Hungry For Love

by Louise Lyons

  “Yes. You?”

  “I live with my mum and my younger brother. Nick’s still at school; he’s fourteen.”

  “How old are you?”

  “Twenty-three.”

  “Me too.” I grinned at him. “How long have you worked at the Gym?”

  “Only since it took over from Fitness First. I had a job at Bannatyne’s; you know the gym in Werrington? It was good, but when the Gym advertised for staff I thought I’d try for it. I can walk to work so it saves on transport. I like it much better.”

  “Did you have to go to uni to be a trainer?” I was surprised I could find things to say. I often became tongue-tied around attractive men, but Luke had been so nice to me at the gym, and having found him in such an awful state, I felt more confident than usual.

  “Yes, I’ve got a degree in sports science. I’ve only been working for two years, but I love it. Mostly I just do what you see me doing, but I’m qualified to teach aerobics classes too, and swimming lessons. There’s a pool at Bannatyne’s and that was one of the things I liked best when I was there.”

  “You won’t catch me doing aerobics or swimming!” I snorted and Luke smiled.

  “You might surprise yourself one day.”

  “Well, I’ve got a long way to go.” I looked down at myself ruefully.

  “You shouldn’t put yourself down. You’re making an effort to change things. That’s a good thing and you seem to be doing really well so far.”

  “You’re just being nice.” My self-loathing resurfaced and I avoided looking at him. How did this turn from me helping him after he was attacked, to him trying to reassure me?

  “No, I’m being honest.”

  I lifted my head again and found him studying me over the rim of his mug, blue eyes serious.

  “Well, thanks. I am trying. Can you excuse me for a few minutes? I really need to clean up properly.” I could smell myself even with the fleece still on. “Unless you need to rush off.”

  “No.” Luke shook his head and sipped his tea. Leaving the kitchen in relief, I grabbed some clean clothes from my bedroom and took the fastest shower in history. I felt much better by the time I’d sprayed myself liberally with deodorant, added a splash of cologne, and put on a clean striped shirt with my jeans. I knew I didn’t look nice—I was never going to look nice unless I lost about a quarter of my body weight—but at least I looked the best I could.

  I found Luke standing in the middle of my living room, looking at my collection of CDs and DVDs. When I opened my mouth to ask if he wanted anything, my stomach growled loudly.

  “Oh! Shit. I’m starving,” I admitted. “I’m going to make something to eat. Do you want anything?”

  “No, I’m not hungry. Thanks, anyway. I should get out of your way.” Luke looked at the door as if he couldn’t wait to leave.

  “You’re not in my way. But I’m sure you’ve got better things to be doing. Will you be all right walking home?”

  “Yes, fine. Thanks, Sam,” Luke repeated.

  “Oh, I didn’t really do anything.” I shrugged off his thanks and he gave me one of his beautiful smiles. Following him to the door, I waited while he put on his muddy shoes and picked up his rucksack.

  “I’ll see you, whenever you’re next at the gym.” He glanced up at me as he pulled the door open and I smiled back.

  “Yes, I’ll be there every week day from now on. I’ll be there tomorrow.”

  He nodded and I watched him trot down the stairs and let himself out of the building. Then I closed the door and went to prepare a meal. I felt wistful as I sliced and chopped. Luke was gay, but there wasn’t a chance in hell he would want me. However nice he was, it was just that. He was a nice man. It wouldn’t have mattered if I’d launched myself at his attackers, sent them flying, and got his phone back. Being a hero wouldn’t help him see past the way I looked. But maybe in a few months.

  FRIDAY WAS my last session at the gym for the week. When I’d joined, I decided to go religiously every week day—except for Wednesday when everything had ached too much—and do what I usually did on the weekends. I followed my usual plan at Friday’s session, with rowing now being the second activity, and my total workout time crept up to almost forty minutes.

  This time I’d brought a change of clothes, towel, and toiletries with me, and I braved the showers for the first time. I undressed cautiously and covered up as best I could with the huge bath towel I’d brought. I looked furtively around, certain the other four men in the room would sneer at my fat ass, but no one gave me a second glance. All concentrated on what they were doing. One man of almost my size wandered naked to the showers with his towel in his hand, apparently unconcerned about whether anyone looked at his jiggling flesh. Shrugging, I secured the towel firmly around my waist and made my way to one of the vacant showers. No one seemed to care what I looked like. So long as Luke never got to see me uncovered.

  I spent a few minutes in the shower, soaping myself under the hot spray. After I’d rinsed I stood there with my eyes closed, thinking about the little chats I’d had with Luke throughout my workout. He’d spent a couple of minutes with me while I pedaled and thanked me again for helping him. His lip looked sore, but otherwise he seemed fine. He’d told me his mother was predictably furious about his carelessness with the phone. Their house insurance policy covered it, but she’d insisted he pay the excess on the claim they had to make for its replacement.

  When I’d walked on the treadmill I’d chatted to Tom, who continued to bemoan the endless salads his wife made him eat. He’d told me conspiratorially that he intended to grab some fish and chips on his way home that night, as his wife was going out with a friend. Then when I’d worked on the cross trainer, Luke had appeared again and told me he planned to take his brother to a football match on Saturday, but that he had to work on Sunday—an early shift starting at six in the morning. He had to work mornings the whole of the next week, and would have finished by the time I arrived for my evening sessions.

  I sighed heavily as I turned the water off, and wrapped my towel around myself again. I’d miss seeing him, but I knew I was being silly to let myself like him so much. He chatted to everyone—it was his job. He routinely made his way around the runners, cyclists, and rowers, and those on the weight machines, checking if they needed help or advice and generally being friendly. Just because he spent a few minutes with me on two separate occasions and was grateful I’d picked him up and made him a cup of tea, didn’t mean anything. I told myself that over and over as I dressed again and went to catch the bus home. I needed to stop daydreaming.

  Chapter Three

  The following week crawled by. I was angry with myself for lapsing on Saturday night and getting a Chinese takeaway. I’d been full of good intentions when I looked through the menu, trying to pick out some options that wouldn’t be too bad for me. But when I called the restaurant I’d ordered my favorites—a large portion of special fried rice, deep fried chicken balls with sweet and sour sauce, spring rolls, and a huge bag of prawn crackers. I’d gobbled the lot, washed down by several beers, and then spent the rest of the weekend cursing myself and wondering how far I’d set myself back.

  During that week I increased my workout sessions to forty-five minutes, and on two of the days I walked home from the gym. I didn’t miss a day, even on Wednesday when my legs ached so much it was a struggle to get up the stairs to my apartment. Strangely, I noticed the struggle was the stiffness and that I didn’t feel particularly breathless from the short climb. The gym had to be doing me some good, and Jamie had spoken to me a couple of times and told me he thought I was getting on well.

  My appointment with the doctor was on Friday, and I went straight there from the gym with my hair still wet from the shower. I didn’t miss the appraising look Dr. Maddock gave me before I sat down and slid out of my fleece jacket so he could take my blood pressure. He noted there was an improvement and tapped something into his computer, then invited me to stand on the weighing scales.
It was the part I’d been dreading. I’d convinced myself the efforts I’d made hadn’t been enough; that I hadn’t tried hard enough, and the Chinese takeaway had undone all the hard work from the first week. I didn’t look down at the digital display, but stared straight ahead at the wall until the doctor spoke.

  “Well done, Sam. You’ve clearly been working hard.”

  “I beg your pardon?” I stepped off the scales and looked at him in surprise.

  “You’ve lost fifteen pounds.”

  “Huh?”

  Dr. Maddock smiled. “You’ve lost fifteen pounds. That’s a wonderful result in just two weeks. I assume you took my advice?”

  “Yes, I go to the gym every weekday. I’ve been eating healthier meals most of the time, too. I had a Chinese takeaway last weekend though,” I admitted guiltily.

  “There’s nothing wrong with a treat now and then. As long as you adopt a healthier eating regime in general, there’s nothing to stop you enjoying a takeaway, or a meal out sometimes. We all do that. Are you enjoying the gym?”

  “Yes!” I was surprised by my enthusiasm. I’d enjoyed it less in the second week, but that was mostly due to the absence of Luke. I only had to get through the weekend and I’d see him again. Telling myself to stop dreaming about him hadn’t had much effect.

  Dr. Maddock chuckled. “Well, that’s good. Carry on the way you are and make another appointment to see me in six weeks.”

  Somewhat stunned, I left the surgery. Fifteen pounds? I needed to lose about seventy pounds in total which still wouldn’t make me slender, but at least I could carry it with being six feet tall. I made the next appointment for the middle of June, then headed home.

  I didn’t feel any different except for being less breathless. My clothes didn’t feel looser and I still couldn’t see my dick. However, it encouraged me to keep going. I decided an extra session at the gym on Sunday would be a good idea. I didn’t know if Luke would be working, but if he’d had a day off in the middle of the week, I thought there was a good chance he would be.

  On Sunday morning, a couple of hours after my breakfast of porridge, raisins, and sliced banana, I donned my shabby workout gear and took the bus to the gym. I thought I should probably buy a decent pair of jogging bottoms and a couple of new moisture-wicking tops, and I could do with new running shoes too. I’d always hated shopping, particularly for trousers. When I’d had to look for outsize items it had brought home to me how big I was, but I’d continued to bury my head in the sand and shovel pastries and cakes down my neck. At least I was on the right track now. Maybe some new clothes would make me feel even better.

  Luke didn’t appear to be at the gym, so I settled into my usual routine. I was more disappointed than I cared to admit, and once again I told myself not to be so stupid. I could only look at him from afar, and several times now he’d crept into my fantasies when I lay alone at night. His firm, slender body and pretty face gave me great wanking material.

  Increasing the pace on my treadmill, I pounded the machine at an awkward jog in my efforts to push him out of my mind. I panted and sweated, amazed when I was able to shuffle-run for four minutes before I had to slow it to a walk. I carried on for five more minutes, repeatedly wiping my forehead on the sleeve of my T-shirt. Taking a short break, I drank some water before I moved to the cross trainer. I’d almost reached the end of my forty-five minutes. I did a ten-minute stint on the last machine, then finished my water as I made my way to the changing rooms.

  “Whoa!” Luke skidded to a stop at the bottom of the stairs leading to the upper level, narrowly missing crashing into me. “Sorry, Sam.” He brushed his hair out of his eyes and laughed, his cheeks pink.

  “Hi, Luke.” I beamed at him and my heart, already pounding from the exercise, sped up even more. “I didn’t think you were here today.”

  “I was upstairs instructing a spinning class. I don’t often work Sundays. Last week was the first in ages, but they called me in today to cover the usual trainer. She’s off sick.”

  “Oh. It’s normally your day off then?”

  “Yes, I get one day off in the week, which varies, and then most Sundays. I work virtually every Saturday and they don’t make anyone work all weekend unless they’re stuck.”

  I bit my tongue before I could blurt out that I’d missed him when he was on his early shift. I tried to think of something else to say and found myself tongue-tied.

  “How was your workout?” Luke’s question saved me from standing there like a fool, speechless.

  “Pretty good. I even ran for four minutes on the treadmill. Well, you wouldn’t call it running. More of a shuffle really, but faster than walking.”

  “That’s great. You look good.”

  “I’m disgusting and sweaty, and my face is probably purple.” I chuckled.

  “I meant you look pleased with yourself, and your face is thinner.”

  “Is it?” I touched my damp face, unable to feel any difference. “Well, I had my doctor’s appointment on Friday and he said I was doing better. I lost fifteen pounds in two weeks.” I hadn’t anyone else to tell besides him. I didn’t talk about my weight problems at work and I rarely saw my parents, who’d never got over me coming out when I was eighteen. The last time I’d visited them, I’d seen the shock in their eyes at my appearance, although they hadn’t voiced it. Luke was all there was, but I felt silly boasting to him about losing fifteen pounds off my two hundred sixty, when he probably weighed something like one forty soaking wet. He didn’t seem to think it was silly and he grinned back at me.

  “That’s brilliant, well done! You must be really pleased. You should be. I’ve seen how hard you work here.”

  “Thanks. How have you been? Did you get your phone sorted out?”

  “I’m okay.” Luke’s smile faded a little. “The insurance replaced my phone. My mum was fuming for a while. You’d think I was my brother’s age, from the way she ranted about it.”

  “What are you doing now? Any more classes?” My racing heart slammed against my ribs. Was I really going to ask him to have coffee with me? It was spur of the moment and I was about ninety-nine percent sure he’d rebuff me, but we were chatting like friends, so maybe…

  “I’ve got a break for half an hour. Then I’m on the main floor as usual.”

  “Do you want to grab a coffee in the cafeteria?” I asked quickly before I could think about it too much. “After I’ve had a shower, I mean.”

  “Um…” His eyes widened. Shit. “Sure, okay. I was going to go there to get a snack. I was up early, and I missed breakfast.”

  I fought against the urge to jump up and down and gave him what I hoped was a friendly grin, rather than an over-the-top, ear-to-ear Cheshire cat smile. “Give me five minutes. I’ll meet you in there.”

  I charged into the changing rooms, fumbled my locker open with shaking hands, and grabbed my towel and toiletries. I peeled off my sweaty clothes and strode to the showers, towel in hand. For the first time I was unconcerned that I was stark naked in front of three other men, who were in the process of dressing or undressing. One raised his head and gave me a fleeting glance, but his expression didn’t change.

  I scrubbed myself from head to foot, dried off at top speed, and hurried back to my locker. Scrambling into the jeans and T-shirt I’d brought to change into, I decided I needed a complete shopping spree. My casual clothes were just as worn out as the ones I used for my exercise. It had been a couple of years since I’d bought anything new.

  I slipped my feet into my shoes, shoved everything into my rucksack, and made my way to the cafeteria. Luke sat at a table, fiddling with a phone. I took a deep breath, put a pleasant smile on my face, and walked slowly to his table. He glanced up and placed the new iPhone on the table top.

  “That was quick.”

  “I didn’t want to hold you up if you’ve only got half an hour. Shall I get coffees or something?”

  “I’ll get them. The staff don’t have to pay.” Luke grinned and got up
. He took two steps away from the table before he turned back, snatched up his phone, and put it in his pocket. “Typical of me. It’s hardly surprising I lost the first one. If those twats hadn’t stolen it, I’d probably have left it somewhere. I’d lose my head if it wasn’t attached to my neck.” He laughed quietly. “I didn’t ask if you want anything to eat. I’m going to get a cereal bar and fruit.”

  “Oh, no, I’m fine. Just a coffee, please.” I doubted I’d be able to eat anything, even though I was hungry. My mouth went dry as I thought of sitting across the table from him trying to make conversation. I hadn’t had any trouble after he’d been attacked, but this seemed more like… It’s not a date. It’s coffee between friends.

  Sighing, I leaned back in the chair and waited for Luke to return. He brought a small tray holding two mugs of coffee, a cereal bar, and an apple.

  “I got flat white. I hope that’s okay.” Luke placed one of the mugs in front of me.

  “Great, thank you.” There were little sachets of sugar in a pot in the middle of the table, but I ignored them. I’d stopped putting sugar in my coffee and tea two weeks ago. It had taken me until now to get used to the bitter taste, but I thought it was worth it. I had at least four hot drinks each day and that had amounted to a lot of sugar.

  Luke tore open the wrapper on the cereal bar and bit into it. I sipped my coffee and tried to think of something to say to him. I’d asked him questions before and he’d told me about his job, and that he lived with his mum and his brother Nick. What could I ask now? Do you have a boyfriend? Hell, no! My face flushed and I stared down at the table. Say something.

  “What do you do for a living?” Luke mumbled around another mouthful of oats and nuts, saving me the embarrassment of having nothing at all to say.

  “Um, I work in Belinda’s Bakery in town. I’m the assistant manager.”

  “Cool.”

  “Not really. I like the job, but it’s a temptation, all day every day. Eating their pastries and cakes for lunch and taking home leftovers helped make me look like this.” I grimaced. “I don’t do that anymore.”