I wince at the thought of him searching for a girl in a morgue who looks like me so he can burn her for some fake evidence, but it doesn’t surprise me that he’d go to those lengths. Sebastian has always been crazy. Obsessive. Just like me.
“I had to go looking for Ashley. For you.”
“We could’ve done it together!” I growl.
I’m looking for things to take my rage out onto. Searching for a reason behind my anger, trying to blame his actions instead of my own emotions. Anything to avoid the irreversible, to ignore the feelings for him that still linger in my heart.
“My priority is and always has been your safety. I won’t take anything less. If that meant hurting you, then so be it. I’d rather see you alive and well, angry at me, than dead because you’re with me.”
He smiles, taking another step forward. His face is nothing but light, love, and peace, and I get so angry seeing it. I don’t know why.
“You’re a photographer now,” he says. “I’m proud of you for finishing your study.”
“The one you and your men interrupted.” My voice is laced with bitterness.
“That’s exactly why I’m happy that you managed to turn your life back around to the way it used to be again.”
“Nothing will be as it used to be.”
He muffles a laugh. “True. Not as long as I live.”
I clear my throat. It’s becoming harder and harder to open my mouth without having to push back the tears. “Well, you went to look for Ashley. Where is she then?”
At the sound of her name, he frowns, and then his head lowers as he gazes down to the ground.
“This is why I came to you,” he says.
He takes another step, but I don’t move a muscle.
“Forgive me …” he mutters. “I made you a promise.”
He licks his lips. The more he speaks, the more I begin to shiver. Terror claims my body.
“There are not enough words to describe how much I truly hate myself for wanting you so much, for needing you so badly, for being so goddamn selfish that I had to see you. I had to come see you, Lillith. All these months, I have never stopped thinking about you. You’re all that’s on my mind, and I long to hold you again, to have you by my side forever.”
He bites his lip, his eyes glazy. “But I do not deserve you. I am so, so sorry, and there is nothing that will make up for my failure.”
My eyes widen, my hands now shaking heavily.
“I didn’t keep my promise. I didn’t bring her back to you. I’m sorry, Lillith. I’m so sorry. For everything,” he says.
Tears stream down my face. I can’t stop them anymore.
“I don’t need anything but you,” he says. “I have nothing else. Nothing. Nothing worthy. They took everything from the both of us. I could give you everything, my love, my heart … my life. I will give you my life.”
He goes to his knees, placing his hands behind his head.
“Which is why I’ve come here. I failed you. I didn’t deliver on my promise, and a promise is a promise. If I didn’t come back with her, you could kill me. Now you have the chance.”
He looks me dead in the eye as I have the gun pointed at his face.
“That gun you hold in your hands is yours now. Kill me, Lillith. You hold the power. My life isn’t valuable. I’ve done despicable things. And now that I’ve failed in the last thing I wanted to do to make you happy, my final act of selflessness, it’s time to end it all. Kill me, before I change my mind. Before I have another chance at being selfish. Kill me now, and it all ends with me,” he says.
I can’t believe what he’s saying, and yet I know exactly where this is leading.
I’ve been living toward it for months, knowing this moment would come.
This moment where he’d offer up his life as a final gesture.
“I want you to be happy,” he says with a smile on his face. “I am the key, Lillith. I am the final piece of the puzzle. Your hatred is all directed at me. The men don’t know you’re alive, and with me gone, you’ll be completely free of us all. You can truly start over. This is my gift to you. This is what I owe you.”
I shake my head, but the gun is still pointed at his forehead. It’s hard; it’s so goddamn hard to decide what to do.
“Pull the trigger, Lillith,” he says. “Punish me for everything that we did to you and your friend. Punish me for failing to bring your friend back to you. Punish me for not making the right decisions.”
Both my hands are on the trigger, sweat dripping down my face as I contemplate whether to actually shoot him. If I did, he’d be gone and all of my worries and sorrow would disappear with him. He is the cause and reason behind our demise, and because of him, I will never see Ashley again. He kept me in the hospital, led me to believe that I was insane, and captured me when I escaped, using me as a sex doll. He didn’t let me go so I could save Ashley, and when I finally had the chance, she was gone. Because of him, my bunny and my mom died. The men were even behind my father’s murder. They took everything from me. And now I have the chance to take everything from at least one of them.
I could kill him and all of it would be over.
No more secret visits. No more pain. No more us.
All of it would be gone.
And yet, somehow, deep in my mind, I know that I can’t do it. I can’t kill him because I don’t want to. I don’t want him dead, nor gone. This is the reason that I was so angry. Not because he hurt me, not because he left me, but because I need him so much.
I’m angry with myself for knowing that I cannot pull that trigger.
Because I love him.
It’s true. I’ve been ignoring it for so long, but I can’t ignore my heart screaming out for him, begging him to stop. To come and take me in his arms again, being able to let go. Together.
No matter how fucked up we are, how fucked up he is for participating in my downfall, how fucked up I am for desiring to spend every waking minute in his presence, even if it means betraying everything I ever believed was right, there is only one conclusion. I need him. More than I need freedom. More than I need my own life. More than I need revenge.
This choice between retribution and love was never a choice, but an inner struggle of acceptance.
However, there is no denying what I feel for him, and how much it hurt for him to be gone, and how much pain I feel at seeing him stand before me like this, offering up his very existence.
The biggest regret, heart-shattering sorrow, and bitterest anger still don’t measure up to the love I feel.
Even if I wanted to, I couldn’t kill him. He is what kept me going all this time, what kept me hopeful, kept me alive.
There was never an if, only a when.
The moment that I was able to accept myself for loving him.
And that moment is now.
Accompanying Song: “Walking Backwards” by Leagues
Patapsco Valley State Park, Baltimore – November 9th, 2013
The gun drops to the ground as I run to him. With his jaw dropped and a confused look on his face, he stands up as I jump into his arms. I hug him tighter than I think I ever did before, giving it all. Tentatively, he places his hands on my back, which have never felt warmer or more comfortable.
“Lillith …” he murmurs.
I bury my face in his chest, wrapping my arms around him, squeezing him.
He chuckles. “Can’t breathe.”
“Not an acceptable excuse,” I say.
He laughs. “Did you shoot me? Because I feel like I’m in heaven.”
I laugh, punching his shoulder, which makes him cough, but I keep hugging him anyway.
“Well, if this is the afterlife, I’ll gladly take it,” he muses, planting a quick kiss on the top of my forehead.
“It’s not, because this place is way too pretty to be hell.”
He snorts. “I knew you’d say that. You think that I belong in hell. And you’re probably right, too.”
“No …”
I can feel him smirk against my skin. “Liar.”
“Well, you’re a liar, too, so then we have lots in common.”
“I know that I’ve lied, but I’m done now. I’m not going to hurt you.”
“And I’m not going to kill you.”
“Why not? I deserve it,” he says, caressing my back. “It’s okay if you want a final hug before you do. I get it.”
“No, I’m not going to do it. Period.”
“Is it not what you want? To be completely free? I refuse to be a burden to you.”
“You’re not, and no, it’s not what I want,” I say, sniffing as I take in his scent.
“You should be happy. Tell me what makes you happy,” he says.
“You.” I look up to meet his gaze. “I want it to be you who makes me happy.”
He licks his lips, which transform into a smile again. “Tell me how.”
“Don’t leave. Ever. And treat me good.”
“But my life is useless. Worthless because of all the wrong decisions I made.”
“Your life is worth it to me.”
His eyebrows raise. “Are you sure? I can do it myself if you won’t.”
“Yes, I’m sure.”
“So, after everything I did, you don’t want me dead?”
“No, shut up. I’m done thinking about it. This is what I want.” I cup his face with my hands, the feeling so familiar and yet so far away that it makes goosebumps appear all over my skin.
“You’re an angel, little fairy,” he muses. “For being able to even tolerate me. But I don’t understand why.”
“I love you, Sebastian. That’s why.”
He bites his lip, a cheeky smile appearing on his face. He knew why, he just wanted to hear me say it. I can tell from the raised eyebrows.
“You don’t know how long I’ve wanted to hear those words. It was worth the wait, but it took you long enough.”
I frown, smirking. “Don’t get cocky.”
“Hey, it was this or eternal damnation. I prefer to look on the brighter side. You don’t want to kill me. That’s a huge plus.”
“I didn’t say I’d forgive you.”
He nods deeply. “Right. I didn’t ask you to, though.”
I squint. “Keep pushing and I might grab that gun anyway. Plenty of other places I can shoot that won’t kill you.”
He laughs. “Now you’re really starting to take after me. Such a feisty woman you’ve become. Come here.”
He licks his lips before grabbing my face and leaning in to kiss me. When his mouth meets mine, I let go of everything that I ever thought I wanted and focus on what I really need. This is what I truly need. Just him and all his love. His kisses set me on fire; his soft, smooth licks take my breath away. He’s gentle and rough at the same time, staking a claim on my mouth like he never gave me up. Like my mouth was his to begin with. I’m lost in delirium, lost in everything that’s he and I. It was, and always has been, only he who could sweep me off my feet, and now he’s done it again.
When he takes his mouth off mine, I’m at a loss of words, desperate to latch onto his mouth again.
“I love you, Lillith Carrigan. Nothing’s going to change that, ever. These months apart mean nothing, because I got a chance to kiss you again. My little fairy. All mine.”
I smile as he wipes away a tear that trickles down my cheek.
“Don’t cry.”
“They’re happy tears. Surprise tears.” I laugh it off. “It’s still kind of hard to believe.”
“You knew I would come back to you someday.”
I nod.
“I’m glad you found your way back to doing the things you love, despite me leaving. You’re everything I’d hoped you’d turned out to be,” he says. “Everything I’ve ever wished for but never deserved. I’ll work every day of the rest of my fucking life to be worthy of your love, Lillith. If you’ll accept me, that is. Me and everything that comes with me … my way of loving you, in all its kinkiness.”
“I wouldn’t have it any other way.”
The way he bites his lip makes my stomach flutter.
“Good … because I gave you a choice, so you could end it all and be rid of me for good, but your chance is gone now. You’re mine and I’ll never stop coming after you. You can run all you want, but I’ll find you and claim you again … and you know exactly how,” he growls, the intonation setting me ablaze. “By all means, run. Try if you can. I like the hunt.”
“Is that a challenge?” I ask, lifting my eyebrows.
He leans in so close that I can feel his hot breath tingle on my skin.
Then he fake bites in the air.
Jolted into action, I lean back, squealing. He growls like a beast, laughing, making me turn around and run away from him. Triggered by the impending chase, I rush through the woods, further away from the world of the living, and back into the never-ending maze that resembles his love. I am desperate to get lost.
His footsteps follow right behind me, and when he almost catches up to me, I squeal, running faster until my lungs can’t expand any further. The adrenaline is like a drug arousing me, making me want to keep running just for the thrill of it. With the wind blowing through my hair, the cold keeping me alert, the sharp sun blinding my path, and this man, my man, chasing after me, I feel more alive than ever. I feel free.
Something makes me stumble, and then a big tug on my leg causes me to fall down. It takes me a second to realize it’s Sebastian’s hand wrapped around my ankle.
“Gotcha,” he growls.
I squirm as he crawls on top of my back and pins me down to the ground. I huff air into the soil, dirt smeared all over my clothes and the side of my face. He grabs my wrists tight, pushing them above my head while he sits on top of me like he just conquered some prey.
“Nowhere to run, little fairy. Nowhere to hide.”
I can feel his cock pushing into my butt as he lowers himself on top of me. “Mine.”
His tongue dips out to lick the tip of my ear, causing me to moan. “Such a dirty girl. The wrong kind of dirt.”
I giggle. “What are you going to do about it?”
“Oh, you’ll see …” he growls.
He plants his lips on the back of my neck, sucking hard before sinking his teeth into my flesh. I squeal, loudly, but then it turns into a much-wanted gasp. Something I knew that I needed.
“You taste so good … I could lick and bite you all day long,” he murmurs. “Maybe I should.”
He pushes down upon me, breathing hot air into my ear. “Or maybe I should just fuck you right here in this forest, with your face down in the mud, because you refused to listen to me when I told you to kill me. You know that’s disobeying me … and I don’t accept disobedience.”
I grin, silently smiling to myself. “You wouldn’t.” But I know he will.
It’s exactly what I want, what I always needed, what I crave, and what I’m finally giving into.
God, it’s so long ago that I felt his arms around me, his hands on my wrists, his body on top of me, smelled his scent, felt his rugged skin against mine. I feel like a junky who’s been deprived for so long that she can hardly breathe.
This is where I belong. Trapped beneath his arms, encapsulated by his love. I’m home.
Accompanying Song: “Walking Backwards” by Leagues
I fought my instinct to be with her, but in the end, it was my heart that won the war. My conscience weighed down on me, but she accepted me as I came to her. With bared hands and the truth rolling from my tongue, I knew I was making a risky bet, but it was worth the gamble.
Either she would’ve killed me or I’d be holding her in my arms again. I was happy with either choice, as I wouldn’t have wanted to keep living without her to love. I didn’t expect her to make the choice she did, but I am glad.
Now, I have plenty to love.
I couldn’t even wait until I got back to the hotel with her, so I fucked her in the forest instead. Pulled her up from
the ground, pushed her against a tree, ripped down her panties, and shoved my cock into her already wet pussy. Oh, she was so goddamn ready for me. She and I both knew it was what she wanted, what I wanted.
There is no denying it; we belong together.
I fucked her hard and fast, giving her pussy equal attention afterward. Then I dragged her back to the hotel I was staying at only to fuck her again. God, I think we did it four times in one day. It was amazing, and I intend to do that a lot more often. I’ll fuck her and love her every hour of every day for as long as I live because that is what she deserves, and much, much more.
As we lie in the bed and I kiss her bruised shoulder that’s quite red from all the rough fucking, she grabs the remote control and turns on the television.
“Did I say you could do that?” I say.
“No, but I’m doing it anyway.”
“Cheeky girl.” I slap her ass so hard that she screams. It leaves a mark, which makes me grin.
“Ow!”
“That’s what you get for not asking permission.”
“That’s not fair; you’re not giving me any time to adjust to the fact that you’re back in my life again. I went five months without this.”
“Five months without me to dominate your every waking thought?” I lift an eyebrow. “Are you telling me that you had no one to spank you?”
She flushes. “No, but I wasn’t looking for it either.”
“You must’ve missed these hands turning your skin red, then. Time’s about to change.” I tickle her ass.
Suddenly, her eyes move away from me and focus solely on the television, which pisses me off a bit. Especially when she turns up the volume. She seems particularly interested in this news item that flashes by, and I know exactly the reason why.
She gazes at the screen in complete shock, her mouth hanging wide open, her eyes peeled.
“Oh, my God …” she mutters.
The reporter speaks about it as if it’s the most important case of the century and rightfully so.
A smirk forms on my face. My plan has been executed perfectly, and although there were some deviations, it still pulled through. In the end, I won. I didn’t expect it to happen like this, but it did the trick.
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