Alice in Zombieland

by Lewis Carroll

  ‘—you advance twice—’

  ‘Each with a zombie lobster as a partner!’ cried the Gryphon.

  ‘Of course,’ the Corpse Turtle said: ‘advance twice, set to partners—’

  ‘—change lobsters, and retire in same order,’ continued the Gryphon.

  ‘Then, you know,’ the Corpse Turtle went on, ‘you throw the—’

  ‘The lobsters!’ shouted the Gryphon, with a bound into the air.

  ‘—as far out to sea as you can—’

  ‘Swim after them!’ screamed the Gryphon.

  ‘Turn a somersault in the sea!’ cried the Corpse Turtle, capering wildly about.

  ‘Change lobster’s again!’ yelled the Gryphon at the top of its voice.

  ‘Back to land again, and that’s all the first figure,’ said the Corpse Turtle, suddenly dropping his voice; and the two creatures, who had been jumping about like mad things all this time, sat down again very sadly and quietly, and looked at Alice.

  ‘It must be a very pretty dance,’ said Alice timidly.

  ‘Would you like to see a little of it?’ said the Corpse Turtle.

  ‘Very much indeed,’ said Alice.

  ‘Come, let’s try the first figure!’ said the Corpse Turtle to the Gryphon. ‘We can do without lobsters, you know. Which shall sing?’

  ‘Oh, you sing,’ said the Gryphon. ‘I’ve forgotten the words.’

  So they began solemnly dancing round and round Alice, every now and then treading on her toes when they passed too close, small bits of the Corpse Turtle and ratty feathers from the Gryphon falling to the cold sea sand with every new pass, and waving their forepaws to mark the time, while the Corpse Turtle sang this, very slowly and sadly:

  “Will you walk a little faster?” said a whiting to a snail.

  “There’s a porpoise close behind us, and he’s treading on my tail.

  See how eagerly the lobsters and the turtles all advance!

  They are waiting on the shingle—will you come and join the dance?

  Will you, won’t you, will you, won’t you, will you join the dance?

  Will you, won’t you, will you, won’t you, won’t you join the dance?

  “You can really have no notion how delightful it will be

  When they take us up and throw us, with the lobsters, out to sea!”

  But the snail replied “Too far, too far!” and gave a look askance—

  Said he thanked the whiting kindly, but he would not join the dance.

  Would not, could not, would not, could not, would not join the dance.

  Would not, could not, would not, could not, could not join the dance.

  “What matters it how far we go?” his scaly friend replied.

  “There is another shore, you know, upon the other side.

  The further off from England the nearer is to France—

  Then turn not pale, beloved snail, but come and join the dance.

  Will you, won’t you, will you, won’t you, will you join the dance?

  Will you, won’t you, will you, won’t you, won’t you join the dance?”

  ‘Thank you, it’s a very interesting dance to watch,’ said Alice, feeling very glad that it was over at last: ‘and I do so like that curious song about the whiting!’

  ‘Oh, as to the whiting,’ said the Corpse Turtle, ‘they—you’ve seen them, of course?’

  ‘Yes,’ said Alice, ‘I’ve often seen them at dinn—’ she checked herself hastily.

  ‘I don’t know where Dinn may be,’ said the Corpse Turtle, ‘but if you’ve seen them so often, of course you know what they’re like.’

  ‘I believe so,’ Alice replied thoughtfully. ‘They have their tails in their mouths—and they’re all over crumbs.’

  ‘You’re wrong about the crumbs,’ said the Corpse Turtle: ‘crumbs would all wash off in the sea. But they have their tails in their mouths; and the reason is—’ here the Corpse Turtle yawned and shut his eyes. ‘Tell her about the reason and all that,’ he said to the Gryphon.

  ‘The reason is,’ said the Gryphon, ‘that they wouldgo with the zombie lobsters to the dance. So they got torn apart and thrown out to sea. So they had to fall a long way. So they got their tails fast in their mouths. So they couldn’t get them out again. That’s all.’

  ‘Thank you,’ said Alice, ‘it’s very interesting. I never knew so much about a whiting before.’

  ‘I can tell you more than that, if you like,’ said the Gryphon. ‘Do you know why it’s called a whiting?’

  ‘I never thought about it,’ said Alice. ‘Why?’

  ‘It does the boots and shoes.’ the Gryphon replied very solemnly.

  Alice was thoroughly puzzled. ‘Does the boots and shoes!’ she repeated in a wondering tone.

  ‘Why, what are your shoes done with?’ said the Gryphon. ‘I mean, what makes them so shiny?’

  Alice looked down at them, and considered a little before she gave her answer. ‘They’re done with blacking, I believe.’

  ‘Boots and shoes under the sea,’ the Gryphon went on in a deep voice, ‘are done with a whiting. Now you know.’

  ‘And what are they made of?’ Alice asked in a tone of great curiosity.

  ‘Soles and eels, of course,’ the Gryphon replied rather impatiently: ‘any shrimp could have told you that.’

  ‘If I’d been the whiting,’ said Alice, whose thoughts were still running on the song, ‘I’d have said to the porpoise, “Keep back, please: we don’t want you with us!”’

  ‘They were obliged to have him with them,’ the Mock Turtle said: ‘no wise fish would go anywhere without a porpoise.’

  ‘Wouldn’t it really?’ said Alice in a tone of great surprise.

  ‘Of course not,’ said the Corpse Turtle: ‘why, if a fish came to me, and told me he was going a journey, I should say “With what porpoise?”’

  ‘Don’t you mean “purpose”?’ said Alice.

  ‘I mean what I say,’ the Corpse Turtle replied in an offended tone. And the Gryphon added ‘Come, let’s hear some of your adventures.’

  ‘I could tell you my adventures—beginning from this morning,’ said Alice a little timidly: ‘but it’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.’

  ‘Explain all that,’ said the Corpse Turtle.

  ‘No, no! The adventures first,’ said the Gryphon in an impatient tone: ‘explanations take such a dreadful time.’

  So Alice began telling them her adventures from the time when she first saw the Black Rat. She was a little nervous about it just at first, the two creatures got so close to her, one on each side, and opened their eyes and mouths so very wide, but she gained courage as she went on. Her listeners were perfectly quiet till she got to the part about her repeating ‘You are old, Father William,’ to the Wurm, and the words all coming different, and then the Corpse Turtle drew a long breath, and said ‘That’s very curious.’

  ‘It’s all about as curious as it can be,’ said the Gryphon.

  ‘It all came different!’ the Corpse Turtle repeated thoughtfully. ‘I should like to hear her try and repeat something now. Tell her to begin.’ He looked at the Gryphon as if he thought it had some kind of authority over Alice.

  ‘Stand up and repeat “’Tis the voice of the sluggard,”’ said the Gryphon.

  ‘How the creatures order one about, and make one repeat lessons!’ thought Alice; ‘I might as well be at school at once.’ However, she got up, and began to repeat it, but her head was so full of the Zombie Lobster Quadrille, that she hardly knew what she was saying, and the words came very queer indeed:

  Tis the voice of the Dead Lobster; I heard him declare,

  “You have baked me too brown, I must sugar my hair.”

  As a duck with its eyelids, so he with his nose

  Trims his belt and his buttons, and turns out his toes.’

  When the sands are all dry, he is gay as a lark,

  And will talk in contemptuous tones of the Shark,
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  But, when the tide rises and sharks are around,

  His voice has a timid and tremulous sound.

  ‘That’s different from what I used to say when I was a child,’ said the Gryphon.

  ‘Well, I never heard it before,’ said the Corpse Turtle; ‘but it sounds uncommon nonsense.’

  Alice said nothing; she had sat down with her face in her hands, wondering if anything would ever happen in a natural way again. Her hunger was rising again, and she kept sneaking peeks at the poor Corpse Turtle’s pale underbelly, wondering if a piece might fall her way and there was a chance of snatching it up for a snack before the others observed her. All she wanted was a nice place to sit and eat until she didn’t feel so dreadfully hungry again.

  And why she so cold now? She had never felt so bone-chillingly cold in her life. Of course, there was the wind off the cold sea; perhaps she hadn’t noticed it before. There was an icy look to the red wine waters that made her think of how the blood of a nice rare steak congealed to the bottom of her plate.

  And of course all these thoughts of nearly raw, cold meat made her all the more hungry for something like meat pies that she almost wept.

  ‘I should like to have it explained,’ said the Corpse Turtle, drawing her attention back to her two companions.

  ‘She can’t explain it,’ said the Gryphon hastily. ‘Go on with the next verse.’

  ‘But about his toes?’ the Corpse Turtle persisted. ‘How could he turn them out with his nose, you know?’

  ‘It’s the first position in dancing.’ Alice said; but was dreadfully puzzled by the whole thing, and longed to change the subject—perhaps to where she could find some delicious meat pies.

  ‘Go on with the next verse,’ the Gryphon repeated impatiently: ‘it begins “I passed by his garden.”’

  Alice did not dare to disobey, though she felt sure it would all come wrong, and she went on in a trembling voice:

  I passed by his garden, and marked, with one eye,

  How the Owl and the Panther were sharing a pie—

  The Panther took pie-crust, and gravy, and meat,

  While the Owl had the dish as its share of the treat.

  When the pie was all finished, the Owl, as a boon,

  Was kindly permitted to pocket the spoon:

  While the Panther received knife and fork with a growl,

  And concluded the banquet—

  ‘What is the use of repeating all that stuff,’ the Corpse Turtle interrupted, ‘if you don’t explain it as you go on? It’s by far the most confusing thing I ever heard!’

  ‘Yes, I think you’d better leave off,’ said the Gryphon: and Alice was only too glad to do so. Speaking of meat pies was just too much to bear in her state of mind. Another tiny bit of the Corpse Turtle slipped from his dead flappers and she heard her stomach rumble at the thought of chewing on the succulent cold meat of her companion.

  ‘Shall we try another figure of the Zombie Lobster Quadrille?’ the Gryphon went on. ‘Or would you like the Corpse Turtle to sing you a song?’

  ‘Oh, a song, please, if the Corpse Turtle would be so kind,’ Alice replied, so eagerly that the Gryphon said, in a rather offended tone, ‘Hm! No accounting for tastes! Sing her “Corpse Turtle Soup,” will you, old fellow?’

  The Corpse Turtle sighed deeply, and began, in a voice sometimes choked with sobs, to sing this:

  Beautiful Soup, so rich and green,

  Waiting in a hot tureen!

  Who for such dainties would not stoop?

  Soup of the evening, beautiful Soup!

  Soup of the evening, beautiful Soup!

  Beau—ootiful Soo—oop!

  Beau—ootiful Soo—oop!

  Soo—oop of the e—e—evening,

  Beautiful, beautiful Soup!

  Beautiful Soup! Who cares for fish,

  Game, or any other dish?

  Who would not give all else for two

  Pennyworth only of beautiful Soup?

  Pennyworth only of beautiful Soup?

  Beau—ootiful Soo—oop!

  Beau—ootiful Soo—oop!

  Soo—oop of the e—e—evening,

  Beautiful, beauti—FUL SOUP!’

  ‘Chorus again!’ cried the Gryphon, and the Corpse Turtle had just begun to repeat it, when a cry of ‘The trial’s beginning!’ was heard in the distance.

  ‘Come on!’ cried the Gryphon, and, taking Alice by the hand, it hurried off, without waiting for the end of the song.

  ‘What trial is it?’ Alice panted as she ran; but the Gryphon only answered ‘Come on!’ and ran the faster, while more and more faintly came, carried on the breeze that followed them, the melancholy words:

  Soo—oop of the e—e—evening,

  Beautiful, beautiful Soup!

  Chapter 11 Who Stole the Meat Pies?

  The King and Queen of Hearts were seated on their throne when they arrived, with a great moaning crowd of dead things assembled about them—all sorts of little birds and beasts, as well as the whole pack of cards: the Knave was standing before them, in chains, with a jewel-collared soldier on each side to guard him; and near the King was the Black Rat, with a trumpet in one hand, and a scroll of parchment in the other. In the very middle of the court was a table, with a large dish of steaming meat pies upon it: they looked so good, that it made Alice quite hungry to look at them— ‘I wish they’d get the trial done,’ she thought, ‘and hand round the refreshments!’ But there seemed to be no chance of this, so she began looking at everything about her, to pass away the time.

  Alice had never been in a court of justice before, but she had read about them in books, and she was quite pleased to find that she knew the name of nearly everything there. ‘That’s the judge,’ she said to herself, ‘because of his great wig.’ The judge, by the way, was the King; and as he wore his crown over the wig. He did not look at all comfortable, and it was certainly not becoming.

  But there were some things in this court room that she was sure never were meant to be used in legal proceedings. For one, there were various bodies in various states of decay hanging along the walls, as if to signal the end of all trials. And there were various weapons, from halberds to swords, close to hand where the King and Queen sat.

  Near the Red Queen was a small metal box, with bright lights all along its face. The old woman held the box close to her chest, as if protecting it from prying eyes. When she saw Alice looking her way, she turned so the box was hidden by her great bulk.

  ‘Now what could that be?’ wondered Alice. The lights were glittering and reminded her of the strange jeweled collars she saw around the necks of the jurors and most of the soldiers scattered throughout the courtroom. Could it be that the box had something to do with the collars, she wondered. She decided to see if she could get a closer look at the box.

  But as she didn’t think it possible right now, she turned her attention back to naming the parts of the court room she did recognize.

  ‘And that’s the jury-box,’ thought Alice, ‘and those twelve zombies,’ (she was obliged to say ‘zombies,’ you see, because all of them were perfectly dead, and in various states of decay; all of them wore those strange jewel collars around their necks, be they beast or bird) ‘I suppose they are the jurors.’ She said this last word two or three times over to herself, being rather proud of it: for she thought, and rightly too, that very few little girls of her age knew the meaning of it at all. However, ‘jury-men’ would have done just as well.

  Some of the twelve jurors were looking around confused, moaning and drooling; some of them had taken up writing instruments and were writing very busily on slates. A few stabbed themselves in their arms, chests and cheeks, as if some sort of game. None showed any sign of pain, and after a stab or two, resumed writing again. ‘What are they doing?’ Alice whispered to the Gryphon. ‘They can’t have anything to put down yet, before the trial’s begun.’

  ‘They’re putting down their names,’ the Gryphon whispered in reply, ‘for fear
they should forget them before the end of the trial.’

  ‘Stupid things!’ Alice began in a loud, indignant voice, but she stopped hastily, for the Black Rat cried out, ‘Silence in the court!’ and the King put on his spectacles and looked anxiously round, to make out who was talking.

  Alice could see, as well as if she were looking over their shoulders, that all the undead jurors were writing down ‘stupid things!’ on their slates, and she could even make out that one of them didn’t know how to spell ‘stupid,’ and that he had to ask his neighbor to tell him. ‘A nice muddle their slates’ll be in before the trial’s over!’ thought Alice.

  One of the zombie jurors had a pencil that squeaked. This of course, Alice could not stand, and she went round the court and got behind him, and very soon found an opportunity of taking it away. She did it so quickly that the poor little dead juror (it was Bill, the Lizard) could not make out at all what had become of it; so, after hunting all about for it, he was obliged to bite the end of one of his little dead fingers and write with the bloody end of it for the rest of the day; and this was of very little use, as it left only smeared, indecipherable marks on the slate.

  ‘Herald, read the accusation!’ said the King.

  On this the Black Rat blew three blasts on the trumpet, and then unrolled the parchment scroll, and read as follows:

  The Queen of Hearts, she made some meat pies,

  All on a summer day:

  The Knave of Hearts, he stole those meat pies,

  And took them quite away!

  ‘Consider your verdict,’ the King said to the jury.

  ‘Not yet, not yet!’ the Rat hastily interrupted. ‘There’s a great deal to come before that!’

  ‘Call the first witness,’ said the King; and the Black Rat blew three blasts on the trumpet, and called out, ‘First witness!’

  The first witness was the Hatter. He came in with a teacup in one hand and someone’s bloody dismembered hand in the other, of which he was taking little nervous nibbles as he approached. ‘I beg pardon, your Majesty,’ he began, ‘for bringing these in: but I hadn’t quite finished my tea when I was sent for.’