Devil in the Deep Blue Sea

by A. J. Markam

  “‘Scuse us, comin’ through!” I yelled.

  “It’s them!” the guards shouted in surprise as we passed over their heads. “The intruders!”

  “I’m NOT marrying her!” Alaria yelled over her shoulder.

  I’m sure that was confusing to the guards, but I had other things to worry about.

  Like the 2000 nymph warriors in front of us. In the camp and on the battlefield.

  I thought about going around them, but I wanted to get to Zali as fast as possible – so I took a gamble.

  It paid off. None of the nymphs below us seemed to know anything about our misadventures inside the castle (and inside the princess, too), and they ignored me and Alaria as we swam over the camp.

  Well, shit – if I knew it was THIS easy, I would have never bothered sneaking AROUND the camp in the first place!

  The nymph warriors ignored us even more as we started over the battlefield. They were intent on slaughtering Naga soldiers. Nobody cared about me and Alaria.

  Well… nobody cared about us until the guards burst out of the city gate yelling, “STOP THEM! THEY DEFILED THE PRINCESS!”

  I looked back over my shoulder.

  Every single nymph in the camp turned away from the guards…

  …and stared at me and Alaria.

  “SHE WANTED US TO!” Alaria yelled back at them.

  “Oh God…” I groaned.

  A war cry went up from the camp, and they all grabbed their weapons and rushed out onto the battlefield.

  I tried to swim faster. Didn’t work.

  The nymphs ran instead of swimming, but now an overwhelming tide of green lady warriors was running across the battlefield after me and Alaria. And the ones underneath us were throwing spears, even though we were high enough not to get hit.

  Yet.

  I felt like Indiana Jones getting chased by those South American tribesmen at the start of Raiders of the Lost Ark.

  JOCK, START THE ENGINE!

  The Naga warriors saw what was happening, too – specifically the entire nymph army rushing their position at once.

  “Fall back!” the Naga commanders bellowed. “Fall back to Fathmos!”

  So now I had 2000 enraged, sexually frustrated green women running after me…

  A whole bunch of snake guys retreating just a few yards below me…

  And an overpowered, perverted warlock waiting to greet us all.

  Perfect.

  I love it when a plan comes together.

  Although if things went south (or more south than they already had), it might be good to have my imp’s teleportation skills to help out.

  I summoned Stig via my Action Menu. He came back to life in a burst of smoky water, his hands clutching his belly where the castle guards had probably impaled him with their bronze spears.

  “AAAAH!” he screamed, then looked around him in surprise. “Uh, boss…?”

  I grabbed him by the scruff of his neck and hauled him along with me. “SWIM!”

  Stig looked down at the multitudes rushing across the battlefield. “Fuck me…”

  “Yeah, you already missed out on all that,” I joked.

  “Oh – good,” Stig said in relief. “What’s going on?”

  “Alaria and I had sex with the princess, and now all those nymphs want to kill us.”

  “Why can’t you just drink with people and not do the fuckoff?!” Stig asked angrily as he fwap-fwap-fwapped one finger through an OK symbol.

  “That wouldn’t be nearly as much fun!” Alaria called out.

  She was right about that.

  As we approached Fathmos, I saw a group I’d forgotten about: the protestors.

  There was a throng of about a hundred outside the city gates, but they’d stopped chanting and were watching the 2000 nymphs rushing towards them.

  Even if my plans didn’t work out but the protestors got sent for respawn all at once, that would be an acceptable outcome.

  My plan was to swim over Fathmos’ walls since the forcefield was still out. But that got thwarted when I saw the hundreds of Naga warriors manning the barricades.

  No use to try and go over them. If they didn’t spear us with their tridents, I was pretty sure they would swim up and intercept us.

  So I did the next best thing.

  I dropped down behind the protestors, right outside the city gates, and started screaming like a little girl.

  “ZALI! ZALIIIIIII, COME OUT HERE, QUICK!”

  The Naga warriors rushing off the battlefield slithered around the protestors and backed up against the city wall beside me, Alaria, and Stig.

  Then the nymphs showed up. All 2000 of them.

  “KILL THEM!” the green-skinned women roared as one.

  I think the protestors thought the nymphs were talking about them, seeing as the protestors were the only thing separating the nymphs from the Naga. (And me, Alaria, and Stig.)

  Which totally got the protestors’ dander up.

  So obviously they started singing.

  A hymn.

  Yeah.

  Seriously.

  One of the lobster men started singing to the tune of the German national anthem (which was somehow fitting), and then all the other underwater Jesus freaks joined in.

  “Will ye play, then? Will ye dally

  “Far behind the battle line?

  “Up! it is Jehovah’s rally!

  “God’s own arm hath need of thine.

  “Worlds are charging, heaven beholding;

  “Thou hast but an hour to fight!

  “Now, the blazoned cross unfolding,

  “On, right onward for the right!”

  Which totally freaked the nymphs out. They just stood there staring, like they’d never encountered a bunch of singing crazies in the middle of battle before.

  The Naga, too, were mightily perplexed.

  I couldn’t blame them. I’d had a lot of weird fuckin’ moments in this videogame, but this was one of the absolute weirdest, bar none.

  “…what the fuck?” Alaria murmured.

  Stig didn’t take the absurdity lying down, though.

  “CHILL, BITCHES!” he croaked. “SOMEBDOY TELL THOSE BITCHES TO CHILL!”

  He got more than a few dirty looks from the protestors – but they weren’t about to be stayed from their holy course, and they kept on singing.

  “Sworn to yield, to waver, never;

  “Consecrated, born again!

  “Sworn to be Christ’s soldiers ever,

  “O for Christ at least be men!”

  “O let all the soul within you

  “For the truth’s sake go abroad!

  “Strike! let every nerve and sinew

  “Tell on ages, tell for God!”

  And then they finally did the thing everybody else had been expecting from the beginning.

  “ATTAAACK!” the main lobster dude roared as he launched himself into battle.

  All the other protestors shouted and waded in after him.

  Of course, they didn’t go after the snake dudes. Or the two fornicators who had committed a whole checklist of perverted acts within the last hour.

  They went after the only people who actually had cause to be outraged: the nymphs.

  I mean, Alaria and I had just double-teamed their sweet (cough), virginal (cough cough) princess.

  Why go after the nymphs and only the nymphs, you might ask?

  The protestors’ reasons soon became apparent.

  “You scantily clad hussies!” one of the protestors shrieked.

  “Don’t you know the sanctity of the female body?” another one cried out. (That squid-faced protestor was dressed like she was Amish, by the way.)

  “Your clothes are immoral! There should be a dress code for modesty!” another screamed.

  I wanted to say, Dude, if there were a dress code for modesty, nobody would play the fuckin’ game.

  But I didn’t want to draw attention to myself, so I just stood back and watched.

  I
was expected a wholesale slaughter. I mean, it was a bunch of lobster people with signs up against an army of nymph warriors.

  But I was surprised.

  The protestors held their own.

  At first I thought it was something along the lines of Crazy trumps sanity every time, but then I selected a couple of the protestors to see what they were working with.

  There were some Level 15’s in there, along with a lot of 14’s.

  “Holy shit,” I exclaimed.

  The motherfuckers had been leveling up BIG time.

  And they proved it. Using their signs’ wooden stakes as weapons, the protestors did a lot more damage to the nymphs than I would have ever expected.

  Yeah, yeah, the nymphs killed them all pretty quickly – but the nymphs were all Level 25 and above, and there were thousands of them.

  There were only 100 protestors, and yet they somehow managed to take out a couple dozen nymphs before they bought the farm.

  Totally fuckin’ insane.

  Once the last protestor was sent to his eternal reward (more like his impending respawn), the nymphs turned back to me, Alaria, Stig, and the Naga.

  And now the green-skinned ladies were pissed.

  “TODAY – YOU DIE!” the lead commander bellowed.

  All the nymphs roared along with her and raised their spears to attack –

  “WAIT A MEEEE-NUTE!” a familiar voice yelled out from behind me.

  All the nymphs froze.

  I turned around to see Zali calmly strolling out from the city gates, looking dapper in a pearl grey suit with a lime green ascot.

  “Eee-an! A-laaar-ee-uh! So good to see you!” the hatchetfish said in a delighted voice. Then he turned towards the nymphs. “I see we have a see-tu-ah-see-un.”

  Fuckin’ right, we had a situation.

  And this time, it was in my favor.

  “THAT’S HIM!” I yelled at the nymphs as I pointed at Zali. “THAT’S THE GUY WHO ORDERED ME TO DEFILE YOUR PRINCESS!”

  Zali looked over at me in shock. “What?! No I deeedn’t!”

  Alaria looked at me in surprise, too. “What?”

  “Shh, this is part of the plan!” I whispered gleefully.

  And what a plan it was. I couldn’t beat Zali on my own, so I was going to get an army of angry nymphs to do it for me.

  Enraged that the warlock had ordered the deflowering of their princess (which he hadn’t, but whatever), they would rip him limb from limb – even if they had to die in the process.

  And if they killed me, too, whatever.

  I would resurrect. Zali wouldn’t.

  Checkmate.

  Brilliant, if I do say so myself.

  Maybe not very ethical, but at this point I was all Fuck ethics.

  All ethics was doing was kicking sand in my face while Zali whupped my ass ten thousand times in a row.

  Plus I’d gotten to fuck a hot princess while I was at it. Not a bad day’s work.

  As I awaited my moment of triumph, Zali looked out at the horde of angry nymphs and held up his hands as though trying to calm them.

  “I promise you, I deeedn’t do thees thing he says I deed!” he cried out.

  And then another voice spoke up out of the green-skinned crowd. “He’s telling the truth!”

  I froze.

  Oh shit… I know that voice…

  The front ranks of the nymph army parted, and out walked the princess.

  Still buck nekkid.

  Still looking hot as ever.

  “Not more fucking,” Stig groused beside me.

  “Shhhh,” I whispered.

  The princess turned to the army. “The fish warlock didn’t order the human to fuck me! The human did it to start a war so we would destroy the fish warlock!”

  The entire crowd of nymphs gasped.

  The Naga warriors all turned and stared at me in shock.

  Zali’s reaction was the worst, though.

  “Eeee-an!” he exclaimed, hurt beyond words. “Eee-an… ees thees true?!”

  I felt about two inches tall.

  Just a total shitbag.

  Then Zali grinned and waggled a finger at me like he’d caught me in the cookie jar.

  “You are a very naughty boy, but very clever! You weel keel me yet, I am sure of eet!”

  Nothing like being called out for being a douchebag, then getting patted on the head condescendingly afterwards.

  Try again, I’m sure you’ll do better next time! You will, I promise! We’ll even give you a special trophy for participation!

  Now I wanted to kill the little fucker more than ever.

  “But here’s the thing!” the princess continued yelling. “I WANTED them to fuck me!”

  The nymphs all gasped again.

  “Yes – and they did! BOTH of them! AT THE SAME TIME!” the princess shouted.

  There were wails of anguish from the crowd – although I think most of them were more about sexual frustration than outrage.

  The princess strutted up and down the front lines of the army as she talked, her boobs jiggling with every step. It would have been difficult to pay attention to what she was saying, if what she was saying wasn’t even more provocative.

  “I had both the human and his succubus – and they were AMAZING! Virtually everything that a nymph can have done to her, they did to me – and I LOVED it! Why, I even did – ”

  She mouthed ANAL! in an over-the-top, exaggerated way, like she was shouting but trying to keep silent at the same time.

  The nymphs in the crowd looked like they were about to lose their minds. I definitely saw some spear shafts getting rubbed underneath bronze panties, that was for sure.

  The princess kept going. “For too long, Mother has made you deny your longings! For too long, she has made you fight this insane war, the roots of which have long been forgotten! She tells you the bloodshed must go on until she finds a suitable mate for me – and that you all must suffer in the meantime, forced into celibacy alongside me! Well – NO MORE!

  “You know you want cock! I know you want cock! We all know what goes on in the barracks late at night, when warrior sisters slip into each other’s bunks! Why do we deny it? Why do we deny our bodies what they crave? For some mad old woman, who desires power more than pleasure?! I know what you need – you need release! You need to come, as I came earlier today! You need to experience the pleasure your bodies were created for! Stop this senseless shame, this foolish abnegation!”

  Ho-leeeey shit.

  It was like a porno version of Shakespeare’s Henry V.

  Once more into my breeches, dear friends, once more –

  Or close the hole up with your English dong!

  I was glad the protestors weren’t here anymore, or they would have tried to drown it all out with more hymns.

  Another scream rose up from the crowd, and the queen stumbled through the ranks. She looked absolutely insane with anger.

  “How DARE you!” she screeched at her daughter. “How DARE you undermine me like this!”

  “How dare YOU!” the princess shouted back. “How dare you take away the pleasures of so many, just to feed your insane lust – for POWER!”

  “You know NOTHING of the sacrifices I have made for you!” the queen howled. “You think I don’t feel desire?! You think I don’t fantasize about something long, and hard, and thick between my legs?!”

  “That’s what I’M talking about!” Alaria shouted.

  Everybody turned and stared at her. Literally everybody.

  “I’m just saying,” Alaria said, completely unabashed.

  The queen snarled at her and was about to go back to yelling at the princess –

  “Ahem,” Zali cleared his throat. “If you weel allow me, perhaps I may be of help.”

  “How can YOU possibly be of any help?” the queen raged.

  “Come… come,” Zali said, gesturing for everyone to follow him as he turned back towards the city gates. Then he grinned suggestively at the nymph army. “Perh
aps that is a double entendre, no?”

  “Sir,” a Naga general said in shock, “you are inviting the enemy not only into your city, but your HOME?”

  “I theenk thees is all a misunderstandeeng, General. Please, please, everyone… come.”

  And with that, Zali waddled through the gates and back into Fathmos.

  The queen stared at the princess, and then they both stared at the general.

  The nymph soldiers stared at the Naga warriors, who stared right back at them.

  For a second I thought that fighting would break out again –

  But the queen shrugged and muttered under her breath, “Why the fuck not.”

  She grabbed the train of her dress and followed Zali into Fathmos – followed by the princess, the Naga warriors, and 2000 nymphs.

  We all followed Zali in a procession down the streets of Fathmos, into his home, out the back –

  – and into the fucking sculpture garden.

  Literally the ‘fucking’ sculpture garden.

  As we walked in, the Naga looked around in scandalized amazement.

  The nymphs basically shrieked in agony to see all that erect incubi cock.

  And the queen fell to her knees, overcome with lust.

  I tell you, I have never seen a woman so thirsty as that queen staring at the bukkake exhibit.

  The princess came up behind me and Alaria.

  “Wow… and I thought what we did earlier was nasty,” she said in completely delighted wonderment. “I had no idea.”

  “It was pretty nasty,” I protested.

  Alaria and the princess gave me a look like, Come on, dude.

  I just sighed.

  They were right – it’s not fair to judge amateurs against a professional. And Zali was a professional perv.

  Zali took center stage and turned to the multitudes. “My freends, I theenk you have a problem. The problem is… you are hornee, no?”

  Stifled groans from the nymphs, like women perched on the very edge of orgasm for ten minutes but unable to get off.

  I was strapped to a table and fucked for 24 hours without coming, ladies, I thought silently. This ain’t nothin’. Suck it up.

  “You need to be fucked, no?” Zali asked, and made his hands into fists like he was feeling the humanity. “You need to feel the glorious release of orgasm, no?”

  The nymphs were nearly crying in frustration now.