Langdown Manor

by Sue Reid

  ‘You be careful, miss, she’s a nervous high-spirited creature. Remember?’ I saw a smile glimmer on his lips. The jockey said something, but I didn’t hear what it was. The men laughed. Fred’s eyes were on mine. We were standing very close to each other now. If I’d put out my hand I could have touched his. I yearned to touch it, feel his fingers close round mine. We were so close, yet I might as well have been on the other side of the Channel. Fred looked glum as if the same thought was in his mind. Please, Fred, don’t look like that. His hands were stroking the horse’s nose. She had the same wild look in her eyes that I remembered. You’re like me. You want to be free. They’re trying to tame you. But you don’t want to be tamed. I know just how you feel. I turned back to Uncle.

  ‘The first time I saw Donatella,’ I said loudly so that everyone could hear. ‘I nearly walked under her hooves. Luckily for me Fred saw and pulled me away.’ Everyone laughed.

  ‘She’s a wild one,’ said the jockey admiringly. ‘Gave me some trouble, but I showed her who was boss. We’ll win this race next year, won’t we, girl.’ He slapped the horse’s side affectionately.

  ‘She was a good purchase,’ said Uncle proudly.

  I could have stood there all afternoon, but Flo came up and took my arm. I let myself be led away. ‘I hope you’ll visit us soon,’ she smiled. ‘We have a fine stables and could find a lovely mount for you.’

  ‘If you promise to ride with me, Flo,’ I said.

  She laughed. ‘It would be a very dull ride. I can only manage a sedate trot. I don’t enjoy it as much as Ferdy does. He will be so pleased to have a companion to ride with.’ She looked fondly at her brother. Ferdy beamed. He was looking at Flo, but I knew that smile had nothing to do with Flo and everything to do with me, and I didn’t like it. David had drifted away. But even if I managed to avoid a private conversation with him today he’d soon have another opportunity. He and the Waterlows would be amongst the guests at Langdown once the Royal Ascot meeting was over.

  The crowd on the course had grown. The royal party was departing and spectators were hastening up to the railings to watch. I looked back to see that the seats that had been crammed with racegoers were nearly empty. People were slowly beginning to drift away. But we remained. Now that I couldn’t see Fred, I was impatient to leave. The wind whipped my skirts around my legs. But Aunt, talking to Countess Waterlow, was standing her ground as if only a hurricane would uproot her.

  She beckoned to me. ‘The Countess has invited you to the Waterlow shoot.’ That usually impassive face broke into a beaming smile. I had never seen Aunt smile as often as she had today.

  ‘I’ll look forward to it,’ I lied. I looked round for a means of escape. Uncle was surrounded by a group of top-hatted racegoers. Ferdy was with him. ‘Ah, I see you are looking for Ferdy,’ said Countess Waterlow, smiling at me. Oh no, I wasn’t. Why must everyone so wilfully misunderstand me? Were they blind? Countess Waterlow’s skirt whispered over the grass as she went over to the group. The gentlemen bowed and began to disperse. Ferdy came up to bid me farewell.

  ‘I will look forward to seeing you, Miss P-P-Penelope,’ he said, battling with the words that would not come. ‘At Langdown,’ he got out at last. I nodded. He raised his hat to me. Poor Ferdy, I thought.

  Like the royal family we rode back in an open landau. I pulled my wrap closer round me. Arabella sat on one side of me, Clemmie on the other. Arabella and I had hardly exchanged a word all day. She felt as rigid as stone. Disappointment turned her mouth down. Neither of us said a word to the other. We seemed to have fallen into an unspoken understanding – to have as little to do with each other as possible.

  As soon as the carriage arrived back at Langdown, I hastened upstairs. I was nearly frozen, but Baxter thoughtfully ran me a bath, and I slipped in under the hot water gratefully. As I lay there, enveloped in the warm water, I thought about the day. I was dreading the house party. I felt uneasily certain that I knew what it was that David wanted to say to me. And then there was poor awkward Ferdy. Would he declare himself, too? I sighed to myself. I had a problem on my hands. Or was it two?

  DOWNSTAIRS

  ‘I haven’t got time for this!’ I protested.

  Sarah put down the brush and began to roll up my hair. ‘Yes you have.’

  I tried not to wriggle as she slipped pins into my hair to hold it in place.

  ‘Now,’ she said, handing me a mirror. ‘Take a look at yourself.’

  I gazed at the face staring back at me. I hardly recognized myself. Sarah had added a touch of make-up. ‘You look like a real lady!’ she said proudly, admiring her handiwork.

  My eyes were shining. What had Sarah done to them to make them shine like that? Even Ivy hadn’t managed that. My lips were fuller and redder, too.

  What had Ivy said? Those are lips that are meant to be kissed.

  I put the mirror down hastily.

  ‘Your face changes when you smile,’ said Sarah. ‘You should smile more often.’

  ‘I’d smile more if I had something to smile about,’ I grumbled.

  I was still Miss P’s maid. Sometimes I thought they hadn’t even begun to try and find a replacement for me.

  ‘But look at you,’ Sarah protested. ‘That’s a really pretty blouse. Last time he saw you you were just one of us housemaids, in uniform. Think what a surprise he’s going to have when he sees you tonight. He won’t be able to resist you.’

  ‘He’ was Daniel – Lord Moorcroft’s valet. I’d been in a flutter ever since Sarah had told me that Lord and Lady Moorcroft would be amongst the guests arriving for dinner. They were staying for the whole weekend. It would be a big party. There was something to celebrate, too – his lordship’s horse had come second in her race. I’d seen his lordship strut about triumphantly as if his horse had won the Gold Cup itself. Miss Polly had told me about it when I went to dress her earlier. It had taken us both a long time to decide what she should wear. I’d not have settled on the gown she chose, it didn’t do her any favours, but she was determined to have her own way, and I had to let her have it.

  ‘But I’ll have to dine with him, and there will be all those haughty ladies’ maids too,’ I complained.

  ‘Try, Jess. Just this weekend!’ Sarah beseeched me.

  ‘I don’t know why you think he likes me,’ I said. ‘He won’t even remember me. It must be at least a year since the Moorcrofts last stayed here.’

  ‘He likes you, but he’s as shy as you are,’ Sarah said. ‘You’ve got to be braver, Jess. Put yourself out.’

  ‘I can’t very well throw myself at him.’

  ‘But you can at least talk to him.’

  ‘All right, all right,’ I grumbled.

  ‘And one more thing,’ said Sarah. ‘I don’t want you to go running yourself down. It’s because you deserve it they asked you to be Miss P’s maid.’

  I nodded. ‘Any more commands, Miss Sarah?’

  We smiled at each other, like true friends do. And I felt that we were.

  ‘Come on then.’ Sarah opened the door, and curtsied as I swept past. ‘You, Jess Baxter, will go to the ball.’

  I laughed, and linked my arm through hers as we made our way along the passage that led to the stairs. It was going to be a long evening, and I felt tired just thinking about it. But this time, now, was mine. I told myself that I was going to enjoy myself.

  A large crowd was already assembled when we reached the servants’ hall. I hung back – at the sight of all those people my courage left me – but Sarah pulled me determinedly along behind her, past the visiting valets and ladies’ maids. Some of them looked at me curiously. Robert gave a wolf whistle. Sarah squeezed my arm. ‘See – they’re noticing you.’ But where was Daniel? I had a moment’s panic. What if I was right and Sarah wrong? What if Daniel had left Lord Moorcroft’s service? What if he was here, and ignored me? I couldn’t think which would be worse.

  ‘Hello, Jess.’ A tall young man with sandy hair smiled shyly at me.

&nb
sp; I swallowed. ‘Daniel,’ I said. He’d recognized me, seen through my disguise.

  ‘I hear that you are now a lady’s maid,’ he said.

  He had taken the trouble to find out about me. Maybe Sarah was right, after all.

  ‘Only for now,’ I said. I was anxious to put him right.

  ‘Don’t you like it then?’

  ‘Well, your life’s not your own,’ I said.

  ‘But is it ever in service?’ Daniel said.

  ‘I suppose not. But…’ Oh, what was the use. I couldn’t pretend, not with him. ‘I don’t feel I belong there.’ I jerked my head up. ‘With them. The other ladies’ maids. I feel a fraud, to be honest.’

  ‘You’d never be that, Jess.’

  ‘And your life’s not your own either,’ I added – oh, I’d said that already. I stumbled on, hardly knowing what words were coming out of my mouth. What had he said to me? ‘You’d never be that.’ Had he really said that? To me, Jess Baxter?

  ‘It’s not for me,’ I said when I’d found my tongue again. ‘I’d like to settle down. I’m a homebird really.’

  I blushed. Sarah had said to talk, but now I was talking too much. How did anyone ever get it right?

  I thought he’d make an excuse to leave me, but he stood by me and gradually I felt myself relax. Sarah would be proud of me, I thought. My eyes wandered the room in search of her. I couldn’t see her anywhere. The grooms and stable hands had come in. Fred was at the centre of them, but he didn’t look as cheerful as you’d expect someone to be who’d looked after the horse that had come second in its race at Royal Ascot. But right then, I didn’t want to think about him. Or even Sarah. I felt content, standing next to Daniel – as if I had come home. I didn’t want anything to spoil the evening. When we sat down to eat I caught him glancing down the table at me, when someone said something funny, or silly, as if he knew we’d feel the same. For the first time since I’d become Miss P’s maid I was looking forward to taking dessert with the other upper servants. I’d have someone to talk to, someone who wanted to talk to me. And suddenly I understood how Sarah had felt, it was as if you were soaring up above everyone else. One day I’d have to come down to earth. But not now. Not yet.

  UPSTAIRS

  ‘Do you remember what I said to you, Miss Penelope?’ I felt David press something into my hand. I looked down to see what it was. A pair of goggles. I stared at them, at him, at the plane a few feet behind him. I’d never even seen a plane until that morning, when the sound of its drone – like an enormous angry wasp hovering overhead – had driven all the guests from the breakfast table to the window. Aunt’s nervous ‘oh dear’s’ and Uncle’s startled ‘by Jove’s’ mingled with the oohs and aahs of the guests as the plane came into view above the trees before vanishing behind them again.

  We had streamed eagerly into the hall, capes and cloaks hurriedly thrown over shoulders before hastening down the steps. George took Flo on one arm, me on the other. Ferdy stumbled along behind us.

  Along with the other guests I had watched as the pilot had waved at us, before gently landing the plane on the lawn in front of the house. As the propeller had slowly whirred to a stop he had clambered out and jumped down, stripping off his goggles.

  A disconsolate look crossed Ferdy’s face when he saw who was striding up to us. David had informed us that he would be joining us on Sunday morning. No motor car or carriage had been requested to collect him from the railway station. George had explained that David was making his own way to the house. He had grinned, like a small boy with a secret.

  ‘So, would you like a ride, Miss Penelope?’

  Would I? I looked back. Aunt was standing among the onlookers. George was having to remind her that David was one of the guests. Aunt’s normally expressionless face looked as bewildered as if she’d been told that he had flown down from the moon.

  ‘I’ll need my aunt’s permission,’ I said feeling woefully certain that she would never grant it. I couldn’t imagine that Aunt would even allow me to sit in a plane, let alone be taken up in one. And I yearned to be in that plane, to feel what it was like to fly, wheeling and diving through the skies like a bird, touching the clouds – even if it had to be David who would be sitting beside me.

  ‘Let me ask her,’ said David. ‘I can tell her about all the many hours’ flying I’ve done.’

  ‘Would you?’ I said.

  I knew Aunt wouldn’t listen to me, but David could be very persuasive.

  He left my side and strode through the admiring guests to where Aunt was standing. I saw him bow and smile. I watched my aunt’s expression carefully. I couldn’t tell what she thought, but David was persisting. He was still talking when Uncle joined them. I saw them confer together, and then David was striding back to me. He was smiling.

  ‘I promised that it will be a very short flight,’ he said, as he reached me. ‘But it couldn’t be anything else,’ he grinned. ‘These babies don’t stay up for long.’

  ‘She said yes?’ I was almost incredulous.

  ‘I laid it on a bit thick. Told her I was a flying instructor.’

  I felt uneasy. What else had he lied about?

  He must have seen doubt on my face.

  ‘Don’t you trust me?’ he complained.

  No, I do not. But…

  I took a deep breath. I might never get another opportunity like this.

  ‘Come on,’ he urged. ‘Let’s not disappoint our audience.’ He helped me to climb in.

  ‘You’ll find it’s colder up there in the air,’ he said, tucking a rug round my knees. I strapped on the goggles he’d given me and glanced at him. He had taken a piece of paper out from his pocket and was consulting it.

  ‘What’s that?’ I exclaimed.

  He laid it down on his lap and swivelled round to me.

  ‘Let me tell you something, Miss Penelope. A good pilot makes certain checks before take-off. Surely you know I’d never risk your safety?’

  Again, that look. I shifted my eyes away from his uncomfortably. I began to wonder if this had been a stunt laid on to impress me. Outside I could see Flo, eyes wide, Arabella, mouth turned down, and Ferdy, kicking like a disappointed schoolboy at the turf. Beyond all was a blur.

  I tried not to flinch as David reached back to strap me in. ‘Ready!’ he said jubilantly. ‘Prepare for take-off!’ The blades of the propeller began to turn – slowly, then faster and faster, until I couldn’t see them turn at all, and then I realized that we were moving, slowly at first and then we were running along the ground until – with a sudden lift that made my stomach lurch – we were airborne. I felt the plane sway slightly, as if it was being shaken by an invisible hand. I looked at the control panel. How much control did a pilot have? How much were we at the mercy of the wind? I gripped my seat tightly with both hands.

  ‘You’re quite safe,’ David laughed, as if he could sense how I felt.

  When I dared I looked down. Faces craned up at us, but they were getting smaller and smaller and further and further away the longer I looked. The whole of the estate lay below me. The manor looked like a doll’s house. From so high up I could see it as I’d never seen it before, as a whole – like a jigsaw when all the pieces had been finally fitted together – the fields, the woods, the little estate cottages, the dairy farm, the stables.

  I wondered if Fred would look up and see us. Had he seen the plane land earlier? Since Ascot I’d hadn’t been able to see him on his own. I’d always been in the company of one or other guest – usually Ferdy. Ferdy had insisted I show him the stables. Fred must have noticed how he had clung to my side; how often he’d accompanied me there.

  ‘So – how does it feel to be airborne?’ David said.

  ‘Wonderful,’ I breathed. It was. When I shut my eyes I could almost feel as if I had grown my own pair of wings.

  ‘One day I’ll teach you to fly – if you’d like me to,’ he said.

  ‘Oh, would you?’ I said eagerly.

  ‘But there would be c
ertain conditions,’ David said. ‘After all, it might be difficult to arrange, unless, of course, you were my wife. Then you’d be free to fly as much and as often as you liked.’

  What had he said? Was he asking me to marry him?

  ‘What do you say? I think we’d make a pretty good team. Wild rebels both of us. We belong together, don’t you think?’

  My head felt as if it was spinning. I couldn’t think what to say. Though I’d half expected something like this, his proposal came as a complete surprise, and the manner of it – so brisk and matter of fact – took me aback.

  ‘Are you really so surprised, Penelope?’ David said. ‘Surely you must have had an inkling what I wanted to say to you. Still silent?’ – when I didn’t speak – ‘Oh dear, I’d rather hoped it was what you wanted.’

  There was one important thing he had not said.

  ‘You haven’t said if you love me, David,’ I said. ‘And I don’t believe that you do.’

  ‘Ah, love,’ said David. ‘I should have mentioned it, I know. Well, you are the only girl for me. I knew that the first time I laid eyes on you. Will that do?’ I could tell that he was smiling, though he was still looking straight ahead.

  He didn’t love me, any more than I loved him.

  ‘I can’t marry you, David,’ I said. ‘I don’t love you, and I don’t think you truly love me.’

  ‘How can you say that?’ he replied. Still that teasing note in his voice.

  Because I know what it is to feel loved. But I can never ever tell you why.

  ‘Are you sure you couldn’t get to love me?’ he said when I didn’t reply.

  ‘David, I can’t marry you. Please – take me down.’

  ‘Think about it?’ he said. ‘I won’t take you down until you say you will.’

  Couldn’t he take anything seriously, not even a proposal of marriage?

  I began to grow angry. ‘Was that why you wanted to take me up? So that I’d be forced to listen to your proposal and forced to say that I might think about it?’ I demanded.

  ‘Not quite,’ he said. ‘I had thought you might say yes. Well, will you?’