by Louise Lyons
“Hi,” I greeted.
“Hi, Sam.” He met my eyes briefly, then looked down, probably at my fat stomach which had to have grown a couple of inches since he’d last seen me.
“What did you want to talk about?”
“I haven’t seen you at the gym this week. I was worried in case you were sick or something.”
“Right. You didn’t think I might have just gone at a different time?”
“The computer says you haven’t checked in.”
“Oh.” Of course it does. Dickhead.
“May I come in?”
I realized I was blocking the doorway and he was still out on the landing, shuffling his feet awkwardly and glancing around him as if he expected one of my neighbors to appear and listen in.
“Yeah. Come in.” I stepped out of the way and he walked past me into the living room. I closed the door and followed, knowing the first thing he would see was the giant empty pizza box on the coffee table. He’d think I was a complete pig. But he probably thought that anyway.
“So, you weren’t sick, then.”
“No. I just didn’t feel like showing up there after I’d made a twat of myself asking you out,” I admitted.
“You didn’t.”
“But you said no, which I should have expected. Why would you want to go out with someone three times your size?” I looked down at myself sadly, then back up at him. He stared at the pizza box. “It was my Saturday treat.” I sounded defensive and I took a step away from him, folding my arms across my chest.
“It’s not that. The reason I said no. Please don’t think that.”
I sighed heavily. “Don’t try to make me feel better, Luke. I know what I look like.”
“I like the way you look.”
“Don’t make me laugh!” I snapped. “Look at me! Maybe in a few more months I might look somewhere close to where I want to be. I should have kept my stupid mouth shut. I was too full of myself after I saw the doctor and found out I’d lost another twenty-three pounds.”
“That’s fantastic,” Luke said softly.
“Yeah. Well, I probably ruined it this week.”
“I’m really sorry, Sam.” Luke lifted a hand and tugged it through his hair. His fringe was getting too long and he could barely see through it unless he brushed it aside. I wanted to know what his hair felt like. It looked like silk. “I would have said yes if—”
“If you wouldn’t be embarrassed to be seen with me,” I interrupted bitterly.
“Will you stop and listen for a minute? I’m still, um, I’m scared to get close to someone else, after my dickhead of an ex fucked me up. That’s the only reason I said no. I like you, Sam, I do. I just… I don’t want to get hurt again.”
My heart lifted at his words and I mentally stamped it down. He hadn’t changed his mind and unless he did, they were just words. I found it difficult to believe he could feel anything other than pity. I opened my mouth to let him off the hook and tell him it was okay; that I understood. But my tongue had other ideas and began to flap away as it often did.
“I wouldn’t hurt you. I’ve been there too, remember? Maybe not exactly the same, but I know what it’s like to be made to feel like shit over and over. To be put down and made to feel worthless. I hardly know you, not really. But I think you’re amazing. I wouldn’t hurt one hair on your head, physically or mentally.” I came to a stop and tried to ignore the burning in my cheeks as I waited for him to respond.
“I think I knew that. It took me a little time to make myself believe it, though.”
“Why are you here, really?”
“I missed you. I thought… I hoped we could try this again. Unless I burned my bridges last week.”
“Are you saying you want to go out with me after all?” My heart hammered against my ribs. He couldn’t possibly mean that, could he?
“Yes.”
“Really?”
“Yes.”
I swallowed and tried to convince myself he wasn’t just trying to make me feel better. My racing heart lurched in my chest and my stomach fluttered with nervous excitement. “We can always just hang out here if you want. I mean, we don’t have to go anywhere in public.” It sounded stupid even to my own ears, but I couldn’t imagine he’d want to be seen with me. I wouldn’t want to be seen with me, especially not after the last week’s endless binge.
“I don’t want to hang out here. I want to go out on a date, like you asked me to last week. To a restaurant maybe?”
“Really?” I repeated foolishly.
“Yes. How many times do you want me to say it? Yes, yes, yes. What’s your favorite thing to eat?”
“Not pizza.” I grimaced as I glanced at the box again. “Anywhere I can avoid eating the crap I’ve been stuffing myself with all week.”
“Do you like Indian? The Bombay Brasserie’s supposed to be really good. We can make good choices. Boiled rice, tomato-based dishes, and skip the naan bread?” Luke grinned up at me. “I don’t like naan bread much anyway, especially that horrible sweet one.”
“That sounds great.”
“I’m on the early shift again next week and my day off is Friday. Is Friday okay for you?”
“Friday’s great.” It was six days away, which gave me time to start making a dent in the damage I’d done. “I’ll be back at the gym, so could we say eight o’clock? Is that too late?”
“No, eight is okay.”
“I don’t have a car. We’ll have to go on the bus or get a taxi.”
“The bus is fine.” Luke smiled again. “I can walk over here and meet you and then we’ll get the bus into town.”
“Okay. Great.” Finally I beamed back at him. I could barely believe it—I had a date with him. But I still struggled with my confidence and if we wouldn’t see each other at the gym during the week, I wanted to give him an escape route. “I’ll give you my phone number. Just in case you change your mind or something.”
“I already have your number, Sam. I got it from the gym records. Don’t tell my boss.” He flushed and shrugged. “But I’m not going to change my mind. Where’s your phone? I’ll give you my number. You can call me or text anytime you want.”
I reached into my pockets, then remembered my phone was plugged into the charger next to the TV. I grabbed it and opened up a new contact. “I don’t know your last name,” I admitted.
“Walker.”
I glanced up at him. “Luke Walker? Really?”
“Yeah, yeah. I used to get Skywalker at school all the time.” He chuckled. “My mum’s a massive Star Wars fan.”
I grinned as I typed in his name and the number he recited to me. I sent him a one-word text to check it, and he pulled his phone out of his pocket when it beeped.
“Hello back,” he teased. “I’d better go. I’m taking my brother to see a film tonight. He wants to see X-Men. Not really my thing, but Mum won’t let him go over to Boongate on his own.”
“What type of films do you like?”
“Comedy; horror; even romance so long as it’s not too cheesy.”
“Me too. I’m not mad on horror films, but comedy and romance, yes. I cried over The Notebook.”
“Oh God, me too! Nick told me I was a big girl. I love my brother.” He pulled a face as he walked to the door. “Have a good week. Ryan or Jamie will look after you at the gym and I’ll see you on Friday.”
“Yeah, see you soon.”
I waited until the door closed behind him before I allowed myself the Cheshire cat grin which threatened to explode onto my face.
I have a date with Luke! He actually likes me! Oh my God!
I repeated those words over and over in my head for the remainder of the evening, still wondering whether I was going to wake up and discover it was all a dream.
Chapter Five
I FACED the week with renewed resolve. I started with an extra session in the gym on Sunday afternoon, then went religiously after work every day. Shoving the unhealthy frozen foods I’d bought int
o the bottom drawer of the freezer, I gobbled fruit, vegetables, and lean meat as if they were going out of fashion. I knew I wouldn’t lose what I’d gained in just six days—fat always takes three times as long to come off as it does to go on—but I made a dent in it. By Friday morning I could get my new trousers fastened without breathing in although they were still a bit tight.
I spent my Friday gym session on the weights again. I’d done cardio all week and walked home after each workout. I felt much better than I had the previous weekend, both physically and mentally. I’d even plucked up the courage to text Luke on Wednesday and tell him I could run for fifteen minutes on the treadmill. He responded immediately with a beaming smiley, a thumbs up symbol and WELL DONE followed by one small ‘x’.
As I walked home briskly on Friday night, I sent him another message. On my way home. Still on for tonight?
Ready when you are, x, came the response.
Resisting the urge to put a little skip into my step, I walked faster instead. I’ll text you when I’ve got changed, I tapped out, and added a kiss of my own to the end of the message.
It occurred to me that I was walking along the same stretch of path where Luke had had his phone stolen, and I quickly put mine away. The last thing I wanted was for those two thugs to show up and ruin my night.
I made it home five minutes later. Knowing I’d be sweaty again by the time I’d walked home, I hadn’t changed out of my workout gear or taken a shower. I stripped, showered, shaved, applied a small amount of gel to my hair, and did my best to style it. I sprayed on deodorant and cologne, then examined myself critically in the mirror. Earlier in the week I’d trimmed the thick mat of hair on my chest and stomach and given my pubic region a good pruning, not that I expected Luke to see me without my clothes. I wouldn’t want him to see me like that yet, but I felt better knowing I was neat and tidy. I didn’t like my excessive amount of body hair anymore than I liked my chubby body, but at least I could improve both as much as possible.
I dressed in a pair of smart gray trousers and the shirt Luke had said he liked. The evening was warm and I hesitated about wearing a jacket. If I had one it would cover my stomach a little, but I’d also start sweating, especially considering how nervous I was. I abandoned the jacket, put my wallet and keys in my pockets, and sent Luke another text. It was only a quarter to eight and we’d planned to start our date at eight o’clock.
He replied immediately and told me he was already on his way. While I waited I paced around the living room, taking deep breaths and thinking about all the things that could go wrong. My worst fear was that he’d change his mind after spending one evening with me, and then I’d feel worse than I had when he’d originally turned me down.
I brushed my teeth one last time and I’d just finished rinsing my mouth when the doorbell rang. Rather than let him in, I answered the intercom to tell him I was on my way down. I walked down the stairs with my heart hammering and there he was, leaning against the outer wall of the building. He looked gorgeous. His plain blue shirt matched the color of his eyes, and tight black pants emphasized the shape of his ass and thighs. He’d had his hair trimmed so it no longer covered his eyes, and he smiled shyly.
“Hi, Sam.”
“Hello.” I let the outer door close behind me and stood looking at him. I wanted more than anything to kiss him, but I was certain it was too soon. We should go on the date first. “Are you ready to go?”
“Yeah.” He smiled wider and walked beside me as we headed for the bus stop. “How was your workout?”
“Pretty good. I’ve done cardio all week, but I did weights again tonight.”
We talked about activities at the gym for most of the bus ride into town. Then as we walked from the bus station to the restaurant, both of us fell silent. I tried to think of something to say or to ask him, but my mind had gone blank. I repeatedly glanced at him beside me, then looked around us, wondering if any of the people we passed were laughing at the cute slender boy with his hefty companion. I was relieved when Luke asked me a question.
“You’ve never mentioned family. Do you have any brothers or sisters?”
“No, my parents didn’t want any more kids after they had me. I don’t see them very often. They could never really accept me being gay. They didn’t cut me off or anything, but they won’t talk about it. They never met Mark. I think they hope someday I might ‘change my mind’…” I emphasized the words with air-quotes, “…and get married to a girl. I remember them talking about grandchildren when I was in my teens, before I came out and dashed their hopes.”
“I’m sorry.”
I shrugged. I’d had years to get used to my parents’ cool and indifferent attitude. “What’s your mum like?”
“Fine. Over-protective. I told her when I was fifteen and she said she’d more or less guessed. She hated Jim, the ex I mentioned before. She didn’t think he was suitable for me and when she found how he’d treated me… well, she’s smothered me a bit since.”
“Does she know you’re on a date tonight?”
“Yeah. She’ll be pacing the house until I get home. She’s convinced anyone I go out with will treat me badly. That was kind of how I felt too.” He flushed and gave me a sideways grin. “I’m sorry I said no before.”
“Don’t worry about it. At least you changed your mind.” I risked brushing my hand against his as we walked, briefly caught it in mine and gave it a squeeze. I let go quickly, but he surprised me by catching my hand again and lacing our fingers together. “Are you sure?”
“Yeah. If anyone’s got a problem with two guys holding hands, it’s too bad.”
“I didn’t mean—” I stopped before I repeated my concerns about him being out with me. If he didn’t want to be seen with me, we wouldn’t be out together. He wouldn’t hold my hand, or look up at me with that sweet smile on his face. I needed to do as he’d said more than once and stop putting myself down. “So, you only mentioned your mum before. Where’s your dad?” I asked.
“I don’t know. Don’t care either. He’s a dick. Mum divorced him the year after I came out. They were already having major problems, but he was a real bastard to me. Mum threw him out of the house after he called me a dirty shirt-lifter, amongst other things.”
“Oh my God!” I gasped. “That’s awful.”
Luke shrugged. “I knew he was anti-gay before I said anything, but I couldn’t hide myself forever. There was this boy at school I liked.”
“Oh yes?” I grinned and squeezed his hand.
“His name was Gary. I had my first kiss with him, but after a few times he decided he wasn’t into it. Not long after that, someone found out I was gay and blabbed around the school, so I got bullied for a while. I didn’t do anything else until I went away to uni. I had a couple of brief flings with guys there, but nothing serious. It was only when I came back and met Jim that it all got fucked up. Anyway, I already told you about that. Look, we’re here.” He halted outside the door of the Bombay Brasserie, and a smartly dressed Indian man opened it for us.
I wondered if I ought to have booked a table, but luckily the restaurant was only about two-thirds full. A member of staff showed us to a table for two, offered us drinks, and gave us menus. We both chose light beer, then studied the menus together. I remembered what Luke had said about choices, and I diligently picked Tandoori chicken with a side salad to start, followed by boiled rice and beef dupiaza. Luke had the same starter, but chose a king prawn main course. He told me he didn’t eat red meat.
Now that we’d broken the ice with our chatting on the way to the restaurant, there was no stopping us. I asked Luke about his brother and he launched into a series of hilarious anecdotes of the terror that was Nick, whom he secretly adored and spoiled rotten, although he’d never have admitted it to the boy. We talked about our time at school, places we’d visited, and things we’d triumphed in or failed miserably at. I explained how food had become my crutch when I was lonely, and replaced the affection I craved when Mark h
ad treated me like shit. It didn’t even hurt to talk about it. It created no more emotion in me than telling him about my hopes to travel to other countries someday. It embarrassed me to admit I’d needed to lose seventy pounds after the doctor told me my weight was the reason for my breathlessness and dizzy spells, but it didn’t upset me. Luke reached across the table and squeezed my hand, telling me once more that I’d done amazingly well so far.
The evening flew by. We both refused dessert and ordered coffee. I insisted on paying the bill, despite Luke’s protests that he ought to contribute. He put his wallet away with a sigh, but when he met my eyes, his were twinkling.
“In that case, I’ll just have to pay next time.”
“Next time?” I beamed at him. “I haven’t put you off yet, then?”
“Not yet.” He grinned back.
“It’s still early. Do you want to do something else?” I asked. We left the restaurant to find the street busy with people and traffic. Ten thirty on a Friday night, and the city of Peterborough was buzzing.
“We could get a few drinks somewhere. I rarely come into town at night, but I think Verve’s okay. You know the club above that Mexican restaurant?”
“A gay club?” I queried. Mark had taken me to one in Leicester once and I’d hated it. But my aversion had probably been because he’d left me at the bar and danced for half an hour with his shirt off, while two muscle-men gyrated against him.
“We don’t have to.”
“No, it’s okay. I’m just not much of a dancer.”
“Me neither. But we can get a few drinks and no one will care if, um, if…” Luke broke off and laughed.
No one will care if you kiss me.
I laughed along with him. “Let’s go.”
Verve was loud and crowded, but I was much less nervous than I would have been if we’d gone back to my place and been alone. I hovered at the side of the dancefloor while Luke wormed his way through the crowd at the bar to get some drinks. No one bothered me, but I noticed two guys spoke to Luke while he waited. A tall man with blond spiky hair put his hand on the back of Luke’s neck and bent to whisper in his ear. I clenched my jaw, wondering if the club had been a mistake after all. I could imagine that man tugging Luke onto the dancefloor with him and me having to watch, just like with Mark.