by A. M. Kusi
“Well, you have five days. Then, this opportunity walks out the door. Literally.”
Ella nodded in understanding.
“I love you, El. You know that, don’t you?” Maggie asked.
Ella answered without hesitation, “Yes.”
“I just want you to be happy.”
“I don’t seem happy?” Ella asked, genuinely curious.
“Much happier than you were when I first met you all those years ago. Something still seems like it’s missing though. Even when Mac was alive, I could sense that you needed something else. Maybe it’s just because I have found the love of my life in Julia, and I want everyone to feel such an abundance of bliss and happiness. There is no feeling in the world like knowing you have a partner to face whatever life throws at you.”
“I know you do. I want that someday too. I just don’t know if I am capable of having that.” Or deserving it.
No. I do deserve to find happiness. I deserve to be loved. Ella corrected her thoughts—a habit she had created for whenever her insecurities were louder than the positive thoughts bolstering her self-esteem.
The idea of opening herself up to a person meant that person would have the potential to hurt her. If she let a man like River in, she risked giving herself to him without knowing if he would reciprocate her feelings. Ella was afraid of giving a man the power to break her. And if that happened she couldn’t afford to check out in depression, and not be fully present when the inn’s success, her and Maggie’s livelihood, depended on it.
River was too different than her. He lived hours away in a big city. He belonged with fancy and well-to-do women—not her.
Maggie gave Ella a hug and then got back to work preparing the guests’ breakfast. Ella took care of her duties, staying busy with paperwork—something that was plentiful with wedding events starting in the coming weeks.
River came down in another suit, for breakfast and coffee. Ella returned his greeting with a smile but decided to put some distance between him and her thoughts.
Ella smelled River’s woodsy cologne as he passed, leaving for whatever work he was doing up at the lodge. She was both nervous and looking forward to seeing him later that afternoon.
A guest in her fifties approached Ella. “Excuse me, dear. Do you think I can get a few more towels and a change of sheets in the Northern Spy room?”
“Absolutely. I will have that taken care of immediately.”
“Thank you. Can you tell me how to get to Burlington?”
Ella proceeded to give the woman directions to the city and offered her some tips on restaurants to try for lunch within walking distance of Church Street, one of the main shopping attractions of the area.
Ella walked up the stairs to the guest hallway, searching for the maids. She spotted Emily first, coming out of River’s suite. “Emily?”
The young college student looked up. “Yeah?”
“The Northern Spy suite needs fresh towels and a linen change as soon as you can.”
“No problem. I just finished cleaning here. I’ll do it now,” Emily said, motioning to the open door behind her of Orchard suite, before heading down the hall.
“Thanks!” Ella said, standing outside River’s room for a moment.
He was in the suite directly opposite her bedroom wall.
There was no sign that he had even been staying in the room. It was spotless and organized except for an empty suitcase on the ground by the wall. That and the fact that the room smelled like him.
Ella was distracted by the phone ringing in the lobby. She quickly shut the door to River’s suite and ran to her desk to pick up the call. She answered with her usual greeting. After no one responded, she spoke in her most intimidating voice. “Look, I’m trying to run a business, and this is not funny.”
With a click, the line went dead. Ella hung up the phone and shook off the irritation.
Picking up a wet cloth, she walked over to wipe one of the tables, glancing out the window. Her hand froze, and she suddenly felt like her lungs were paralyzed and she couldn’t breathe. It had just been a glance, but she thought she had seen him for a second. Declan. Her eyes searched out the window frantically, while the hair on the back of her neck stood up and gooseflesh covered her body. Her heartbeat thudded in her chest, pumping adrenaline through her veins. She was on alert as bile rose in the back of her throat.
After two full minutes of frantically searching, Ella let out a sigh of relief. She figured it must have been a mixture of anxiety and her hyper-reflexes. Her body was always on the lookout for danger, even when she was in a safe environment. Spending time with River was stirring up a lot of things for her; she could admit that to herself now. And together with the lack of sleep and the phone call hang-ups probably added to her being on edge. She needed to call Dr. Reed for an early therapy appointment and tell her about the flashback.
Ella had started seeing Dr. Reed years before, shortly after she had come to The Orchard Inn. Since then, she had been able to work through a lot of the traumas in her life and developed ways to cope.
Luckily, Dr. Reed had a forty-minute appointment available at eleven thirty over Skype.
After they exchanged pleasantries, Ella told Dr. Reed about her flashback, and the episode that had her seeing her ex outside of the inn.
“Is there anything new going on in your life? Maybe something that has been causing you stress lately?” Dr. Reed asked, her picture freezing momentarily on the laptop.
Ella hesitated before answering. “There is a guest staying here who has shown he is interested in me.”
“Do you share an interest in him also?” Dr. Reed asked.
“He’s my guest, so it doesn’t matter,” Ella deflected.
“I think that is an excuse. How do you feel when you are with him?” the therapist asked, leaning closer to the screen.
“I feel things when he is around that I have never felt. I mean, I am very attracted to him. The emotions that swirl through my body when I am near him are so strong, it scares me,” Ella admitted.
“What about it is scary to you?”
“I’m afraid of being hurt by him. If I like him and open myself up to him, he has the potential to ruin me.”
“Is he asking for all of that from you?” Dr. Reed asked, scribbling something down on a piece of paper.
Ella thought for a moment before answering, “No.”
Dr. Reed tapped the pen to her lips seeming to be deep in thought for a moment. “I suggest you start the short relationship with this man, but have no expectations. Use this opportunity to explore what you are comfortable with. He’s asking for friendship and companionship. I have watched you for years as you have worked your hardest to break away from the chains of your past. You still have a hard shell. I know you want to continue your growth, and someday have a family of your own. The first step is always the hardest, and you have already been to hell and back. You can handle this, Ella. You can handle exploring a friendship, or more, with this man you have an attraction to. Just go slow; take your time. You do not have to rush into anything. You can still be in control.”
Ella took a deep breath, considering her therapist’s words. Dr. Reed and Maggie were right; Ella was using the fact that River was a guest as an excuse. What was the worst that would happen from spending time with him—a less-than-five-star review of the inn? She thought River would be above that.
“I do think all of this is stirring things up for you and triggering the flashback. Sometimes the only way out of a fire is through it. And in this case, I think you would be better off pushing yourself. Don’t let your past control your choices. Don’t let him steal your future,” Dr. Reed finished.
“I won’t,” Ella promised.
After the appointment, Ella felt much better and more relaxed than she had before. She was seeing more clearly now. Even though her
therapist had made similar points to Maggie, Ella was glad to have the second opinion, especially from a trusted professional.
Feeling more daring and confident, Ella returned to her work at the front desk.
She kept herself busy for the rest of the afternoon, more aware of her surroundings, and still feeling the need to glance out the windows frequently throughout the day. By six in the evening, she needed something to help take the edge off her mounting anxiety, so she grabbed one of the heart-shaped chocolates from the freezer that Annie had brought her a couple of days ago.
Annie made CBD edibles from homemade chocolate and THC-free cannabidiol oil. Ella used the herb to help with her anxiety.
Ella hadn’t had an episode in so long, and she did not want the reoccurrence to happen in front of River. Annie’s edibles always helped Ella relax just enough without giving her a feeling of being out of control. Her CBD had all the medicinal benefits of cannabis without the “getting high” part.
She popped one in her mouth and enjoyed the melting sensation on her tongue until it was gone, noting the unusual earthy taste in the chocolatey goodness.
She heard the bell above the door jingle. Ella walked out to the lobby and saw it was empty. She turned around and scanned the breakfast nook, finding it too was vacant. Next she searched around the foyer not finding anyone or anything around the corner by the couches. Must have been a guest coming or going.
Ella heard footsteps running up behind her and she panicked.
Declan, she thought in the split second before she turned quickly. Her body smacked into the hard chest of a man as she sucked in a surprised gasp. Before she could fall to the ground, his strong arms caught her, roughly holding her in place.
Chapter 7
Ella stood, stunned, taking in the handsome face and worried hazel eyes gazing so intently back at her. Seeing it was River, not her ghosts chasing after her, she breathed a sigh of relief.
“I’m sorry. I should’ve slowed down. I didn’t see you standing there,” River said, noticing the look of distress on Ella’s face. He seemed reluctant to let her go. Ella took a few heavy breaths, relishing the way it felt to be in River’s arms, it felt right; she fit so perfectly. She knew she should release him, but everything in her body protested the thought. Everywhere his skin met hers, she burned.
Somehow, she managed to find her voice. “I…It’s okay. Like you said, maybe that bell necklace isn’t such a bad idea after all.” She forced a laugh. Any worries she had previously left her mind. The only thing that she could focus on was his hard body against hers. His woodsy scent mixed with her floral perfume, enveloping them. They complemented each other in more ways than one.
Ella watched his Adam’s apple bob as he swallowed, and she fought the urge to kiss it, biting her lip. River leaned his head closer to her. Ella felt his body grow rigid, and saw his jaw tense. She was suddenly aware of his hardness against her thigh, and her eyes widened. She pulled away, and River released her immediately.
“How was your day?” Ella asked, aiming for a question appropriate for any of her guests.
River placed his hands into his pockets before answering, “Good. Listen, I have to call my dad and give him some details about today. Will you be around here for a while?”
“Yes. Emily will be taking over the night shift tonight though.”
River nodded and walked up the stairs to his room.
An hour had gone by when he knocked on the door separating the breakfast nook from the kitchen and peeked his head in. “Ella?”
She felt a warm sensation flood over her limbs, enveloping her body in a blanket. All at once, she felt light, like she might float away on a cloud. She had started to get out some snacks, suddenly craving a mix of textures. Can you crave a texture? The thought of chips and guacamole made her mouth actually water. She was so preoccupied with fully experiencing the crunch of the tortilla chip in her mouth that she didn’t respond at first to River.
“Hey, mind if I come in?” he asked.
Ella closed her eyes and swallowed the creamy, salty deliciousness before turning to look at him. “Come on in!” she answered more enthusiastically than she meant to.
River looked a little taken aback, but he joined her around the island.
“Do you want to taste the best thing you will ever have in your mouth?”
“Uh…sure,” he said, with a sly smirk.
Ella dipped one of the chips into the guacamole before offering it to him. River looked curiously at her, before taking the food from her and tasting it for himself.
“Good, right?” she asked, nodding excitedly.
“Yeah.” He watched Ella eat the chips for awhile before saying somewhat seriously, “So, I was wondering about something you said the other night.”
Ella closed her eyes, in rapture at the sensations erupting from her taste buds. “Mmhmm?” she said, half moan, half response.
River appeared to compose himself, adjusting the waist band of his black sweatpants. Ella noticed beads of sweat had formed on his brow.
He continued, “I know you said Mac was like your dad—where is your mom and biological dad? If you don’t mind me asking.”
“Ughhh.” Ella blew out through her mouth. “First, I need a drink. Are you thirty? I mean, thirsty?” Ella felt like her tongue was numb, but she was also feeling more relaxed around River than she ever had.
“Uh, sure.”
Ella walked over to the fridge and grabbed two beers, setting one in front of River before taking a few sips from her own. “I have no idea where my sperm donor is. He is a name on my birth certificate. My mom is still living across the lake with my stepfather who liked to catch me getting dressed when I lived there…among other things.” Ella felt her face flush hot. She heard the words coming out of her mouth, but it was like someone else was speaking. She would never divulge so much about her past willingly. Then an absurd thought crossed her mind as she seriously considered something. Maybe he really does have superpowers.
River looked shocked. “I…I don’t know what to say to that, Ella. God, that’s so messed up.” Ella watched River’s hands clench. The way he clenched his jaw made her face hurt. He looked angry.
“Yeah, well, I left at sixteen with my own Prince Charming. Guess I showed both of them, huh?” Ella downed her beer as fast as she could.
River studied her for a moment before asking, “Ella, how many drinks have you had tonight?”
“Just this one. Why?” Ella cocked one eyebrow up and looked defensively towards River. To Ella, it looked as if he might be glowing. “Are you magic?” she asked breathlessly.
River stepped closer to her and studied her face. “Ella, are you high?”
“What?” Ella looked at him, incredulous. “No…Oh my god.” Ella touched a few fingers to her mouth with realization. “Does your mouth get numb when you’re high?”
River suppressed a laugh. “Sometimes. What did you take?”
“I didn’t smoke anything.” Ella walked over to the freezer and pulled out Annie’s chocolates. “Annie makes me CBD edibles for my anxiety. CBD doesn’t contain the stuff that gets you high.”
River took the plastic bag of chocolates that Ella was waving frantically in front of his face. “Is it possible she gave you the wrong ones? Ella, I think you’re tripping. There had to be more than CBD or even weed in those.”
“Oh my god!” Ella said, her hand coming to cover her mouth.
“How many did you eat?”
“Just one…oh shit.”
“Hey, it will be okay. Good thing you only ate one,” he said comfortingly.
“Well, I certainly feel amazing—except for the lip thing, I mean,” she said honestly.
“I wouldn’t drink any more if I were you though. Best to ride it out. Maybe sleep it off,” River suggested.
“But I’m not sl
eepy. Just relaxed and yet totally alert at the same time.”
“Well, I can keep you company, and make sure you don’t get yourself into trouble.” He winked.
Ella felt too good to say no. “I think you are so cute when you wink like that.”
River smiled. “Oh yeah?”
“Yeah.” Ella returned the smile. She took a seat on the barstool, and he sat next to her.
“Tell me what happened next, after you left at sixteen.”
“I went to live with my boyfriend for two years, and then came here. He wasn’t a good guy. I don’t want to ruin my mood talking about him. Tell me about you. What was so hard this past year that made you need a vacation in the middle of nowhere so badly?” Ella asked.
“My fiancée only wanted my money and connections. I realized almost everything she ever told me was a lie to manipulate me.”
“Wow. You were engaged?”
“Last year. Why does that surprise you?”
“I don’t know, but it does. I guess it’s because you seem so positive about life and love. I wouldn’t expect that you’d gotten over such a serious break-up so recently.”
“Well, it was eight months ago. And after the initial feelings of betrayal, I realized I was never really in love with her. You can’t truly love someone who doesn’t love themselves. She never cared for me, and I know she uses material things to make herself feel better. She figured if she had the right car, clothes, and husband, then maybe she would be a better person—a lovable person.”
“That’s sad,” Ella said, wondering how she could feel jealousy and sympathy at the same time. Jealousy? I never even got jealous when my ex-boyfriend admitted to cheating on me.
“Well, it helped me realize I was more in love with the idea of us, than I actually was with her. Does that make sense?” he said.
“Yes. The idea of what could be.” Ella thought for a moment before looking out the window as she spoke. “I don’t know if that statement is completely accurate though. I think sometimes, in certain circumstances, you need someone who loves you so much you forget what you dislike about yourself. Finding someone who validates you, empowers you, and makes you feel worthy can make you want to be a better person. They can help you have the motivation to go through the hard stuff. When you’re in the darkest part of your mind, you need someone to sit down with you and point out the stars.”