We are one messed-up couple, but I wouldn’t have it any other way.
Now more than ever do I realize that I belong to him. No matter which way I spin my words, it always comes down to this. Love, need, lust, affection, greed, desire, power, and freedom. It’s what keeps us both going, what binds us to each other.
As he fucks me rough and deep, I watch him in the mirror, admiring the lines on his forehead, the bite marks on his lip, his rugged face, and bare chest, thinking to myself that I’m lucky this man is mine.
I’ve truly gone insane.
His fingers find their way to my clit again, and I’m squirming underneath him when he starts flicking it. He’s pushing me over the edge with all his kinkiness.
“I can’t …”
“Beg, Lillith. Beg me to let you come.”
“Please, can I come?” I cry.
“Harder,” he demands.
“Can I come, please?” I yell.
He smirks at me in the mirror. “No.”
I sigh as he keeps circling around, agonizing me, fucking me senseless. He’s really pushing it now, and it’s almost impossible for me to hold back.
Suddenly, he takes his finger off my pussy again and takes out his cock.
I’m on the verge of exploding, and then he just stops?
“Can you feel it, Lillith?” he says.
His finger caresses my ass, sliding down to my slit but barely avoiding it.
“Can you taste it?” he whispers.
“What?” I mutter.
“Come.”
My eyes widen. His command is simple, and yet the gravity of it shatters me and my resolve. I lose control, my body coming apart at the seams. Wave after wave I tremble, collapsing onto the ground as I come from his voice alone.
Just a simple word has me in shambles.
Eternal bliss. Complete ecstasy.
I pant and moan, my body convulsing heavier than ever before.
“Yes, little fairy. Your orgasm is mine to give whenever I please. Even now, with no touch, you simply come when I tell you to.”
Before I have a chance to retort, he’s already shoved his cock back into my pussy, increasing the intensity of my orgasm. I’m still screaming and moaning as he fucks me so hard that I almost cry. But not a cry of hurt … it’s one of euphoria. His cock pulsates against my walls, a groan emanating from deep down in his throat, and then another hot jet of seed spurts into me, filling me. He thrusts some more until he’s completely sated, and then takes out his cock to let the cum drip from my pussy. I feel dirty and used, but strangely, I’m okay with it all. I’m not just okay … I’m at peace. I wanted this, needed this, asked for this, and I got it. It’s as simple as that.
As he unties me, he says, “You know that I love you. Tell me you do.”
“Yes, Mister Brand.”
“Unconditionally.”
“Yes. Why are you saying this?”
“Because I want you to remember this carefully.”
I frown. “Is there something you want to tell me?”
“Maybe …” he says, undoing my legs from the straps.
“I just want you to remember that I love you. Regardless of what happens. I will never, ever, stop loving you. And I will keep my promise to you, or I give you permission to kill me.”
“Wow, where is this coming from all of the sudden?” I ask, rubbing my arms and legs.
He smashes his lips together, sighing with furrowed brows. “There are things I must do in order to fix what was broken.”
“You mean me? Or the men?”
“Yes, to both. I will end their lives and bring you peace.”
“Okay,” I say, biting my lip.
“What?” he asks.
“Huh?”
“You’re biting your lip. You don’t agree with me?”
“Oh, I do, it’s just that … Ashley deserves to kill them.” I look up at him. “More than either one of us does.”
He sighs. “I cannot make that promise. My priority will always be to stop them, regardless of who deserves to kill them. However, I will see to it that it’s done without your involvement. I will keep you safe. That is my number one objective.”
“Even if you have to lie to me to do so?”
He squints, lowering his eyes to the ground for only a second before turning them back to me. “The only thing that matters is that I love you and that I will give up anything to make you happy.”
He grabs all the ties and helps me up. “But I’m done talking about it now. I meant everything I said and I hope you keep that in mind.”
He walks to the closet and cleans up the mess we’ve made. In my mind, I go over the conversation again and again, but I can’t make sense of it. Somehow ‘keep that in mind’ makes me think ‘for what’? I suppose for something yet to come.
Our relationship is anything but simple, and I realize that I must accept the consequences of my desires. Our hearts are laced with deception, and it will take time to heal the wounds. Mending the cracks in our souls was the first step and forgiveness came next. However, I would soon come to find out how difficult it is to deal with true betrayal.
Albany, New York – June 10th, 2013. Midnight.
I wake up in the middle of the night to the sound of the window banging repeatedly from the wind. With a heavy head, I crawl out of bed to the window and shut it. The moon is unusually bright tonight and I find myself staring at it for a second before turning around to go back to bed again. It’s too cold to stay up for too long, and Sebastian is so warm that I’m dying to hug him so I can steal a little of his warmth.
Except when I get back into the bed, it’s still cold.
A chill runs up my spine. I sit up straight and gaze at the spot where he’s supposed to lie.
He isn’t here.
“Sebastian?” I call.
No response.
Frowning, I look around the room, but I don’t see him anywhere.
I scramble out of bed and flip on the light in the bathroom, but nobody’s there either. I open the door to the hallway, and it’s completely empty.
A trembling fear creeps under my skin as I close the door and gaze into the room. Void of anything that remotely reminds me of Sebastian, my heart begins to race.
It’s then that I notice a note on his bed stand.
I hurry to pick it up and read the contents.
The words written on this tiny piece of paper shatter my already brittle heart into a million pieces.
Sebastian is gone.
Accompanying song: “Battle Cry” by Imagine Dragons
I did the only thing I knew I couldn’t, but still had to do.
I left her.
I left her alone to live and be in peace.
Without me, her life is good. Maybe not perfect, maybe not with a man who can fulfill her every need, but at least she’ll be happy. She’ll be sad, at first, but it won’t be long until she’ll start living her life without me, and that’s when she’ll truly be free.
Free of me. The thing she always wanted.
The thing that now drives me to push a dagger into my own heart.
I know that I hurt her. I know that I bring her great pain by doing this, but I must. I cannot involve her in the things that I have planned. Her safety means everything to me, her life, her love for me. If I have to sacrifice what I want most to achieve my goal, then so be it.
At least she is safe, and in the future, she’ll be happy.
That’s better than any fate she would’ve met if I’d stayed with her.
I might be a cruel man, but I’m not that cruel.
If I am to be good, to be a man she could want, and to deserve her, I have to make the right choice. Right now, that choice is leaving her so she won’t be in danger.
The men won’t hunt after her; they’ll come after me for exposing them and the truth. They’ll follow my trail, not hers, which is why I’ve split and ran. This way I can divert them away from her, and she’ll be able to do as s
he pleases.
I hope she’s okay. By now, she must know that I’m gone. I know she’s crying, but I also know she’ll get over it. My leaving isn’t worth the tears. I’m doing this because I love her. I told her this, and I hope that she remembers it.
I’m going to finish writing that damn book and then write another to orchestrate one giant plot that they’ll have no choice but to follow. One by one, those men will fall into my trap, and when the time comes, I will make them wish they had never involved me.
I will free Ashley and bring her back to Lillith. I won’t return unless I have her with me. I told Lillith that she could shoot me if I didn’t.
I’m making sure I keep my promise.
I sit on the bed, reading the note over and over again.
Lillith, I did what had to be done. I’m leaving so you’ll be safe. Don’t try to find me. They’ll come after me instead of you, which is exactly the plan. Never look for Ashley, because I am the only one who can find her, and I won’t allow you to get hurt anymore. I want you to live your life, be happy, and learn to love again.
I will not return until they are dead.
I will bring Ashley back to you. You have my word.
I love you. Nothing on this earth will change that, no matter where I am. Even if I’m gone, I’ve never truly left. You’ll find me inside your heart, and once I’ve completed my task, I will come to reclaim it.
You were always mine, and you will never stop being mine.
I hope you can forgive me.
Love, Sebastian
Crumpling up the note for the last time, I put all my anger into my throw and chuck it at the door, screaming. I flop down onto the bed, arms spread, gazing at the ceiling. The void in this room is overwhelming, the sound of my own breathing terrifying. Suffocating.
I’m alone, completely free to do as I please.
I used to want freedom more than anything in this world. However, all I can think about now is how I want Sebastian back in my life.
But I know that he won’t come back. Once he’s made a choice, he’s sticking to it.
In a way, it’s stirring that he would do this for me.
I should be happy; I should be elated, doing a happy dance around the room, packing stuff, and rushing out of this hotel to be free. So many possibilities, so many things to do and discover. My life is starting anew with a clean slate and nobody to haunt me. He’s taken it all away.
But I know it won’t be that easy.
Not without him.
Accompanying song: “Devotion” by Hurts
Patapsco Valley State Park, Baltimore – November 9th, 2013
It took a long time to get used to the idea of being alone and in control of my own destiny, but I’ve pulled through. I grieved over my father, my mother, and learned to live with what she had done. I am focusing on self-growth and forgiveness. I did a crash course and finished college, concentrating solely on my career. Now, I travel the seas and cross the land, photographing models from all around the world. I love what I do and do it like no other. People pay for my pictures and even hire me for shoots, which is awesome. Recently, I’ve been doing some shoots for a high-end fashion magazine, so I have to say that I’m doing pretty well.
Got my own house, a sweet Persian cat to keep me company, and plenty of friends to celebrate achievements with.
The only thing missing in my life is love.
Most of the time, I push these thoughts away, but sometimes some of them can’t help but drift into my mind. My friends keep suggesting that I go out on a couple of dates, but I’m totally not feeling it. Other guys just don’t seem to do it for me, and when I talk to them, all I think about is how they don’t match up to Sebastian.
See, and that’s why I don’t date. It makes me think of him, which I don’t want, because it won’t bring him back.
Somehow, just thinking about wanting him back makes me clench the camera I hold in my hand even harder. I’m having trouble taking pictures, imagining that it’s him I’m taking photos of instead of this voluptuous model.
My blood boils as I’m reminded of how he held me captive, made me do things I never imagined I’d ever do—fucked me like a doll, played with me like a toy, and lied to my face several times. It becomes red in front of my eyes just thinking about all those moments we shared, and that I actually let it cross my mind to forgive him. That I could let him into my heart and need him the way I did.
Right when I finally accepted him, he left me alone again.
I’m angry, but mostly with myself. That I could make the same mistake over and over again …
I sigh, lowering the camera. “Let’s wrap it up for today.”
“Sure,” the model says. “Wanna go grab some coffee?”
“No, I’m going for a walk. You go on ahead.”
I gaze at the car in the parking lot where we left our stuff. I’d much rather spend some time in the woods, alone, cooling down.
“You okay?” she asks before leaving.
I smile a fake smile. “Yeah. Just need a minute.”
“All right,” she says, winking. And then she walks off.
Taking a deep breath, I put my camera down on the pedestal and stroll through the forest. Trees soothe me, and the cold breeze on my face cools my temper. The autumn leaves cover the land in beautiful red, brown, and yellow colors. It’s a sight to admire, and for a second, I stop to think and be proud of what I’ve achieved so far.
After tumbling down the rabbit hole into the darkness and escaping unscathed, I’m lucky to have survived. I’m so blessed that I had the opportunity of a second chance at life. I should take it as a gift.
But I can’t forget, can’t forgive. Can’t stop reminding myself that, even though I am free, there is a girl out there who is still trapped in hell.
I swallow as I turn around and attempt to walk back to the site of the shoot. I’ve wandered off quite a bit.
Except, as I walk past a tree stump, something catches my eye.
Something black and metallic. Something that chokes me up and takes my breath away.
A gun.
Holding my breath, I pick it up and inspect it. With a thin string, a note is attached to the handle.
Yours.
A noise behind me has me gasping for air.
With the gun in my hand, I turn around. “Who’s there?”
Even now, this gun and the rustling leaves have me on high alert. I never stopped being vigilant, never taking the life I was given for granted.
But when a hand appears from behind a tree, accompanied by a familiar face, I freeze.
“Sebastian?”
Accompanying song: “Somebody To Die For” by Hurts
Patapsco Valley State Park, Baltimore – November 9th, 2013
I’m struck by disbelief, my legs trembling beneath me as Sebastian appears from behind the tree. It feels like a dream or an illusion. Am I going crazy? This can’t be real.
“I’m here,” he says.
I can’t believe it. He can’t really be here, can he? With my mouth wide open, I stare at him, stepping back as he steps forward. This is a trick. He can’t be here because he promised he wouldn’t return, unless … unless he had Ashley.
My eyes widen and I immediately look around trying to find her. I glance left and right, stepping sideways to look behind the trees, but no one is there. Only Sebastian.
“Ashley?” I call out, desperate to see her. I need to know if she’s safe.
Sebastian holds up his hands. “Lillith …”
“Stay away!” I say. “Where is she?”
“I’m sorry …” he says, licking his lips.
“No,” I say, shaking my head. She can’t be still locked up. She can’t be left to herself …
Tears well up in my eyes. “Tell me where she is!”
“Not here.”
The gun in my hand instinctively rises, because I don’t trust him, and I don’t want to hear what he has to say.
“What a
re you doing here?” I say. “You left me. You fucking left me.”
“I know, Lillith.”
“You bastard!” I spit, raising the gun to eye level. I’m fuming, so angry with him for appearing before me like this. My life was good before he and his friends ruined it, and I finally get a chance to do it over, and there he is again … trampling in to confuse me.
“I’m sorry, Lillith. I didn’t mean to hurt you. I wanted you to be safe, and with me you would never be safe.”
“Fuck safety, I wanted you!” I scream. “But now … now you’ve ruined everything. How dare you come back to me? How dare you even think about it?”
“Because I love you, and I made you a promise.”
He steps forward, causing me to point the gun straight at his head. I don’t know why I’m so angry. Maybe it’s the emotions that I kept hidden for so long. The emotions that I felt when he wasn’t here, hatred about all the things that he’s done to me. Fury for his leaving me like that.
I didn’t want him to leave.
“All you left was a stupid note. You said you loved me, and yet you leave without even saying goodbye?” I say.
“I’m sorry, but I knew that if I did, it would be impossible to leave you,” he says. “But I had to, so that note was the only choice I had. I had to keep the men away from you, so you’d be safe. With a few photograph manipulations and burning of a corpse who looked just like you, I managed to convince them that you were dead. I’m still baffled how I got away with sending that to them, almost got caught there.” He chuckles a little.
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