“You’re not a fool. The game was merely played as it was planned.”
“And yet you decide to tell me all this. Why now? Why not keep it hidden forever?”
“Because I want you, as more than just a pet. I want you to be mine. Heart and soul.”
She sucks in a short breath. “You watched me, like a predator.”
“As a man with responsibility,” I say.
“With an assignment, which is more important than my happiness.”
“It’s not. Never will be.”
“It was.”
I sigh. “I did some bad things in my life, Lillith. I am aware of that, but I am trying to change it all. You have to see that.”
She makes a face and looks out the window.
“What are you thinking?” I ask.
“I do see that you are trying your best, but I don’t want to.”
“Why are you so afraid?” I reach for her hand, but she pulls away again. “I’ve told you many times before that I’m in this to save you and give you whatever you need.”
“You said that before, and it wasn’t true then.”
“It was, but in a different way. Back then, I wanted you gone, out of my life, so that we’d both be safe. I did everything in my power to make you flee, and yet you couldn’t stay away.”
She snorts. “Yeah … that was a good choice.”
I grab her hand now, regardless of whether she wants me to or not. “It was a good choice. You gave me hope. You changed me. Made me see that I didn’t have to put up with their games any longer, that I could choose the right side.” I bring her hand to my mouth and press my lips softly onto her skin. “That I have something to protect now. You.”
“It was a good choice for you. It’s always been about you. This was never about me.” She shakes her head. “When are you going to get it?”
Tears well up in her eyes. I know what she’s about to say, but I don’t want to hear it. She thinks that I’m selfish for saying it was a good choice and that it only helped me, but that’s not true. She needs me just as much as I need her.
“Lillith …”
“Don’t call me that.”
The taxi stops and pulls us from our convo. I pay the driver as Lillith steps out of the car and slams the door hard. I walk over to her side, grabbing her arm as she walks away.
“In here.”
“Get away,” she says, jerking her arm back.
It hurts me to see her like this—to know that I caused this. It was inevitable.
She’s shivering, rubbing her arms as she fights to stay upright. She looks exhausted; bags under her eyes, lines on her face, sagging eyelids.
“Let’s get inside. Get you warmed up a bit.”
She reluctantly follows me into the five-star hotel that I selected, far away from Rhode Island. This is my second home, the city of New Haven, which houses Yale, the place I learned everything about the world I love. Books. The one thing that became my downfall and hers.
This is the first time that I’m staying at this particular hotel, though. We won’t stay here for long. Maybe a day, max. We have to keep moving if we want to avoid them.
I book a room, but then realize it might be better to get two, so I change it.
Lillith gapes at me with her lips parted in the cutest, most interesting way. As I hand her the key to her own room, she frowns at me.
“What?” I say.
“My own room?”
“Yeah, I figured you’d want to spend some time alone right now.”
“Right …” She turns around.
“You’re surprised.”
“I didn’t think that you’d allow me that type of freedom.”
“Things have changed,” I muse. “I have changed.”
“Hmm…” She doesn’t respond.
I wish I could peer into her head and see whatever it is that she’s thinking. I want to know what she thinks of me, the world, of what we did, and how she deals with it. I want to know if she’s going to be okay.
In complete silence, we walk to the elevator. She doesn’t look me in the eye, even though I keep my gaze fixated on her. When the doors close and the button is pressed, her legs give out. I catch her in her fall. Just from the weight she puts on me, I can tell that she’s weak. I lift her up and hold her in my arms.
“Put me down,” she demands.
“No.”
“I can take care of myself.”
“It’s okay. You’re tired. You’re broken. Let me take care of you.”
“No.” She sighs. “Please just let go. I can walk.”
“You know I can’t do that,” I say with a gentle smile.
The door opens again and I carry her out through the hallway. Her eyes open and close slowly, fighting the pull of sleep. It’s been too much for her, and I feel that it is best to give her time.
She keeps resisting me, wanting to push me away, but I won’t let her. She needs me there right now—to comfort her, to hold her, to love her. I won’t let her do this to herself. I won’t let her isolate and punish herself for whatever it is that she thinks she did wrong. She did nothing wrong. Nothing.
I am everything that is wrong with this world. A coward, hiding behind his need for acceptance and will to live, instead of facing the evil that lurks around every corner. But I will do this one goddamn thing right.
So with her pushing and shoving me in the chest, I carry her to her room all the way at the end of the hallway. There, I momentarily put her down and wait until she’s pushed the key into the lock.
“So … you’re not leaving me alone after all?”
I take in a sharp breath but don’t reply. She and I both know what she wants … but it’s not what she needs.
After a quick glance over her shoulder, she treads into her room and looks around.
“Is it to your liking?”
“Anything with a bed is good right now.”
I smile and inhale her scent as she flips her hair to the side. God, she smells divine. I can’t get enough. Any minute that I can spend with her, I’ll gladly take, even if it means my death.
Jesus Christ, I’d die over this woman.
So be it.
It’s the first right thing I’ve ever done in my life, and I'd be damned if I let anything ruin this.
She has to come out of this alive, no matter what.
“Listen … I…” I place my hand on the doorpost.
“Don’t talk, please,” she says. “I’ve heard enough for one day.”
“For once I agree.” I sigh, squeezing the doorpost so hard that my fingernails push through the wood. “You need to rest.”
“As if I could …” she says, letting out a deep breath. “I’m afraid they’ll come after us.”
“Don’t be. I will make sure that they won’t bother you ever again.”
“How can you ensure that, when you’re part of the problem?”
I frown. “I refuse to be a part of the problem.”
She laughs, shaking her head. “Impossible.”
“Not for us. Do you remember those nights in the hospital? That was real, Lillith. That was the real me. I do care. I need you. Even if everything that I told you was a lie so that I could keep you safe and away from me, all of that was real.”
I grind my teeth in anger. I’m not angry with her, but with myself. “I tried to make you hate me so that you’d never want to see me again. I did it so you’d be safe. Far away from me, far away from them.”
I gulp in a breath, rage filling my lungs. “But something changed, Lillith. Those days and nights I spent with you changed the very core of my soul. I changed … because of you … for myself … but also for you,” I mutter. My voice is depleting in strength. I’m giving it all up to her, pouring out every inch of my soul, baring my heart.
All she does is blink.
She gazes at the floor and places her hand on the doorknob.
“Goodnight, Sebastian.”
And then she closes the
door.
Accompanying song: “Don’t Take Your Love Away From Me” by VAST
30 minutes later
It took me more than twenty minutes to pick up my head from against her door and actually walk away and leave her in peace. I stumble to my room and sit down on my bed, burying my face in my hands, sighing aloud. As if that’s going to rid me of this nagging feeling in the pit of my stomach. All I can think about is being with her, holding her, comforting her, guiding her through her feelings while she tells me all about her thoughts. I want to make it better, want to be that man for her that she dreamed she’d find—the knight on the white horse, a dark prince, the one who’d rescue her from evil.
Turns out, she needed rescuing from me.
I lie down on the bed and ponder about the things that I should’ve done differently. Like that, I shouldn’t have let her leave my side at the charity event. I shouldn’t have continued with my assignment so she wouldn’t need me. How I should’ve forced her to leave instead of taking her into my home. I wish I’d never fallen for her.
My chest hurts like I’m being stabbed with a knife. I place my hand over my heart and feel my own erratic heartbeat. Only now do I realize the uselessness of it all, as I lie on the bed and gaze at the ceiling above me. What we’ve done, the cruelty that sprung from my actions, and that I’ve given her and myself enough pain. Enough is enough. She knows the truth now. I just hope that she can deal with it.
I turn around and face the door. The night has swept over my room, covering it with darkness. The only light left is that of the moon, and it immediately reminds me of her. A tiny, bright speck of light that shines through the darkness and illuminates the raw truth that cannot be unseen. She makes me see. Makes me open my eyes and look upon true beauty. Her. She’s what drives me, what makes me want to fight for all that’s good within me. She makes me whole.
I need her, but I wonder does she need me, too? I wonder if she’s crying right now. She probably is, because I can’t imagine anyone would take well to what she knows. A part of me hopes that she’s fast asleep, giving her mind some rest and time to recuperate, but I know that’s just wishful thinking. I know her well enough by now to know that’s not the case.
What she needs right now is a shoulder to cry on, and I’ll be damned if I’m going to let her go through that experience alone. I don’t care if she wants to be alone, I don’t care if I want to give her peace; this is what she really needs.
Within seconds, I am up from my bed and pull open my door. I close the door and start walking. I don’t know what I’m doing or if it’s the right decision; all I know is that it’s something I have to do.
My hand already hovers near her door, attempting to knock, but then I realize that if she actually is sleeping, I will wake her. Instead, I take out the spare key that I received from the hotel staff, unlock the door, and go in.
My eyes widen and my heartbeat spins out of control. I choke on my own breath as I see her sitting on the stone ridge of the balcony, her feet dangling into nothingness.
Her head is down, her red hair cascading down her face. She inches forward.
Then her shoe drops.
And another.
“No!” I yell.
Time has slipped too fast. I can’t lose her. I won’t allow it.
I love her too much for that to happen.
I love her.
I’m about to see the woman I love jump to her death.
Accompanying song: “Don’t Take Your Love Away From Me” by VAST
Her gaze pulls toward me like a thousand stars crashing into the earth. Filled with tears, they widen, her pupils dilating. Her fingers twitch and her legs move. She almost slips on the balcony.
I run to her and grab her arms, pulling her back against my chest before she actually drops. “Don’t you dare.”
She gasps. “What?”
“I need you. God, I need you. Don’t you dare take yourself away from me,” I growl, clamping my arms around her tight. “Even if they tried to take you, it doesn’t mean that I’m going to let you take yourself out of the equation. And by God, if you do, I swear I will fucking jump right after you.”
Our story is not that of star-crossed lovers, but that of a clash of wills, locked in a deadly yet heavenly game of cat and mouse without even the possibility of anyone winning. But if I must go under, I will go under with her. Together. I’d die for her, with her.
I gaze down the balcony onto the street littered with cars. “It’s a long way down. I’ll be there with you the entire way.”
She frowns, gaping at me. “I wasn’t …”
“You weren’t what? Trying to fucking jump off this building?”
“What? No, of course not.” She hiccups from the tears, and then swallows as she looks down. “Oh God … I get what you mean now. Jesus, I didn’t know it looked like that.” She pulls her legs back over the edge. “I was only here so I could think. Heights make me calm.”
I sigh. “Are you fucking kidding me?”
“No, unfortunately … although, now I wish I was. That look on your face was priceless.”
She giggles, sweeping a tear away. Her face darkens as she turns her head to the void and breathes a sigh. I rest my head against her back and listen to the sound of her lungs, the beating of her heart, telling me she’s still alive. Just like I was to her, she is now the tether that binds me to this world.
Her fingers clamp around the stone ridge, her head hanging lower and lower until I can feel her body tremble and hear her snivel. “You would jump off this building with me?” she says.
“I would. God, I would. It’s reckless and stupid, and I’d throw my life away, but I’d do it anyway. Every second of the day is wasted if I can’t spend it with you.”
I hear her snort, and then her body shakes some more.
“It’s okay … cry, Lillith, let it all out.”
“You always say that I don’t need to cry.”
“Sometimes you just have to,” I say, wrapping my arms tighter around her.
“I’m scared …” she says, letting out a deep breath. “So scared.”
“I know.”
“I can’t handle it.”
“I’m here … I’m here for you, always. You gave me a purpose in life, so let me return that favor. My arms will be your comfort. My body your protection. My chest your refuge. My face your punching bag.”
She laughs and brushes away a few tears again.
“I mean it. I’ll take it. I’ll take it all, whatever you’ll give me. Anything. As long as it’s something,” I say. “Tell me something, Lillith, anything that’s on your mind. I need to know how you feel, what you’re thinking.”
“My mother …” she murmurs. “She was there. Oh, God … I hate her.” She sniffs. “She killed my father, Sebastian! She murdered him with polonium or whatever in the hell it was. Some kind of radioactive drug …”
I didn’t know this happened, but now I understand her pain. It only adds to the gravity of what Genesis has done. Completely ruined her life … and I’m part of it all.
She shakes her head, growling into the wind. “I hate her for doing that to me, to us. For letting Newman give her that crap and for letting him take over. That she could even let herself be seduced by such a man is beyond me. I hate her for cheating; I hate her for trying it multiple times. And I hate her for being weak, for not resisting him and what she did…” She shivers. “But most of all, I hate myself for being just as weak. For not resisting. For not fighting.”
Goosebumps form on her skin and I blow hot air onto her back to compensate for the cold.
“You aren’t weak. You’re strong for not giving up. For pushing through, even against all odds. For sticking with me and proving to me that I could be something more than just a slave to darkness. You’ve made me a slave for your love, Lillith.”
“I didn’t stop you. I didn’t do the things that I told myself I would do.”
“You didn’t have to stop me.
I’m not Newman. Besides, I didn’t need stopping. I needed changing. You did that for me.”
“You say that you’re not like him, but how do you know?”
“Because I can love.” I press a kiss to the back of her neck. “He does not feel love. Not for anything.”
“Except hurting people. I know firsthand.”
“I’m sorry, little fairy,” I murmur against her skin. “I will make it all better. Let me take the pain away.”
She starts to cry again. Her sobs and moans go through marrow and bone. I took from her what I wanted, because I had to, but seeing her cry kills me. I used to believe that if I told myself I didn’t care about people, I’d be protected against this painful thing called love. Seems like I fell for her anyway. There was no avoiding it … She’s consumed me since the moment we met.
In an effort to protect her from her own pain, I lift her up from the balcony and carry her inside. I sit down in the big chair standing next to the door, and she curls up in my arms. Her fingers grasp at my shirt, jerking and tearing with every tug. I imagine my shirt is her heart being ripped to shreds. Everything she’s experienced these past few days … even months … is now coming out. Finally, she’s letting go of all the coiled up anxiety, powerlessness, fear, and sorrow. She didn’t get to process the loss of her mother, but now the pain is twice as bad. I can sense from the way that she shivers that she needs my hold. So I caress her arms and press soft pecks onto her temple, warming her skin with mine.
“I feel used … broken …” she mutters.
“I know …”
“How could you do that?” she suddenly screams. And then she hits me in the chest. I take the blow with honor.
“I’m sorry, little fairy. I did it to get you out of their claws. I can’t tell you how sorry I am that you had to feel that way because of me.”
“You’re cruel. How could you say sorry, thinking it makes it all right, just like that?”
“It doesn’t, but it’s the least I can do.” I grab her hand and bring it to my face. “Hit me again if it makes you feel better.”
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