by Terra Wolf
“Oh my God…”
“I didn’t know what to do,” I continued. “Or, what I should do, but I knew I had to decide fast. I talked to my mom and to Lacey. They both supported me. They said they would stand by me no matter what decision I made. When I decided to give the baby up, it was the hardest decision I ever made. I was six months along when I asked Lacey to adopt the baby. I didn’t even know if it was a boy or girl. I couldn’t bear the thought of knowing and then having to give her up. Lacey said she would keep her. She held me while I cried over it and she was there in the room when I gave birth.”
“So, Lacey has our cub?” Kellan asked. His voice was soft, but I could hear the anger bubbling beneath the surface.
“No,” I shook my head. “When she was born, I held her. I held her for a long time and then they took her away. The second she left the room I knew I made a huge mistake. I started screaming and sobbing. I yelled as loud as I could until Lacey and my mom came running into the room. I told them I made a mistake, that I wanted to keep my baby. They thought I was just emotional and sleep deprived. They wanted me to sleep on it, but I didn’t need any more time. I knew the second I saw her that I couldn’t lose her. She was mine.”
“Ours,” Kellan corrected with a glare. “She is OURS. How the hell could you keep this from me?”
“I thought about telling you a thousand times,” I said. “But you were gone and I didn’t know how. I didn’t know what you would say or how you would react.”
“That doesn’t matter!” he said. “I had a right to know I was a father.”
“Would it have changed anything?” I demanded. “Would you have left the Alphas to be a dad?”
“What I would or wouldn’t have done isn’t the point, Julia,” he said. “You kept my child from me for five years! How could you do that?”
“I was scared.”
The truth felt like an excuse, but I said it anyway. Kellan watched my face and knew I wasn’t lying. He saw how terrified I was back then. In that moment, he felt all my fear and pain.
“I’m sorry I wasn’t there,” he said softly. “For you. For her.”
“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you,” I said. “That wasn’t fair.”
“What’s her name?” he asked. He glanced behind me, looking at the front door as if he only just realized where he was. “Is she here?”
“She’s at Lacey’s playing with her cousins for a few hours,” I said. “Her name is Lillian. Lillian Marie.”
“Marie?” Kellan asked, his eyes widened in surprise.
“After your mother,” I nodded. “You know I always loved her.”
“You didn’t tell...” he began.
“Your parents?” I asked. “Of course not. Do you really think they would have kept that from you?”
“Maybe,” he shrugged. “If you had asked them to.”
“I didn’t,” I said. “I didn’t tell anyone outside of my family.”
“Does she know about me? About what I am? What she is?”
“My assistant is a shifter, she has friends at school that are as well. But no, she doesn’t know she’s a bear. I wanted to wait, until I knew for sure she had the gene.”
“What? You were waiting until she changed? You know how scary that is? She could hurt herself!”
“I don’t know actually, I’m human remember?”
“And when she did change, what then?”
“I’d have to tell her the truth. I knew eventually I would, I just wasn’t ready.”
“I want to see her,” he said bluntly. There wasn’t a question in his voice. It was a demand. One I couldn’t ignore.
I nodded and gestured toward the car. We climbed inside and drove through town until we reached Lacey’s house. I pulled into the driveway and Kellan immediately jumped out of the car.
“Wait,” I said. I hurried after him. I grabbed his arm and pulled him around to face me. “You can’t just barge in there.”
“Why not?” he demanded. “She’s my daughter.”
“But she doesn’t know that,” I reminded him. “Please, for her, just give me a minute to explain things to her. Please.”
Kellan looked like he wanted to shove me to the ground and race inside the house, but he knew I was right. No matter how angry he was with me, he couldn’t put his own needs above Lillian’s. She needed to be prepared for what was about to happen.
I stepped around Kellan and made my way up to the front door. I took a deep breath and rang the doorbell. Lacey opened the door with a smile.
“You’re early,” she said. “We didn’t expect you until later.”
“I’m sorry,” I said. “Um… something came up and I need to talk to Lillian. Now.”
“Okay,” Lacey frowned. She stepped aside and let me in. “Julia, what’s going on?”
“I told Kellan,” I said. “He’s here to meet her.”
“Oh my God.”
“Where is she?” I asked.
“Upstairs.” Lacey pointed to the stairs. She touched my shoulder as I walked by.
The kids were playing in the playroom, all of them giggling. I leaned against the wall and watched them for a few seconds. I wanted to imprint the image onto my brain.
“Hey guys,” I finally said. “Can you go find your mom while I talk to Lili for a minute?”
“Mom!” Lili said. “We’re playing!”
“I know, sweetheart,” I told her. “But this is really important, okay?”
“Fine,” she rolled her eyes as her cousins ran downstairs. “What is it?”
“Come here,” I said. I gestured for her to come stand in front of me. I knelt so I was level with her. I smiled and smoothed her curls down. She had grown up so much that there were times when I forgot how little she still was. She was just a little girl, after all. She hadn’t even started kindergarten yet.
“Mommy,” she said with a frown. “What’s wrong?”
“Do you remember when you asked me about your daddy?” I asked.
“Yes,” Lili nodded. “You said he was a brave soldier. You said he was busy fighting for our country.”
“He was,” I nodded. “He did that for a long time, but now he’s done. He’s retired and he’s here to meet you. Is that something you want?”
Lili thought about it for a second and frowned. She took a step backward and looked down at her shoes. I could see the wheels of thought turning in her five-year-old mind.
“Am I going to live with him now?” she asked.
“No,” I shook my head. “You’ll stay with me. I promise.”
“Is he nice?” she asked.
“You’ll love him,” I told her with a smile. “He’s really nice.”
“Okay,” she nodded. “Then, I want to meet him.”
Twenty- Four
Julia
Kellan walked up the stairs slowly. He looked like he was heading for trial. I could see his hands shaking as he stuffed them nervously in his pockets.
“She doesn’t bite,” I promised. “You don’t have anything to be afraid of.”
“If she’s anything like you, I do,” he said softly.
“Ha. Ha.” I said.
Kellan reached the top step and turned into the playroom. I walked up behind him and waited until Lili turned around to face us. When she did, her eyes went straight to Kellan’s face.
“Lili,” I said. “This is Kellan. This is your dad.”
“Were you really a soldier?” she asked immediately. I chuckled.
“Something like that,” he nodded. “I was what you call an Alpha. It’s a special team for people like me, shifters. Do you know what that is?”
“Yeah, Corina at school, her daddy is a bird. He can fly, it’s so cool! Can you fly?”
“No, sadly, I can’t.”
“Where did you live?” Lili asked.
“All over,” Kellan answered. He took a step closer to her. She kept staring at him with wide, thoughtful eyes.
“How come you never came to
see me?”
Lili’s question made my stomach tighten. I waited with bated breath for Kellan to answer. He didn’t owe me anything, he didn’t have to protect me. I knew I only had myself to blame if Lili got angry with me.
“I wish I could have,” he said. “But, I was so busy being an Alpha that I didn’t have enough time. That’s why I retired. So, I could spend time with you.”
“Really?” Lili asked, her eyes lighting up with excitement.
“I didn’t know it at the time,” Kellan said. “But, that’s exactly why I left. It was time for me to meet you.”
“That’s cool,” Lili smiled.
Kellan glanced back at me with a kind look in his eyes. I had tears falling down my cheeks as I mouthed a “thank you” to him. He nodded slightly and turned his attention back to Lili.
“So,” he said. “Tell me, Lili, what’s your favorite game to play?”
“I like to play dolls,” she said. “But not Barbie dolls or princesses or anything like that. Doctor dolls.”
“Doctor dolls?” he asked. “What’s that?”
“It’s where your dolls work in a hospital saving people,” she explained.
“That sounds great,” Kellan said. “Can I play with you?”
“Sure!” Lili said. She ran across the room and picked up four dolls. She hurried over and handed two to Kellan as he sat down on the floor in front of her.
I stood back and watched them play. Kellan’s attention was focused entirely on Lili as she named their dolls and taught Kellan her game. I smiled to myself and let the tears flow freely. I didn’t realize just how much Lili was missing by not having Kellan in her life. As I watched them together, I knew I could never separate them again.
Twenty- Five
Kellan
Lillian. Lillian Marie Prewitt.
My cub.
Her name played over and over in my mind while I watched her dress her dolls in hospital scrubs. She was smiling and talking so fast that I could barely understand what she was saying, but I couldn’t tear my eyes away from her.
I used to think there was no one on Earth as beautiful as Julia. I was wrong. Lillian had Julia’s dark brown curls that fell unkempt around her face. She vibrated with natural energy and her bright blue eyes were the spitting image of her mother’s. At a quick glance, Lillian was Julia in miniature. They looked exactly alike. But, as I watched her mannerisms and the way her smile stretched across her face, I saw small likenesses between her and me.
Lillian didn’t have my hair or my eyes, but she had my features. Her nose was small and round, just like mine and her cheek bones were angled the way mine were. I wondered what her little brown bear would look like, she still had a few years before we would find out. But I could smell the bear inside her. She’d change at nine, just like I did. She wasn’t just a miniature Julia, she was a perfect mixture of the two of us. The longer I watched her, the bigger my smile became.
“What’s her name?” I asked, picking up a blonde doll and smoothing her hair back.
“That’s Michelle,” Lillian told me. “She’s a nurse, but she training to become a doctor.”
“Oh?” I chuckled. “She’s in school?”
“Of course,” Lillian rolled her eyes. “Everyone should be in school.”
“She just thinks that because she isn’t old enough to go yet, preschool is a bit more relaxed,” Julia explained from behind me. I turned around and gave her a smile.
“Is that true?” I asked Lillian.
“I start in September,” she said sadly. “Which is months away.”
“It’s not that much longer,” I said. “The more you think about it, the slower time will pass.”
“Mom always says that, too,” Lillian grumbled.
“Who do you think I got it from?” Julia asked with a chuckle. I could hear the happiness in her voice and it filled me with a warmth I hadn’t felt in a long time. Sitting there, playing with my daughter and listening to Julia’s soft breathing behind me, my bear and I felt more at peace than I’d felt in years.
“What’s your favorite thing to do?” I asked Lillian.
“My favorite thing?” she asked with a frown.
“In the entire world,” I nodded. “It can be anything. Anything at all.”
Lillian thought about it for a second. Her forehead was furrowed as she considered all her options. It was amazing to watch the wheels in her head turn. I’d never seen someone so young think so intensely.
“Walk in Central Park with Mom on Sunday mornings,” Lillian announced. “That’s my favorite thing.”
“Why?” I asked.
“Because it’s just the two of us,” Lili explained. “During the week, Mommy works a lot. So, I stay home with Mrs. Tucker. We play and she teaches me stuff. It’s fun, but I like it better when I’m just with Mommy. When it’s just the two of us.”
I glanced behind me and saw tears sliding down Julia’s face. She’d cried on and off since we arrived at Lacey’s. I couldn’t blame her. My own emotions were threatening to burst free. It took all my strength to keep my voice steady and my eyes dry.
“That’s sounds amazing,” I said. “I like spending time with your mom a lot, too.”
“How come you stopped dating her?” Lillian asked. She was busy playing with her dolls. Her question was so off-handed it almost seemed like she didn’t know what she was asking. When I hesitated, though, she glanced up and fixed her blue eyes on me.
“I had a few things to figure out back then,” I explained slowly. “I really, really wanted to become an Alpha. So, when I got the chance to do that, I couldn’t pass it up.”
“Kind of like when Mommy got the chance to be a lawyer, right Mom?”
“Exactly,” Julia answered. She walked over and sat down with us on the floor. “Sometimes adults have to figure out what they want to do with their lives before they can be together. Does that make sense?”
“Are you going to be together now?” Lillian asked.
I inhaled and waited for Julia’s response, but she didn’t speak. Instead, she just looked at me. The expression on her face was one of confusion and worry. She didn’t want to give the wrong answer and hurt Lillian, but she also didn’t want to get her hopes up if we weren’t going to try again.
“That’s something your mom and I need to talk about a little bit,” I told her. “But, I can promise you that I’ll be around a lot. If that’s okay with you?”
“Like a real daddy?” Lillian asked. Her face lit up with happiness and my heart melted instantly.
“Just like that,” I promised. I leaned over and kissed the top of her head. She smiled at me before she pushed a doll into Julia’s hands.
“Here Mom,” she said. “If you’re going to be down here, you have to play. You can be Tiffany. She’s the surgeon.”
We spent the rest of the afternoon just playing dolls and talking. I learned all about Lillian’s friends back in New York and how much she desperately wanted a dog. Julia said they didn’t have room for one, but Lillian insisted that they could just get a really, really small one. I knew the truth, I scared pets too. It was just our nature, the pecking order of the animal world.
I laughed more than I had in years. My smile never faltered. For the first time since Young died, I really felt like myself again.
After a while, I sat back and watched Julia play with Lillian. I couldn’t tear my eyes away from them. My eyes shifted from Julia’s face to Lillian’s. I compared their expressions and their voices. They were what I’d been looking for all these years.
I left town to be an Alpha, to fulfill a dream I’d had my entire life. While I was away, I felt sure of myself. I was strong and happy until I wasn’t. When things shifted it knocked my world off its axis and it wasn’t until I saw Julia again that things began to spin normally again.
Julia and Lillian.
They were my life.
Twenty- Six
Julia
We walked through the do
or of my parents’ house. It was empty, my mom and dad wouldn’t be back for a few more hours. We’d already eaten dinner at Lacey’s and I knew Kellan was dying to talk to me alone. Throughout the entire car ride he watched my face closely. He didn’t bother to hide it. I glanced at him briefly, silently telling him we would talk as soon as we could be alone.
“It’s been awhile since I’ve been inside this place,” Kellan laughed. “It hasn’t changed much.”
“Mom and Dad are creatures of habit,” I shrugged. “Lili, why don’t you play outside for a while? Stay in the backyard and I’ll come get you when it’s time for bed, okay?”
“Okay!” Lili bounced away and disappeared through the back door. I turned to face Kellan who was still watching me like I was about to run away from him any minute.
“So,” I said. “Want to sit down?”
“Sure,” Kellan shrugged. We sat on the couch and turned to face each other. I tucked my feet underneath me and cleared my throat. “Go ahead. I know you’re dying to ask me a million questions.”
“I’m not,” Kellan shook his head. “I have questions, but I really just wanted to say thank you.”
“Thank you?” I frowned. That wasn’t at all what I expected. “For what?”
“For letting me see her,” he said. “For telling me about her. For letting me spend time with her. You have no idea how much that means to me. She’s my cub after all.”
“I do,” I said. “I’m just sorry I didn’t tell you sooner. You were right earlier, you did deserve to know. Whatever else happened between us, I shouldn’t have hidden her from you. That wasn’t fair.”
“I understand why you did it,” Kellan said. I searched his face for a sign of sarcasm, but there was nothing but sincerity. “I wasn’t the best person back then. I was selfish and impulsive. I loved you so much, but I couldn’t see past my own needs and wants long enough to really give us a chance. I know how much I hurt you when I left.”
“That’s still not an excuse,” I argued. I couldn’t let him take all the blame for how things ended between us. So much of it was my fault, too. “I walked out of Kellan’s that night. You were trying to tell me how you felt and I didn’t let you. I was just so angry and so hurt that I couldn’t stand to look at you for another second. When I ran it wasn’t because you did anything wrong, it was because I was too weak to face the pain.”