“I won't hold you then. Give them my best.” She was about to thank him and say good-bye and there was an awkward pause at his end. It was late for him, and she hadn't seen him in weeks now.
“Stu… I miss you.” There was an endless silence after he said it. She didn't want to mislead him now, and she didn't know why he was doing this. After a year of silence and pain, why would he? Maybe he just felt guilty, or was sorry about what they no longer had, just as she was. But she wasn't going to play games with him, and she wasn't going to let him hurt her again. He had hurt her too much already. The doors were closed now. She wondered, from the hour and his tone, if he had been drinking. It wasn't like him, but it was late and he was alone, it was possible. Whatever the reason, she wasn't buying.
“Don't work too hard,” was all she said. A month before, six months before… a year before… she'd have felt like a monster for what she wasn't saying. But now she felt nothing at all as she said good-bye and hung up the phone, and hurried out the door to meet the others for dinner.
The two-step lesson that night was even more fun than anticipated. All the guests came, and Zoe sat wrapped in a blue cashmere shawl, she was wearing a soft chamois dress and beautiful turquoise earrings, and she looked lovely as she sat there. Some of the other guests had worn skirts that swirled as they danced. Tanya looked spectacular as usual in a white lace antique Victorian dress that managed to make her look both innocent and sexy. And Gordon looked totally overwhelmed by her when he saw her. He was wearing jeans and a clean cowboy shirt, a black Stetson and black boots. Tanya told him when they met that he looked like a cowboy in a movie. And Charlotte Collins asked that Gordon do the demonstration. He had apparently won several prizes for his two-step.
“Not just for riding bulls and saddle broncs, although he won't tell you that,” she teased. She was a wise and canny old woman. And she was keeping a motherly eye on Zoe, who was content to sit on the couch. She was not yet feeling up to dancing, but she was having a good time chatting with John Kroner, who had come for dinner and the evening. Charlotte invited him frequently, and he had come tonight just for the pleasure of seeing Zoe and to get a chance to talk to his hero.
“Has anyone here ever done the two-step before?” Charlotte asked, as Gordon came forward and several return guests raised their hands awkwardly, and Tanya couldn't help laughing.
“Not since I was about fourteen, Miss Charlotte.”
“That's right,” Charlotte smiled warmly at her, “we have a girl from Texas. Will you give it a whirl?” she asked, as though Tanya would be doing her a favor, and the guests instantly applauded. If they couldn't hear her sing, at least they could watch her do the two-step.
“I'm afraid I'll disgrace myself,” she laughed, “and you,” she said to Gordon as he approached her. But the temptation to dance with him was too great, the lure of him too strong, and she slipped her hand gently in his and headed for the middle of the floor as they turned on the music, and Charlotte explained to everyone how you did it. Gordon went through the motions with her slowly first, and then with the next song, he spun her around, walked her forward and back and twirled her, and everyone clapped, they looked fantastic together. It looked like a professional demonstration, and Gordon looked as though he were going to die of joy as Tanya twirled lithely around him and he took her in his arms as the song concluded.
“You Texas turkey,” he whispered to her with a broad smile, “you're better than I am. Don't tell me you haven't done that in a while.”
“I haven't,” she whispered back, but she'd had a great time. And they danced again, as the other couples joined them, and everyone tried and most of them stumbled. She and Gordon danced four more times, and then he changed partners and showed several others how to do it. But at the very end, he came back to her, and they did it one last time. Everyone had had a great time, and people were admiring her, but they left her alone now. They hardly even whispered when they saw her. She was a familiar sight here, and she was very comfortable on the ranch, and even more so with Gordon.
When the music was over, he stood around, and several other wranglers were talking to the guests as well. After five days together, they were all good friends, and a relationship had developed among them, though none quite as intense as Tanya and Gordon's. But much to their relief, absolutely no one seemed to suspect what had happened.
“I had a great time,” he smiled down at her, and she looked up at him with eyes full of excitement and laughter.
“Me too. You're a good dancer, Mr. Washbaugh.”
“Thank you, ma'am.” He stretched out his drawl and bowed to her and they laughed as Charlotte Collins joined them.
“You two should enter the contest at the state fair,” she said with a broad smile. “It sure is pretty when it's done right.”
“I'm afraid I'm pretty rusty,” Tanya said modestly. But she and Bobby Joe had entered all those contests and won them.
“Is everything all right?” Charlotte asked. She had been very concerned about Zoe. John Kroner hadn't told her what it was, but he said her condition was serious, and it concerned her. “Dr. Phillips is looking a little brighter.” But she was still pale, and in spite of her animated look, she seemed very fragile.
“She's feeling a lot better tonight,” Tanya said, looking relieved but still somewhat worried. When she took a little distance from her, she noticed again how pale and thin Zoe was. It was hard not to, but when you were talking to her, she was so alive and so intense that you forgot it.
“I see you're going back to the rodeo tomorrow,” Charlotte said with a smile. Tanya and the others had just ordered tickets before they went to dinner.
“Are you going to sing again tomorrow night? You were the talk of the town after Wednesday.”
“I'd like to,” Tanya smiled generously, tossing her long blond hair over her shoulder, and she saw out of the corner of her eye that Gordon was frowning. “Well see if they ask me, and how the crowd looks.” If she saw a lot of drunks, or it looked rowdier than it had on Wednesday night, then she wouldn't.
“Oh, they'll ask you. It was the high point of the year in Jackson Hole. Maybe the decade. You were nice to do it.” She smiled and then moved on to the other guests, and Gordon was still frowning.
“I don't want you to do that,” he whispered. “I don't like the way people get when you're close like that. If you're up on a stage, with security, they can't hurt you.”
“Yes, they can,” she said honestly, and she knew they might someday. She had worn a bullet-proof vest at a concert in the Philippines once and swore she'd never do that again. She had been shaking from head to foot and ready to throw up through the entire concert. “That's why I rode the horse the other night,” she said matter-of-factly. “I knew I could get the hell out of Dodge if I had to.”
“I don't like you taking chances,” he said, not wanting to be overbearing with her, but genuinely worried.
“I don't like you riding bulls and broncos.” She looked him straight in the eye while she said it. She knew this cowboy life. She came from it. And she knew the price you paid, and its dangers. But she knew her own world too, better than he did.
“Tell you what,” he said honestly, “we ever make a go of it, and I'll give up the bulls and broncs.”
“I'll hold you to it,” she said softly, and then she wanted to be honest with him too, “but I can't give up concerts, Gordon. That's how I make my living.”
“I know that. I wouldn't expect you to. I just don't want you to do some two-bit thing to be nice to them, and get hurt. It's just not worth it. They don't deserve it.”
“I know,” she sighed, looking up at him. It was hard to believe they were having this conversation, negotiating their future, what they would each give up and what they wouldn't. But there was no harm done, if it ever happened. “I just like to sing for the hell of it sometimes, without the promoters and the contracts and the hype and all the bullshit. It's fun to just do it.”
�
�Then sing for me,” he smiled.
“I'd love that.” There was an old Texas song she would have loved to sing for him. She had sung it as a kid at high school dances, and it had gotten popular since, but she had always thought of it as her song. “I will one day.”
“I'll hold you to that too.” There were a lot of promises floating between them.
They all stood around and talked for a while, and then Mary Stuart and Tanya took Zoe back to the cabin. Gordon had promised to show up later, if he could. He said he would just tap on her bedroom window. She told him which one it was, and then they left, and Hartley walked them back, and then sat outside with Mary Stuart. Tanya and Zoe were inside the cabin chatting.
Mary Stuart told him about the call from Bill before dinner, and he looked at her thoughtfully while she told him,
“He's probably realizing what he's missed, and what he's given up for all these months,” he said, thinking about it, and looking at her. “What are you going to do if he wants to fix it?”
“I can't imagine it,” she said honestly, “but I realized something when I talked to him tonight. I don't want to do that. I can't go back again. We can't undo the last year, or what happened to Todd. I don't think I'll ever forgive him for how he's behaved. That's a nasty thing to say, and it's mean-spirited of me, but to be honest with you, I think he killed it.”
“And if he didn't? If he comes back and tells you how much he loves you and how wrong he was, what then?” He wanted her to think about that before they made a mistake. They were both extremely attracted to each other, but they were being very cautious, and that was just what he wanted. He didn't want to get decimated either.
“I don't know, Hartley. I'm not sure. I think I know. I believe it's all over for me. I suppose there are no guarantees until I see him. I think I'll be sure then.”
“Why are you waiting until September for that?” It was a question she had been asking herself lately too. Originally, she had thought she needed time, and she was glad she'd have the summer in which to think. But ever since she'd been here, she realized that she was ready to tackle it now. It had even occurred to her that she might fly to London to talk to Bill, and she said as much to Hartley.
“I think that's a good idea,” he said gently, “if you feel ready for it. I don't want to push you.” They had known each other for five days, and it had been an extraordinary experience for both of them, but it was possible that it was all a dream, an illusion, or maybe it was real and something very special. Only time would tell. But first, she had to deal with her husband. Neither of them wanted to do anything confusing before she did that. And as tempting as it was to just fall into bed with each other, she knew they wouldn't.
“I'm going to Los Angeles with Tanya when I leave here. I was going to stay a week, but she's busy anyway.” She was thinking out loud and sharing it with him. “I think I'll stay for a few days, and then fly to London. I came here to think, and to decide what I wanted. And I knew the moment I came here. I think I knew before that.” She had known when she left her apartment in New York that she would never live there the same way again. She had been saying good-bye to her old life when she left it, and she knew that, and she said as much to Hartley.
“There's something about these mountains that gives you the answers to many things. I missed coming here after Meg died.” He smiled at Mary Stuart then and took her hand in his. “It would be amazing if I found my new life here, if I came here to find you,” and then he looked at her sadly, “but even if nothing comes of this, if you go back to him, I want you to know how happy you've made me. You've shown me that I'm not as alone as I think I am, that there is someone out there who can make me fall in love again. You're a beautiful gift I never expected, you're a vision of what life can be when two people love each other and are happy.” He was exactly the same for her. He was living proof that there was someone in the world who cared about her, that she could talk to easily, and who could love her. And she didn't want to give that up now. He wasn't asking her to, but he wanted her to be sure of what she wanted to do about her husband before moving toward him. Mary Stuart felt certain she had made her mind up.
“I don't think seeing him is going to change anything,” she said gently, holding Hartley's hand in her own and kissing it. He was so dear to her, she had grown so fond of him in such a short time, and they felt incredibly protective about each other. But they also knew that she needed to prove to herself what she still felt for Bill and what she didn't. And Hartley didn't want to rush her, but she insisted he wasn't.
“It was so strange when he called me tonight. It was like talking to a total stranger. I didn't even recognize him at first, nor him me, and I couldn't figure out why he was calling. It's sad to feel so far away from someone you once loved. I never thought it would happen to us.”
“You weathered one of life's cruelest blows,” he said sympathetically. “Most marriages don't survive it. The statistics are staggering. I think it's something like ninety-seven percent of people who lose children get divorced. You have to be awfully strong to withstand that,” he said kindly.
“And I guess we weren't.”
“I love being with you, Mary Stuart,” he said, smiling at her, and changing the subject. He wanted to move ahead with her, to be in New York with her, to go to Europe with her, to share his friends and his life and his career. There was so much he wanted to do with her, and he was anxious to get started. He had been alone for two years, but he knew he had to wait a little longer. She had to go to London to see her husband. But once she'd gone, if she was sure, the possibilities were limitless, and he knew that. There was nothing else left to hold them back from each other, although he was still a little bit concerned about her daughter. He had never had children of his own, and he wondered if Alyssa would resist him, if she would blame him for the divorce, and choose to hate him out of loyalty to her father. In fact, the divorce wouldn't have been because of him, but it might be hard for her to accept that. He had spoken to Mary Stuart about it that afternoon, and she admitted that she and Alyssa would have to do some very serious talking. But on the other hand, she wasn't willing to stay with her father just for her. Alyssa had to make her own life. And as Mary Stuart saw it, her own life was better than half over, this was her last chance possibly to make a life with a person she could really care about and who loved her. She wasn't going to let the chance pass her by out of loyalty to something she no longer had with a man who could no longer love her. She wanted to be with Hartley. They sat together for a long time, talking about the past, the present, and the future. And it was all agreed. She would go to London the week after they all left Wyoming. She didn't think she'd stay in London for more than a few days, possibly less if Bill didn't want to discuss it further. And she might try to meet up with Alyssa somewhere for a day. She wasn't sure if she would tell her yet, unless Bill thought they should, otherwise she thought telling Alyssa her parents were getting divorced could wait until September. But she just wanted to see her, if Mary Stuart could even find her on her trek around Europe. And then she would go home again, and get her life organized. She had no idea what Bill would want to do with the apartment. If he would want to keep it, or sell it, if he wanted to live in it, or thought she should. But she had already made her mind up about that too. She didn't want to live there. It was all too painful, and a constant reminder of tragedy every time she passed Todd's room. Whether or not his things were there made no difference. She knew he had once lived there, knew exactly where the Princeton banner had been, and the trophies, and the teddy bear on his bed when he was little. His things were put away now, and it was time for them to put their things away too. It was time for a whole new life for all of them, and hopefully, if she was very lucky, and the Fates were kind to her, hers would be with Hartley.
“Would you like to come to Fisher's Island with me when you get back?” he asked cautiously. “I have a funny old house there. I haven't been there much since Margaret died, but I thoug
ht I'd spend some time there in August.” She looked at him gratefully then, and nodded. He had his ghosts too, his old haunts, his routines. They both did.
“I'd love that. I didn't really know what to do with myself this year, with Bill away for so long. I was going to go out and see friends in East Hampton.”
“Come and stay with me then,” he said, nuzzling her neck. He wanted nothing more than to wake up next to her, to listen to the ocean and make love to her all afternoon and all night and all morning, and talk into the wee hours, and share his favorite books with her. He had already discovered that she was a passionate reader and they loved almost all the same authors. He had some wonderful first editions he wanted to share with her. He wanted to walk down the beach holding her hand, and tell her all his secrets. But they had already shared most of them, riding through the wildflowers across the foothills and the valleys of Wyoming. It was already wonderful, and it could only get better.
It was late when he finally pulled himself away from her, and they were both satisfied with their plan, that she should go to London after the following week, and then come and spend time with him on Fisher's Island. It was the trip to London that was so important. And as he said good night to her, he asked her one last painful question.
“And if he wins you back?”
“He won't,” she said, kissing him.
“He would be a fool not to,” Hartley whispered, and then kissed her. And if he did, Hartley knew he would have to find the way back without her. “Maybe we should figure out a signal,” he said, “so I'll know if my life is over or just beginning.”
“Stop worrying,” she said, and they kissed again, but he couldn't help it. He wanted her so badly. “I love you,” she said, and meant it to the depths of her soul. She barely knew him, and yet she knew she could spend the rest of her life with him, and never regret it for a moment. He was completely different from Bill, and yet she knew that she could have lived a lifetime with either of them and been perfectly happy. But her time with Bill had come and gone. And her time with Hartley was just beginning.
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