“Don't be silly.” Their eyes met and held and they each knew what the other was thinking. There was real love there, and compassion and caring. They were the kind of friends that came along once in a lifetime. “We want you to take care of yourself. Stay in bed today, get lots of rest. I'll come back at lunchtime to see if you need anything,” Tanya said as she put an arm around her. She was surprised to realize that under the flannel nightgown, Zoe was incredibly frail, even more so than she looked. There was barely any meat on her.
“Do you want us to stay with you?” Mary Stuart asked generously, and Zoe told her that she didn't.
“I just want you two to have a good time. You both deserve it.’ I They'd all been through rough times in different ways, death, divorce, all the trauma of which life was made and that challenged one's very survival.
“We all deserve a good time,” Mary Stuart said, “so do you.”
“I just want to get back to work,” she said, she was beginning to feel really guilty for being so lazy, and a second week away seemed absolutely sinful. But she knew she needed to recover from the little episode she'd just been through.
“Be a good girl and be lazy.” Tanya wagged a finger at her, and a few minutes later she and Mary Stuart left for breakfast.
Hartley inquired about their friend, and they sat and talked quietly about her over breakfast. They thought she was very brave, and Tanya was grateful that Sam was being so supportive.
“He must be quite a man,” Hartley said admiringly when Mary Stuart told him of Sam's reaction when Zoe told him. They still hadn't said she had AIDS and they didn't plan to. He thought she had cancer.
“She might recover,” he said hopefully, but it was obvious that he thought it was unlikely and so did they. “I knew another couple who did something like that, got married in the face of a terminal prognosis. They were the most remarkable people I ever met, and probably the happiest, and I think she lived a lot longer because of it. He just refused to let her go, she fought valiantly, and I think their love added years to her life. I've never forgotten them. I don't think he ever remarried when she died, he wrote a book about it, about her, and it was the most touching thing I've ever read, I cried from beginning to end, but I can't tell you how I admired him. He loved her more than any man could love a woman.” There were tears in Mary Stuart's eyes as she listened, and she wished that more than anything for Zoe.
Sam called Zoe that afternoon, and they talked for a long time. He wanted her to promise him, seriously, that they'd get married, and she was still accusing him of being crazy.
“You can't propose to me,” she said, touched and flattered and moved to tears by what he was saying, “you don't even know me.”
“I've known you for over twenty-two years, I've worked with you off and on for five. I've probably been in love with you for the last twenty, and if we both were too dumb to see it then that's not my problem. You're so busy taking care of everyone else all the time, Zoe, you don't even see what's happening right next to you. I want to be there for you,” he said, and his voice was warm and gruff and sexy when he said it.
“You already are there for me, Sam,” she said softly, He was amazing.
“I'll be here for you as long as you want me. Besides, we haven't even had our first date yet.”
“I know. You haven't even tasted my lasagne.” There were so many things for them to do, so many things to discover about each other.
“I'm a great cook. What's your favorite kind of food?” He didn't know things like that about her, and he wanted to know them all now. He wanted to spoil her, and be there for her, and take care of her. He wanted to make history, and have her recover. But if she didn't, he'd be there for her too, until the bitter end. He knew now, to his very soul, that it was his destiny, and nothing she could have said to him would dissuade him or change that.
“My favorite kind of food?” She was smiling at his question. She almost didn't remember that she was sick. She felt better today, and she was so happy. It was all about now, about just being there at this very moment, and not worrying about tomorrow. “Actually… I think, takeout. You know, fast food, you stick it in the lab closet and eat three mouthfuls between patients.”
“You're disgusting. No more of that. Nothing but gourmet meals for you. Maybe I should do catering instead of locum tenens.” But he was going to be full-time now, and they both loved the idea. The idea of working with her daily really pleased him. Besides, he could keep an eye on her and make sure she didn't overdo it. “Speaking of which,” he had reminded her, “we need to find a new relief, you can't take calls for me if we're going to be together.” She was already assuming, as he was, that they would be together most of the time. The idea certainly appealed to her, now that he knew her situation, and she had a feeling that the relationship was going to be even better than either of them expected. And for a moment she smiled and thought of Dick Franklin. She could never have done anything like this with him, he would never have been there for her. She was just damn lucky she had known Sam Warner, and she knew it.
“We can cover for each other some of the time,” Sam said practically, “and I'll ask around if anyone knows someone good who could cover for us. There's a guy I did some work for whom I like, and a woman who's done a lot of AIDS work at General. She's young, but she's good. I think you'd like her.”
“Is she pretty?” Zoe asked with concern, and he laughed.
“You've got nothing to worry about, Dr. Phillips.” But he sounded pleased. “I didn't know you were jealous.” This was all so crazy and so wonderful. It was as though it had all come together like magic.
“I'm not, just smart and careful.”
“Fine, I'll put the word out, we're only looking for guys or ugly women to relieve us… Zoe, I love you.” There was something so tender in his voice that it brought tears to her eyes as she listened to him.
“I love you too, Sam,” she said, and he promised to call her later that afternoon, when he was finished working.
“Your patients are stacking up outside, I'd better get back to work before I close your clinic. Get some rest, and I'll call you later.”
“I think I might go to dinner tonight,” she said, looking up at the ceiling as they chatted. She really was feeling a lot better.
“Don't push too hard. Just take it easy, remember. I want to take you out when you get back, so rest up. There's a new restaurant on Clement I want to try.” It all sounded so alive and so real, and so hopeful.
And she said as much to Dr. Kroner that afternoon when he came by. But she didn't have to, he could see it. She was still a little dehydrated, and he wanted her to push fluids more, but she looked like a new woman. He knew that she was aware that she would have times like that, terrible moments, and episodes of illness or despair, and then she would rally. Eventually the bad times would outnumber the good ones, but not necessarily for a long time. She could go on like this for a long time before it got worse, or it could get worse very quickly. No one could predict it, and she knew that better than he did.
“Can your locum tenens guy stay on for a while?” he asked after he had checked her, and sat down to chat in her cabin.
“Actually, yes, he can,” she laughed, thinking of all the things Sam had said since the day before. “He can stay for quite a while. He's agreed to come in full-time.” She was smiling as she said it.
“That's terrific,” he said, looking pleased for her, and a little surprised that she looked so happy. The episode of the day before seemed to have left her almost ecstatic. It was an unusual reaction for someone who was potentially as sick as she was. “But how much of the work do you think you'll be willing to let him take on? You have to agree to give some of it up, Dr. Phillips,” he said, and she nodded, but she couldn't stop smiling.
“Actually, I think he'll be taking on quite a lot.” She paused as she looked at him. “He wants to get married,” she said, feeling like a kid again, and not even a sick one. She wasn't even sure if
they would, but the fact that he wanted to touched her deeply. Knowing that he wanted to be there for her meant everything, with or without a wedding. The wedding was only frosting on the cake, the important thing was that he'd be there for her, in sickness and in health, for better or worse. That was all that mattered.
Dr. Kroner congratulated her, and he looked pleased for her. Things certainly seemed to be working out well for her, and that was important. She said that she had told her friends about her illness too, and it had been very emotional for all of them, but she felt great support from all the people who really mattered to her.
“You know how much that means,” he reminded her. It was important not to make oneself vulnerable by telling the wrong people about the disease, those who couldn't handle it, and would shrink from patients in horror. But most people had a small core group who could make a difference, and now she had one.
They talked about her plans for a while, and her work, and her clinic, and Sam, and Jade, and the things she wanted to do when she got home. He reminded her not to overdo it, and she promised she wouldn't, but he said he didn't believe her.
“You're probably right,” she laughed. She couldn't wait to get back and see her patients, but she was having fun in Wyoming too, and she thought it was doing her good. Like the others, she had felt the same pull here. There was something almost mystical about the mountains.
And then he asked her something that surprised her. He said he wanted a favor from her, and she couldn't imagine what it was. But she was deeply touched when he asked if she would visit some of his patients. She was so knowledgeable and she had so much experience, it would be invaluable to him if she would see them. He only had about half a dozen, but he read everything he could, and had a huge library on AIDS-related research. He had copies of all her articles, he said. But having her actually consult with him would be the greatest help he could think of.
“Not until you're feeling stronger of course… maybe in a few days…” He looked up at her with hopeful eyes, and she told him she'd be happy to do it. In fact, she was honored,
“What kind of visiting services do you have?” she asked with interest.
“Not bad,” he said modestly, grateful for her interest. “We have a wonderful hospice group, and some terrific nurses. I see everyone I can. I go out to them, I try to rally their friends and families to help them. We're trying to organize some kind of a small central kitchen run by some friends, a little bit like Project Open Hand in San Francisco, on a smaller scale. I hope we never need to service that many people. For the moment, fortunately, we don't have that many cases. But with the influx of people from urban areas, people in the entertainment business, writers, people who just want to escape, I think that, conceivably, we could wind up with a lot more people coming here who have AIDS, possibly even in late stages, and in need of treatment. I'd appreciate all the input from you I can get,” he said, and she nodded soberly. She promised to send him some additional books too, volumes that had been useful to her, and even some of the articles Sam had recommended to her. They started discussing alternative medications then, and by the end of the afternoon they discovered they'd been talking shop for nearly two hours. She was tired by then, and he suggested she take a nap before she tackled dinner. She wanted to go to the dining room, to watch the two-step lesson they were having afterward. It sounded like fun and she knew the others were going. And she wanted to go with them.
“I'll come and see you at the hospital in a few days, or maybe you want me to do house calls with you. See what works best for you,” Zoe said helpfully, “I'm open to anything, just leave me a message.” They were doctor and student now, more than doctor and patient, but he knew that she was well aware, better even than he, of what she needed. She thanked him again for his help the day before, and when he left, she lay down again and fell asleep. She was sleeping soundly when the others came back from riding. It had been a pleasant afternoon for them. They had paired off as they often did now, Hartley rode with Mary Stuart, and Tanya rode on ahead with Gordon. And she was happy to hear he was coming to the dancing lesson in the main living room that night. It was one of the rare occasions when the wranglers were not only allowed to mingle, but asked to. And Gordon was particularly popular because everyone said he was such a good dancer.
Zoe woke up in time to get dressed, and chatted with her friends. With Zoe feeling so much better again, in spite of what they now knew of her disease, they were all in surprisingly high spirits. But their romances had them all laughing and talking and giggling. And once again it reminded all of them of the old days in Berkeley.
“God, it's like being kids again, isn't it?” Tanya said, still amazed at what was happening to each of them. “Do you suppose it's the water here?” She hadn't had as much to say to anyone in years as she seemed to with Gordon, and Mary Stuart and Hartley looked as though they had always been together. They were amazingly comfortable and completely at ease, and they seemed to have identical, or at least compatible, views on almost every subject.
“I've never known anyone like him,” she said. It made her think of living with Bill, even before Todd died. There had always been a considerable divergence of opinion between them, but she'd thought it was interesting, and even at the best of times, there had been a fair amount of amicable conflict. She used to think it gave texture to things, and it shed new light on a variety of situations. But in Hartley's case, everything was so much smoother. Now she saw what it was like being with someone who had the same ideas about things, shared the same views, it was like dancing with Astaire and being Ginger Rogers. She and Bill were no longer even in the same ballroom.
She was halfway out the door that night, in bright red jeans, a matching sweater, and lipstick exactly the same color and her dark hair pulled back, when the phone rang. The others had just gone on ahead, and she had stayed to look for the bright red cowboy boots she'd bought at Billy Martin's. She had just pulled them on and run out the door when the phone rang. And she was tempted not to answer. But it didn't seem fair to the others, it could have been a call from Zoe's child or one of her patients, or something warning Tanya of danger, or a potential problem. She hurried back into the room, carrying her red cashmere shawl, and picked up the phone, sounding breathless.
“Hello?”
“Is Mrs. Walker there.?” She didn't recognize the voice at first. It was a man and she couldn't imagine who was calling.
“This is she. Who is this?” she said formally, and then was startled by the answer.
“Mary Stuart? It didn't sound like you.” It was Bill, and it only underlined how remote they had become. Neither of them had recognized the other. But she hadn't spoken to him in days. Most of the time now, they exchanged brief and extremely uninteresting faxes.
“It didn't sound like you either. I was just running out to dinner.”
“Sorry if this is a bad time,” he said drily. It was three o'clock in the morning for him. And she couldn't imagine why he was calling.
“Is Alyssa all right?” Her heart skipped a beat as she asked him. It was the only reason she could think of now for him calling.
“She's fine,” he said calmly. “I spoke to her yesterday, they're having a ball in Vienna. They had just arrived from Salzburg. They're all over the place, but it's fun for them. I don't suppose we'll see her now all summer.” Mary Stuart smiled at the description of what she was doing. It sounded just like her.
“If you talk to her again, tell her I love her. She hasn't called me. I think the time difference probably makes it too difficult. But I figured she was okay, or she'd have called you. It's late for you. What are you doing up at this hour?” They were like business associates exchanging news, there was nothing personal between them.
“I was working late, and I was stupid enough to drink coffee this afternoon, so here I am, awake at this ungodly hour, so I figured I'd call you. The time difference never really works for me either.” Neither does our marriage, she wanted to add, but sh
e didn't.
“It's nice of you to call,” she said, but sounded unconvincing. She didn't even want to try anymore. She didn't want to warm up to him. She had made her decision. She wanted out now. And it had nothing to do with Hartley Bowman. It had everything to do with William Walker.
“What are you doing there? You haven't told me a thing in your faxes. In fact, I don't think I've heard from you in several days, have I?” He didn't even remember. But it didn't matter to Mary Stuart.
“You don't tell me much either,” she said pointedly.
“There's nothing to tell, I'm working. I'm not going to Annabel's or Harry's Bar. I'm sitting on my duff day after day, night after night, getting ready for this case. It's not much fun, but I think we're going to win it. We're very well prepared.”
“That's nice,” she said, looking down at her red leather boots, and thinking of her husband. But as she listened to him, she found all she could think of now was Hartley. And Bill suffered from the comparison. She couldn't imagine having this conversation with Hartley Bowman, or having the year she had just shared with him. She couldn't imagine any of it, or wanting to live through it again, or even continue any longer.
“What about you?” He was pressing her, and she didn't seem to want to talk. He noticed it too, and wondered about it.
“We're riding every day. It's incredibly beautiful here I've never seen anything like it. The Tetons are spectacular, better than Europe.”
“How are your friends?” Why was he so interested suddenly? She couldn't understand it.
“They're fine.” She didn't say a word about Zoe. “In fact, they're waiting for me for dinner.” She didn't tell him about the two-step lesson afterward, or about Zoe's illness. There was nothing she wanted to share with him. It was over.
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