by A. M. Kusi
The good times never lasted. Throughout Ella’s life, there had been many peaks and valleys. Each time something was going well for her, or she felt safe because her mother had broken up with one of her abusive boyfriends, there was always a severe pit that followed. Ella learned that she always had to be on alert for danger. Always waiting for the other shoe to drop when things began looking up. If something seemed good, it probably wasn’t.
River nodded. He placed his hand on hers, the sensual touch warming her. “You don’t have to tell me anything you don’t want to, but I would love to hear your story and understand how you ended up with him.”
Ella thought about it, feeling his thumb brush the soft flesh of her hand comfortingly. He needed to know just how opposite they were so that he could leave before she grew any more attached to him. She needed to show him who she really was and where she came from.
She continued, “After Mac, my mother claimed the next boyfriend was the one. Mitch Lewis soon became my stepfather. When I was a little girl, I would fantasize about my real father coming home one day and rescuing me and my mother from the cesspool that we lived in. I just wanted to be wrapped safely in his arms and know everything would be okay.
“He never showed up. My mother didn’t offer much information on him except a name on my birth certificate—Robert Hayes—and the fact that he left when he found out about me. I don’t even know what he looked like.” The memory brought her feelings of anger and pain.
“I had always wondered why my mother allowed herself and her own daughter to be mistreated. That morning after Declan’s attack, a realization hit me with so much force, I had to sit down. I was in the same situation as my mother. And I was choosing to stay in it. I was repeating the cycle.”
Her fingers fidgeted in her lap and she continued. “I wondered how I got there, to be the person I swore I never would emulate. Declan wasn’t always like that. There was a time when, at least I believed, he never would have laid a hand on me. He was my protector. He was sweet, and even romantic sometimes. He offered his apartment to me when I had nowhere to go at sixteen. He was twenty-one, with a good job. I couldn’t stay home anymore because my new stepfather liked to accidentally show up in the bathroom while I was showering, and there was the one night he came into my room.”
River pulled her tighter to his chest, and she felt protected as she bared her trauma to him.
“I continued going to high school at first, but I had to drop out and get a job to support both of us when Declan was fired. At the time, I believed it wasn’t his fault. I let him isolate me from anyone who could help: a few well-meaning teachers, or people at my job who had noticed the marks. Declan had convinced me they were against us, against him. I needed to protect him and stand up for him because no one else in his life did.”
Ella let out a chuckle of disbelief. “I had been desperate to be the one who could break through to him. I thought if I could show him pure love and dedication through all the shit he threw at me, then maybe he could be healed. Maybe I could save him. Declan was the only one who had been able to understand me, and who had tried to protect me. He had a mysterious side and his own demons to fight; but that was all part of what was so alluring about him. We were just two broken people trying to help each other—at least that was how I used to see it. Then I started feeling controlled rather than protected. I felt used, rather than loved. I felt…abused. I could finally recognize the fact that I was being abused.” A tear escaped as she recounted their tumultuous relationship.
Ella continued, “At first, I blamed the drinking. He only did it when he was drunk. He was always so remorseful the next day. Then it was only when he was doing drugs, or when he was just having a bad day. Then it was because I didn’t have his meal ready when he came home from work, or we were out of milk, or when I did something to piss him off. Somehow, once in a while turned into almost every day. Things got so bad I almost left him once, but he locked us both in a room and threatened to kill himself. After he broke down, he promised to go to rehab. When he came back fourteen days into a thirty-day treatment, he seemed to be doing so much better. Things were amazing for a while. He bought me gifts, he even offered to do the dishes one night, something he usually referred to as women’s work. That was the high before the lowest of lows came. He strangled me until I lost consciousness because I wouldn’t…do what he wanted.” Ella hesitated, looking down at her hands momentarily. She felt his muscles grow rigid before she continued.
“I realized he would take my life before I would get through to him. I wasn’t ready to sacrifice myself. I actually thought that was selfish of me at the time. I was a people pleaser. Now, I know that there was nothing I could have done. I know I can’t change another person.”
River nodded, and Ella said, “I took the only money I had saved and paid the first trucker I saw heading back to his rig twenty bucks to drive me to the Amtrak station. The rain started pouring when I got there and I got soaked. I didn’t care though. My body was focused on only one thing: escape.”
River waited patiently while she paused.
“I went to the last place Declan would ever think to look for me. The last place I felt safe. I decided not to tell Tina, my mom, where I was. She would most likely tell Declan, buying his act of love and remorse. That was what it was—I finally realized—an act. Maybe he did really love me, maybe he was actually sorry, but I didn’t want that kind of love anymore. I now know words mean almost nothing when it comes to a person’s character; it is their actions that show their true colors. I had finally opened my eyes to his colors.”
River nodded. “Real love doesn’t hurt like that. If someone told you they loved you and then they hurt you physically, mentally, and emotionally, that’s not love.”
Ella smiled as she spoke, “I remember walking up to the front desk, a cold and soggy mess with basically only the clothes on my back. I saw the midnight complexion of the kind man’s face at the counter while he focused on something he was organizing. His hair and beard were a little more greyed than the last time I had seen him. For a moment, I started second guessing my plan. How could I expect this man to help me? But just when I thought about turning around and leaving, he looked up and greeted me. He recognized me, and the words fell out of my mouth before I could stop them. I told him I needed his help. He said I could have a home there as long as I needed, on the condition I didn’t go back. Mac never judged me. Mac was the father I never had, and always needed. He gave me his last name and a second chance at life.”
Now River knew almost everything. Ella realized she felt lighter after having shared pieces of her past with him, no matter how ugly they were. She was all or nothing. If he couldn’t handle all of this, it was better to find out now.
River took a deep breath; he seemed to be processing everything Ella had shared.
“You have been through so much. I’m glad you and Mac had each other.”
Ella looked into his eyes, seeing so much empathy there that drew her to him. She stared at his mouth, and bit her lip before parting them, longing to taste his kiss. River leaned closer, his eyes darkening with desire. She could feel his hot breath against her mouth, and closed her eyes in expectation.
An ear-piercing scream interrupted the moment. They both jolted upright, turning to face where the noise had come from.
Chapter 12
Ella’s face flushed red. A man hiking with a young boy just a few feet down the path from them spoke, “Sorry. My son thought he saw a snake.”
River smirked at Ella and grabbed the backpack, quickly storing their wet shirts and water bottles inside. She stood, dusting off her wet shorts even though it was pointless. They made their way back up the trail to the car in silence.
River glanced over to her from time to time with a smile. Ella returned the gesture, but her mind was racing. The reality of their situation came back to hit her in full force. She remained sil
ent, though there was a war of emotions and thoughts raging inside her head. She had no business kissing her guest, much less spilling her life story to him. He had helped her though and had deserved an explanation.
They reached the car, and she hesitated. “I don’t want to get your seat dirty. I’m a mess.”
“I have something in the back.” River grabbed two small fleece blankets from his trunk and they each placed one over their seats before getting in the hot car. River started the engine and rolled down the windows. “I can’t remember the last time I had that much fun.”
“Really?”
“Yeah. I mean, it’s no knitting circle.” River laughed. He waited a moment before he asked, “What’s going on in that head of yours?” He turned as best as he could in the car to face her.
Ella sighed. “You’re my guest, River—”
“Oh, please. I thought we were past that. I’ll go stay somewhere else if that is the only thing getting in the way of this,” he said, motioning his hand between the two of them.
“It’s more than that and you know it. You live in Boston, and my home and business are here. What would this be except just a few more days of fun? I don’t do casual. I don’t even do relationships. I just told you all the reasons why this won’t work. We both know it has to end sometime.” Everything good does. “Let’s not forget the fact that this bothers you. I saw your face last night; it disgusts you,” she said, pointing to her thigh where a few of the small scars could be seen under the line of her shorts.
“You don’t disgust me, Ella. Is that what you think of me? First you thought I was going to hurt you and take advantage of you while you were high as a kite. Now you think I am disgusted by you? What kind of person do you think I am?” River asked, getting angry. “I have plenty of opportunities for one-night stands if I wanted that, believe me; but that isn’t me, Ella.”
Ella felt a surge of jealousy. She was projecting the example of the men in her life onto River, even though he had proven the opposite through his actions. “I’m sorry. You didn’t deserve that.” Ella looked him in the eyes. “I don’t think I can do this. My life is a mess; you saw that today.” She looked away.
River gently turned her chin back to him before speaking, “You’re worth it, Ella.”
Ella felt a warm wave wash over her body. It was different than anything she had felt before; this wasn’t attraction, rather, something deeper taking seed within her. She felt the tears well in her eyes. River thought she was worth it.
He turned down the radio. “Give me a chance. Give us a chance,” he asked. “I’ll travel here, and we can take it slow and just get to know each other. If it doesn’t work out, then no harm done, right?”
“Slow?” Ella asked.
Her question seemed to give him hope. “As slow as you need.”
Ella bit her lip, and River leaned forward like he might try and kiss her.
“Okay,” she agreed, trusting her gut that River was safe. If he had wanted to leave when things got hard, she figured it would have been after the episode with Declan.
“Thank you,” he said, his words surprising Ella.
“I am the one who should be thanking you, for taking care of me last night, and stepping in today with Declan. I have never had anyone do that before.”
“No thanks needed,” River said, “I was just doing what any good human should.”
Ella nodded, looking back to her hands. “Why did you say I was your girlfriend?”
River explained, “I have a little sister, and she brought to my attention the fact that some men won’t back off unless they see another man has staked his claim, as absurd as that sounds. She told me that she commonly has to tell guys she has a boyfriend, even going as far as keeping a fake engagement ring in her bag. It pisses me off that some men don’t take a woman’s ‘no’ as an answer, placing her value solely on how she belongs to another man: a girlfriend, wife, mother, or sister.”
Ella looked over at him, feeling her chest swell with pride at the same time as she felt wet heat pooling between her thighs. “Some guys are Neanderthals.”
They laughed.
“I’m starving, and these sandwiches are not going to cut it.” River said, taking the food from the bag before handing Ella one, and taking a bite of his own.
Ella felt her stomach gurgle at the mention of food and hoped he hadn’t heard it. She hadn’t eaten since the chips and guacamole the previous night. She glanced at the clock, seeing it was 5:40. “Well, if we go back to the inn, we can get cleaned up. I don’t feel like going out tonight.”
“Oh,” River said, sounding disappointed.
“Are you in the mood for salmon and grilled veggies?”
River nodded almost too excitedly. “Yes! I mean, that sounds great.”
He drove them back to the inn, taking the ten-minute drive as an opportunity to talk about lighter things. River told her his ideas of ways she could market her business online.
“I need to write this all down. I learn better by watching and doing it at the same time,” Ella said, opening the car door and climbing out.
“I can show you over dinner if you want?” River offered, following her towards the inn.
“That would be nice, thanks,” she said, entering through the front door to find Maggie at the desk.
Ella glanced towards her friend’s knowing smile and then back to River. “See you in an hour?”
“Sounds perfect.” River waved to Maggie before he took the stairs to his suite.
Once River was out of earshot, Maggie asked, “So, how did your hike go?”
Ella’s cheeks flushed. “You set me up.”
Maggie feigned innocence. “I don’t know what you mean.”
“Those tuna sandwiches were wrapped and prepared with dill, Maggie. Really?” Only Maggie made Tuna with dill.
“He said he was going hiking and wanted you to go too. I only encouraged you. Live a little. You needed a break. And you had to get out of this place after everything that happened.”
Ella knew her friend was right. There was something about River that helped her forget her worries and enabled her to just be in the moment when he was around.
“You are a mess; you better get changed for your date,” Maggie said, with just a touch of an I told you so in her voice.
Ella rolled her eyes. “We are eating here tonight. Want to join us?”
“No way. Amber is coming to take over the night shift and I am going to go home to my wife and daughter. Lucas said to call him if you need anything, day or night.”
“Thanks Maggie,” Ella said, reaching over the front desk to give her friend a hug before heading towards the kitchen. “For everything.”
She walked up the back stairs to her room and took off her wet bottoms and River’s shirt, smelling him on it one last time before dropping it in the laundry basket. She jumped into a hot shower, welcoming the warmth on her still partially frozen body. Ella took her time, and the bathroom was heavy with steam when she shut off the water and dried herself.
She chose a pair of black skinny jeans with a strip of see-through lace down the sides of her legs. Ella remembered her bra this time and pulled a grey spaghetti strap top on over it. She brushed her hair and looked at her reflection in the mirror. She was actually going on a date. It meant she and River were going to cross a line that she had feared for a long time. As slow as I need it to go. She smiled, remembering River’s words.
Ella pulled her hair into a messy bun on top of her head and went down to the kitchen to start their dinner.
Chapter 13
When River got to his room, he stripped down naked and showered right away. He was excited for the evening ahead. Remembering their conversation in the car, River chuckled to himself and sang an off-tune version of “Thunder” by Imagine Dragons while he soaped himself up.
; Thirty minutes later, he was dried and changed. He still had fifteen minutes, so he decided to give his best friend a call—Jaxton hadn’t returned his last three messages.
The phone rang four times before a tired voice answered on the other end. “Hey, man.”
“Hey, bro. I thought you’d dropped off the face of the earth,” River said.
“Nah, man. I have just had a lot going on. You know how it is.”
“Yeah? Work stuff or personal?” River asked.
“What about you? How is Vermont? Isn’t that a part of Canada? Do they speak English there or French?” Jaxton asked, forcing a laugh.
River laughed. “No. I’m still in the States, smart-ass. Pretty close to Canada though. It sure is different here.”
“Yeah? Well when you get back, shoot me a text and we can meet up. Hope you’re staying in shape; the guys at practice missed you.”
River loved playing soccer; it was how he and Jaxton met. River remembered feeling an instant bond to the only other kid of color on the team at fifteen. “You know I am. Sounds good…I met someone,” River admitted.
“All the way up there in Vermont? Is she a local?” Jax asked, sounding cautious.
“Yeah, she owns the inn I’m staying at.” River could hear the real question in his friend’s voice. His father wouldn’t be happy with someone long-distance keeping River from his business duties.
“I’m happy for you, man. Can’t wait to meet her,” Jax said.
“Yeah, hopefully. Just getting to know her, but there’s something different about her.”
Jax laughed. “Oh boy, you’re in deep.”
River chuckled, but sensed something was off. “You sure you’re okay, Jax?” He pressed. “Anything I can help you with?”