by A. M. Kusi
A moment of silence passed before Ella asked worriedly, “Is the ground really breathing?”
“That must be some powerful stuff.” River stood and took her arm. “Let me help you to your room. This trip might get worse before it gets better.” His hand grazed one of the raised marks on her forearm. He offered her his hand and took hold of her arm, before glancing down at it.
His touch tingled on her skin. “Do you feel that too? Every time you touch me, I feel like I catch on fire or I’m shot with electricity.”
River looked into her eyes as she stood. He was almost a full head taller than her, but he managed to make her feel like they were eye level.
“Yes,” he confessed in almost a whisper.
Ella felt her breath hitch.
River stared into her eyes for a few long moments. She wondered if he was going to try to kiss her, and for some reason she wasn’t scared.
“Show me where to go,” he said.
Ella pointed to the stairs in the back of the kitchen, afraid to walk. “I can see colors even with my eyes closed. It’s like a whole other world in here. No, wait. I think I found another dimension that exists behind my eyelids.” She wasn’t sure if it was his touch, or whatever Annie had put in the chocolates, but she wasn’t aware of her feet anymore either.
River picked her up in one swift motion, carrying her towards the stairs and through the hall where Ella had pointed.
She breathed him in and relished his closeness. The panic she normally felt at losing control of her senses was significantly dulled. She felt safe for the first time in her life, there in River’s arms. The realization that she was being carried to her bedroom, alone, by the very man she had promised herself she would keep a strict professional relationship with brought her some faint feelings of apprehension. But the truth was, she didn’t care for once. In her current state, she viewed herself not as a human person, but an entity. What use were rules and boundaries when she was unaware of her own body? Ella felt like they were both fluid spirits inhabiting the same living space as the worlds around them; there was no border where she ended and he began.
River passed a door with a sign, Mac’s Suite, and another opposite it that read Office. He continued to the end of the hallway to the only door left and opened it.
He laid Ella gently on the bed, her dress riding up her thighs in the process. He gestured towards the light marks that had been exposed a few inches above her knee. “Who did this to you?” he asked reaching out to touch one of the small scars.
Ella shoved his hand away instinctively, suddenly feeling panicked. “It’s nothing,” she snapped.
“That isn’t nothing.” River took her arm again, touching the place where her skin was raised under her tattoo. He stared at her in horror.
Ella pulled her arm away and crawled up the bed to the corner, tucking her legs under her dress. “It’s none of your business.”
“Ella, who hurt you?” River asked again, more calmly this time. He sat on the bed and reached his hand out to her.
“Don’t touch me!” Ella yelled, as she started crying. She was tripping—the whole room seemed alive with different colors and patterns. She felt the most vulnerable she had in a long time. She was getting sucked deeper into a drug-induced dream that was quickly turning into a living nightmare. She felt trapped, alone in her room, cut off from any help, with a man who could take advantage of her. She didn’t even feel the tears dripping down her cheeks as another memory was triggered.
***
Pain was a feeling Ella was accustomed to. Her life was grey and numb, except for the onslaught of injury from the world in which she lived and the people in it. Sometimes it was her own hand that held the blade to her body, desperate to be in control—a fractured attempt at autonomy. Cutting herself was one way she could release some of the pain and unexpressed emotions bubbling underneath her skin, begging for release.
At first, the cuts were light and shallow. But over time, the incision had to go deeper. It was the only way to reach the relief she so desperately craved, even if it was only temporary.
She was ten the first time she had picked up the razor blade. She’d felt so numb. She’d been curious to see if she would even notice the metal slicing through her once unblemished skin. What she hadn’t expected was that with the pain came a fleeting twisted pleasure she found addictive.
Her thighs looked as if she had taken a wire brush to them from the scarring over the years. She learned that hiding her wounds in places other than her arms was a necessity to keep questions at bay. Her forearms and wrists held the deeper, thicker scars from her attempts at ending it all.
***
River backed away instinctively, seeing the fear in Ella’s trembling body. He felt the color drain from his face. The look in her eyes told him she was terrified of him. “Woah, Ella. I’m sorry.”
He ran his hand through his hair, realizing his mistake.
“I—I would never hurt you…Damn it!” he said in frustration. Things had gotten out of hand. River saw Ella focus on the bright purple bedspread, avoiding his eyes. He knew he needed to calm down and back off.
Ella’s eyes were glassy as she stared off into space, silent for several minutes. River tried to bring her attention back to the present. He looked around the room, running a nervous hand through his hair, until he spotted what he was searching for.
Chapter 8
The picture of the older man on the desk was like the others throughout the inn, except it had more color. The face was so realistic, he had thought it was an actual photo at first glance. He saw the signature in the bottom-right corner of the frame, E.S.
“Ella Shaw. Are you E.S.? Did you do all the artwork in the inn?”
Ella blinked a few times, finally coming out of her daze. “Yes.”
“Is this Mac?”
“Yes.”
“He looks happy. You captured a whole personality in this portrait. I almost feel like I know him.”
“Do you believe in reincarnation?”
“I don’t know…maybe. I never really thought of it. You?”
“I don’t believe in anything.”
They spent a moment in silence, River trying to decide whether she would be safe if he left her alone to sleep this off. He had a strong feeling he should stay, and Ella’s next question only confirmed it.
“Do you hear the music?”
River turned to her. “No, Ella. There is no music. Try to lie down and sleep. I’m sorry about before. I won’t come near you; I promise. I am going to stay in the room though in case you try something that could hurt yourself or need help.”
“I don’t think I will be able to sleep,” Ella said, pulling the covers over her body and lying down.
“Okay.” River hesitated a moment, knowing he needed to get a hold of Maggie and find out what Ella might be on. One thing was clear: she needed his protection. He opened the door to leave, but heard Ella whisper his name. “Yeah?”
“Thank you.”
“Where is your phone Ella?” he asked.
She took a moment to respond, “The kitchen I think.”
“I’m just going to get your phone and call Maggie. I’ll be right back.”
Ella nodded.
River quickly made his way down to the kitchen and searched for Ella’s phone. He found it on the counter, but when he tried to open it, he saw the passcode lock. He ran back up to Ella and heard her voice through the cracked door. He hesitated, listening for a moment.
“I miss you, Mac. So much it hurts. It hurts all the time, except when he is around. I won’t forget the promise I made.”
After a moment, River opened the door and saw her staring down at the picture she had drawn of Mac in her hands. She didn’t seem to notice him, so he said, “Ella, I need you to unlock your phone.”
Ella set the pic
ture on the nightstand by her bed and grabbed the iPhone. She glanced at the screen and immediately scrunched her eyes closed as if she was in pain. “Ahh, I can’t look at it. It hurts,” she said, looking up to him through squinted, glossy eyes. “Three, five, zero, four.”
“I’m gonna call Maggie.”
“I love Maggie. She is the best friend in the whole world.”
“I’m sure she is,” River commented, distracted as he searched her contacts for Maggie’s name.
“No, you don’t get it. She really cares about me. She loves me even though I came from…where I did. She helped me believe I was worth fighting for again. Her, Mac, and Annie. They all loved me more than my own mother.”
River had found Maggie’s name and his thumb hovered above it. He paused, listening to Ella’s admission. “I know a little something about being loved by someone who didn’t have to and being abandoned by someone who was supposed to take care of me.”
Ella looked up incredulous. “You? Mister Rich City Boy Executive? Someone actually abandoned you?”
“Why are you so surprised?” He felt insulted that she thought of him like that.
“Because I think you’re irresistible.”
Any offended feelings he had evaporated. River cleared his throat and pressed his thumb on the Call icon. It was eight in the evening, so he expected Maggie to answer.
She did. “Hey, girl. What’s up?”
“Hello, Maggie. It’s River Parker.” Like she knows another guy named River. “I’m calling because Ella took something. She said she ate one of the chocolates from Annie. I don’t know if I should take her to the hospital or just have her wait it out. She’s tripping, and I don’t feel safe leaving her alone.”
“Oh my god! I need to call my mom and get back to you. Don’t leave her; stay there until I call you back.”
“O—” He heard the phone disconnect. “Kay,” he finished. “I just called Maggie and she said she would call her mom and get back to us.” River searched around the room for somewhere to sit, knowing Ella wanted her space on the bed. He located a chair at her small desk and pulled it closer to her.
A moment later her phone rang, and he answered it after seeing Maggie’s name on the caller ID. “Hello?”
“Mom and I are on our way. Just stay with her until we get there. River?”
“Yeah?”
“Thank you. I am sure Ella is scared. She doesn’t even get drunk so give her space and know that she has never done anything like this before.”
“Oh, of course. No worries.”
“See you in fifteen minutes.”
River heard the roar of an engine in the background and then the line cut out.
“She’s on her way,” River explained to Ella who was breathing rapidly and scanning the room frantically.
“Hey, deep breaths.” He moved his chair closer, so he was right next to the bed, facing her.
Ella nodded and deepened her breathing. “Tell me something to distract me.”
River thought for a moment. “Uh, like what?”
“Like why you are living life in a way you don’t seem to be happy with?”
River felt her words hit him. She had a way of cutting through his bullshit and getting straight to the heart of the matter. “I—I don’t know. I just…never felt that I fit in with my family; like something was missing, I guess. I thought if I did all the right things and lived the dream that everyone else tries to achieve, that maybe someday it would just click, and I would be content.”
“Yeah? One thing I have learned from my mistakes—and believe me, there have been several—is that if it doesn’t feel right, it isn’t. If it feels right, it is. That is not to be confused with feeling good, because sometimes what feels good isn’t the right thing. Does that make sense? Or is it the chocolate talking?” Ella asked,
“Do you always choose the right thing now?”
“I did until I met you,” Ella admitted.
River was stunned by her admission. “How so?”
“You feel right, and good, and scary all at the same time. You make me feel like I don’t know how to breathe when you’re around. You feel right, but that can’t be. I think my moral compass is broken.”
“You feel right to me too, Ella. How can it be wrong if I feel it too?”
“Because I’m not good enough.”
“You couldn’t be more wrong, Ella.”
“You want to know who hurt me? Who gave me these scars?” Ella lifted her arms in front of her before ripping the comforter off, and pulling up her dress to show the hundreds of tiny scars that covered her thighs.
She held his eyes, locking him in with what he read as a challenging gaze.
“Yes,” he answered calmly.
“Me. I did this to myself.”
River felt as if the air had been sucked out of the room. He felt the white hot anger subside to confusion and disbelief at the realization that Ella had done this to herself. Ella was a cutter. “Why?”
Ella stared down at the white slashes.
River waited patiently as the minutes dragged on. She stared off in space, seeming lost deep in thought.
“Because I didn’t love myself. Because I needed control over my own body, and the pain that I held inside needed to be released. Because I deserved it. Because I needed help, and no one heard my silent screams. Because I wanted to feel something. Because I was angry at myself for not being stronger, for not leaving, for not believing I deserved better. Whatever I tell you won’t change the fact that now you will see me differently, as damaged goods. River, I’m not good enough for you.” Ella covered herself back up with the bright purple comforter.
River was speechless. He didn’t know what to say or do. He wanted to comfort her, to hold her and tell her everything would be okay. Her words also set warning bells off in his mind. She had done this because she didn’t love herself, making her incapable of truly loving someone. History repeating itself.
“How long has it been?” he asked.
“I slipped six months ago. Before that, it had been four years.” Ella stared down at her hands.
The door opened and Maggie, followed by Annie, entered the room. “Oh, Ella! I am so sorry. I gave you the batch of chocolates I made for my knitting circle by accident.”
“Your knitting circle was supposed to get those?” River asked the silver-and-blue-haired woman, stunned.
Annie looked at River, seeming to take him in for the first time with a knowing glance. “I’m Annie; Magdalena’s mother. Yes. Knitting gets taken to a whole other level when you add ’shrooms to the mix,” she said as if it made all the sense in the world.
“Oh,” River said, glancing down at her bare feet before standing, heading towards the door.
Annie sat on the bed with Ella. “You’re safe, my dear. So, open yourself up to whatever message the spirit realm may have for you; to the higher consciousness.”
Maggie followed River to the door. “River, I can’t thank you enough for taking care of Ella and calling me. We have her from here.”
River nodded. “Let me know if she needs anything.”
“I will.”
River turned and left, closing the door to Ella’s room behind him before making his way back to his suite. His thoughts were at war with his heart, and he knew that he wouldn’t sleep as he wrestled to find a solution.
River had stayed up late the night before working on his presentation for the day and was looking forward to getting it over with so that he could come back to the inn and hopefully see Ella. However, that morning he could see any layers he had broken through at dinner were now back up between them. River sensed Ella needed space, so he gave it to her. He couldn’t help but notice the floral dress Ella wore that morning. It displayed one of his favorite features about a woman, with her necklace drawing attention to
the place he wanted to explore the most. He had tried to focus on his breakfast and laptop. He needed to go over the plan for the resort and think less of the new tattoo discovery on Ella’s collarbone. It was script that said, Perfectly imperfect. He had wondered what made Ella think any part of her could be less than perfection. Now, he knew.
River had been shocked to hear that the beautiful and seemingly perfect, Ella, had harmed herself. Knowing it was only recently made it that much worse. He replayed her words as he climbed into bed. I slipped six months ago. Before that, it had been four years.
He remembered that she told him Mac had passed at that time. It was then that River realized that the reason she had relapsed was because someone close to her had died. He kicked himself for not saying something to her. Instead, he had gaped silently in anger and confusion.
River picked up his laptop and opened the search engine. He typed, Why do people self-harm.
River spent the next several hours reading information from doctors, therapists, and firsthand accounts. By the time he drifted off to sleep, it was nearly two in the morning and he felt just as conflicted as when he first sat on his bed.
***
Ella woke to an empty room. The sun was streaming into the window, and she winced as the previous night’s events came rushing back to her. She remembered watching River leave her bedroom, although it had looked more like the wall had eaten River than him walking out the door. She had just kept telling herself that she would be okay.
She glanced down at her body. Ella hadn’t tattooed her thighs because she wanted a visual reminder of where she used to be and how far she had come. A reminder to avoid men who could hurt her or cause her to want to hurt herself. All her scars were older.