by Kip Nelson
“And I didn't know who else I could talk to about this. Nobody else understands what we've been through. You and me, we've done so much together, and I just needed to talk to someone. I just...there's just so much, and I don't know if I can handle it any longer. I'm scared and I'm tired and I don't know what I'm supposed to do. How can I live like this? How can anyone? I don't think I'm strong enough. I just...” and he broke down, inconsolable.
He stopped speaking and heaved his sadness out as Sharon wrapped her arms around him and drew him into a tight embrace. She rubbed his back, not entirely sure what she was supposed to say or do, but then she was filled with an overwhelming sense of affection for him. She lifted up his head and planted a soft kiss on his lips, tasting the salty tears that ran down Tristan’s face.
Chapter Eleven
Since the sailors had departed New Haven things had settled down somewhat. The sailors had been a disruptive influence, what with gorging themselves on food and trying to have their way with as many women as possible. The revelation that they had turned to cannibalism while stranded at sea had shocked New Haven residents. Everyone had to look at it in their own way, wondering if, in the right circumstances, they too would have been pushed to those extremes. It was a difficult thing to consider because the community in New Haven was so tight-knit that nobody could think they would.
However, nobody could deny that the bond between the sailors had been strong as well, and although everyone liked to think of themselves as different from the sailors, when they looked closely enough they saw too many similarities for their liking. After all, the food supplies were getting dangerously low in New Haven. They barely had enough to make it through the winter as it was, and then the sailors arrived. The patrol that led the sailors back down to the docks had brought back some fish, which was a welcome relief, but other patrols venturing into the city had returned empty-handed, and with the weather turning the way it was the near future looked bleak. Would they all be forced to turn to cannibalism to survive as well?
It was not a welcome prospect, although the vast majority of them all trusted that Mack would see them through. He had with everything else up to that point anyway.
Not everyone had agreed with the decision to let Flint and his men simply up and leave, but it was better than having them stay around. None of them could argue with Mack that the crime was almost too big to punish, and they hoped they never would hear from Flint again. Sometimes it was easy to forget that there were still horrors left in the world. In New Haven, they had managed to create an idyllic world, which, while it wasn't perfect, was a utopia compared to what had come before, in the days after the end of the world.
All of them had dreamed or hoped for something like this. It felt unbelievable, and nobody ever actually thought it would happen, but Mack had made it happen, and they all were eternally grateful to him. He was their leader and everyone trusted him with their lives. They knew that he would do whatever he could to keep them safe, and he never would let them turn to dark deeds like the sailors had. Somehow, he would find a way to keep them alive through winter. Then when the spring came and began thawing the icy chill that spread around the settlement they still would be there, ready to plant new crops and see that New Haven became the home for the hopeful who it was intended to be.
Speaking of Mack, the leader of New Haven was sitting in his office with Hank, the preacher. Both men had been greatly affected by the sailors’ visit as they had talked to Oliver, and were two of the first people to know there was something unusual going on. Conversations between them were becoming more regular since the main group of survivors had split up and focused on their own tasks throughout the settlement. Mack never really considered himself a truly religious person; he'd always believed there was something bigger than himself, but didn't like to put a label on it. However, he enjoyed talking to Hank, and liked the perspective the preacher brought to Mack’s life. He'd noticed that Hank had been shaken by the sailors’ visit.
“Are you going to be okay?” Mack asked. They were sitting on either side of his desk. Hank was gazing idly at the wide bookshelves on one side of the room, looking lost in thought.
“I think so. I just hate the idea that we sent Oliver back there. I feel as though we should have helped him and given him refuge, even though it would have been difficult for him to make the adjustment.”
“You know that people around here only would have reminded him about what he did with the sailors. Besides, he's spent so much time with them now that I don't think he'd have wanted to leave even if we had offered it to him. I don't like it much myself.”
“If they turn back to their old ways, he'll be the first to go, after what he did. You saw the beating they gave him. Do you really think he'll be safe with them?”
“I can't answer that. I hope he will be, and I hope they don't go back to their old ways. Part of me thinks that one of the reasons they lost their humanity is because they thought they were the last people alive. Now they've seen us, so things might be different. I'm hoping they'll sail around the world and find more places like these, and one day they may even make peace with themselves, and be able to settle somewhat and make a new life for themselves.”
“Just not here?” Hank said in an inquiring tone, raising his eyebrows slightly. Mack leaned forward in his seat and exhaled long and deep.
“They weren't ready to settle here. You saw how heavily it weighed on them. If they had stayed, they'd only have caused more problems and more trouble as they tried to work through it. I'd have loved to have helped them properly, but our resources are stretched too thin for that. They've had a taste of what life can be like in this world. Hopefully, that's enough to give them a direction toward the future.”
Hank murmured in agreement, but his gaze drifted again, and he didn't seem comforted by Mack's words. Mack tilted his head and looked at the preacher more closely, at the tight gray hair that knotted over his head, and the dark freckles that speckled his cheeks. His white teeth gleamed, set against his dark skin, and his hooded eyes stared into the depths of the universe.
“I'm going to ask you again, are you okay?” Mack repeated. Hank smiled at him, but it was a weak smile, and one that Mack knew was just there for appearances.
“I am, at least as okay as I'll ever be.”
“Is it something to do with Mindy? Is she okay?” Mack wondered.
He hadn't pried too much into the preacher's personal life. He knew Hank was quite a private man and liked to be discreet, although Mack knew he'd grown very close to Mindy. Sometimes it was hard for people to talk about their relationships, and Hank and Mack both were from generations where it was uncouth for men to talk about their feelings with others. They were expected to lock them down deep inside, and betray no sign of them to the outer world. Mack wondered how many people's lives had been ruined because of that philosophy.
“No, no, she's fine, she really is and, honestly, so am I, Mack, but thank you for asking.”
Mack pressed his lips together and nodded. “But you know you always can come talk to me. Even the preacher is going to need someone to talk to, other than God, I mean.”
Hank chuckled. “I know, and I appreciate that. It's just a few things, I suppose. Oliver was in such pain and I couldn't help him. I know he committed a grave sin, but I wanted to give him some peace, and I just think about the deception all of them committed. If it wasn't for Oliver, would we ever have found out the truth?”
“Oh, we'd have found out,” Mack said, “the thing about the truth is that it always has a way of coming out, even when you least expect it. I don't think I've ever heard of a lie that ever has worked out well. Some people think it's necessary to lie, whether it's to protect other people or themselves, but I think honesty is the way to go. Living a lie would be too exhausting anyway, always having to keep track of the fiction you've created, always having to look over your shoulder. I wouldn't wish that on any man, and if Oliver hadn’t broken, then one of the other sa
ilors would have. Something would have slipped, for sure.”
“I suppose you're right,” Hank said in a grave tone.
Then he rose and bid his farewell to Mack, shaking his hand before he left. Mack watched him leave and felt bad for Hank, hoping that whatever the preacher was going through wasn't going to have any lasting effects. He was a true asset to New Haven, and Mack didn't know what they would do without him.
Mack rose as well and stared at the map of the city that hung on the wall. It was peppered with pins from where he had tracked the movement of a threatening group, and different areas were colored where patrols had been. Fortunately, they hadn't come across another dangerous group of people, which was a relief. Mack wanted New Haven to have a chance to flourish without having to resort to bearing arms at regular intervals to defend itself. But most areas of the city had been explored, with little in the way of good news.
They had found plenty of supplies such as blankets and clothes, but the food had been scarce. A few patrols who had been sent out to the far reaches of the city were due to return soon, though, and Mack hoped they would be bringing back good news with them. After staring at the map for a while, he walked to the corner of the room and spun the globe around, watching the countries blend into a blur. After a few moments of watching this mesmerizing sight he placed his finger firmly onto the globe and it stopped abruptly. He removed his finger and looked at the country he had found, Italy.
“I wonder what's happening over there,” he said aloud, to nobody in particular.
For the most part, his mind was focused on New Haven and the people he loved there, but occasionally he let his mind wander and thought about the rest of the world. There were, or had been at least, billions of people. How many of them had survived? Had any of the governments actually been able to remain intact and maintain order, or had every country fallen into chaos? Had anyone even found out the cause of the EMP? In the beginning, Mack had been intensely curious about that, but as time had gone on he realized that it didn't matter. All that mattered was how they lived now.
“I'm sure something exciting and dangerous, just like we have to deal with. Or they're just sitting on a beach sipping Mai Tais, watching the world go by. Maybe we're the only people in the world who have to deal with all this shit?” Grace said, standing in the door. Mack turned to face her, surprised. He hadn't been expecting to see her until later.
“Anything I can do for you?” he asked.
She sighed and tossed back her hair, something Mack had noticed she did whenever she had something on her mind. She flung herself into one of the chairs and put her feet up on the desk, looking entirely too comfortable, but Mack found it amusing.
“I don't know. This whole thing with the sailors, you know, it stirred up some stuff.”
“I was just talking with Hank about that very thing. I know that people are shaken by it, but we have to try moving on from thinking about what they did. It's not going to do us any good to dwell on it.”
“Oh no, I wasn't thinking about that. It's how it stirred up stuff between Luis and me. I thought I needed some space to clear my head, but whenever I see him I still feel weird.”
“Weird in what way?”
“I'm not sure exactly, but I feel like I can't be myself, almost like I'm always doing something wrong. I feel like he wants me to be somebody I'm not, and I don't know how to handle that. Before these issues came up we could just hang out and be happy and there were no problems. Now, I don't know what I'm supposed to be feeling or how to deal with it. And I'm sure the last thing you want to hear is our relationship drama, but you've always been able to help me with these things, and you are my best friend. So, I wanted to tell you.”
“You're my best friend, too, Grace, and of course I want to hear about any problems you're having. I think this is a natural state for a lot of relationships, especially since you two don't have much experience in previous relationships.”
“That's an understatement,” Grace said curtly.
“And you first got together under extreme circumstances. Things are settling down now, and there's more stability around you, so it's natural the two of you are looking at each other a little differently. All I can tell you is to be patient with him and be honest with him, and yourself as well. Keep talking to him about the way you feel, but don't stay in a relationship with him just because you think you have to. At the end of the day that only would lead to both of you resenting each other, because he won't want to be with someone who is only with him out of a sense of obligation. I know it would be much easier if we could simply flick a switch and turn our emotions on and off, but we have to deal with them I'm afraid.”
“I know,” she sighed.
She was about to say something else when Freddie came running into the office, saying some of the patrols were back. Grace and Mack put their personal discussion aside and raced down to the barriers where the patrols were standing, getting off their horses and reuniting with those they had missed so much. The leaders of the patrols came up to Mack and Grace when they saw them and gave a brief report. Sadly, they did not have good news. The city was mostly barren. Although they found some food, it would not be enough to see New Haven through winter. Still, they also had a more pertinent question that had plagued them all throughout their patrol. Where had all the people gone?
Chapter Twelve
Mack stood there. In truth, the question had plagued him for a while. The city was big, and they should have encountered far more people than they actually had. There had, of course, been riots in which many people had died, and a lot of people had tried leaving the city to find somewhere new, as Maggie, Hank, and Luis had seen when they had been on the highway when the EMP hit. Some of those people tried reaching rural areas to live off the land. While others had migrated to even larger cities, where they hoped their chances of survival would be better. Mack had met some of these people in the first settlement they had come across while in the forest. Although even then he would have assumed most people would have stayed where they were most comfortable. It was as though they all had disappeared.
“We were on our guard the whole way through, figuring there would be other people around, especially when we got all the way to the other side of the city, but there was nobody there. Somebody must have been there to clear out all the food from the stores and things, but there wasn't any trace. We went in houses as well, and called out to them, but there was nothing,” one of the people who went out on patrol said.
“Maybe they've all been beamed up by aliens,” someone joked. This brought out a tittering laugh, but it only masked the issue of what actually had happened.
Mack stayed silent while other people offered various theories. The most common one, and the most sensible one, was that people simply up and left the city when they saw how the state of things were unfolding. The riots would have scared them, and it would have made sense to try making it somewhere safe. While this did make sense, it didn't convince Mack because he didn't think people would so easily abandon their homes.
Another theory that had some merit was that a safe place had been set up and people had flocked to that. Still, that was only a matter of speculation, since there wasn't any proof at all. It wasn't even that most of the people had died because they still would have found corpses littering the streets. It was as though a big chunk of the population just had disappeared for no reason, and as good as Mack's imagination was, he wasn't about to entertain the possibility of extra-terrestrial interference. No, there had to be a rational explanation. He only hoped it wasn't because of another huge group who wanted to swallow up other people in a frenzy of death and destruction.
Mack thought there would have been other people with whom they could have pooled resources and traded supplies. In his ideal world, he wanted to set up a network of communities that all could work together to help each other survive. However, at the moment it seemed as though New Haven was the only one in the city, a lonely beacon that would hav
e to rely on itself for survival. While self-reliance was one of the most important qualities Mack considered someone to have, he was not blind to the cons of isolation. Trade and sharing were some of the most fundamental aspects of human society, and it was something necessary for survival. They never were going to have exactly everything they needed, but without anyone to trade with they were going to be left to fend for themselves, and that would not bode well for them if they didn't find food soon.
But it was more than food that Mack wanted. He wanted to know that there were other survivors who had been able to achieve the same things as New Haven had. He wanted to know that New Haven was not alone in the world, in having overcome the tough circumstances of the post-apocalyptic world. He wanted to share stories and advice on how to flourish in this type of world, and wanted a support network to share not only supplies, but people as well. Mack’s vision was to build a thriving settlement with a new civilization, one founded on mutual trust and co-operation.
Once the speculation had died down everyone around them looked to Mack for an explanation. They were so used to him knowing exactly what was going on. So, they just naturally assumed he would offer an answer that made sense, one that would give them closure and set their minds at ease before they continued going about their day. Yet, he couldn't give them what they wanted or needed. He didn't understand it himself, since, at the very least, the city offered shelter from the elements. But the most pressing concern was the need for food, something that Grace brought up.
“I get that it's weird that there aren't more people out there, but we have to be focused on food. Frankly, this isn't as much as we hoped to get from going so far out. Mack, I really do think we need to take a patrol into the forest. I'm not saying we have to go all the way back to the settlement, but we have to try for other sources of food.”