“What a terrible time you've had,” he said as the others left them alone, and they sat down on a log for a few minutes so she could regain her composure. But just being with him she felt better. Maybe because he hadn't had an easy time either. His wife had died an agonizing death and he had been with her every moment. But she had made her peace with it finally, and he had been willing to let her go. The doctor said he had to do it, to set her free spiritually so she could die in peace. And she had died in his arms on Christmas morning.
“I'm sorry I'm such a mess. He did something to me… he just reached out and touched my heart. I don't know why that happened.”
“Some things just happen,” he said gently, as he wondered how her son had died, but he didn't want to ask her. And she could sense what he was thinking.
“My son committed suicide,” she said as though he had asked her a question, but he hadn't. And she had never said it before to anyone except Zoe. She had never had to. And no one had ever asked her. “He was at Princeton.” She told him about it then, and what it had been like, the shock, the agony of it, the funeral, her husband's reaction, all of it. It was a terrible story.
“What a nightmarish experience for all of you. It's a wonder any of you survived it,” he said with admiration.
“We didn't. My husband's a zombie, our marriage died a year ago. And I think my daughter would be just as happy if she never had to come home again, and I'm not sure I blame her. I just want to get out of there now, to put it behind me.”
“Are you sure?” he asked cautiously, wondering now that he had heard the story. They were all in shock. But what if they came out of it? She and her husband had a long history together.
“I think I'm sure,” she said honestly. “I wanted the summer to think about it,” and then she smiled, “I never expected anything like this to happen.” And she still didn't know what had, or if anything would come of it. Maybe she'd never see him again after two weeks at the ranch. That was a possibility too. She wasn't leaving Bill for him. She was doing it because she had to. “I just need to walk carefully here. I want to do the right thing, for all of us, and I think I know what that is now.”
Hartley nodded, and said nothing, he just held her, and a little while later, he walked her back to her cabin. Zoe and Tanya were having a cup of coffee, and Hartley joined them while Mary Stuart went to take a quick shower. They had just heard the lunch bell. And eventually the two women decided to go up to the dining room and get their table. They left Hartley to wait for Mary Stuart. But they were all somewhat sobered by the morning. And Mary Stuart was surprised when she came out of her bedroom, to find that her two friends had gone, and Hartley was still waiting. She thanked him for waiting for her, and he looked at her gently, and she was suddenly worried about him. He had been through a lot too, and he was being very generous with her. She had no right to hurt him by what she was doing.
“I don't want to do anything that will hurt you,” she said as she walked slowly toward him. She'd been thinking about it all morning. She was so attracted to him, but she didn't want to be selfish. She hadn't completely resolved the issue of Bill in her head yet, although she thought she was fairly sure of what she wanted to do now. But she still needed a little time before she told him. “You've been so good to me, and I barely know you. You've been kinder than anyone in my life, Hartley, except Tanya.”
“Thank you,” he said, and sat down on the arm of the couch as he watched her. She was wearing a red T-shirt and jeans, and she made his heart race. “I'm a grown man, Mary Stuart. Don't worry about me. We've both been through a lot, I don't want either one of us to get hurt. But I understand what the risks are. Let me do this. I want to be here with you.” She couldn't believe what she was hearing. He wanted to take a chance on her, to see if she left Bill, to wait and see what happened. And then, without saying another word to her, he took two steps toward her and pulled her into his arms and kissed her. She smelled of perfume and soap and toothpaste, everything clean and appealing, and he ran his hands through her hair as he held her. He hadn't kissed a woman in so long he had almost forgotten what it felt like, and neither of them were old enough to give up all they once had. They were like two people who had swum the English Channel and had finally crawled up on shore together, they were cold, they were tired, they were starving, but they were so grateful to have survived, and to be together. He smiled down into her eyes and then kissed her on the lips again, and she had never known a touch as tender. She suspected, without even wanting to, that he would be an incredible lover. She had no idea where this would go, and neither did he, but for the moment, they were here, in Wyoming, together, and it was all they needed.
Chapter 15
On their third day in Wyoming, Zoe lay in bed and stretched sleepily. It was not quite seven o'clock and she was going to get up in a few minutes. She could hear someone stirring in the kitchen. Mary Stuart had just gotten up, and she was yawning as she started to go to the kitchen to make a pot of coffee, and she almost jumped a foot when she ran into Tanya.
“What are you doing here?” Mary Stuart said in amazement. She had never gotten up at that hour in her life, not even in college.
“Last time I looked, I live here!” She had made coffee, and muffins, and taken a yogurt out of the fridge, and she looked as though she'd already brushed her teeth and washed her face, and when Zoe came out of her room, she couldn't believe it either.
“Is something wrong?” Zoe looked worried when she saw them. Maybe there was a problem of some kind. There had to be a real emergency to get Tanya out of bed at that hour, and she couldn't believe it when she found out there wasn't.
“Oh, for God's sake, what is it with you two? I just wanted to get an early start.” But they weren't buying her explanations.
“I know what it is,” Zoe said with a broad grin. It was her turn now. Tanya had pressed Zoe about Sam and Mary Stuart about Hartley. “It's Gordon.”
“Don't be stupid,” Tanya said, “he's a wrangler.”
“What difference does that make?” Zoe said matter-of-factly. “He looks at you like you walk on water.”
“Oh, bullshit,” Tanya said as she bustled around the tiny kitchen, but there was more truth to it than they knew. The previous afternoon, they had talked of many things while they were riding. Little Benjamin's accident had shaken all of them and turned the mood serious. Gordon had talked about his son. He was grown now and Gordon hadn't seen him in two years, but he was obviously fond of him. Tanya spoke of her failed marriage to Bobby Joe, she considered it her only real one, and still regretted that it hadn't held up to the rigors of her career, although she admitted that by now she would probably have outgrown him, but now and then she still missed him. And now that she was alone again, she wondered what it was all about. What was she going to end up with? A bunch of gold records, a pile of money, a big house? She had no husband, no kids, no one to take care of her when she got old, no one to be with, and share her victories and defeats with. It all seemed so pointless, and the place she had reached in her life seemed so empty. It was what everyone in Hollywood wanted, and the truth was it meant nothing to her. It had been serious stuff to share with him, but he had made a lot of sense, and been very comforting to her. He was smart and practical and down-to-earth, and so was she, and in an odd way they had a lot in common. He would have liked to talk to her some more, but they had to go back to the corral, and the wranglers were only allowed to eat with the guests on Sunday, unless they had a day off, which Gordon did. But Tanya liked talking to him. There were many things she liked about him. And she didn't mind his simplicity or his occasional roughness. He was never unkind, or thoughtless, there was nothing greedy or cruel about him, and he was very intelligent. She even liked the fact that they were fellow Texans, but she didn't feel ready to tell the others.
“Are you keeping secrets from us?” Zoe teased her, and Mary Stuart laughed at her too. But Tanya just ignored them and went to finish dressing. She looked particu
larly spectacular that day in a pair of bleached jeans, and a peach colored T-shirt. She was even wearing a new pair of boots, a pair of apricot hand-embroidered ones that she had bought a while before in Texas.
And when they went to the dining room for breakfast with the other guests, Hartley was waiting for them. He looked very cheerful, and very comfortable as he put an arm around Mary Stuart, and said a warm hello to the others. He smelled of soap and aftershave, and looked very handsome in a white shirt and blue jeans, and Tanya couldn't help thinking that he and Mary Stuart looked terrific together. They looked as though they were meant to be, and Zoe agreed with her, as she commented on it later, on the way to the stables.
Little Benjamin was waiting for them there, and having everyone sign his cast. Tanya gave him a big kiss and an autograph, and a bunch of young girls asked her for one too, and their mothers let them. People were more relaxed about seeing her around, but no one was taking sneaky pictures of her, which she appreciated. And when Gordon saw her, he waved, he was saddling up a bunch of horses. As always they were among the last to ride, and Mary Stuart sat on a bench with Benjamin on her lap, nuzzling his neck, and talking to him. He was like a gift now.
“You sure scared us yesterday, you wild guy you,” she said, remembering the sight of him flying toward the stables on the runaway horse and then sailing into the air, and onto the rocky roadway.
“The doctor said I should have broken my neck, but I didn't.”
“Well, that's lucky.”
“Yeah, and my mommy cried.” He looked at Mary Stuart seriously then. “You were right. She says she's never gonna love the baby like she loves me. I told her you said so.”
“Good.”
“She said I'd always be special.” And then he brought tears to her eyes again with a gesture that hit her like a fist to the solar plexus. “I'm sorry about your little boy,” he said as he kissed her.
“Me too,” she said, as her eyes filled with tears and her lips trembled, and Hartley watched her. “I still love him very, very much,” she said, barely able to speak. “He's still very special.”
“Can you see him sometimes?” he asked, puzzled by death. They were the kind of questions Todd would have asked her at his age, and she would have tried to answer, but she was honest with him.
“No, I can't. Not anymore. Just in my heart. I see him there all the time. And in pictures.”
“What's his name?”
“Todd.” Benjie nodded, as though that were sufficient introduction. And then a little while later he got off her lap and went to look at the horses, and then back up to their cabin to his mother. He seemed satisfied with his visit, and then Mary Stuart and Tanya and the others went out with Gordon. Hartley was looking at Mary Stuart, and she smiled. Dealing with Benjamin was still painful. He was so direct with her, but maybe it was healthy for her. It certainly wasn't easy, and Hartley gave her a quick squeeze before she got on her horse and told her she was terrific.
“I don't know what I ever did to get so lucky,” she answered.
“Clean living,” he teased her. And they had a nice ride that morning. Zoe was looking tired, so she took it easy, and the doctors had gone for a rafting trip in Yellowstone, so she rode along with Hartley and Mary Stuart. And Gordon and Tanya rode on ahead, and he invited her to the rodeo that night. He was in it.
“Are you kidding? What events do you ride in?”
He looked sheepish for a minute. “Bulls and broncs. I've done it since Texas.”
“Are you crazy?” She'd been to those rodeos as a kid. The guys got stomped on and dragged around, half of them were brain damaged before they were thirty, the others had so many broken bones, they walked like old men even though they were in their twenties. “That is a really dumb thing to do,” she said, looking angry. “You're a smart guy, why risk your life for a couple of hundred dollars, or a silver buckle?” He had ten of them at home, but so what, if he wound up crippled?
“They're just like your platinum records,” he said quietly, not surprised at her reaction. His mother said the same thing, and so did his sisters. Women just didn't get it. “Like what you have to go through to get a gold record, or an Oscar. Look at the torture they put you through, rehearsals, threats, bad managers, tabloids. It's a lot easier riding a bronc for ninety seconds.”
“Yeah, but I don't get dragged around on my head in horse shit until I'm brain dead. Gordon, I disapprove of this,” she said sternly, and he looked disappointed. Maybe she was a big-city girl after all, and not a Texan.
“Does that mean you won't come tonight?” He looked crushed, and she shook her head, but she was smiling.
“Of course I will. But I still think you're crazy.” He grinned at her then and lit a cigarette. “What are you riding tonight?”
“Saddle broncs. That's easy.”
“Show-off.” She was excited about it. She loved rodeos, and she'd been planning to go anyway. He invited her to come see him at the pens, and she said she would if she could find him. It wasn't always easy for her to get around either. If people recognized her, it would restrict her movements, and she might even have to leave if people really surrounded her. She never went to public events like that without a bodyguard, but she didn't want to this time. She was just going to go in her bus, with Tom, and Zoe and Mary Stuart. And Hartley, if he wanted to join them. But Tanya could hardly wait to see it. And she had just the outfit for it.
She was like a kid going to the fair when they got dressed that night before dinner. She came out of her room wearing soft beige suede jeans with fringe down the side, and a matching beige suede shirt with the same fringe and a suede neck scarf. And she had a cowboy hat exactly the same color. It looked very Western, but she had bought it all in Paris, and the suede was so soft it felt like velvet on her body.
“Wow! You Texans!” Mary Stuart complained. She had worn emerald-green blue jeans and a matching sweater, with black alligator boots from Billy Martin's. And Zoe was wearing stretch jeans with a Ralph Lauren military jacket. As usual, they were the best-looking group in the place, and Hartley had started calling them “Hartley's Angels,” which amused them.
It was a lively dinner that night, and Benjamin was running all over the dining room while his mother was threatening to go into labor. She said it had been a traumatic week and she couldn't wait to get home to Kansas City that weekend, and Mary Stuart couldn't blame her. It was not the kind of week you would have wanted to have while eight months pregnant, but Mary Stuart was happy she'd met Benjie. He made her sign his cast for a second time, and right after dinner, they went out to Tanya's bus and left for Jackson Hole with Hartley. He had agreed to join them at the rodeo, and he was enthralled by the bus as they drove there. He loved it.
“I can't believe this,” he said, amused by all of it. “And I thought I was hot stuff with a Jaguar.”
“I drive a ten-year-old Volkswagen van,” Zoe confided to him, and he laughed. But it was for a good cause in her case, every penny she had she put into the clinic to buy medicine and equipment.
“I'm afraid the literary world can't compete with Hollywood,” he said apologetically. “You beat us hands down, Tanya.”
“Yeah, but look at the shit we have to put up with. You people work like gentlemen. The people I deal with are savages, so I deserve this.” She justified it and they all laughed, but no one begrudged it to her, not even Hartley. She worked hard for her money.
And in the comfortable bus, the time passed quickly on the way into Jackson Hole from Moose, and half an hour later they were at the rodeo, and they were nearly half an hour early. The ranch had gotten them great tickets. And it all had a familiar smell and feel to it that reminded Tanya of her childhood. It was just the way Tanya remembered it when she was a little girl. She used to ride her pony over and watch all of it. And when she was a little older she rode in it a few times, but her daddy said it was too expensive, and she wasn't all that crazy about horses. She just loved the excitement. It was like the circ
us.
They took their seats and bought popcorn and Cokes, just as an official of the rodeo approached her. She wondered if there was something wrong, if they'd had a death threat or a security problem, the man approaching them looked extremely nervous, and Hartley became instantly protective and stood in front of her as the man approached them and asked to speak to Tanya.
“May I ask what this is about?” Hartley asked politely, sensing some kind of danger, or imposition at the very least, as she had.
“I'd like to speak to Miz Thomas,” he said with an accent Tanya recognized easily as Texas and not Wyoming. “We have a favor to ask her.” He peered over Hartley's shoulder at her and added, “As a fellow Texan.”
“What can I do to help you?” She stepped forward. She had decided he was harmless, though annoying.
“We were wondering if…” He was sweating uncontrollably, he had been delegated for this task, and he was wishing someone else had done it. And her bodyguard really scared him. He was very well dressed, and a little awesome. It was, of course, Hartley, though she had bought a ticket for Tom too, but she didn't know where he was sitting. “Miz Thomas,” the man from Texas went on nervously, “I know you probably don't do this, and we can't pay you anything… but we wondered… it would be a real honor…” she wanted to shake him to help him get the words out,“… if you'd sing the anthem for us tonight.” She was so startled she didn't answer for a moment. She had done that before, but there was something touching about it. It was a hard song to sing, but in a way it would be fun to do it. Right out in the open, with the mountains all around them. It was such a sweet idea that she smiled at him, and wondered what Gordon would think if she did it. In a funny way, she wanted to do it for him, to wish him luck on his bronco.
“It would be an honor,” she said seriously, and meant it. “Where would you like me to do it?”
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