Accompanying song: “I can get it Back” by Zack Hemsey (Instrumental)
Holy shit.
Sebastian played me. But how is it possible? Whenever I saw him, nobody admitted he was truly there. They all told me that I was nuts for thinking he even existed. And my roommate, how could she not know? It doesn’t make any sense.
Everything is a lie, and yet I don’t understand why; why did he do all this?
“You were the one who brought me to the hospital, and you came back every fucking time! You lied to me!”
“Yes, Lillith, you’re right. I lied to you. I made you think you were insane. It was all part of the plan, all done because of those books and the decree we … the club … lives by.”
“Holy crap …” I blow out a long breath.
“I know it’s a big thing, but let me explain.”
“And how would I know what you’re going to tell me isn’t a lie? You’ve been lying to me this whole time.”
He grabs my hand. “Because I’m done lying. I’m done working with them, done with all the perversions, done with damaging you. I’m doing this because I think it’s right. It’s time you learned the truth.”
He rummages in his pocket and takes out a notebook. “In here is where I write the details that I should remember, so that I can write the book that will become their downfall. You should read it.” He holds it out to me. “You’ll find my darkest secrets hidden within.”
Sebastian’s Notebook
Facility 2 – January 29th, 2013
I’ve brought her to the Summermount facility as instructed, one of the facilities we own, where fake doctors and nurses are stationed just to keep up the façade. It pains me to leave her here, in this place that harbors and masks all our sickness with lies, but I know that I must. Even if I saved her from them, I cannot save her from myself.
In order to survive, I must complete this assignment. They will kill me if I don’t.
By defying him in the train, Hubert has made me a target. I could see it in his eyes, the need for vengeance. He thrives on his pride, but it will ultimately be his undoing. I will see to it.
I made a daring choice when I chose to spare her from them, but it also cut into my soul. There was only one way to save her and it was by declaring her as my next victim, my next assignment.
Hubert himself forced the book that I was reading now upon me. I picked books that weren’t up his alley. ‘Too easy and weak’ he called them. I call them sane. Alas, he is one of the grand players and thus has the most say in what happens, including what books I read. I am their slave, not a worthy part of the group.
I do not wish to be anything to them except their enemies.
Still, I know that I must complete the assignment in order to keep their trust. The only way to defeat a festering wound is by cutting out the heart. I will do just that to the group, but the only way I can do it is by having their complete trust.
So I will make her my objective. The girl will become my slave. I will use her and seduce her, bend her to my will until she no longer knows wrong from right. She will come to love me and then I have to let her fall.
It is all written in this book. The paper dictates the rules. The written word is law.
By saving her, I made a choice that cannot be undone. Instead of succumbing to their grasp, she will succumb to me.
Sebastian’s Notebook
April
Every day I visit her room, whisper sweet words into her ear, and make her feel appreciated. It is in here, in this little book that I hold, on the pages that I read with trembling fingers that remind myself that I will have to continue. The guilt weighs down on me like a stone brick that I drag along every single day, but I cannot quit. For if I do, I will die.
What choice is right when lives are at stake? Who would make the choice between living and dying? Who could give up their own life for someone else’s, someone they barely know?
This girl … this girl haunts me. Her innocence has been laced with evil from the very beginning. From the moment those men spotted her mother, I knew that she was doomed as well. I tried to keep her out of it, tried to keep her safe, thinking then at least one would be rescued. Of course, it never works out as I imagine.
Now she is here, totally smitten with me.
Every day, her hunger, her desire for me, grows. I don’t know why she has forgotten everything that happened, but perhaps it’s for the best. If she’d remember, it would only add to the difficulty of my task. In my mind, I turn her into a doll, a lifeless puppet, while I dream of fucking her brains out for the sake of my assignment. Just for the sake of my sanity, to keep myself from falling into darkness. If I do, it will be done. I can let go of it all.
But she won’t let me. Those eyes … Jesus, those sparkling eyes and that amazing smile have me mesmerized. The way she looks at the world, so innately obsessed with all things that hold weakness like leaves blowing down a road, small birds trying their best to fly for the very first time, tiny flowers she wishes would bloom … it is so beautiful to look at her face when she does that. She reminds me of a child—innocent and filled with wonder, excitement, and unending eagerness.
It is such a shame that I have to crush it all.
Sebastian’s Notebook
I watch her from the sidelines—in the dining hall, in her room, in the yard, and where they pretend to counsel her. Sometimes she spots me, but then I leave in a blink. I cannot risk her knowing that I’m real.
I’m always there, lurking in the shadows, keeping up with her progress. She seems to have become obsessed with me. The so-called doctors and nurses have told me that they’ve seen her talking to herself. She says she hears my voice, my name, everywhere she goes. She has taken this illusion to a whole new level. I am amazed at her ability to cope, but at the same time I feel gutted for knowing it’s all fake.
Just like any other victim stuck in one of our facilities, she is trapped in a room and made to believe that she’s sick, that she has a psychological issue. Her room is filled with contraptions that allow us to play with her mind. A light that shines with a spectrum of colors, making it possible to alter her sense of reality. Beds easily shifted, pulled into the wall, hidden from plain sight by a simple mechanism. Doors can be unlocked without the need for anyone to physically be there. A small remote is all that’s needed for each device to work. Her roommate was carefully selected out of all our victims. She’s a girl who refuses to speak, which is fortunate, because I don’t want anyone to tell her that I’m truly there.
The people we hired for this facility keep up the façade. They pretend to care for the patients in exchange for an extra paycheck and the reassurance that their families will be kept alive and safe. Now they have her convinced that I do not exist. They make her believe the notes that I write are actually her handwriting. I make people lie.
I do it because I have to. She has to think that I’m a figment of her fantasy. It is all a part of our job, our assignment. There are two outcomes to the books that we read—the victim dies or becomes insane. Happily-ever-after does not exist. Life isn’t a fairy tale; it is hell itself.
So I choose the latter. I need her to live. Not because one is a lesser evil. Not because of the book or because of my assignment. Screw the code. I want her to live for me. That way I could feel just a spark of pride from what I had done. I will make her forget everything they … we … did to her, so that she can live in peace.
It is the only gift that I can give her. The only thing that would perhaps lighten the heinous crimes we have committed. And maybe it would lift a small ounce of my guilt and set my conscience free.
Sebastian’s Notebook
Our nightly talks and kisses have turned into something more than just a game. I can feel myself changing with time. She makes me see the world in a different way. She gives me hope where all hope is lost.
She is beautiful, but I cannot let myself drift into this wicked love. It isn’t right. It isn’t healthy. And even
though I have come to yearn her body, I must remind myself that this is all for the greater good. Giving her pleasure is for the greater good.
Complete the assignment. Make her believe this is a real facility. Fuck her into oblivion as the book describes. Free her from her memories. Stay alive.
That is all that matters.
Except, I want more and more from her. She wants more from me, too.
She says she needs me to take the pain away. I don’t understand how she can give herself so willingly to me, the man who made her nightmares come true. Each word she speaks only adds to the layer of guilt that I place upon myself. I tell myself that I can resist, for the sake of my own life, but the more time I spend with her, the more infatuated I become with her.
I am too interested in her, too willing to take her and claim her as my own. She gives in to everything I say and make her do. Obeys my every word and begs me for pleasure. The things she does to rile me up makes me want to give her everything that feeds my wicked, dirty soul.
Even if I weren’t such a bad man for playing a part in the games these men play, I still would love the domination, the power, the trust that I have with her. How she worships the fucking ground that I walk on. I live for that look on her face, that gaze of utter devotion, those pouty lips that plead to be kissed, that ass that demands to be spanked, and that pussy that purrs for attention.
I can’t deny the strong gravitation between us, the pull she has on me. She’s the perfect woman, someone who needs what I give and who will let me take control. I’ve always needed to control … always wanted it when I couldn’t have it, and now she freely offers it to me. It’s too good to refuse. I feel the need to protect her, and it’s becoming hard to ignore.
She says that I’m her hero. It couldn’t be further from the truth.
A hero doesn’t save the heroine from himself. The monster isn’t outside the castle, but in her bed, fucking her until the night is over.
Saving her from them was a very wicked, random fluke in the grand design. Now, I am bound to her. I try my best to fix what I have broken. To recover what is left of both our souls.
A thought can’t help but weave itself into my mind. What if? What if this happened on purpose? What if I was supposed to see her first, that day at the charity event? What if all that the men did to her and her family and friends, and all that I am doing now, is in preparation of what’s to come?
Suddenly, it dawns on me.
She could be it. The one thing that drives me to put a stop to it.
There’s no denying it, I can already feel it happening. Feelings. They pop up out of nowhere. I actually want her to be happy. Like I owe it to her. I do, and even if I don’t want to feel it, it’s still there, eating at my heart. My biggest desire is for her to be happy.
So I fuck her. I give her all the love she wants. I take and give and make her forget. It’s what I do best. What I’ve always done best … And for the first time in my life, I make a choice that isn’t solely based on selfishness.
I give her a key. A key that will set her free.
It’s her biggest wish. I have no choice but to grant it. I want her to be the first to survive, to live on and be happy.
But it won’t come without a price. My assignment will be gone and the men will not take it lightly. I will have to find a way to replace her.
However, knowing that she’s out and free thrills me like nothing else did before. She is free. I succeeded in my goal of thwarting their plans. Giving something the life it deserves. Setting loose a bomb that could possibly mean their end.
She holds the secret to our sickness, our demise.
If the word gets out, the world will know what we have done.
Sebastian’s Notebook
Providence, Rhode Island – April 20th, 2013
Genesis has turned me into a monster. A cruel being who does nothing to save the men they slaughter and the women they abuse. A vile creature who stalks the prey and captures it for the group. I hate myself for even allowing this to spiral out of control.
Letting her go is a triumph.
But I should’ve put a stop to it long ago.
Their power and money are endless. No ordinary force will stop them. There is only one way.
Defeat them in their own game.
I will write a book that will force their demise. If I can’t hurt them by normal means, I will destroy them from the inside out. All I need is time.
However, I didn’t expect her to show up at the door to my gym.
Her appearance baffles me to the point of rage. She was supposed to run, get out, be free, live her life, and stay safe. She was supposed to be the first to get away. And yet, here she is, right in front of me. I stare into her beautiful eyes filled with desire, laced with pain, and lie to her face.
I tell her that I don’t know her.
I tell her to leave.
Every word that I utter hurts me to the point of wanting to scream.
From the way that her face scrunches and her smile withers, I can tell that it must feel to her as if I’m twisting a knife into her heart.
I am. I know that I am, and I know that I must. She has to stay away—for her own safety, as well as mine. The men want her inside the facility, under their control and constant monitoring so they can use and abuse her. I set her free to avoid that, but now she’s come to me like a bee that buzzes to the flower. I am the nectar she so desperately seeks.
It’s wrong on so many levels. She has to know, has to believe that I am a cruel and vicious monster for taking part in Genesis’ games. She has to know that I am not the man she seeks, even though I wish I could be just that. She is a beauty and I am not worthy of the love she wants to give me.
So I punish her for following me, spank her for misjudgment, and make her think that she should run.
She should definitely run.
Run as far as her little fairy feet will take her.
Sebastian’s Notebook
Added entry
If only she would.
Of course, she didn’t. It is my fault. Has been since the moment I saw her. I warned her about the impending change, the horrors that were about to come, and yet I did nothing to prevent it. I was the one who seduced her, who talked to her when no one else would bat an eye at her, the one who gave her compassion and support when no one else was there to give it to her. It is because of my actions that she came to need me the way that she did.
It was always my fault that she fell. And now it’s time for me to catch her.
Accompanying Song: “The 2nd Law – Isolated System” by Muse
New Haven, Connecticut – June 9th, 2013
Her eyes shift back and forth over the pages, her mouth dropping the further she reads into the notebook. I know the words that she’s reading and realize that she now knows my true colors. It terrifies me, has my skin prickling with anxiety, because this is the most vulnerable that I have ever been. My secrets aren’t that easily given away. Especially not to the woman who I’ve come to care so deeply about.
I’ve not ever cared about any of the women we used, except her, which is the sole reason that I am letting her read this book. I care about her, more than just caring … it’s to the point of obsession. Fixation. All-consuming … love.
I need her love.
I adore how she pouts those lips when she’s angry, how she gazes at the stars through her window during the night, drawing symbols on the windows with a hot breath, picks up an extra grape from the plate on the table when I’m not looking. All those tiny things that she does, her uplifting smile, the way she responds to my voice, how she leans toward my touch … or at least, used to.
It’s all gone to ruin because of my past.
However, I will fix this, somehow.
I must, because I need her.
I come to this conclusion over and over again. No matter how many times I go over the same events, ponder about the way they could’ve gone differently, there is no denying
that I need her. I crave every inch of her.
I won’t ever lose her again.
“This … is this all real?” With shaking hands, she holds up the notebook.
“Yes. This is the cold, harsh truth.”
She swallows then closes the book, giving it back to me without even a hint of emotion. I’m amazed at her restraint. I could’ve sworn that she would kill me after this. Maybe I am not the only perfect liar of us two, which only makes us more of a perfect couple as well.
“You … you lied to me,” she mutters.
“Yes, and I understand if you hate me for it.”
“Please don’t put words into my mouth.”
I clear my throat. “What are you thinking then?”
“That you knew my name all along and still called me ‘Miss Carrigan.' That you’ve been keeping up a charade all this time and I never noticed. The bunny you sent me, you sent it to me to make me remember, didn’t you?”
I nod.
“That’s why Doctor Bailey came to your house. You know him because Genesis hired him to mess with me, us … your victims,” she scoffs. “He isn’t even a real doctor, I presume.”
“You’re correct.”
“And those notes I received during my stay… those were really yours, weren’t they?”
Smashing my lips together, I nod again.
She makes a face. “Everyone made me believe that I wrote them, but you did write them. God, and I thought I was going insane. You rigged everything—from my room in the hospital to the freaking people inside it. Everything was fake. I can’t believe it; it’s so surreal. I feel like such a fool for falling for your tricks.” She sighs.
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