For Keeps

by Rachel Lacey

  What’s going on here? That was a good question. Hysteria bubbled up inside her, harder and stronger than she’d felt in years, and she couldn’t hold it in, couldn’t hold it back.

  Not this time.

  “Please,” she whispered, not sure what she was asking.

  T.J. came toward her, but she shook her head. She turned and walked down the path to her left, between rows of headstones, until she reached the one she sought. She tumbled to the ground at Tyler’s grave and let go of the tears threatening to drown her.

  Except they wouldn’t come. The pain filled her so completely that nothing could escape. T.J.’s arms came around her, pulling her up against the solid wall of his chest. She fisted her hands in his T-shirt and held on until the wave of grief had passed.

  “Whose baby is this?” he asked, but when she looked up, she saw that he already knew.

  “Mine,” she whispered, and felt her soul crack at that one simple word.

  “Jesus, Merry.” His arms tightened around her. “I’m sorry. So sorry.”

  “I miss him.” So much she wasn’t sure how she was ever supposed to make peace with it. She pressed her face against his chest.

  “What happened?”

  He’d read the dates on the tombstone. He knew her son had lived only two months. That wasn’t supposed to happen. It was wrong, so horribly wrong.

  “I was a single mom in nursing school. Between classes and clinicals and studying, I was barely holding my head above water. That night, I came home, and I just fell asleep, and I slept…” The guilt closed over her, crushing her until she could barely draw breath. “Tyler never slept through the night. Never.”

  She shuddered, and T.J.’s arms tightened around her.

  “When I woke up the next morning, he was gone. Cold. He’d been dead for hours. If only I’d gotten up to check on him…” Her voice broke, but her eyes stayed dry.

  She was too broken even to cry.

  “Oh God, Merry. Don’t do that to yourself. SIDS. It was SIDS?”

  “That’s what they said eventually.”

  “And before that?”

  She squeezed her eyes shut. “I was a strung-out nursing student who’d gotten pregnant by accident. I was in over my head, and they knew it. The police came and asked questions. They took pictures and samples from his crib to see if I’d done anything to him. But they couldn’t find anything so…”

  T.J. hauled her up to look in her eyes. “They have to do that. If you’d been a suburban housewife, they’d have done the same. But you didn’t cause his death.”

  She wrenched free to face the tiny grave where her baby lay. “I was so tired. Maybe he cried for me, and I didn’t hear him. I was so busy going to school, learning how to save other people’s kids, but I couldn’t even save my own son.”

  * * *

  T.J. kept one arm firmly around Merry’s waist. Below them, Tango carefully picked his way along the trail. After leaving the cemetery, Merry had been emotionally spent yet buzzing with tension.

  He’d followed her home, then brought her here to the place that always calmed him when nothing else could, hoping it would do the same for her. But even to have her on Twilight’s back seemed too far away, so he’d put her in front of him on Tango.

  They rode in silence broken only by the steady clop of the horse’s hooves, the hum of insects, and the trickle of the stream. Nature’s beautiful harmony.

  He’d brought her to the stream before, but today he’d take her further, show her his inner sanctum. She leaned back in the saddle so that she rested against his chest, his arm still looped securely around her waist.

  It felt right having her here with him, on his horse, in his arms. Everything about her felt right. He’d prejudged her that first afternoon in David’s lobby, thinking her a girly-girl who had no business in his world, but he’d been wrong. She’d held her own here on his farm, with his horses, his nephew. With him.

  He didn’t want to let her go. Not today. Not at the end of camp. Maybe not ever.

  Tango sloshed along the water’s edge, head down and relaxed. He knew where they were headed without needing any guidance from T.J. They came here often, but this would be the first time T.J. had brought anyone with him.

  At the back of his property, the stream narrowed, growing deeper and more swift. It continued on into county conservation land. He encountered the occasional hiker and even more occasional illegal hunter, but largely the area was untouched by the human hand.

  Tango carried them along the stream’s sandy bank and through a stand of trees to the hidden pool he considered his own. On its left, a rocky outcrop rose up, obscuring it from view. Its right-hand shore was sandy and strewn with pebbles. And directly across from them, a waterfall kept it full and clean.

  “Wow,” Merry said.

  “Mm hmm.” T.J. dismounted, then lifted her down. He opened the saddlebag and spread out a blanket for her.

  While Merry took in their surroundings, he loosened the cinch and removed the saddle from Tango’s back. He slipped the gelding’s bridle over his ears and replaced it with a halter, which he clipped onto the line he’d fashioned here years ago.

  Merry stood with her pants rolled up in water to her knees, staring at the waterfall. He walked up behind her and slid his arms around her, pulling her against him.

  “It’s beautiful,” she said.

  “I come here when I need to unwind. It’s peaceful.”

  Her breath hitched, and he turned her to face him. She looked up, her face streaked with tears.

  “Thank you,” he said, “for telling me about Tyler. For sharing him with me.”

  “You didn’t leave me much of a choice.” She went for her trademark half-smile, but it collapsed, and she pressed her face to his shoulder as the dam broke. She sobbed until she was breathless, her fingers clutched into his shirt. He held her, one arm securing her to him while the other stroked her hair, offering what comfort he could.

  Now he understood why she didn’t want to settle down. Why she claimed not to want kids when she spent her life working with them, helping them, healing them. She blamed herself for her son’s death, held herself responsible for something only God himself could have prevented.

  He felt an overwhelming need to take away that pain, that guilt. How? He had no idea. But if she’d let him, he’d keep trying until he figured it out.

  * * *

  Merry stripped to her bra and panties and dove in headfirst. Yeah, the pond was probably filled with snakes and crawfish and whatever the hell else lurked beneath the slimy rocks along the bottom, but she was feeling reckless.

  A restless need inside her pulled her in and wouldn’t let go until she’d submerged herself in it and swum to its center, shivering against the chill of the water.

  “Are you coming or what?” she called to T.J., who stood on the bank, watching.

  Coming, apparently. He stripped to his boxers and swam after her.

  She turned and swam to the waterfall, letting it splash over her until she no longer felt the sting of tears on her cheeks. T.J. came up beside her, floating next to her as the water splashed on their heads and over their shoulders.

  He slipped his hand in hers and laced their fingers together. They drifted together from the waterfall to the center of the pond. Overhead, a couple of blackbirds raced across the sky.

  Floating there in the water, she felt like she was flying with them. It was a heady feeling. Out of nowhere, she laughed. T.J.’s fingers tightened over hers.

  Something bumped her leg. A snake? T.J.’s foot? She stifled a scream. “What was that?”

  He turned to her with a serious face. “I suppose now’s a bad time to tell you this pond’s infested with snapping turtles.”

  “What?” She flailed, flinging herself into his arms, which only submerged them both. She surfaced with a scream, frantically pulling her legs upward to get her toes out of harm’s way.

  And T.J. was laughing.

  “What�
�s so funny? You’d better get me out of here in one piece!”

  He shook his head and splashed her. “I’m kidding. There’s only one snapper in here, far as I know, but he’s a big one.”

  She paddled for shore. “That’s supposed to make me feel better?”

  He grabbed her ankle, and she screamed again. Dear God, if a turtle grabbed her toe, she might never recover from the horror.

  “I’m just teasing. There aren’t any snappers in here. I’d have told you before you jumped in if there were.”

  Well, now he was in for it. He’d let go of her ankle but hadn’t moved out of harm’s way, so she kicked a deluge of water in his face, then made a beeline for shore. She sloshed over slippery pebbles to safety, then turned to glare at him, arms crossed over her chest.

  T.J. was still laughing. The arrogant jerk.

  She stalked to the blanket he’d laid out and sat, dripping wet and shivering. “I’ll probably never swim again, thanks to you.”

  He came out of the water and lay on the blanket beside her, one arm over his eyes as he laughed himself silly.

  She curled her arms over her knees. Swimming in the pond had been a stupid idea. Now she and her underwear were soaking wet, with no towels in sight. She glared down at T.J.

  He peeked at her from beneath his arm, then laughed harder. Her lips twitched. This was not funny. She sighed, which turned into a giggle. Then she flopped down next to him and laughed until her sides hurt and her eyes watered.

  The sun was warm on her skin. She lay next to T.J. and watched it slant through the branches of the trees across the pond, beginning its afternoon descent. Her energy went with it. It had been a hell of a day. A hell of a last two days.

  “Amber should have had her surgery by now,” she said. “I forgot to call.”

  “I talked to David earlier. He said Amber’s surgery went well. She’ll be ready to come home tomorrow.”

  “That’s awesome news.” She huffed out a sigh of relief, semi-angry at herself for having all but forgotten about the poor dog in the rest of the day’s drama.

  “It is,” T.J. agreed.

  Exhausted, she rolled to her side, rested her arm across his stomach, and closed her eyes.

  She woke to the sound of a horse snorting, followed by a splash. She opened her eyes to see T.J. asleep beside her, flat on his back, her arm still draped over his abs. In front of them, Tango stood in the water, splashing around like a child in a wading pool.

  She felt unburdened by the fact that T.J. knew about Tyler, grateful to him for bringing her here and helping to lift her spirits. He knew more about her than any man ever had. They might bicker constantly and never agree on dogs in the house, but when it came right down to it, he was a hell of a guy.

  After today, she’d never forget that.

  She watched him as he slept, the steady rise and fall of his chest, the strong, angular square of his jaw. The afternoon sun cast an orange glow and deep shadows over his profile, illuminating a funny set of lines on his throat.

  They almost looked like teeth marks.

  She leaned closer. Scars. His throat was mottled with scars, so smooth and faded they were almost invisible. Holy shit.

  He peeked at her through one half-opened eye, then tugged her on top of him.

  She sat up, straddling him. “Your turn to spill your deepest, darkest secrets.”

  One corner of his mouth quirked. “I’m fresh out of secrets.”

  “Tell me about the scars on your neck.” She reached down and traced a finger over them.

  He flinched. “You won’t like it.”

  “Try me.”

  “I was working late on the farm one night, on my way in from fixing a busted fence post in the back pasture.”

  “At your place?” she asked.

  “My parents’. I was eighteen, in college. Couple of stray dogs came out of the woods. They were stalking one of the new foals. I tried to shoo them off, and they turned on me, had me on the ground before I knew what was happening, damn near ripped my throat out.”

  She sucked in a breath. “Oh, my God. How did you stop them?”

  “I didn’t. My dad saw it happening and came running with his shotgun. He fired a shot, and they took off.” He held her gaze, his dark eyes steady.

  “I’m sorry that happened to you, T.J. You’re lucky you survived.”

  “Don’t I know it.” His brow creased. “You’re not going to tell me I shouldn’t have waved my arms around in their faces, that I was asking for trouble?”

  She smacked him on the shoulder. “Stop it.”

  This story made his jumping between her and that dog at the vet’s office the day they met all the more brave. No wonder he was afraid of dogs, especially strays.

  She bent her head and kissed his throat. “I hate that you had to go through that and what it did to your opinion of the canine species.”

  “I don’t hate dogs.”

  “They scare you.”

  He frowned. “I’m not afraid of them. I just don’t trust them.”

  She lifted her head to meet his eyes with a smile. “Oh, honey, I’ve been onto your secret for a while now. I just didn’t know why you were afraid. Now I do.”

  He scowled at her. “Seriously, I am not afraid of dogs.”

  “It’s okay, you’re still my favorite big, strong, badass cowboy.”

  “You’re being ridiculous.”

  She shook her head. He’d grown hard beneath her as she straddled him, which was highly distracting. “No I’m not, but I’m determined to get you past it before the end of camp.”

  His scowl deepened. “Will you stop with this end of camp crap?”

  Ah, arguing again. What they did best. To hell with it. She bent her head and kissed him to shut him up. Igniting chemistry straight out of the stratosphere? Yeah, they did that even better.

  Within minutes, he was fumbling for his jeans. He sheathed himself in a condom and took her out of her mind right there on a blanket by the pond for the world to see. Or at least, his horse.

  When they’d finished, lying in each other’s arms sated and breathless, she looked into his eyes. He’d been honest with her, now she owed him the rest of the truth. “About this morning…”

  He rolled toward her, his eyes warm and earnest. “If you got pregnant, I wouldn’t be sorry.”

  Her heart thumped painfully. Jesus, he blew her mind. “Well, I would. But that’s what I wanted to tell you. I… when I got pregnant with Tyler, I was on the pill.”

  He stared at her for a beat of silence. “Then I mean what I just said even more.”

  “Stop it.” She put a hand on his chest. “Look, I panicked, but I’ve had a chance to think about it now. I was a teenager when I got pregnant, an irresponsible kid in nursing school who probably—definitely—was no good at remembering to take the pill on time, or even every day.”

  “Okay,” he said.

  “But I’m responsible about it now, and I’m supposed to get my period in a few days anyway, so we shouldn’t have anything to worry about.”

  And damn him, he almost looked disappointed.

  Feeling all kinds of weird things she did not want to be feeling, she stood up and started rummaging for her clothes. He followed suit, then went to get Tango tacked up and ready for the ride home.

  It was past lunchtime, and she’d barely eaten today. Her stomach felt like it might start clawing its way out of her if she didn’t put something in it soon. “I need to get home and check on the dogs, but do you want to get something to eat after?”

  He gave her a look heavy with things unspoken, so heavy that she had to look away. “Sure. Amy’s working at Finnegan’s tonight. Maybe we could stop by and see if she’s been able to get anything out of Noah about the accident yesterday.”

  “Perfect.” She rolled up the blanket and tucked it into Tango’s saddlebag.

  “Still up for those fireworks tonight?”

  Fireworks? They were going off in her chest righ
t now just looking at him. “Okay. And maybe we could check on Amber too.”

  T.J. nodded.

  “I’m glad her surgery went well.” She sighed. “Now if only I had the money to pay for it.”

  “Oh, I’m sure David would work out a payment plan for you.”

  She gave a sarcastic laugh. “Are you kidding? He’s had me on a payment plan for years. Problem is, I seem to have maxed out my revolving credit line.”

  “Ah.” He gave her a searching look. “How about I cover it and call it the rest of my donation for camp?”

  She stared right back. “That’s a lot more than you owe me.”

  “Yeah well, she’s living in my house, and my nephew is the one who ran her into a car.”

  “I never say no if someone wants to help out the rescue, but it’s going to be a pretty hefty vet bill. You sure?”

  “Positive.”

  “Thank you.” They were still staring at each other, and the air between them buzzed with all kinds of uncomfortable things.

  “So let’s go see if we can find out what happened to her then.”

  “Okay.” She walked to Tango and let T.J. boost her onto his back.

  She’d found her balance on the horse. Now it was the man himself who’d knocked her off kilter. She was awfully afraid she was going to fall, and not from Tango.

  CHAPTER NINETEEN

  Sunday morning dawned early. Way too early. Merry rolled over and slapped the alarm, then smashed her face into the pillow. A variety of feet promptly landed on her back. Wet noses pushed into her hair and quickly became tangled.

  “Ugh, puppies.” She slid out of bed to escape them. Seriously, who had that much energy at five o’clock in the morning?

  She’d sent T.J. home under the guise of a good night’s sleep, but she’d also needed space to regain her footing. Lying on a blanket with him last night watching fireworks burst and pop above them, she’d felt a little too cozy, a little too comfortable.

  A little too much like she didn’t want this to end.

  He’d be at church this morning with his family. The thought made her feel all warm and tingly. Probably just because she knew what he looked like in his Sunday best, and good gracious he was hot.