Seize

by Clarissa Wild

  She pulls her hand away and frowns. “It doesn’t. Nothing does. To your club, Genesis, I’m like a toy, disposable and replaceable.”

  “Don’t say that. You will never be replaceable for me. There isn’t a girl like you in this world. You seduced my mind, Lillith. Not just my body or my heart. My very soul is connected to you in a way that I can’t explain. I’ve never felt this before, not for anyone.”

  Her lip quivers. “You used me. They watched us.”

  “I will gouge their eyes out if it will make you feel better,” I offer.

  “It won’t take away the memory of them looking at my naked body.”

  I grab her face with both hands and make her look at me. “I will take away those memories, by force if I have to.”

  “How?”

  “Love. Fucking. Punishment. Pain. Anything that takes your mind off them.”

  “You would hurt me just to make me forget?” she whispers.

  “I would make you hate me again if it meant that you’d feel better. If it means you’ll despise me, then so be it, but I will make it right for you. I will help you find peace within your heart. I won’t take anything less.”

  “Sebastian …” Her hand reaches to touch my face. The moment I feel her warmth, I feel lighter, more free, than I’ve ever felt before.

  “Hate you? Is that what you want?” she asks.

  “Never. I never wanted you to hate me. I just knew that you had to. In order to be safe, you had to hate me. But it was never what I wanted, what I needed.” I place my hand over hers. “What I needed was you, your light, your smile, your innocence, your carefree spirit, your childlike love for this world.” I move my face closer to her hand. “But what I need isn’t important. I am here for you solely.”

  “I made you remember,” he says.

  “And now you want to make me forget?”

  “Because it’s all my fault. I wanted you to remember so you’d be safe, free, away from us. Now … I just want you to be happy.”

  A pause ensues. “I don’t understand you …” she says after a while.

  I smile. “I told you that once, too.”

  “And we both mean it.”

  “It’s the things we don’t understand that excite us. The unobtainable that we seek. The hunt is what drives us, the need to ensnare our opposite and learn. Intrigued by differences, the desire to capture that which makes us unique is what seizes control of our hearts. We want each other’s qualities and despise each other’s weaknesses. We collide and attract. Yin and Yang.”

  “Maybe … or maybe we’re just two people trying to find a way to live.”

  “Maybe …” I squeeze her hand that’s still resting on my cheek. “Or maybe we’re just two people trying to find a way to love and be loved.”

  “Maybe …” She smiles, and the way she does sets my heart on fire.

  I press my head onto hers, gazing into her eyes, admiring her and reminding myself how precious she is. She’s mine, all mine, and I won’t let her take her own happiness away. I’ll kill myself before I let that happen.

  “Everything’s going to be different now, Lillith.”

  “Why do you keep calling me that?” she says.

  “It’s your name, isn’t it?”

  “Yes, but … I don’t know. I’m so used to you calling me Miss Carrigan.” She says it with a husky voice, pretending to be me, which makes me chuckle a little.

  “I prefer calling you fairy. My fairy.”

  She cocks her head. “It’s strange. Knowing that you did actually come to my room every day in the hospital. That we had … sex.” She blushes. “It’s weird. Like I’m meeting an old friend for the first time again.”

  “I’m still me, the same man that I always was. I still have my kinks and I love tying my fairy up. That doesn’t mean that I’m incapable of feeling, though.”

  “I know you do,” she says.

  “And I know that’s exactly what you need right now.” I press a kiss to her nose. “You’re feeling sad, let me take your sadness away.”

  “What?” she mutters, as I kiss her on the chin.

  “Give me your fear and I’ll suck it up and spit it out. Give me your anxiety and I’ll break it in pieces. Give me your heart and I’ll cherish it for life.”

  “What are you saying?”

  I kiss just below her lips, dragging them up until she takes in a short gasp.

  “That I’m going to be for you what you need me to be. You need me, someone to control your emotions and fill you with unconditional love. You need someone to take away the scars on your soul with pain. To mend your body with pain. To heal your heart with pain. Pain … and then fucking. I’ll spank you, suck you, slather you with blood, and lick your very skin, fucking you until the night is over. Anything to make you forget.”

  “No …” she murmurs as I bite her lip and tug. Her breath comes out in short rasps.

  “Yes. It’s what you need. I know it is.” My tongue darts out to lick the seam of her mouth while I palm her cheek. “Say no all you want. I’m going to give you what you need, end of story.”

  “No,” she repeats as I plant a short kiss on her lips. Her eyes are already closing and her grasp tightens around my cheek, her fingers digging into my skin as I press another kiss onto her mouth.

  “Give in to me, Lillith.” It’s clear as day. Her tears show me that she can’t control her feelings so I will control them for her.

  However, her conscience is unbending as always. As I’ve come to expect and grown to love. “No … Stop.”

  “I won’t stop.”

  I cover her mouth with mine. Her mouth is hot and oh so full of need. Her lips part the moment my tongue coaxes her to open her mouth, and I dip in to lick the roof of her mouth. She responds with equally needy licks, our tongues locked in a furious battle of right and wrong, love and lust, push and pull. Her breath is ragged as I kiss her more ravenously, nibbling at her lips. A light moan escapes her mouth as my fingers find their way to her hair and grasp tight.

  A brief moment between the kisses allows for some air. “God, I can’t take my lips off you. Fuck me for being sinful. For being so selfish.”

  “I can’t …”

  “Shhh …” I peck her on the lips again. Her body arches into mine, her hand now clasped around my neck, pulling me closer.

  “Accept me, Lillith. Trust me with your heart.”

  “Impossible …” she murmurs between being ravished.

  “Only in your head. Let go of it all. Trust your heart.”

  “How?” She still kisses me back, despite her constant naysaying. “This isn’t right.”

  “Then let us be bad together.”

  “Why? Tell me why, Sebastian. Why now?”

  “I realized this when I was in my room. There’s no escaping the need, the desire, that kept whispering thoughts into my mind. It’s real, Lillith. I live for you now. I can say it out loud because I’m not afraid of the consequences anymore. I just want you to know that I love you.”

  She pulls her swollen lips from mine. “What?” Shaking her head, she refutes, “No, that can’t be.”

  “I do. I love you. I’ll say it as many times as you need me to. I love you, Lillith Carrigan. I fucking love you to death and I will die before I ever stop loving you.”

  Accompanying song: “Monument” by Röyksopp & Robyn

  He loves me.

  I feel bereft of my breath, encapsulated by his emotions that flow through me. So strong … they evaporate all doubt inside my heart. His words fill me with delirium, the need to let go taking over.

  Oh, my God. He loves me. The words he spoke repeat over and over in my head.

  He lied to me, dehumanized me, used me for his own pleasure, pushed me to my limits and beyond … and still his words and love seep into me like water, a liquid that sustains my body. His kisses pull me away from this world, drive out the thoughts that tell me I should not give in. But I can’t … I can’t resist any longer. Witho
ut his touch, I feel empty, devoid of happiness, consumed by my memories and pain. He can take it all away.

  So I let him. I let him kiss me; press his lips down anywhere he wants.

  My conscience struggles with this notion that I should just let myself be loved by him. Sebastian Brand, the epitome of all things bad in this world is offering to make it all better … just like that. And I should just accept that? Offering up his love on a platter, does that excuse him? No … It doesn’t erase the past.

  But the heart wants what it wants.

  Sebastian wraps his arms around me and stands up. He carries me to the bed and gently places me down on the mattress with my head to the end and my feet on the pillow. His kisses are frenzied, overpowering, which is why I think he didn’t even want to take the time to lie down on this bed properly. His rough lips skim my lips and jaw, licking and sucking wherever he can. His body is hard, pushing down upon me with full force as he claims my hands and guides them up. He brings his hands down, sliding along my skin, causing goosebumps everywhere as he grasps my waist. Kissing my collarbone, he pulls my nightgown up and over my head, throwing it to the side, only momentarily stopping his kisses. He can’t seem to get enough, can’t stop putting his lips all over me, and I’m becoming delirious because of it.

  Suddenly, he wraps his arm under my back and hauls my body forward, pushing me to the rim of the bed.

  “What are you doing?” I ask with a ragged breath while he lifts my body over the edge of the bed. I squeal as my body drops, but he catches me in his arms, then softly lets go again. My head doesn’t reach the floor, but only barely. Now, the lower half of my body is still on the bed, while my upper part dangles down toward the red carpet.

  “Trust me,” he whispers, planting a kiss on my belly. I’m lost in arousal, forgetting the parts where he hurt me, enraptured by his love. The pureness of his kisses, the equality between soft pecks and harsh, rugged mouth has me sighing in defeat. Yet again, I’m giving my body away to evil, ignoring the voices that tell me this is bad.

  And oh … how bad he gets.

  He suddenly lifts himself up above me, reaches for my ankles, and nudges them apart. Then he grabs the sheets and tugs them from under me. He wraps them around my inner thighs, close to my sensitive spot, and ties them to the sides of the bed. I’m locked in place now, my hands dropping to the floor near my head, my body left to his mercy.

  It’s terrifying, my heart beating out of control.

  Capturing my greatest need.

  His control.

  It was always him. What I needed, what I craved. Relinquishing control over everything that I am brings me peace.

  I let out a sigh of pleasure when he plants a kiss on top of my belly and inches forward to cup my breasts. Playing with them, he bites his lip, tugging and toying with my nipples that harden quickly. I gasp as he covers the tips with his mouth, bending over the bed and onto me. He crawls over me, holding himself steady by placing his palms on the floor beside me. He places kisses all over my breasts, on my neck, and inches forward to press a tiny kiss on the edge of my lips. They part without restraint, wanting to feel more. I am desperate, in need of his control, and I feel guilty for it, for still wanting him. But there is no time to think, his hot kisses set my body on fire and my brain melts into a puddle.

  “Oh, my beautiful Lillith … my fairy … if only you could see inside my mind, my heart … see how much I worship you,” he says with a husky voice. “But you can see for yourself what it looks like to be loved.”

  “Hmm …” I moan as he slides over me and sets his feet on the floor beside my head, standing upright. He gazes down at me, towering over me with a fierceness, his hands on his side, a delicious smirk on his face. I shouldn’t enjoy this, and yet I am. Two conflicting emotions collide within me, and I don’t know which side to pick.

  He walks to the closet and grabs the robe hanging inside. Peculiar. I wonder if he’s going to make me lie partially on the floor like this. It’s strange that it crosses my mind that I wouldn’t mind as long as it means being touched by him.

  Strange indeed.

  He comes back with two belts taken from the robes, the left side of his lip curling up into a smile. He goes to his knees and binds the belt right above my elbow, tying it to the bedpost, and then does the same to my other arm. I’m strapped to the point of being unable to move, but not in a way that I could ever imagine happening. It’s surreal, like I’m floating in the air, upside down, completely under his dominion.

  “How do you feel?” he asks.

  “Different …” I breathe out through my mouth.

  He places a hand on my chest, sliding down toward my chin, and then he tips my head back more until it can’t go any further. “What do you see?”

  Squinting, I focus and look through the gap between his legs.

  “A mirror,” I gasp.

  The sudden sight of my own naked body and him standing over me is overwhelming. My cheeks turn crimson, my body heating up from just looking at us. I feel more vulnerable than ever before, as I’ve never actually seen myself like this. I’m confronted with the cold, hard truth. I am a submissive to a man who can’t be trusted, and I let him dominate me, willingly. Knowing full well what the consequences are, I still let it happen. And now I’m faced with the shame.

  “Look at yourself, Lillith.”

  As my eyes gaze up to meet his, he instructs, “Don’t look away. I want you to look at yourself the entire time. Every second of every single minute of the time I will spend licking, kissing, spanking, sucking, and fucking you. I want you to see the naked truth, Lillith.”

  He walks to the side of my head, bends over, and caresses my neck, sliding his finger all the way to my breast, stopping just before my nipple. I suck in a breath, my senses on high alert.

  “See how beautiful you are, how much you like this, how badly you crave this.”

  He leans in close to my ear, his warm breath hypnotizing. “You’re mine, little fairy, and I will show you how painful love can be.”

  He grins when he sees my fearful face. “Don’t be scared. It won’t hurt … that much.”

  His words only make me more nervous. I have no clue what he has in mind, which makes my heart go haywire from both terror and excitement.

  Sebastian steps back, admiring me from a distance before unbuckling his belt. Pulling his belt through the loops, he keeps his gaze fixated on me, not stopping until it’s dangling in his hands. I frown, licking my lips, biting the bottom one when he steps forward and loosens the button on his pants. He folds the belt, flicking it, the sound making me squirm.

  “Oh, no …” I mutter.

  “Yes … oh yes,” he says, smiling.

  And then he hits my belly with it. I squeal from the pain, which burns through my entire body.

  “Scream, little fairy.” He whacks me again, this time hitting my nipple.

  I howl in pain. It’s sizzling hot, leaving a red welt on my skin.

  “Yes, let it all out,” he says, hitting me again and then again. I squeal each time the belt lands on my body, tears forming in my eyes. I see them fall in the mirror.

  “Keep those eyes on the mirror. Do not stop watching yourself. I want you to see yourself break and rebuild by lust and love.”

  I squeeze my eyes shut. He hits me again, this time on my other breast. “I can’t!”

  “Yes. You. Can.”

  Each word is another blow to my body. Tears start trickling down my face. I can’t stop them from flowing; the pain is too much, although I don’t know if it’s from physical or emotional pain. The saltiness stings as much as the sharp licks of leather coming down on my skin. His belt is merciless and so is his determination to push me into a black hole from which there is no return.

  I can feel it coming, the endless spiral of hurt that I drown in. Tears fall and shrieks empty from my mouth, filling me with sorrow, regret, and anguish. My eyes open to see my body light up like fireworks. Red lashes cover my body,
and I follow the belt as it hits home run. I cry out in pain and see my own swollen eyes narrow and open wide. Pain, release, pain, release. The cycle repeats in my mind and body, the hot flashes forcing me to let go of all the bottled up frustration and hurt.

  And then he stops.

  Accompanying song: “Monument” by Röyksopp & Robyn

  My eyes instinctively follow the belt as he flicks it back and caresses it. His brows draw together while he bites his lip. He doesn’t seem pleased. I wonder if it’s my fault, which makes me question my own sanity. I don’t know why I find it important enough to think about, but I do.

  Breathing in and out causes flashing pain in my chest, and I groan out loud.

  “Look at yourself, Lillith,” he says, pointing at the mirror. “What do you see?”

  “Me … being beaten.”

  “No.” He whips me again.

  I cry out, but focus on my eyes to keep them open. I want him to see the pain that he inflicts on me; I want him to know how I feel with just a look. What I find on his face surprises me instead. Anger.

  Is he angry because I confront him with what he does? Or angry because of something else?

  “Tell me, what is it that you truly see?”

  “Pain…” I say.

  “Where?”

  A tear drops to the floor. “Me. Everywhere. Inside. Outside. You.”

  “Do you want to know what I see?” he says, folding the belt in his hands.

  I take a deep breath. “Yes …”

  “The goddess who relinquishes herself from the pain stuck inside her soul.” He cocks his head. “Do you feel it, Lillith? Can you feel the pain leaving your body?”

  My lips quiver, because I’m afraid of the answer. Afraid that it will change everything. “Yes.”

  He’s right. Even in physical pain, I can feel the stored up hatred, anger, fear, and sadness leaving my body through every lash he gives me.

  “I see beauty, in every way, shape, and form,” he says. “Beauty that I love and cherish.”

  “Then why do you hit me?” I ask.

  “Because I love you too much.”