I Was a Teenage Weredeer (The Bright Falls Mysteries Book 1)

by C. T. Phipps

  “Maybe,” Kim Su said, crossing her arms.

  I took a deep breath. “Okay, I was going out one day wearing a slinky dress with a purse full of mushrooms when my mother came out and said, ‘You can’t go out like that.’ I asked, ‘Why?’ Then my mother said, ‘Because you don’t want people to think you’re a deer of loose morels.’”

  Kim Su stared at me.

  “Because deer eat a fungus called morels,” I said.

  Kim Su raised an eyebrow.

  “All weredeer are not good at puns!” I snapped at her.

  “Why is the purse full of mushrooms?” Emma asked, calling from a table containing a stack of autographed Farrah Fawcett photos. No idea why those were there.

  “It’s a joke, it doesn’t have to make sense,” I said.

  “So the cents are in your purse?” Emma asked.

  “Who is the weredeer here?” Kim Su asked.

  I frowned. “Lady, I do not appreciate your pressuring me to conform. Being a weredeer is hard! Not only do I have to put up with the puns, every other woman in my race has long legs and can walk in stiletto heels without difficulty. Every guy constantly wants to butt heads with each other. Also, things are never salty enough. That includes salt.”

  “Now I believe you.” Kim Su grinned and pulled out a sheet of white paper from a ’90s-style printer behind her then picked up a Sharpie to write on it.

  “You didn’t before?” I asked, exasperated.

  “No, I did,” Kim Su said, shrugging. “I just have so few amusements in my old age. Also, I regenerate any wound so don’t talk to me about shoes. I’m incapable of building callouses on my feet, so they’re permanently tender.”

  “Ouch,” I said. “Emma doesn’t wear heels because her feet are permanently padded.”

  “They are not!” Emma shouted as she picked up a Bionic Woman action figure.

  Alex looked like he could barely suppress laughing aloud.

  Kim chuckled. “Have a look around and see if you find anything you’d think would help. I’ll also write you a spell that will allow you to banish a god.”

  “Alex said he didn’t have the juice to do it,” I said, blinking. I was trying to figure out exactly what was needed to save my family and didn’t need to be distracted by Kim Su’s desire to make us put on a show. “Juice?”

  “Magic is like building up a muscle. A lot of it is hard work but some of it is genetics. Alex punches like Bruce Lee, but that doesn’t mean much compared to some of what is out there.”

  “What do you punch like?” I asked.

  “Albert Einstein,” Kim Su said, scribbling something on the paper. “It took me three hundred years to gather enough magic to make this device. Unlike most of our kind, I refuse to engage in pacts with spirits or feed off a cult. I have more knowledge than most any other mage alive, but I’m not the most powerful magic user in the world, not by a long shot.”

  “What about me?” I asked.

  “You’re a shapeshifter of a lineage that has cultivated magic within itself for a few millennia, so you should be fine. It’s really the question of how much you’re willing to sacrifice to the magic that will determine how powerful you can become.”

  I made a whoosh gesture over my head.

  Kim Su smiled. “Magic isn’t like science. It doesn’t continue to exist independent of you and regardless of your feelings. You use magic to change the world, it changes you back.”

  “That’s not always a bad thing,” Alex said.

  “Spirits love you,” Kim Su said, folding up the piece of paper and sliding it across the counter. “Good ones and some bad. You’re also devoted to a cause. I prefer to own my soul free and clear.”

  “Maybe that’s why I had to leave,” Alex said.

  “You’re not just here because you like it,” I said, looking around the room. “You’re here because you’re hiding.”

  “When you try and make the world a better place, you make enemies.” Kim Su sighed. “Azazel, Aleister Crowley, the Ultralogists, the Cult of Transcendent Ones, and more than a few vampire Old Ones. Being one of the few genuinely immortal beings out there, I can usually just take a few decades off every century or so to let them die off or get themselves killed fighting each other. I made a mistake in the eighties and if I leave my home then I’m likely to get found by people who would make a fight with me look like Bambi versus Godzilla. No offense.”

  “I like Godzilla,” I said.

  “He reminds me too much of Lucien,” Alex said.

  I snorted and opened the envelope. It read “GET OUT” in big black letters. “Wait a minute, what the hell is this?”

  “The spell for exorcising Clara O’Henry,” Kim Su said. “That will be five ninety-nine.”

  “‘GET OUT’?” I said, no longer finding her antics amusing.

  “You can say it in Latin if you want to,” Kim Su said.

  Alex felt his head. “Kim?”

  “The magic is in her not any chants or books,” Kim said, sighing. “You know that better than anyone, Alex. The charts, words, and astrology help. You can even borrow magic from spirits when you’re a regular human to make rituals work if you know the right names but at the end of the day, magic is will plus belief plus lineage times juice equals niftiness.”

  “Thanks,” I said, growling. Unfortunately, being a deer, it didn’t really work for me and I sounded adorable rather than threatening.

  Kim sighed and gestured for me. “Come here.”

  I reluctantly leaned over the counter.

  Kim put her finger to my forehead. “Understand.”

  The next thing I knew, I was on the ground foaming at the mouth and shaking. Alex and Emma were by my side.

  “Ugh!” I said, choking and spitting to one side.

  Kim was sitting behind her counter still, now reading an Italian copy of Glamour. “You’re welcome.”

  “What the hell?” Emma shouted, calling to her.

  “Ask her,” Kim Su said.

  I climbed on my feet and almost launched myself over the counter before pausing in mid-step. “Huh, I know how to exorcise people.”

  Kind of. I understood vaguely how the process worked in the same way I knew how to breathe without thinking about it. I could summon my will and inner strength to do it but it would be without any subtlety or form. Just raw power. It was like she’d added a third Gift to my visions and psychometry.

  Wow.

  “Yes, I have taught you one spell,” Kim Su said, giving a mischievous smile. “The Keanu Reeves way. I don’t recommend doing it again. I mean, it only has a small chance of liquefying your brain every time but those odds are not ones I’d like to test.”

  “No kidding,” I said, needing to catch myself on the countertop.

  “Oh don’t be a baby, you didn’t even wet yourself,” Kim Su said. “I could tell you about some of my apprentices who—”

  Alex pulled out a ten-dollar bill from his wallet and handed it over. “Thank you, Kim. I don’t think we’ll need anything else.”

  Kim rung it up and handed him over the change. “A word of caution, Alex. The Red Wolf isn’t just a small-time spirit. It is the manifested spirit of Bright Falls and a child of both the Earth as well as sky. You can kill it and probably should but there will be consequences to it. All the defenses it has placed around this town will be pulled away and there will be a rush to replace them. Nature abhors a vacuum.”

  “I’ll take my chances,” Alex said, placing his hand over his heart. “Better to fight evil than leave it to continue harming the innocent.”

  “Because that attitude has never gotten America in trouble before,” Kim said.

  She had a point there.

  Emma looked torn between saying something and accepting the spell Kim Su had worked on me was for my own good. Instead, she lifted her hand basket full of scented candles and handed over her debit card.

  I gave her a sideways look. “Really?”

  “What?” Emma said. “She h
as sandalwood and cherry.”

  I rolled my eyes.

  Chapter Twenty-Eight

  The three of us moved to depart Kim Su’s store after making our purchases, Emma carrying a brown grocery bag full of knick-knacks she’d picked up. Alex had bought himself a silver lighter, though my nose told me he hadn’t even been around second-hand smoke recently. I’d bought a copy of Fox Mulder’s “I want to believe” poster. The original owner had been so fanatically devoted to The X-Files, it had allowed the poster to become a holy relic that would increase the natural protection of any home against evil. I wasn’t sure if I believed that but the poster would make a kickass addition to my room (or a “Glad you’re not dead” present for Jeremy).

  Thoughts of my family temporarily exited my head when I saw, standing just outside the door we’d walked out of were three familiar faces pointing guns at our heads. It was Deana wearing tactical combat armor and holding an M16 (or possibly some other big assault rifle-looking gun, I’m not an expert on these things), Gerald Pasteur holding a Beretta aimed only vaguely in our direction, and Lucien holding a Desert Eagle in both hands like he was in a John Woo film.

  “We need to talk,” Lucien said, his voice full of accusation and fury.

  “Obviously,” Alex said, cocking his head sideways. “You do realize there’s no actual benefit to using two pistols at the same time, right? It destroys your accuracy and if you want to fire multiple times, you should just use a machine gun. That’s why they were created.”

  “Maybe they’re magic guns,” Emma suggested. “Maybe the spirit of Chow Yun Fat taught him Gun-Fu.”

  “Possible,” Alex said, furrowing his brow. Clearly, he was taking her suggestion seriously. “But unlikely. Besides, he could just enchant a machine gun.”

  “Quit helping, guys, please,” I said, closing my eyes and wondering if I’d infected them with my sarcasm or like had attracted like.

  “Shut up!” Lucien said, putting away one of his guns and waving the other between us. “You lied to me! Both of you.”

  “There’s three of us here,” I pointed out. “But I’m going to assume you mean me and Alex.”

  Emma grumbled. “Thanks for including me, Jane. I appreciate that.”

  “You’re welcome,” I said.

  Emma glared at me. “I was being sarcastic. I can do that too, you know.”

  “Really? I had no idea.”

  “Right.” Emma looked at Deana as she put down her grocery bag. “You can forget about a second date.”

  “Eh.” Deana shrugged, nonplussed. “It happens.”

  “You cannot frighten me, brother,” Alex said, puffing up his chest and crossing his arms. “Death is but a doorway. Some souls are obliterated by the light beyond and others made part of it. For me, it is but a transformation, but for you, it is end.”

  “Did you literally just say if you strike me down I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine?” I asked, looking at him.

  “Not literally,” Alex said, embarrassed.

  “Yeah, well speak for yourself,” I said. “I’m not ready to join my grandfather in the Great Meadow in, well, not the Darkwater Preserve. It turned out Belinda Carlyle was right. Heaven is a place on Earth.”

  Lucien fired his gun in the air. It caused everyone in the parking lot to drop their groceries and flee for safety. “Quit the banter.”

  “I’m not sure that’s possible,” I said, looking at him and realizing he wasn’t going to shoot us. I’d seen him kill the animals in the forest and come at the Lodge. Lucien just wanted to scare us. At least, that’s what I hoped was going on. “It’s ingrained in my DNA like the ability to become a deer and love of mushrooms.”

  “Your mother killed my parents and brother,” Lucien hissed, his mouth glowing orange and red as fire flicked out from his mouth.

  I blanched as I closed my eyes. I was really hoping that would never come out. “I’m sorry.”

  Even Alex deflated.

  “I’m sure she had a good reason!” Emma said, defending the indefensible.

  “Don’t help, Emma,” I said, sucking in my breath.

  “You knew,” Lucien’s voice carried an immense amount of betrayal. “Both of you.”

  It should have surprised me Alex had figured out my mother’s involvement but it didn’t. Despite the fact he was one of the few people not related to the disaster at the Lodge, he seemed to be far more on the ball than anyone else involved in this. Then again, maybe it wasn’t that big of a leap to make the person involved in ritually killing the thirteenth clan’s leaders would be the local person in charge of rituals. No wonder we’d never talked about the Dragon Clan’s destruction in the Doe household.

  “I deduced,” Alex said, sounding appalled but sympathetic. I’d wanted him to talk to his brother but not about this. Crap. He didn’t stop there, either. “Now, what are you going to do? Murder Jane? Murder me? Have you lost yourself so much to hate that you will commit the same sin as your family? The woods are full of Drake and O’Henry corpses as well as those caught between them in their feud. I had thought you better than this.”

  I closed my eyes, half expecting Alex’s words to get us killed. When I opened them, I was surprised by Lucien putting his gun away. Gerald and Deana reluctantly did the same, Deana putting her rifle over her shoulder.

  “No,” Lucien said. “I am going to kill Judy Doe, though.”

  “Like hell you are,” I said, taking a step forward.

  Deana stepped forward herself. She conjured yet another ball of water but this one turned into a sword made of ice that hovered in the air. Huh. That was actually pretty cool. A lot more intimidating than her usual water-balloon attacks.

  “You’re not going to kill Mrs. Doe,” Emma said, looking between us.

  “Thanks, Emma,” I said, glad to have her backing me up.

  “You’re being manipulated,” Alex said, looking between them. “The Big Bad Wolf is almost certainly the party who informed you of this fact. It wants to disrupt our attempts to rescue Jane’s family. By making you our enemy, we’ll be more inclined to turn you over.”

  I tried to understand the logic behind that but failed. Then again, I wasn’t a vengeance obsessed demonic spirit out to resurrect his family. It did point to the Big Bad Wolf knowing we were planning on a double cross, though. I just prayed it didn’t fall upon my family. I loved all of them despite the lies.

  “Stand in my way and I’ll kill you,” Lucien said, walking up his brother. “I’ve grown more powerful than you…”

  I stared at him. “Can possibly imagine?”

  Lucien stopped mid-sentence. “Dammit, you’ve got me doing it.”

  “I’m not going to let you hurt my mother,” I said.

  “Like you could stop me,” Lucien said, his face returning to normal. “Come on, Alex, take your best shot. You’re only human and playing in the game of gods.”

  Seconds later, Lucien was flying through the air and landing on top of the Millennium Falcon’s hood. I hadn’t even seen Alex move but knew he’d given him a punch that would have put Mike Tyson to shame. Deana and Gerald went for their guns again. Clearly, that little display of bravado hadn’t gone the way they’d expected it to.

  I pulled out the Merlin Gun that glowed in their presence. I moved the gun between the two. I saw Gerald waking up as a vampire and slaughtering his parents as well as being unable to control himself during several feedings while his creator exalted in the former doctor’s pain. I saw Deana committing war crimes on behalf of the government, gunning down villagers and burning fields until she’d discovered her bosses weren’t the US government but a corporation wrapping itself in the flag. “This gun thinks both of you deserve to die. It hungers for your deaths.”

  Emma had already changed into her dire wolf form and was growling at the pair. “I will kill you both! No one hurts Jane and lives!”

  Aww, that was sweet of her, also creepy.

  I made the mistake of trying to
read the gun and that almost caused me to drop it. Drop it and scream. My mind was overloaded with images of battlefields where winged humans were impaled on adamantine spikes, epic monsters battling it out in Eden-like fields, and spirits being stripped of their forms before being cast in a great darkness. A great darkness they filled with the nightmares of souls so they’d have something to occupy themselves with. The Merlin Gun kept me from dropping it, forcing me to tighten my grip but it removed any doubt that this gun was inhabited by an angel. An angel who thirsted for blood. Which made me wonder which side it was on in the Great Rebellion I’d seen a glimpse of.

  THE RIGHT SIDE, the words spoken in a conversational tone which, nevertheless, boomed in my skull. NEVER DOUBT IT.

  “Dial it down,” I whispered to the gun. “No one has to die here.”

  BUT THEY SHOULD.

  “Less talking,” I said to the gun. “More threatening.”

  Emma and Alex both cast me a sideways glance.

  Gerald surprised me by putting his gun on the ground while Deana hesitated to go for her weapon.

  “The gun is right,” Gerald said, his voice filled with remorse and self-loathing. “To be a vampire is damned. I merely wish company and friendship until the Angel of Death claims me.”

  “Shut up,” Deana said, almost hissing. “Everything I did was justified. I did what I had to do.”

  LIES, the gun whispered.

  I was suddenly less confident about wielding this weapon.

  Gerald looked at her with pity in his eyes. “I used to tell myself that too. It helped for a time.”

  Lucien climbed off the top of my car and walked twenty feet back to us. I really hoped he hadn’t damaged anything permanent, because it was going to be hell getting it fixed on my salary. “Okay, that was a lucky shot.”

  “Don’t make me do anything you’d regret,” I said, really wishing I trusted the others enough to put my gun away. “This thing has a mind of its own. I’m not kidding.”

  Deana stared. “I could fill your lungs with water before you even tried.”

  “Then my brother would kill you or Emma or both,” Lucien said. “Or I would. No one dies without permission. Now put down your weapon.”