Ten Thousand Points of Light

by Michelle Warren

  If she met me today would she even want to date me? I’m unsure of everything we stood for as a couple, including if I’ll ever have the chance to make up these past years to her.

  Whatever the outcome, I decide this is my chance. This is what I’ve been putting my life on hold for. It’s time to find her and tell her about who we were for three years. If she believes me, we can move forward. Somehow. I don’t have a plan. But if not... I don’t even want to consider the if nots.

  A few weeks later, I’m on Georgetown’s campus. When I told Linden my plan he was just happy I was leaving the apartment. He found me Cait’s class schedule in the way Linden can—with a lot of money. I’ve been here for a few days. Stalking? Preparing? I’ve seen her but I haven’t approached yet. I’ve been waiting for the perfect opportunity. Linden tells me it’ll never come and to do it. He’s right. When’s a good time to tell a woman you miss and love her even though she doesn’t know you?

  She appears from a stately university building with an arm full of books and papers. She’s chatting with another student. I have to stop in my tracks to watch her. Every day before now, seeing her freezes the world around me until it’s only her and me.

  The breeze blows through her hair. A long tendril sticks to the peachy gloss of her lips and she swipes it away. She smiles and laughs. The hollowness that’s been living in me twists as if it’s a sinkhole caving in on itself. Being near her makes it beg to fill it again.

  A passing student bumps me, bringing me back to reality.

  Cait’s alone and crossing the path in my direction. There’s contracting tightness in my throat the closer she moves, but I step one foot in front of the other, acting as normal as possible.

  Twenty feet.

  Fifteen.

  Ten.

  Five.

  I open my mouth to say her name and the wind gusts across the park, tearing the papers from her grasp. They flutter in every direction, escaping her. I snag several spinning through the air, while she chases the remainder, snatching them one at a time.

  I organize the papers and approach. Grass and leaves crunch beneath my boots. I’m hyperaware of everything, like my chilled ears, the hammering of my heart, the dryness of my mouth, and rigidness of my legs.

  “I think I caught them all,” I tell her when we’re standing face to face.

  She finally looks at me, her brown eyes warm and sparkling. She looks. But does she see. Will there be any recognition of who I am behind her beautiful eyes? I’m praying now that our gazes are connected she’ll relive our experiences: every kiss, every laugh, every tear, every second we shared together in her mind without me having to say a single word.

  I hold her here for as long as I can. Three seconds. Five? It’s too short of a time. Not enough. She breaks our connection first and brushes the hair blowing around her face. I want to reach out and tuck it behind her ear.

  “Thanks. I appreciate it,” she says.

  She holds out her hand, and I return the papers to her. But this is where things turn bad. I lock up. Everything I wanted to say, all the words I’ve been replaying in my mind for years evaporate. They’ve twirled into the wind, mixing with the leaves, and now they can never be caught.

  I realize the monumentally incorrect decision I made two years ago and every day since. I should have fought harder. I should have done everything I could have to prove I was the one who needed to be by her side. I should have been there for her recovery. I should have helped her through the pain.

  Yes, she may have rejected me, but at least she would have known I was there for her from the moment she woke, and I would have done anything for her, even beyond spending over a year in jail.

  How do I explain what a huge mistake I made? Would she even want someone who wasn’t there for her on the worst day of her life? Would she ever forgive me?

  I don’t forgive me. I hate me. I. Hate. Me. I let her go for the second time because there’s no way I can convince her I’m good enough or worthy of her heart if I don’t believe it myself.

  CHAPTER 45

  ONE YEAR AGO

  “Put some damn clothes on. I have a surprise for you,” Linden announces when he appears at my front door. The last time I saw him, he was trying to talk me into coming back to work. But like most encounters with Linden these days, they suck.

  “It’s six a.m., scumbag.” I brace my arm on the door’s frame blocking him, but the asshole shoulders his way into my apartment. It’s too early to fight, so I close the front door and turn to find he’s disappeared. He marches from my bedroom and tosses something at me. I catch the ball of dirty clothes before they nail me in the face.

  “You want to explain what the hell’s going on?” I have a rule: I don’t dress before ten, noon if I’m extra lazy.

  Linden pulls back a curtain and peeks out the window when I hear the distinct sound of a moving truck outside on the city street.

  “Are you serious?” I make my way to the window beside him. “Did you promise someone I’d help them move in again? What did I tell you about pimping me out.”

  “Shut up and watch. This is the surprise part.”

  I take a closer look at the van. It’s small, plain white with no moving company logos. The back door’s wide open with a narrow metal ramp descending to street level. Inside, someone moves boxes among the shadows.

  Stepping into the light, a woman appears with two boxes stacked in her arms. She descends the ramp. Even though I haven’t seen her in ages, my heart lurches at the sight. I used to kiss that long pale neck. Those peach lips used to know my name. Her long legs spent hours wrapped around my waist. And those soulful eyes spoke to me without words. They told me everything I ever needed to know in life. That she was mine and I was hers.

  “Cait?” The sound of her name causes and old, familiar ache to bubble from deep inside. I press both palms onto the glass and move closer to make sure my eyes aren’t playing tricks on me. It wouldn’t be the first time I thought I saw her.

  “Surprise,” Linden says.

  I look at him in confusion. My brows lower. She’s outside my window and moving into my building? I turn and slam Linden’s mass into the wall, causing hanging photos to crash to the wood floor. Glass shatters across my bare feet. With the knot of his tie clenched in my grip, I spit six words into his face. “What the fuck did you do?”

  “Trying to give you the life you had before you turned into a useless pile of rat shit.” He grips my shoulders and shoves me.

  Hurt by his words, I take several steps away until my butt settles on the back of a chair. After Cait left, my life fell apart. I hunch over. My face sinks into my hands, and I rub all the memories good and bad away. The same exact thing I’ve been attempting for years with little success.

  Linden straightens his suit and smooths his slicked hair as he watches me crumble into less of a man in front of him. I wasn’t sure it was possible. He places a strong hand on my shoulder. This is his way of comforting me, by trying to fix things. I wish he would leave me the fuck alone.

  “Come out and meet her,” he says.

  “Why’s she here? I don’t understand.”

  “The long story short is I recruited her. She’s my new leasing agent. And she needed a place to live, so she’s your new tenant.”

  “Christ, Linden.”

  “This is what you wanted, isn’t it? You’ve wanted her back and now here she is on a fucking silver platter waiting to fall in love with you all over again. She just doesn’t know it yet.”

  “She still remembers nothing?”

  “She sure as shit didn’t remember me. Interviewed her personally. She didn’t talk about her past in the interview, and I suspect that’s the way she wants to keep things. So you should do the same.”

  “And act like I don’t know her?”

  “Pretty much.”

  “That’s the dumbest idea you’ve ever had.”

  “We’ll see, baby brother.”

  There’s a knock on the
door. My heart stops and every muscle in my body stiffens, knowing she’s on the other side.

  Linden motions for me to dress, but I stare at the door, willing her to leave. If I see her like this, I won’t be able to function. I already want her as badly as I did the first time I saw her. I can’t help it. Linden’s one hundred percent right. This is what I’ve been dreaming about. That time would roll back, returning everything we lost and give us a second chance.

  Linden rolls his eyes when he sees I’ve yet to move. He opens the door anyway. He and Cait exchange pleasantries, words I can’t decipher in my haze.

  When she steps inside, I suck in all the air in the room to make it through the next several moments. Even in dark jeans and a black tank, she’s more beautiful than I remember. Tall, yet she makes herself smaller by curling into herself. Perfect except for the scars I know she has all over her skin. In the past, she could be outgoing one moment and a loner the next. Everything depended on her mood or the weather. She said it was because she was a Libra. She constantly searched for balance. Either way, everything inside me wants to sweep her into my arms and never let go. I have to remind myself I’m nothing to her now, even if she’s still, after all these years, everything to me.

  “Evan!” Linden yells. He’s been repeating my name, but I ignored him with her distracting me.

  “This is Cait,” he introduces us.

  I stand as if I’ve been called to duty, but that’s all I can manage. As she stares at me, taking me in, I’m waiting for her reaction. I watch her ears to see if they blush at the sight of me half dressed, shirtless, and in my boxer briefs the way she used to. When they do, my heart skips a beat. I study her eyes to determine what’s most important in this interaction. Despite her amnesia, will she finally remember me? Even a little bit?

  She steps forward, her gaze focused on my face, keeping this all business, and reaches out her hand. “Nice to meet you.”

  When she smiles, I want to fall to my knees in tears. Not because it’s beautiful, but because it’s not the smile she used to give to me. This is her plastic smile. The one she used for her parents and people she didn’t care for. This is her “I’m being polite” smile. And it’s the same one she gave me when I approached her at school. Her smile has the power to ignite and destroy, and my heart just burst into flames.

  It’s here I determine she remembers nothing. Still. And for the second time in my life the woman who used to love me rejects me, and she doesn’t even know it. I give Linden a dirty look. I want to punch the fucker for forcing me into this position.

  “Hey,” I respond to her, but my voice is monotone. I don’t lift my jittery hand to shake hers. The pain of touching her and remembering the perfect way our fingers fit might kill me.

  She drops her hand at my rejection and wraps it across her stomach. She shifts from one foot to the other in an uncomfortable way, so I know what’s next. She captures her bottom lip with her teeth. I half smile for knowing it would make an appearance before the shadow of loneliness crosses me again.

  “You’ll have to forgive Evan; he forgot he was helping you this morning.” Linden steals her attention.

  “Oh, thanks. Sorry to wake you.” Cait glances between us.

  “He loves this stuff, but I need to get some coffee in him first,” Linden jokes and shuffles her out the door. “We’ll be out momentarily.”

  “Sounds good.” She waves with uncertainty. Perhaps she can sense the tension before she disappears from view.

  As soon as he shuts the door, I descend, ready to beat the ever-loving shit out of him. But he stops me in his tracks by saying, “Oh yeah, I also promised her you’d show her around this weekend.”

  CHAPTER 46

  Alone in my apartment, I get a good look at myself in the bathroom mirror. I’m not a chick, but when I dreamed of reuniting with my long-lost love, something I never believed would happen, I didn’t imagine myself looking like utter shit... or smelling like it. I sniff my pit and recoil from the stench.

  The last time I left the apartment was when I taught capoeira three days ago. And that might be the last time I showered. The fact that I cannot remember is a problem. Functioning at the bare minimum is the real problem these days.

  Before I face Cait again, I need to look and smell presentable. I shower and rush around the apartment to dress. I stop and peek out the window to catch a glimpse of her. Yes, she’s really fucking here. Before I step outside my apartment, I pause to take a breath to gather my wits. What must she think of me already? What will I do when I face her again? What the hell will I say? “Hey, remember me? We used to be in love.”

  Fuck Linden for doing this, for forcing me to face her a second time. I’ll have it out with him later, but for now I need to be near her again. I open the door and step outside into the sunny October morning. They’re chatting at the bottom of the steps.

  “See, told you he just needed some caffeine,” Linden says to Cait before glancing at his watch. “I’m running late for a meeting, but Evan will help you with anything you need this weekend.”

  Very convenient, asshole.

  Linden’s driver opens the back door of his sedan and he slides inside. Before he drives away, the darkened window rolls down. From inside, Linden says, “See you Monday morning, Cait.”

  “Looking forward to it.” She waves.

  We’re alone and staring at each other. What I want to say is on the edge of my lips. It’s been there for years. A speech I prepared long ago when I approached her before. How can I explain I loved her but her parents did everything in their power to keep us apart? That I’m sorry I didn’t fight hard enough. They wanted her to forget me, and they won. I hate myself for giving her space, but when I realized my epic fuck-up, it was too late. There was too much time between us. I never should have stopped trying, and I’ve regretted it all this time. Looking into her eyes now, I know I won’t tell her those things. It’s still not the right time and it may never be.

  She clears her throat. How much time has passed? Have I zoned for too long, all the while staring at her like a creepster?

  “Seriously, you don’t have to help. This has to be the last thing you want to do on a Friday morning. I’ll be fine,” Cait says.

  “You’re carrying that mattress up the stairs by yourself?” I point to the queen-size set packed inside the truck.

  “I’ll use the elevator.” She shrugs.

  I laugh. “You haven’t seen the apartment, have you?”

  “No, well, photos. But that’s it,” she admits. “Everything happened so fast.”

  “Unfortunately for both of us, there’s no elevator.”

  “Oh.”

  “And you’re on the sixth floor.”

  “I see.” Her voice deflates further.

  “So you kind of need me and these monster muscles.” I flex my biceps, expecting her to laugh the way she used to, but she appears too deep in thought to notice I’m joking with her. My arms relax when my smile fades.

  She snaps out of it and proposes a new plan. “Maybe if you help with that one thing, I can get everything else?”

  This part of her remains the same. Never wanting to put anyone out and always prepared to do everything herself. She was always independent to a fault.

  “Listen, I’m already here. Let’s just get it over with.” I stack three boxes, nudge them to the edge of the bed of the truck, lift them, and head inside before she can protest.

  “You can repay me by buying me deep dish.” I turn at the top of the stoop. I wait for her reaction but it never comes. She’s zoning out again.

  “What’s that?” she asks.

  “Pizza.” And it used to be our favorite after-hours meal. Something she wouldn’t remember. I haven’t even touched it since she left. I don’t know why I thought she’d remember this when she remembers nothing else.

  “Yeah, sure,” she says with little emotion.

  This is how the day progresses. With me doing anything to make her smile. A
lost cause, it seems. If she does, it’s the wrong smile. What I learn is Cait isn’t the same person, so I shift gears to stop torturing myself.

  “So why Chicago?” I settle a box on the counter in the kitchen.

  “Why do you live here?”

  “Family. Friends. It’s my home. I like it. I have my reasons, I guess.”

  “I like it too.”

  “You’ve been here for three hours.”

  “I have my reasons: no friends, no family, it’s someplace other than home,” she shoots back.

  She’s not only happy about this prospect, but she’s running away from everything and everyone in her life. Again.

  “You don’t know anyone here?” I hedge as we make our way back down the stairs for the final load.

  “No one. It’s a fresh start. A reboot. That’s what I was looking for.”

  “Kind of crazy to move here from Maryland and not know anyone.”

  “How did you know I lived in Maryland?” She stops.

  I pause mid-step. Crap. I mentioned something we hadn’t discussed. It’s the second time today. I say, “Linden.”

  “What else did he tell you?”

  “Everything?” The word comes out more as a question. It’s the only way I can cover myself, unless I mention something they never discussed in their interview process. I add, “We’re tight like that.”

  “I couldn’t tell by the fighting.”

  She heard that? But how much?

  “He thinks he can fix my life. I beg to differ.” That about covers everything. Mostly.

  “Family is like that. I’m told it means they care, but it doesn’t make it any less annoying.”

  “Tell me about it.” Linden may be an asshole at times but her parents’ photos are posted on the Wikipedia-asshole page.