sometimes following you dreams means breaking your heart

by Claire Gough

  My heart flips. “Okay, I’m here. Did you need something?” I hate that my voice is so stern and guarded, but as much as I wanted to see him, I can’t lead him on. When I’m around him, the way I act is so out of character for me. I don’t want him to think he stands a chance when he doesn’t. At the same time, I want to be around him!

  I am irritating myself, so God only knows how he feels right now.

  “I was just wondering when you’re going to let me take you out.”

  I stare at him, a mixture of emotions running through me—excitement, anxiousness, happiness…dread. He leans on the bar, making him that much closer.

  I frown. “Um, I’m not.”

  I look down at the bar for anything I can fiddle with so I don’t have to look at him—paper clips, Post-it notes, staples. As much as I like this guy, I can’t do this. I’m not Bee. I’m not the carefree, one-week fling sort of a gal. No, I’m the one who overthinks everything and worries about the end result.

  “Oh, come on, Alex. Don’t tell me you’re just going to ignore this thing going on between us.”

  His angry tone forces my eyes to snap up to meet his. He’s not smiling anymore.

  I snigger. “Thing? Fin there is no thing between us.”

  He shakes his head, almost looking angry. “Alex—”

  “I’m serious. There isn’t a thing be—”

  I stop talking, mainly because I’ve stopped breathing! He’s reached out and rested his hand on my cheek. I hate my body. It’s totally just given me away. I can tell it has from the smile on his face. The electricity shooting through me feels incredible. My instincts tell me to nuzzle into the palm of his hand, to kiss it and bury myself in it because it feels so natural. I sigh as he pulls his hand away. Oh boy, I’m in trouble.

  “You were saying about there not being a thing?” He smirks.

  “Okay, even if I admit there is a thing…” I gesture between us, but I can’t look at him yet. Instead, I fiddle with a paper clip again. “What good would that do?” I finally look at him. His face is a mixture of anger and confusion. “You’re here a week, Fin. What good can come from pursuing this?”

  “Really? You'd rather just not bother at all? Play it safe?” he asks, a harsh tone in his voice.

  “I’m not playing it safe. I’m just not going to give in to a guy who’s made it his personal mission to get into my pants.”

  He shakes his head angrily and steps back from the bar. “This isn’t about sex, Alex.” Just him saying the word sex makes my body catch fire.

  “How can it be about anything else? You’re only here a week.” I can’t quite believe were having this conversation, let alone that we are having this conversation here, where my aunt could walk in at any moment.

  “I want to explore this connection I feel toward you. It’s something new…different. I don’t want to ignore it, Alex.”

  What a line. I wonder how many girls he's said that to. Oh, we have a connection. Even as I poke fun at him in my thoughts, I know there is truth to it. I know I feel a strange pull toward him, but that’s just because he’s gorgeous, right?

  “I’m pissed you…” He angrily points a finger at me, “don’t want to do anything about it!” He runs his hands through his hair.

  “What the hell do you want me to do, Fin?” I yell. When did this turn into an argument?

  “I want to get to know you…the real you. I don’t care if I’m here a week or three days. I just don’t want to ignore this. I don’t know about you, but if I do, I know I’d regret it when I got home.” His eyes look black as he locks his hands behind his head.

  “So now what?” I ask, my voice sounding smaller than I'd like. I wanted it to sound strong, but my eyes lock on his arms that flex as his hands are laced behind his head. The sight has made my mouth run dry again.

  He lowers his arms slowly. “Let me take you out.” He shrugs, as if he's as lost as I am. I watch his face, so many emotions crossing it. I must look very similar to him right now. There is this pull toward him. I don’t know why, but I think once he’s gone, I’ll regret not doing something about it. I also can’t help but think this is all just a huge lie to get into my pants. I need to find some willpower if I want to be around him.

  “Tomorrow,” I whisper, giving in.

  He smiles a soft, sweet, innocent smile. “Are you serious?” he asks, stepping closer to the bar once more.

  “Yes, but as friends, Fin.” I point my finger at him. I think pointing is a bit much, but he needs to know how serious I am.

  “I don’t care, as long as you just spend time with me.” Looking at his smile, my heart falls for him a tiny bit. In that split second, I already know the day he leaves is going to break me.

  “Tomorrow at 6:00pm?” I ask.

  “Perfect.” He walks out of the room, a smile still on his face.

  As soon as he leaves, I can breathe again. It’s like all the air just disappears when he’s in the room.

  “What was I thinking?” I ask, throwing my hands up.

  “I really don’t know,” Bee says calmly. I know she’s hoping to bump into Brad, but I need her right now and am going to get full use out of her while I can. Perched on the end of my bed, she swings her legs as she listens, loving every minute of it. This is the first time I’ve had “boy drama” since I was fifteen.

  “So how did Mark take it?” I ask.

  She smirks. “Don’t change the subject. You have a date tomorrow.”

  I point at her.

  “No, I don’t. This is not a date.”

  Bee rolls her eyes. “Why isn’t it?”

  “Because he's only here for a week. As far as I know, he's only trying to get laid.”

  Bee shrugs. “So let him.”

  “Hell no!”

  She stands. “Alex, you’re not me. I don’t see how you’re going to do this and not get attached.”

  Her honesty cuts through me. The comment is very true…and I hate it. I can’t do what she does with guys. I’ve never had an attraction to a guy like this before, and if I get to know him, I know I’ll get attached. Which is why I didn’t want to do this in the first place!

  “But I also agree with everything Fin said. There’s something between you two. Even I saw it and I was…busy.” She shrugs. I hate that she knows me so well. I hate that she’s right. “Either way, this is going to end with you crying on my shoulder. You either avoid him like the plague and regret not finding out what this thing is, or you go for it and risk the broken heart when he leaves.” She gives me a hug, then steps away. Seeing the confusion in my face, she continues.

  “I watched you talking to him at the pub last night. I can’t ever remember seeing you like that with any guy, Alex, and I’ve known you since you were eleven. You’re twenty-seven now.”

  She's right. No matter what, I’m going to end up hurt. The sooner I accept it, the sooner I can just enjoy myself with Fin and have what could possibly be a fantastic week.

  Bee soon leaves me alone with my thoughts to go in search of Brad. I lie on my bed and desperately try to think of all the ways it might be possible to escape this week with some of my heart still intact, but I can’t come up with a single one.

  Nope, not that one. I throw the red top into the growing pile of clothes on my bed.

  Yes!

  I grab the light blue, sparkly, long-sleeved V-neck jumper and pair it with the black skinny jeans I am dead set on wearing tonight. My straight blonde hair hangs loose around my face as I search for my Converse that match the colour of the jumper. I'm glad we’re going out on a Sunday night. Blackpool is usually quieter on Sundays as most visitors leave in the afternoon and the next batch of guests don’t usually arrive until Monday.

  I refuse to get dressed up. This is not a date, as much as Fin and Bee seem to think it is. Jeans and a jumper will do just fine. I spray on my perfume, take a few deep breaths, then look in the mirror to study my grey eyes that sport eyeliner and mascara. Guess I’m ready. I slo
wly turn the handle on my bedroom door and walk through it. I can see the tops of Jill’s and Alistair’s heads over the sofa.

  “I’ll see you tomorrow, Jill. I’m going out with Bailey. I don’t know what time I’ll be back, but I’ll still be able to work in the morning. Don’t worry,” I say to the back of Jill’s head. She’s sitting next to Alistair watching repeats of Surprise Surprise.

  She waves at me over the sofa. I hate lying to her, but there’s no point in telling her about this confusing thing I have going on with Fin because, just like any other guy who’s been interested, this won’t last long.

  I walk into the lobby and quickly shut the living quarter’s door behind me. That area is strictly off limits to guests. In reality, I am shutting the door quickly to keep in all my lies. It’s so not like me and I hate it.

  “Hey.”

  I guess I shouldn’t be surprised to hear that deep, sexy voice behind me, but I am. I slowly turn around. Fin’s wearing a white t-shirt under his leather jacket, his hands in the front pockets of his jeans. I can smell his aftershave from here. It smells like warm spices, mixed with the smell of his worn leather jacket. It’s a deep sensual scent. It makes my pulse race. I instantly want to wrap myself in his arms and rest my head on his chest.

  “Hey,” I finally reply. I shrug into my black three-quarter length jacket and pull my long hair out over the collar. I smile as my gaze finally rests on his face. He looks like he’s genuinely happy to see me. I think he expected me to cancel.

  “Come on.” I open the door, practically shooing him outside. I don’t want Jill to see us and realise Bailey isn’t involved in my plans at all. “So, what do you want to do?” I ask as we walk down the steps of the guest house.

  “Well, I have no idea where anything is in Blackpool. Maybe you can show me around a little.”

  I smile. That leaves me completely in control of the evening. I like that.

  “Do you like ice cream?” I ask.

  He smirks. “Who doesn’t?”

  When I start walking, he falls into step next to me.

  “It’s a long walk, but it’s worth it,” I add. He nods, his hands still in his pockets as he looks at me sideways.

  When we get to the seafront, I lean on the wall and see the tide is out. I turn to look at Fin standing behind me.

  “Fancy walking on the beach? It seems to go quicker that way.”

  He smiles. “That sounds perfect.”

  I lead him down the huge, winding steps to the sand.

  It’s louder down here, but the noise of the sea is hard to avoid. Maybe that’s why we have walked in silence since we stepped onto the sand. It’s nice, though. I don’t feel the need to fill the silence just yet. I’m enjoying walking along the beach next to him, the Sunday evening sun turning the sky shades of red, yellow, and orange, the breeze carrying the smell of ocean and Fin.

  He steps closer so I can hear him over the wind and waves. “So that was your aunt who served us breakfast this morning?” he asks. My heart stutters in my chest. He’s so close, his elbow touches mine as he walks with his hands still in his pockets.

  “Yeah. She’s amazing.”

  “Your uncle seems nice, too.”

  “Oh, Alistair isn’t my uncle.”

  He frowns. “I’m sorry. I just—”

  I wave him off. “It’s okay. My uncle Bert died when I was fourteen. Cancer.” I shrug, like it’s nothing. It was something at one time. I remember it all too well. My Aunt had already been through so much… We both had. Just four short years after our life had already been turned upside down, we lost my uncle Bert.

  “I’m sorry to hear that, Alex.”

  “It’s okay. We’re both fine now. It broke my heart to watch her go through that, though. It didn’t seem fair. I…” I pause. How much do I actually want to tell Fin about my gruesome past?

  I shake my head and look up at him with a smile. “We got through it.” He doesn’t smile back as he studies my face. “It actually bought us even closer together.”

  The corners of his lips turn up a little. “I guess that’s the only silver lining in something so heartbreaking. I’m sorry you both went through something like that, though.”

  “Don’t be. We’ve been through worse.” I almost snigger at my own words as I watch my Converse make little dents in the wet sand, only to disappear seconds later as the water seeps back in.

  “There’s more?”

  I still watch my feet, not answering. I knew I shouldn’t have said anything. I don’t know if I want to share what happened with him, but I know I certainly don’t want to share it on our first date.

  Wait. Did I just admit this was a date?

  “So, other than the band, what do you do for fun?” I ask, changing the subject. He doesn’t push. For that, I’m grateful.

  “Music is pretty much my main focus right now. I like to cook, though. I’m not great at it, but I’m better than the rest of the guys.”

  I look at him as we walk. He smiles, but I can see something sad in his eyes. Has that always been there and I’ve been too busy keeping him at arm’s length to notice? He didn’t push the subject I didn’t want to talk about, so I guess I won’t ask him why he seems so sad.

  “You like rollercoasters?” I ask as we look up at The Big Wheel on Central Pier right in front of us. I could never figure out how, but the journey from north to south always seemed quicker on the sand.

  He smiles. “I do, actually.”

  “I’ll take you one day this week,” I offer before I can stop myself. His smile widens, realising I see this going on past tonight.

  Dammit!

  “A second date?” he asks, gently nudging me with his shoulder. I can’t help but smile.

  “Maybe.” I slide my arm though his as we walk.

  “Tell me about Cowley, Fin,” I say, my voice raised. I strain to hear his reply over not only the wind and the sea, but now, with his arm around mine, over the loud beating of my heart.

  “It's a tiny, dead town. The only thing really going on there is a car factory.” His voice is flat. He looks at me. I nod as I think about how dull he’s making Cowley seem. It can’t really be that bad, can it?

  “That’s where you work, where you met the rest of the guys, right?”

  “Yeah. I actually met Brad a few months before the rest of the guys.” He glances up at the pier as we walk under it, avoiding puddles as we go.

  “How did you meet Bee?” he asks. I smile at the question.

  “When I moved to Blackpool and started school, the teachers made Bee show me around the place. We have been together ever since.”

  He nods, smiling. I wonder if he’s thinking of little eleven-year-old Bailey and Alex like I am.

  “Where did you move from?” he asks, not realising that question makes my heart sink. I look down at my shoes, mustering up the strength to reply.

  “Birmingham.” I blink. My eyelids feel heavy, my eyes burning. I blink some more.

  “Wow. So you’re a Brummie?” His voice is still light, but I don’t feel light at all.

  “Yeah, I guess I was.”

  The truth is I don’t remember too much of my life back in Birmingham. I mean, I was ten when I had to leave, so I do have memories, but it feels like they are all a little out of reach, blurry. It’s such a scary thought to me. One day, all the memories from that part of my life might completely slip away.

  “Why did you move to Blackpool?”

  I shrug. “Life happened, I guess.”

  Time to change the subject.

  “How are you all allowed the same week off from work?” I ask.

  “Shutdown. All car factories usually have two weeks in the summer when they shut down,” he answers, like he’s been trained to give that exact reply.

  “Lucky me.” I smile at him.

  My response must have caught him off guard because he smiles and rubs his hand over the top of mine. I shiver under his touch.

  “You cold?”
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  I shake my head, my teeth chattering. “No, actually, I’m not.”

  He nods, smirking, as if he knows I’m reacting to him.

  “Come on.” He leads me up the nearby stairs to the road, then he stops, as if suddenly realising he has no clue where he is.

  “How long before we get to the ice cream place?”

  I point. “That street there.”

  He looks around the streets of Blackpool, the wind blowing us about. “Let’s get chips first. It will help warm you up.”

  He takes hold of my wrist and slides his hand down into mine, lacing our fingers together, like they were always meant to be there. He gives my hand a small squeeze, as if to make sure it is secure in his.

  I look up at him helplessly. God, that feels amazing. His hand has to be as cold as mine, but as soon as our skin touches, I feel the warmth quickly spreading. He looks down at our hands, then back at me. I know he feels it, too. He smiles before tugging me across the road to a tiny chip bar.

  We walk along the street in happy silence as we eat our chips. I look at him out of the corner of my eye every now and then, seeing him doing the same. It doesn’t feel weird, though. It feels strangely normal.

  “Ready for the best ice cream you’ll ever taste?” I ask. He smiles as he takes the empty cones of chips, putting them in a bin as we pass.

  “That is a very bold statement, but yes, I am.”

  I lead him to Notarianni Ice Cream Parlour and order two tubs of plain vanilla. Fin lets me order, which is the best thing to do. Let a pro show you the ropes. The ice cream from this place doesn’t need any fancy toppings or pretty sprinkles. Covering it with too much can ruin the whole thing.

  I turn to look at him over my shoulder. “Blue or green?” I ask.

  His lips turn into a curious smile. “Um, blue, I guess.”

  I request blue sauce on both, then watch the lady stab the two tubs with two little plastic spoons. They look perfect. I pay and hand Fin his ice cream before picking mine up.

  We walk back across the road to the steps leading down to the beach. I sit on the top one, looking down into my tub of gorgeous ice cream. I feel Fin sit right next to me on the step. I watch as he takes his first taste. He closes his eyes and groans before looking at me.