by Tanwen Coyne
My deepest affection, Arianwen
Arianwen had been in love then. Jennifer felt a little comforted by that fact. Perhaps loving Blodwyn had given her some happiness.
She got up, leaving the letters where they were. Somehow, reading that letter had given her the energy to do something.
There wasn’t much she could do. She hadn’t put any energy into finding work recently. It didn’t seem important. Not knowing what else to do, she checked her emails.
There was one from Seren Jones, the person she’d emailed about researching the village.
Hi Jennifer,
Thanks so much for replying! I’m really excited by the woman you mentioned. I think she may be a relative of mine. I’ve been trying to find out about a branch of my family which died out in the 1800s. My ancestor Hywell Jones received an inheritance from an unknown relative in 1879. Could this perhaps be Arianwen Jones? What do you know about her?
Seren Jones
Jennifer read the email over three times before she replied.
Hi Seren,
I think Arianwen did die in 1879. I am living in the house where she used to live and I’ve found a diary of hers and some letters. The last letter is dated 1879. Do you know whether your ancestor inherited the house as well?
Jennifer
Hi!
There was a property sold at around that time, to a Mr Marks. Hywell had moved away from Cilfachglas as a young man and couldn’t cope with the upkeep of two houses. I’m sure I’ve heard your name somewhere. Are you well known in London?
Seren
Hi Seren,
That makes sense. I inherited the cottage from my uncle. The family never really did anything with it. It still has Arianwen’s piano in it.
Not really well known, but I’ve had a few photos in a few galleries in London. Maybe you’ve seen my work?
Jen
Hey Jen,
Wow, she played the piano? Awesome. I love music. Must be in the family! Yeah, I think I must have! I saw a photographic exhibition last year on the old houses for the poor in London. What that you?
What are you up to today? I’ve got to deal with my new airhead cashier at work. She’s lovely but a bit dim. One of those who cares more about her nails than looking after customers!
Seren
Seren hummed along to the punk girl rock music which throbbed through the shop. That was one of the things she loved about her job. She could rock out whilst doing it. She knew a lot of the customers and she loved chatting with them and answering all their music related questions. She knew everything there was to know about rock music and a lot about every other type of music.
Today, as she bopped about filling up the CD racks, she was thinking about Jennifer. They’d been emailing now for a week. She looked forward to seeing Jennifer’s name in her inbox and began to look for it whenever her phone pinged that she had an email.
‘You’re cheerful today,’ said Anita, the young shop assistant. She leaned on the counter, filing her nails and not paying much attention to the cash register.
Seren grinned. ‘I’ve got good things on my mind.’
‘A girlfriend?’ Anita asked, sniggering a little. Being seventeen and a little empty-headed, she still thought it was hilarious that Seren was gay.
‘Just somebody I’ve been emailing. I don’t actually know her. Though I feel like I do, which is kinda weird.’
Anita laughed. ‘Sounds like you’re in love.’
Seren shrugged, smiling just a little. Maybe if I actually knew her. She carried on with her work. It had been a while since she’d had a girlfriend, or even gone on a date. She didn’t think she was particularly lonely. It wasn’t as if she had an unhappy life. But she would enjoy sharing her life with somebody.
Jennifer sat in her chair with another letter. She’d been slowly reading through the letters, which covered many years. They had told the story of Arianwen falling in love with Blodwyn, then being rejected by her.
My dearest Blodwyn,
I see how happy you are with your children. You love them so. If I could, I would give you as many children as you would wish for. I would bestow affection on you always. Your husband works hard to provide for you but does he give you the affection you deserve? Does he love you dearly? I love you more than I love myself, though you have never desired my love. I wish to kiss you, to press my lips against yours and pour all my love into you. But I cannot. You do not want me.
Arianwen
Jennifer got up and wandered over to the piano. She’d been playing every day, attempting to pick out basic tunes with clumsy fingers. It was merely an echo of Arianwen’s playing but it was better than the silence. She began to recite the words Arianwen had taught her. She didn’t remember the Welsh, only the English, and she couldn’t play the tune but sang it instead. Her voice seemed to warm the room.
All the stars’ eyelids say,
All through the night,
‘This is the way to the valley of glory,’
All through the night.
Darkness is another kind of light
To show true beauty,
The Heavenly family in peace,
All through the night.
‘Arianwen, why won’t you come back? I miss you so much.’
There was no response.
Arianwen is nothing. She can see Jennifer, can feel her. But Jennifer thinks she has abandoned her. Arianwen aches inside. Soon this will be true. She knows she is dead. She cannot be Jennifer’s lover in life. She can only be a dream to her. It is not enough.
She remembers Jennifer’s touch, the pleasure they brought to each other. But now it seems like a dream. It seems like a far away dream. Arianwen reaches for it but cannot grasp hold of it, not anymore. She cannot make it real.
Arianwen wanders through the village. She can no longer see it as though she were alive. Now, she sees the strange new people of Jennifer’s time. She sees their free manners, hears their loose talk. Things are different now.
She finds her way to the churchyard. She remembers playing here as a child. It is different too. There are many graves, some badly overgrown. She does not look at the names. She knows what she is looking for. She finds her parents’ headstones. And there, beside them, is her own grave. Her body lies there.
Jennifer cannot be loved by a body in the ground. She cannot be loved by a ghost. She deserves happiness. Arianwen cannot bring her happiness.
Almost two months had passed since Jennifer’s night on the beach with Arianwen. Her exhibition was a success and they’d had to extend their opening hours to accommodate the visitors. Some people had even come from Cardiff to see it.
But Jennifer felt strange and empty without Arianwen: she missed her presence in her dreams; she missed her touch; she missed her music. She hardly felt any joy in her success; the hole inside her was too much. She heard from Seren every day and it helped. But still, the emptiness without Arianwen was almost unbearable.
Every day, she sat at the piano and played some simple music. She’d bought a simple music book and was getting the hang of things. It was still no comparison to Arianwen’s playing but it comforted her a little, imagining Arianwen there with her, teaching her the piano. Jennifer felt sure Arianwen would teach her with patience and probably be a lot kinder on her than Jennifer was on herself.
She’d been reading through more of Arianwen’s letters as well, and had finally reached the last letter in the pile. She put off reading that one, as though it would mark the end of their relationship. And Jennifer couldn’t stand the thought of that. She didn’t want it to end. She wanted her and Arianwen to go on forever.
She played softly. She’d been concentrating on learning the hymns Arianwen had played and sung to her. She remembered the tunes well and was attempting to pick the right notes out by ear.
She played the song through, fumbling over the notes she wasn’t sure about and humming to keep the tune steady in her head.
She played the last note
and sat back, pleased with herself.
A hand on hers, warmth flowing through her.
She gasped. ‘Arianwen?’
There was nothing. But she was sure she had felt something. She looked around the room. No, it was empty and she no longer felt the presence. Arianwen had gone.
Arianwen watches Jennifer. She does not stay long but every day she comes and watches her lover. At least she can have these moments with her.
Jennifer is sad. Arianwen wants to embrace her. She wants to give her the happiness she deserves, to brush her cheek, show how much she loves her. But she is afraid.
She knows she cannot have Jennifer, no matter what she does. She cannot truly have her as her lover. She can only ever be an echo for the living.
Seren was worried about Jennifer. Her emails were bright enough but there was a sadness underneath. Seren did her best to cheer her up whenever they wrote. She’d tell her jokes and anecdotes, and they continued to exchange information about Arianwen Jones, the cottage and Cilfachglas.
Seren didn’t know if she was helping but at least she was trying. At least Jennifer had somebody to talk to, a voice in the darkness, even if she wouldn’t admit what was troubling her.
Seren was at work again. It was a quiet day, a Wednesday, and there weren’t very many people coming in. Seren took the opportunity to tidy up a bit behind the counter. Anita, as usual, was leaning on the counter doing her nails.
‘How’s your girlfriend?’ Anita asked.
Seren hefted up a new box of carrier bags onto the counter. ‘I told you, she’s not my girlfriend. We’re just emailing.’
Anita smirked. ‘Had cybersex yet?’
Seren gave her a look. ‘No and I don’t intend to. Nothing’s going to happen unless … unless we meet and fancy each other. You can’t tell anything over the internet.’
When she got home, there was an email waiting for her. Seren sat down with her laptop and read it.
Seren,
I’m sad today. I keep thinking of Arianwen. I know you won’t understand, but I know her. She’s been with me here in the cottage. Except now she’s gone and I can’t bear it. I keep reading her words. She wrote all these letters to a woman she loved but never sent them. She longed so much for happiness but never found it. I feel so bad for her.
Jennifer
Seren’s throat tightened and she swallowed hard. She just wanted to be there with Jennifer, to be able to comfort her, even just to hug her. But she felt so far away. Though she did have holidays owed to her at work and it would be good for her research to visit the village. She wrote back:
Jen,
I was thinking that I should come to Cilfachglas. I could learn a lot for my research. I’d like to see your exhibition and it would be nice to finally meet. What do you think?
Seren
She sat back and reread Jennifer’s message. I keep thinking of Arianwen ... I know her. She’s been with me here in the cottage. She didn’t know what was going on but she knew that Jennifer needed her.
Jennifer sat on her windowsill with the last of Arianwen’s unsent letters to Blodwyn. It was the last thing she’d written that had survived. Jennifer wondered how soon Arianwen had died after writing it. She unfolded the letter and began to read.
Blodwyn,
You have never looked at me. I have been alone all these years with only the Lord’s words to comfort me. I have no comfort from you. You have forgotten our childhood playing together. You have forgotten your hand brushing my arm and the soft looks you would give me. You have forgotten that I loved you. You have forgotten me. I know you will not visit my grave. No one will. I will be as alone in death as I was in life. You will never read my journal or even this letter.
Arianwen
Jennifer swallowed down tears. Arianwen had always been alone. Now, she had the chance of being with somebody but wouldn’t take it. She was fulfilling her own prediction that she would be as alone in death as in life.
Jennifer returned to the piano again. She needed Arianwen to come back, to show her she wasn’t alone. She played slowly, still stumbling over the notes. Arianwen had not come back since that fleeting feeling three days ago.
As she played the hymn Arianwen had sung for her, Jennifer remembered the words in her own head.
Oer yw’r rhew ac oer yw’r eira
Oer yw’r ty heb dân yn y gaeaf
Oer yw’r eglwys heb ddim ffeirad
Oer wyf innau heb fy nghariad
She could almost hear Arianwen singing the words as she played. She remembered the English words and she began to sing them clumsily along with the Welsh running in her head.
Cold is the frost and cold the snowfall
Cold the house without fire in winter
Cold is the church without a vicar
Cold am I also without my lover.
Fingertips brushed her cheek and she sighed contentedly. As she sung the English words, another voice joined in. It was a whisper and it was in Welsh.
She played the last notes, then turned and looked into the soft eyes of her lover. They gazed at each other in silence, then Arianwen leaned forwards and brushed her lips against Jennifer’s jaw.
‘Thank you for thinking of me,’ she whispered.
Jennifer stood slowly, looking into Arianwen’s eyes. ‘Cold am I without my lover.’ She cupped Arianwen’s jaw and met her lips hesitantly. Was she real?
She was. Arianwen grasped Jennifer’s shirt and held her close, kissing her hard.
‘I’m sorry,’ Jennifer whispered. ‘I’m so sorry I didn’t tell you.’
‘Hush,’ breathed Arianwen into her mouth. ‘It doesn’t matter now.’
The left the piano behind and guided each other through to the bedroom. There they sank to the bed, slowly easing each other’s clothing away. They didn’t have to concentrate on it. They could focus only on each other.
Arianwen was warm, so warm against Jennifer’s body. She wasn’t a ghost, not tonight. She was just Arianwen, Jennifer’s lover.
They were naked. They pressed against each other and felt the rhythm of their breathing. It grew faster and faster as their kisses deepened. Jennifer held onto Arianwen. She didn’t ever want to let her go. Arianwen pressed her to the bed, bringing her hand up to stroke her face. Jennifer arched against her. Arianwen’s warmth gave her such pleasure.
Arianwen’s hand slid down Jennifer’s body, cupping her shoulder, her breast, her waist, her hip, then sliding inside Jennifer’s body. Jennifer welcomed the penetration, trusting that hand absolutely.
Arianwen’s fingers moved slowly, pressing Jennifer’s insides with a firm but gentle hand. They continued to kiss, sharing their ragged breathing. Jennifer needed more. She needed more of Arianwen’s whole self.
They rolled over and Arianwen pressed up into Jennifer with as much eagerness as Jennifer had shown. Jennifer watched Arianwen’s face as she let her pleasure be fully expressed.
Jennifer kissed her way down Arianwen’s body, feeling the tremors in her muscles as she did so. She felt thrills go through her at the knowledge that she was giving Arianwen the pleasure she deserved, pleasure she’d never had bestowed upon her in her life. Blodwyn hadn’t deserved Arianwen. Jennifer was glad she had her instead, if only for a little while.
Jennifer let Arianwen feel the heat of her tongue against her clit, slow and gentle at first, then faster, causing Arianwen to gasp and pant out loud at the sensations. Jennifer reached out and held Arianwen’s hand as she came. Arianwen gripped it hard and Jennifer had the sense that Arianwen didn’t ever want to let go either. But they must. The time would come soon. They both knew it.
Arianwen grasped her shoulders and tugged her up. Jennifer let herself be tugged. Arianwen lay her down beside her and kissed her, then brought her close and wrapped her legs around her. Jennifer could feel the heat of their cunts close together. Jennifer put one leg over Arianwen’s and they were scissored together. They both watched each other’s faces as they began to move to
gether. Jennifer wanted to commit this moment to memory forever. If she could remember, she wouldn’t have to let Arianwen go. She could keep a part of her forever, deep within herself. She could give Arianwen company and love for her whole lifetime.
Jennifer felt jerks of pleasure go through her as Arianwen’s heat rubbed against hers. She wanted to come but Arianwen wasn’t yet close enough. She wanted them to come together.
‘Arianwen,’ she whispered. ‘I’ve got you. Let go.’
Arianwen squeezed her eyes shut for just a few seconds. Jennifer felt their thighs begin to tremble around each other.
Arianwen opened her eyes and they watched each other, then came, shouting their pleasure so that it echoed through the cottage. It didn’t matter. There was no one there to hear them.
Jennifer sagged with exhaustion, wrapping her arms around Arianwen and nuzzling into her. Arianwen returned the embrace and they lay still, holding each other close and sharing kisses.
This was contentment. This was happiness. This was all both of them deserved.
But it wasn’t going to last. They both knew that.
Just a little longer. Just a few more days, hours, minutes of this embrace.
Jennifer’s body is warm and they lie together, skin against skin. Arianwen holds her tight and lets her hair tickle her face. A breeze drifted through the open window, across their naked bodies.
She reaches her hand up and cups Jennifer’s cheek, stroking the soft skin there. She should have had this before. She comes from the wrong time, has been denied hundreds of moments like these.