Black Girls Must Die Exhausted: A Novel for Grown Ups

by Jayne Allen

  Me: You hurt me.

  I deleted it.

  Me: Talk about what? You broke up with me.

  I deleted it.

  Me: We can talk, but I’m seeing someone.

  I deleted it. No sense in being petty.

  Me: Yes.

  There, that was it. Simple enough. To the point, and it put the ball back in his court. Plus, I didn’t know what else to say.

  Marc: Can we go to dinner? Sat night?

  Crap. I had plans with Todd on Saturday night. I’m sure he’d understand if I cancelled. I at least needed to give Marc a chance.

  Me: Ok. Where?

  Marc: I’ll figure it out and send you details. I can pick you up.

  Me: Are you sure? I can drive.

  Marc: I’m sure.

  Me: Ok.

  Why I put the period at the end of “Ok,” I’m not sure. But it was intentional. Maybe it stopped me from seeming too eager to forgive and forget. I wanted to pretend like I wasn’t happy that I’d be seeing Marc. I wanted to hate him forever, but that only lasted two days—the hating him part. For the rest of the time, I’d just been confused, and still sad. At least now, there was hope. And if there wasn’t, one way or another, there was still a date with a doctor in my future.

  Chapter 15

  Let’s be honest, I was giddy. I was Cloud 9, Ice Capades, closing song of a Disney film kind of giddy and I couldn’t hide it. Once I made plans with Marc—once I finally crossed that bridge on the inside, giving myself permission to want him again, it seemed like ages to Saturday. And there’s nothing like having a backup option, just in case. At least, I hoped I still had a backup after cancelling on Todd. I made an excuse about having to work and he asked me to call him when I was free again for a “proper date” as he put it. I couldn’t even think about that though, I was so preoccupied with my still slightly guilty reunion with Marc. Finally making my way into Denisha’s salon chair, it started to feel real for me. I gave Denisha instructions to give me the “sexy” version of my usual hairstyle. Once I left Denisha’s chair, Marc wouldn’t stand a chance.

  “Girl, I’m gonna get you hooked up!” Denisha said with her hot comb in hand. It always concerned me when she got too excited when it was time to press my hair.

  “Thanks D! So, we never did get to discuss Alexis’ party.” I said, intentionally probing for the commentary that only Denisha could provide. I could hear the tea brewing in Denisha’s mind.

  “Oh, Mrs. Thing, um hum. I heard that her huz-band bought her a new Mercedes. She pulled up in the whip last week—it’s…nice…” I waited for the continuation. It wasn’t like Denisha to just leave something hanging in the air like that unaddressed. “Of course, I don’t trust no nigga when they do shit like that. You know, doin’ too muhh-ch.” She snorted in what seemed like mild disgust. “Uuah,” she gave as her final dismissive critique. I smiled to myself remembering Laila’s reaction at the unveiling of the car at Fig and Olive. Display on display on display. Of course, Lexi would say just the opposite. Sometimes, it seemed like she almost needed to sense that others were jealous, like it was the air she breathed. “Matter of fact, your girl was supposed to already be here. It ain’t like her to be…” Denisha lifted her wrist to her eye-level with the hot comb in her hand, causing me to flinch again. “Damn, she almost an hour late!”

  “Really?” I said, feeling my brow furrow. That sounded very much unlike Lexi. “You want me to send her a text and see where she is?” I asked.

  “Nah, I ain’t trippin’. I’ve got one ahead of her anyway after you.” And with that, Denisha went back to the thermal attack on my edges and I went back to fantasizing about my upcoming evening with Marc. When Alexis finally did show up, nearly a half hour later, I almost didn’t recognize her—other than her bubble butt bouncing in her Lululemon workout pants. She had a baseball cap on, and when she looked up at me walking in the door…there’s no way to describe it other than to say, she looked bad. Really bad. Her bloodshot eyes had dark-colored swollen bags underneath, visible even from across the room. Even as I felt the anger welling up inside of me, thinking who might have done this to her, I realized that these bags weren’t the bruising you’d get from a punch to your face, but more like a gut punch to your spirit. She’d clearly been crying—and it looked like crying so much that she wasn’t sleeping. It was all there and obvious, in spite of a feeble attempt to cover it up with a cap and concealer.

  “Lexi?” I said, as she walked in, using only her name to ask all of my many questions in the way that only best friends could understand. What happened? Why didn’t you call me? What’s wrong with my friend? Who do I need to kill and why?

  “Hey Tab. Hey Denisha. Sorry I’m late.” Lexi mumbled walking over to the seating area. Was she mad at me? Did I do something? Maybe someone overheard me and Laila at her birthday party? I just sat there for a minute, mostly in shock and sitting in complete mystery about what just happened. There’s no way my friend of basically my entire life would look like someone had run over her with her own new car and not tell me about it. And then, my eye caught something that made me take a sharp inhale. Oh, my god. Denisha must have seen it too because I heard her gasp behind me. As she turned to sit down, and place her oversized Gucci bag in the seat next to her, as obvious as daylight, Lexi wasn’t wearing her wedding ring.

  What the hell? If anyone knew Alexis Templeton-Carter, they would know that she did not go anywhere without her 1.5 carat diamond engagement ring from Tiffany’s. The only explanation could be that she lost it. Perhaps that’s why she’s so upset! She must have lost her engagement ring and wedding band somewhere…wait, and wedding band? Oh no. With Lexi on the other side of the salon and with Denisha still attached to my head, by way of a hot curling iron this time, I decided to send a text.

  Me: Lexi, what’s wrong?

  I waited for Alexis to use that bare hand to reach into her purse and to pull out her phone, but even after 5 minutes, it didn’t happen. So, I decided to switch tactics. “Lexi!!” I shouted across the salon. Anywhere else, I would have been embarrassed, but here, it was right in line with the rest of the commotion coming from all directions. “Lexi!!” I shouted her name a second time. This time she looked up. I waved my phone at her. “Get your phone. I’m texting you!” Lexi looked like a deer caught in headlights for a second, frozen. Eventually, after a long pause of just looking at me, strangely, as if she was actually deciding whether or not she was going to do it, she finally pulled her phone out of her purse, read the screen and then started typing.

  Alexis: I don’t know if I can talk about it.

  Me: What?? Is Rob in jail?

  Alexis: No! It’s bad though.

  Me: Aren’t we best friends? WTF?

  Alexis: Seriously Tab. Really bad. Haven’t slept in days. The boys are with my parents.

  Me: Abt 2 get out of this chair if u don’t tell me.

  Alexis: Tell you later. After I leave here.

  Alexis: Don’t want all these folks in my business.

  Well, that’s a first.

  Me: Did you lose your wedding ring?

  Silence. It was a strange experience to be looking right at Alexis, watching her not respond to the question I asked. To see her just sitting there, holding her phone in her hand, fingers hovering over the keys, just like mine were with Marc’s messages. She didn’t look up at me. Then, finally, I saw her fingers move.

  Alexis: No.

  Alexis: Well, yes, but no.

  What the what?

  Alexis: Can you meet me after my hair appointment? Starbucks on Crenshaw? I have to pick the boys up from my parents right after, but will have a few mins to talk.

  Me: Yes. Just text me when you’re leaving. I’ll meet you.

  Alexis: Ok.

  There is no way that this is what I think it is. No fucking way.

  Chapter 16
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br />   Time spent with Denisha is not short. I knew better than to head straight to Starbucks when Lexi hadn’t even made it to the shampoo bowl by the time I left, let alone to the stylist’s chair. This was going to cut it close, with me still needing to stop by Crestmire, and then get ready for my date. My date. Just the thought brought a warm flush to my cheeks. It’s hard not to let optimism in when it’s banging on the windows and doors of your personal resignation, even in the middle of your best friend’s whole life crisis.

  When Lexi gave me the signal that she was leaving the salon, I wrapped up my browsing at Target, bought my few items and headed east to make it to Starbucks in time to meet her. If things hadn’t seemed so dire earlier, I would have settled for a raincheck. But, instead, I was already seated with a green tea when she walked in the door. The cap was off, her hair was down, but she kept her sunglasses on, even as she walked toward the corner table that I had reserved for us. When she sat down, they were still there.

  “You gonna take the glasses off?” I asked her, as gently as I could.

  “You know I hate the idea of wearing sunglasses indoors,” Lexi said softly, without making a single motion toward removing them. “But, I can’t—I look so bad…” Lexi brought her hand up to the side of her sunglasses almost to reinforce them on her face. She was right, she did look bad. Although the glasses felt like an awkward wall between us, I understood in that moment it was the privacy she needed. Closer up, I was able to see that my eyes were not deceiving me. Lexi was not wearing her ring. The thin tan line encircling her 4th finger confirmed its absence.

  “Don’t worry, it’s fine,” I said touching her hand, like she had done mine so many times before. And then, almost as if by unspoken instruction, I stood up and walked over to her side of the table and wrapped my arms around her as best I could. I felt her body shudder next to mine, and her head dropped against my shoulder. I could sense heat and then wetness spread along my collarbone as her tears fell on my t-shirt. I’d seen Lexi cry before, but not recently, not the “adult” Lexi with kids and a family and her smiling face on bus stop benches advertising her real estate agency. That Lexi always had a perfect smile to go with her perfect life.

  “I’m sorry, I’m a mess. I’m a complete mess.” Lexi brought her hands to her temples. “And I have to go soon to pick the boys up. I just wanted to get my hair done, so I could feel at least a little bit like myself.”

  “What happened, Lexi?” I whispered, maintaining contact with her arm as I pulled my chair over closer to her so I could sit.

  “It’s so hard for me to say, Tab, she said, while still softly crying, wiping away tears. I handed her one of the napkins from my tea. She took a deep breath before continuing, “Rob and I…are…we’re separated.”

  “What? Why? What happened?”

  “He was cheating on me,” Lexi whimpered. “This whole time. This whole time.”

  “Wha…oh my God. Lexi. I’m so sorry. Cheating with who? How did you find out?”

  “I’m embarrassed to even say,” Alexis said. I told her to hold on one second so I could get her more napkins. There was no good way to discretely cry in a Starbucks, but at least there were plenty of paper products. I handed her a fat stack and she continued, dropping an already balled up wad on the table and picking up a new set. “Some girl he met at the mall. She works at Nordstrom, in the men’s section.” She paused again to wipe the tears and slow down her breathing. “Could you get me some water please? I’m sorry, I’m really sorry.”

  “Stop apologizing, Lexi. You don’t owe anyone an apology. Definitely not me. I’ll be right back.” I dashed off and by the time I had returned to hand her the cup, Lexi seemed calmer and the tears had taken a break.

  “Thank you. Sorry…I…” She just shook her head, seeming to realize that she was full of apologies that didn’t make sense in this particular situation. “After my birthday party, we posted the pictures and the videos, you know of the car and dinner and everything on Instagram. He was tagged, I was tagged, just normal.” I nodded. “The next day, I saw a comment from someone I didn’t know. All it said was ‘Read my DM—something you need to know.’ So I checked my inbox and sure enough, this person had sent me this long message saying that she had been seeing Rob and that he had played her and that she…”

  “Oh Lord, she didn’t say she was pregnant, did she?”

  “Girl, no, thank God we’re not living that cliché. No, just that she was sorry to tell me like this, but she felt I would want to know what my husband was out here doing.”

  “Are you serious? Man, I’m so disappointed in Rob,” I said, with ultimate restraint. I picked those words very, very carefully. I had learned over the years, that while I was always 100% on Lexi’s side, no matter what happened, some part of Lexi was always on Rob’s. No matter what happened.

  “Me too, Tab. At first, I didn’t even believe it at all. I thought that it was just some hatin’-assed bitch, jealous of my birthday pics and of course my new Mercedes. So I didn’t even mention it to Rob at first…but, I know he saw that comment on Instagram and didn’t mention it or ask me about it. So, something kept telling me that I had to at least bring it up with him. You know, people are crazy, but they’re not that crazy. Like there must have been some reason for that woman to go through all the trouble to look me up, right?”

  “That’s a good point, Lex. People always want to say that women are crazy, but, 9 times out of 10, there’s a reason with a man’s name.”

  “I asked Rob about it. And at first he denied it. But I know when he’s lying. I’ve seen him do enough of it. He was showing all of the signs.”

  “Did he do that thing where he scratches the right side of his throat with his right hand middle finger? He always used to do that in high school,” I said, referencing too many memories to count. Rob always used to lie when he got caught, even about little stuff. Except, he was terrible at it, so Lexi and I always knew what was up. I wasn’t surprised that he hadn’t stopped making stupid mistakes at the expense of my friend, but I was surprised he hadn’t become a better liar over time; Lord knows he’d had enough practice.

  “Yeah, girl, that and then some more. So, I knew. And he knew that I knew. So, he admitted it.”

  “He did?” My eyebrows rose almost high enough to meet my hairline.

  “He told me that there had been something going on…and that it went too far. He was feeling down on his luck because my career was growing and his was stagnated. Well, at least it was before he got this new job. He said that once he got the medical device sales job, he got busier and it all just died out on its own.”

  “Busier? That’s why it ended?”

  “Hmmm…yeah, he said busier. You’d think he’d say because he has two kids and a crazy wife who would divorce his ass. So, I told him that he had to get out. He took a bag of his stuff and is staying with his boy Darrell in the guesthouse. He’s been gone since Wednesday.”

  “Whaaattt? Lexi, this is awful. So you already decided to take your ring off and everything? Are you guys getting…divorced?”

  “It wasn’t so much a decision,” Lexi said. I looked at her confused. “We were arguing in the garage, so the boys wouldn’t hear. I got fed up, took my rings off and I threw them at him. I guess they’re still somewhere in the garage. I just haven’t felt like looking for them. Only a few people have seen me without—I told them I lost it down the drain washing dishes.”

  “Jesus. I’m so sorry Babe,” I told Lexi as sincerely as I could. Secretly though, I loved the idea of Rob getting hit in the head by Lexi’s engagement ring. For the first time, I wished it were bigger than 1.5, emphasis on the extra .5, carats.

  “Don’t be,” Lexi said. I know you’re not Rob’s biggest fan, but…”

  “That’s not exactly true,” I said, cutting her off. “I haven’t been a fan of the things he’s done while he’s been with you, but it’s never
been personal. I’m just your biggest fan. Always have been, always will be.”

  “Aww, thanks girl. I know you luh me,” Alexis said, smiling for the first time all day.

  “You know I do! So, do I have to kill Rob, or what? You know I’ll grab Laila and we will ride on that nigga, for real.” Alexis laughed at my terrible accent. I had to too, even though I wasn’t exactly kidding. Laila actually probably would kill him. I’d always been much more of a planner. I’d have him killed.

  “Naahh, not yet. I haven’t figured anything out. I’ve honestly just been processing it all. I keep thinking over every moment—trying to figure out what was real about any of our life. Where he was when he said he was one place or another—like, did he really spend the night at Darrell’s that time? Was that really a job interview he was dressed up for, smelling good? All of it.”

  “Lexi, that’s awful to have to think of it that way.”

  “It is, but I just need a baseline, you know? Because right now, all I feel is falling. And my heart hurts.” And with that, she reached quickly for another piece of napkin to catch the tears dropping from underneath her glasses. We sat for a few minutes in silence, me reaching over to her, her dabbing her eyes and quietly sniffling. After a few more uncomfortable moments, she took a look at her phone on the table and reacted with a start. “Oh shit, I have to go! I have to pick the boys up from my parents.”

  “Are you going to be ok? Do you need me to drive you?”

  “No, I’m ok…I’ll be ok. I gotta go.” Lexi said, standing up with her key in one hand and her latest balled-up wad of wet napkins in the other. “I’m going to call you this week. The house is so strange without Rob there.”

  “Ok Lex, call me whenever. I’m around—whenever you need me ok? No matter what time.”

  “Thanks Tab,” she said as she turned to walk toward the door.

  “Love you, Lexi!” I called after her. But she was already too far gone to hear me, and honestly, I was glad she had to go. Her relationship might have been in trouble, but after tonight, mine with Marc was certain to be on back on track.