wine she had in her mouth, enjoying the fact that it was in the cupboard. She knew it wasn’t one of Courtney’s favorites, but she bought it, because it was one of the few that Tess liked. “Go ahead, get it out. Throw it on the floor next time, it’s more satisfying if you throw it somewhere it isn’t supposed to be. It’s not badass if you throw it back on the bed.” She smirked at the indignant look that crossed Courtney’s face.

  “Get out, Tess. Just go. I’m trying to be an adult here. I’m trying to be calm and realistic, but I’m not going to do that for much longer if you continue to sit there, swinging your legs like a teenager and smirking like this is some amusing god-damned game!”

  Tess stopped swinging her legs, not realizing she had been doing it to begin with and replaced the smirk with an exaggerated, questioning look. “So you’re angry, then?”

  “Are you kidding?!” Courtney picked up the pillow again and dug her fingers into the soft cotton. “Am I angry? Is that some kind of joke? You took off! You took off and… damn!” She threw the pillow back on the bed and shoved her hands into her pockets. “No. I’m not doing this. You need to go, Tess.”

  “Uh uh.”

  Courtney watched in disbelief as Tess shook her head no and took another sip from the bottle of wine before motioning towards the pillow.

  “I told you to throw it at the floor next time, not back on the bed.”

  Courtney pulled her hands out of her pockets and threw them in the air. “You want to do this? Fine! You sent me a text message, Tess! A text message, and then you disappeared! Really?” Courtney motioned towards Tess’s swinging legs, well aware that she was on the verge of shouting and not caring that her voice had reached that level. “Are you in high school?! You couldn’t even say it to my face, or answer my call? You just waltz back to your ex and out of my life, and now, all of a sudden you decide… what? You decide what? What do you want, Tess?”

  “You.”

  The single word hit Courtney low, causing her breath to catch. “You can’t just… you can’t just,” she took a deep breath to steady her stuttering voice and let it out slowly. When Tess lifted the bottle of wine to take another sip, another bout of anger hit her, and she took three steps forward to snatch the bottle out of the woman’s hands.

  “Stop drinking my wine!” This time she did stomp her foot, and she didn’t care. She slammed the bottle on the dresser next to Tess and then, changing her mind, she picked it back up again and lifted it to her own lips. She took two long drinks before she looked at the bottle, peeved that Tess had found the one that she had specifically picked up for her.

  “I’m glad you’re so damn amused!”

  “That’s it? Are you sure you don’t want to throw the pillow?”

  “Damnit!” Courtney took another drink of the wine before wiping the back of her hand across her mouth and turning her anger at Tess. “Did you sleep with her? You did, didn’t you? Never mind, I don’t want to know.” She slammed the bottle of wine onto the dresser and turned, pacing to the bathroom and back again.

  Tess watched Courtney pace, mildly amused that the woman didn’t seem to know what to do with her anger. I can deal with yelling, I can deal with throwing things… what the hell do I do with someone who doesn’t know how to be angry? She used her hands to lift herself slightly off the dresser and lower her feet to the ground. She couldn’t stop thinking about how beautiful Courtney looked, her eyes lit with anger, and hoped that tonight ended well. “You’re beautiful when you’re angry.”

  “I’m not angry.” Courtney ground the words out, having calmed herself down enough to lower her voice. “I just want to go to bed.” She looked up at Tess, her anger simmering. “Unfortunately, someone won’t leave. So why don’t you tell me what it is that you want.”

  “You.” Tess took a step towards Courtney, but stopped when the woman held up her hand and turned to look at the ground.

  “Don’t.”

  Tess clasped her hands together to stop herself from reaching for Courtney and told herself that she needed to let the woman process. “I didn’t sleep with her.” When Courtney’s head snapped up, she saw the glistening in her eyes and had to fight the urge to unclasp her hands and tangle them in Courtney’s hair. “Nothing happened between Hillary and me.”

  When Courtney didn’t say anything, Tess sighed again, unclasped her hands, and made her way back to the dresser. She contemplated taking another drink of the wine before changing her mind and lifting herself back up to sit, and wait. She watched as Courtney seemed to mull over what she had said. “Do you believe me?”

  “Does it matter?”

  For the first time since Courtney had let her through the door, Tess feared that this night was not going to end how she wanted it to. “Yeah, it matters.” She watched Courtney pick at the edge of her jeans pocket and found herself biting her own lip. “Do you believe me?”

  Courtney looked up at her, not sure what to do with the raging emotions in her head, her words coming out with more bite than intended. “It doesn’t matter if I
believe you, Tess.”

  “Yes, it does.”

  “It didn’t matter what I thought when you texted me, did it? It didn’t matter what I thought when you didn’t answer my call! So why does it matter now, Tess?” Courtney had raised her voice more than she had intended, and she was getting irritated with the apparent nondirection that the conversation was taking. She was more irritated by the fact that Tess seemed unaffected while she felt like breaking something. I’m going to suffocate in this room with her. “Fine. I believe you, not that it matters. If you won’t leave, then I will.”

  She had taken three steps towards the door when Tess hopped off the dresser in front of her, causing her to stop before she nearly plowed her over. Though they were inches apart, Courtney told herself she wasn’t backing away. She wasn’t going to show Tess that this was affecting her the way that it was.

  “No. You don’t get to walk out.” This time, Tess didn’t clasp her hands together and instead, reached up to push a tendril of dark hair away from Courtney’s face.

  “Um, yes, I do.” Courtney tried to step around Tess, her back instantly up with pride that nearly fizzled when Tess snaked an arm around her waist, preventing her from taking another step. Though her entire body tingled at the way Tess’s fingertips brushed her hip, she was not going to be told what to do, and she was not going to give in to whatever this was. “Move, Tess. I don’t know what the point of this is, but stop.”

  Tess’s stomach was churning with nerves, and she squeezed Courtney’s hip lightly before sidestepping so she stood in front of her. No more processing. She leaned in until her nose grazed Courtney’s and she could feel her breath on her lips. She felt Courtney stiffen the moment she had leaned in, but planted herself where she stood anyways, her own voice raising before she calmed it. “You’re angry? Good! That means this matters! This is the point, Court. Right here.” She leaned slightly so she could rub the end of her nose against Courtney’s and slid both hands behind Courtney’s back to pull her close. “This is why it matters. So if you want to be angry, walk your ass over there,” she glanced at the other side of the room, “and be angry, and then when you’re finished, we’ll work it out.”

  Courtney’s heart was racing. It was difficult to pretend Tess wasn’t having an effect on her from half way across the room. When they were standing inches apart and she could feel Tess’s breath on her lips, it was impossible. “I don’t care,” she whispered, her body on fire, “you win, I don’t care.” She barely uttered the last word before meeting Tess’s lips with her own. Within seconds she had her hands tangled in Tess’s hair and their bodies were pressed close. When she started pulling Tess towards the bed, however, she came up short.

  Tess took a step back, breathless and willed her mind to clear. “No,” she croaked, trying to find her voice while holding Courtney at arm’s length. “I need to know if you believe me, if you trust me.” When Courtney rolled her eyes, Tess reached over and laid her palm on Courtney’s face, lifting her chin until their eyes met. “I need to know.”

  Courtney looked into Tess’s face and knew the woman was telling the truth. She had known from the moment Tess had uttered the words, but hadn’t wanted to give her the satisfaction of telling her what she wanted to hear. “Why does it matter, Tess? No expectations, right?” Courtney smirked and turned Tess’s hand to kiss it before reaching for the woman. She frowned when Tess took a step back, not liking the hurt look on her face. She took a deep breath. “Tell me again.”

  “Nothing happened.”

  “Okay. I believe you. Can we be done talking now? Why is it so important?”

  Tess looked at Courtney skeptically, studying her face to see if she was telling the truth. Satisfied that she was, she took another deep breath. “It’s important because I’m in love with you.”

  Courtney’s breath had hitched at Tess’s statement. She dropped her hands to her side and then slid them in her pockets, not sure what to do with herself or the way that Tess was looking at her.

  Tess ran her hands through her hair and stopped, resting them on the back of her head before letting them slide down slowly. “I need you to believe me because I’m in love with you, and in order for us to work, I need you to trust me.”

  “For us to work?”

  “Mmmmhmmm.” Tess murmured. “I have expectations. I have big expectations.”

  Courtney watched as Tess fidgeted with her hair and nearly grinned through her own nerves, thinking, this is the Tess I know, the Tess that spends twenty-four hours a day in a constant state of frazzle.

  “I’m sorry that I handled things the way that I did, but nothing happened between Hillary and I. Nothing has happened with anyone, nor have I thought about anyone since the moment we met. I need you to believe that. I tried to be casual… no strings attached, but…this is your fault, you made me love you, so if you don’t want me… well that’s just too bad.”

  Tess was wringing her hands now and stumbling for words, wishing that Courtney would say something, anything and let her off the hook. “I miss you. Ali misses you. I look at my phone a hundred times a day, willing it to go off, willing you to talk to me. I’d say I don’t like waking up alone, but you are always out of bed before me, and it sounds selfish to say I don’t like waking up without coffee.” Tess nearly laughed through her nerves and stopped to take a breath. Her heart nearly flipped when Courtney walked past her, and she found herself praying that it wasn’t out the door.

  Courtney pulled open the drawer to her nightstand and pulled out the picture that she had found in her bed the night she got home from San Antonio and handed it to Tess. “This was in my bed when I got home. I miss that little squirt.”

  Tess smiled at the crayon picture, as a tear escaped and streamed down her cheek as she realized where her daughter had been while she was talking to Chris. “I didn’t know she did this. You miss her, huh?” Tess’s heart warmed at the admission.

  “Big expectations, huh?” Courtney shook her head in amusement. “Define big.”

  Tess nodded. “You and me, together. Oh and this whole out-of- town thing…that isn’t going to work for me. I am not spending two weeks out of every month without my girlfriend.”

  Courtney raised her eyebrows. “Girlfriend?”

  Tess nodded again, “Yeah, and you have to tell me you love me, and buy me flowers and stalk me with love notes.”

  “I love you.”

  Tess stood with her mouth open, not remembering what she had been attempting to say when Courtney had spoken. Courtney had instantly given her butterflies, and she couldn’t help but smile idiotically at what the woman had said. “You do?”

  “I do.”

  When she noticed the look on Tess’s face, she nearly choked on her own words. “…love you. I do… love you…”

  Tess smiled widely and reached for Courtney, pulling her close. “I don’t know, I think that sounded pretty good coming out of your mouth.” She chuckled at the stark whiteness of Courtney’s face.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE

  Brad tripped on the steps to the front porch with one of Courtney’s boxes and swore at the women standing five feet away from him. “You know if you spent more time carrying boxes in and less time painting each other’s nails, we would probably be done by now.” He grunted on his way through the front door and glanced at the writing on the box before depositing it on the living room floor next to the eight other boxes he had already brought in. He made his way back out the front door and glared at the mother of his child who was absently pushing boxes around the back of the U-Haul, but flashed a toothy smile in Courtney’s direction as she brushed past him with a box.

  “Sure you don’t want to put these back in the truck and take them over to my place, doll face?”

  “Shhh,” Courtney spoke to Brad in a dramatically hushed whisper, “she’ll find out about us, and you know how she gets. She’ll want you for herself.”

  Brad sighed when Courtney winked at him and continued into the hous
e. He looked down at himself, “Damn I look good today.” He hopped into the back of the truck with Tess, who continued to absently poke at boxes.

  “Why don’t you actually do something useful?” He laughed when Tess threw her head back dramatically and whined.

  “But everything is so heavy, and I’m tired,” she pouted. “I worked last night.”

  Brad opened his mouth to tease her again when she suddenly perked up and jumped out of the truck.

  “Baby!”

  Brad turned his head in time to see Chris pull into the driveway behind his Range Rover and shook his head when Tess climbed in the back seat before it looked like the car was even in park. He lifted another box and shook his head when Courtney reappeared in the doorway. “You know you’re in trouble, right?”

  “Hmm?” Courtney looked in the direction that Brad motioned and saw Tess swaying in the driveway with her nephew. She smiled at the inaudible cooing that was coming out of her girlfriend’s mouth.

  “How long do you think it will be before she starts bugging you for one of those?”

  Courtney’s smile melted as she thought about what Brad had said, the thought of having a baby terrifying her. She was just getting used to holding Carter without being petrified of breaking him. She thought of how proud she was of herself the prior week when she actually stood with the infant and walked to the kitchen and back without breaking him.

  Tess stopped on the porch with the infant to kiss Courtney quickly before taking him in to show him off to her sister. She’s a natural. Courtney watched her walk into the house, her terror subsiding before she climbed back into the truck for another box. “She’s great with him. Eventually… we’ll have one.” Courtney reached to take the box Brad was handing her, satisfied with her answer, until Brad broke out in a loud, throaty laugh.