Fakespeare--Something Stinks in Hamlet

by M. E. Castle

  “Silence!” Claudius said. “My point is, I will do whatever I like with you. Whether or not it makes sense. I bid you all good night!”

  With that, he spun around and walked away with his guards, Hamlet, Kyle’s baby brother, and any hope Kyle had of ever getting home.

  CHAPTER THIRTEEN

  THE SKULL AND CROSSBONES ISN’T A GOOD SIGN, EITHER

  “How could you just let him take Gabe like that?!” Halley said.

  “Instead of doing what?” Kyle said. “Fighting three armed guards? I’d be vulture breakfast on the castle walls tomorrow. I didn’t see you jumping them, either!”

  “True,” she said. “But you got us into this mess in the first place.”

  “How many times do we have to argue about that?” Kyle said, kicking a rock into the pit. It made a dull thump-thump as it fell to the bottom. “I didn’t order that book. It just came. It’s that Narrator person’s fault we’re here. What kind of guy is this, anyway? Who would spend their time tricking kids into horrible, awful-smelling castles full of skulls and evil kings?”

  And snakes. Don’t forget the snakes.

  “Gaahh!” Kyle shouted, grabbing a handful of leaves and hurling them into the air.

  “And why us?” Halley said. “Other than my appreciation for Shakespeare and general intellect, of course.”

  Kyle wanted to say something about all the good her general intellect had done, but he let it drop. He was too tired to keep fighting Halley when there was an evil king to deal with. He had to get his baby brother back. What would Cal Worthy do in this situation?

  Something I can’t do, he thought angrily. That’s why Becca and I created Mal and Cal Worthy in the first place. It’s why I’m real and they’re not.

  “I can’t let him send Hamlet away,” Ophelia said fervently.

  Kyle jumped. He’d been so lost in his own thoughts, he’d almost forgotten she was there.

  “He’s the rightful king,” Ophelia went on. “He’s the only symbol of hope we have left.”

  “Then I guess we’d better go save him,” Halley said.

  Ophelia nodded, pulling her hood back up. Out of the moonlight, her face disappeared into shadow.

  “I can help you,” Ophelia said. “After all, I accidentally led Claudius here. This is all as much my fault as anyone’s.”

  “What do we do?” Kyle said, rubbing his arms. It was starting to get cold.

  “There are secret passages in the castle,” Ophelia said. “We can get around without being seen.”

  “Okay,” Halley said. “Lead on.”

  They walked back to the castle in silence and tiptoed across the lowered drawbridge. They snuck along the wall and entered through the side door Hamlet had taken them out through earlier.

  Ophelia looked left and right down the dark corridor before pushing a stone in the opposite wall. A door swung open just enough for them to duck through.

  “I haven’t used these in a while,” she said. “But Hamlet’s chambers should be this way.…”

  The secret passage went up, leveled out, and hit an intersection. Ophelia took them down the left fork.

  “Why are these here, anyway?” Kyle whispered.

  “If an invading force takes over the castle, we can hide and move around secretly to try and take it back,” Ophelia explained, the hood still hiding her face.

  They kept going in silence. The secret corridors were lit only by tiny bits of light that came through small gaps. Kyle kept bumping his head on stones that stuck unevenly down from the ceiling. Most grown-ups would’ve had to crawl.

  “This should let us out right next to Hamlet’s room,” Ophelia said, and slowly pushed another door open.

  “Huh,” Ophelia said as she stepped out.

  “Huh what?” Kyle asked, as they followed. The hall they were in wasn’t much bigger than the secret passage and was only slightly better lit.

  “I must have taken a wrong turn somewhere,” she said. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen this part of the castle before.”

  “Look over there,” Kyle said, pointing to a lonely torch next to an iron door at the end of the little corridor. They walked to it. On the door was an unmistakable symbol: a skull and crossbones.

  Kyle gulped. “I think that’s the symbol for…”

  Looking pale, Halley finished his sentence: “… poison.”

  CHAPTER FOURTEEN

  OKAY, SOMETHING EVIL IS DEFINITELY HAPPENING IN DENMARK!

  Ophelia opened the iron door carefully.

  Inside, a dim lantern was nestled in the corner of a little room—a little room filled with shelves and shelves of flasks, vials, and jars. They had labels like Moat Snakes’ Venom, Redcap Mushroom Serum, Liquid Heart Attack, and Problem-Solving Powder (Just add to any beverage!).

  “Wow,” Kyle said. Or tried to say. His mouth was hanging open, so it was more like “Oahhohhhh.”

  “There’s enough poison to kill every person in Elsinore,” Ophelia gasped. “It must belong to Claudius! What’s he doing with all of this?”

  “The question is, what’s he going to do with it?” Kyle asked.

  “And look over there!” Halley pointed to a table covered in skunkblossom and balls of mozzarella cheese that looked like they were older than the castle itself. Even from this distance, Kyle thought its awful stench made Gabe seem like a bundle of flowers wrapped in fresh laundry.

  Gabe.

  Just thinking of his little brother made Kyle’s stomach hurt. He had completely failed as a big brother. Gabe might smell bad, but he was still family … and he’d actually been helpful. If it weren’t for Gabe, they wouldn’t have had the Narrator’s poem or been able to dig the trap in the graveyard so quickly.

  And what had Kyle done? He hadn’t protected his brother, that was what!

  Kyle needed to save Gabe from Claudius, and once he had, he’d make sure the little dude played safely.

  “Now we know who’s been making stink bombs,” Ophelia said grimly. “It wasn’t Hamlet or a ghost. It was Claudius!”

  “You’re right.” Halley nodded. “I think he’s been trying to frame Hamlet the whole time!”

  “We’ve got to rescue Hamlet,” Ophelia said, closing her eyes.

  “And Gabe,” Kyle reminded them.

  They sped through the secret corridors, twisting left and right, then left again, until they reached a small panel. Ophelia pushed the panel open, and they emerged into a large, well-lit hallway decorated with tapestries and velvet couches. Halfway down the hall, an armored guard stood outside a door. He looked very bored.

  “There’s no way we can sneak past him,” Halley whispered.

  “It’s okay,” Ophelia said. “There’s a back entrance. This way.”

  They turned a corner into a hallway that was empty except for one tall cabinet. Ophelia braced her shoulder against it and shoved. It squeaked along the polished floor to reveal a small, dusty door behind it.

  “It’s just an empty cabinet painted to look fancy.” Ophelia pulled a key ring from her belt. “When Claudius took over, I knew it wouldn’t be long before he found a way to get rid of Hamlet. No one pays attention to quiet poets like me, so I’ve been able to prepare.”

  She unlocked the door and led them into a cramped, dark room. Kyle slid the cabinet back in place and closed the door.

  “This is Hamlet’s closet,” Ophelia said.

  “Why aren’t there any clothes in it?” Kyle said.

  “There are,” Ophelia said. “They’re just hard to see. He wears a lot of black. Now hold on and give me a moment to tell him—”

  The doors swung open with a bang!

  “Who’s there? Stand still or I’ll … I’ll stick you!”

  The torchlight blinded Kyle, but as he blinked his eyes, Hamlet’s bedroom came into focus. And so did Hamlet.

  And the trout the prince was holding like a club.

  “It’s us!” Halley shouted.

  “Oh.” Hamlet lowered the fish. “Are
you hungry? I was just about to eat. Might be my last decent meal for a long time.”

  “We’re here to help you,” Halley said.

  “I’m afraid there’s no way to help,” Hamlet said sadly as he waved them into his bedroom. “The world is an unfair place. My uncle stole my kingdom and that’s all there is to it.” He dropped the fish back onto its plate with a sad splat.

  “Claudius took me in front of his council of advisers,” he continued. “I tried to tell them that someone else set off the stink bombs, and not me, but Claudius said I was losing my mind. He said I need to leave for a while to regain my senses, and everyone agreed!”

  His shoulders slumped. “That’s how good he is at this. He’s on the verge of robbing me of my rightful place, of my father’s legacy, of everything I was supposed to be when I grew up. Now I’m even starting to doubt that I can handle the throne.”

  “You can do it,” Kyle said. “We discovered a secret storeroom Claudius has been using. It’s filled with poison and skunkblossom. He’s the one who set off the stink bombs.”

  “Unfortunately,” Ophelia said, lowering her hood at last, “I have no idea where it is. We found it by accident after several wrong turns in the secret passages. I don’t know if I could find it again, even if I looked for days.”

  “I’ve only got until morning,” Hamlet said somberly.

  “At least we can sneak you out of here,” she said.

  “I don’t want to run away,” Hamlet said. “Claudius will just use that as more evidence against me, and then I’ll never be able to come back. It’s so unfair! That’s my throne!”

  “How can we prove to them that you’re not seeing things?” Halley said. She smoothed a wrinkle on the tablecloth as she thought. “Psychology doesn’t even exist yet!”

  Kyle furrowed his forehead and felt two lines appear between his eyebrows. Becca called them his thinking lines. He wished Becca were here now to help him come up with a plan. When they wrote Mal & Cal together, they’d ask each other questions about what they saw in front of them and use the answers to come up with new settings and characters.

  With his heart already sinking, he looked around the room. Ophelia was tapping her chin, while Halley continued to smooth out wrinkles in the tablecloth.

  “Wait a second,” Kyle said. “Hamlet, pick up your plate and glass.”

  “Why?”

  “Just do it!”

  Hamlet shrugged and lifted his dinner and glass off the table. Kyle took the white tablecloth and held it up.

  “There’s another way they’ll believe Hamlet’s not crazy,” he said with a grin. “If they see the ghost themselves!”

  For the first time ever, Halley looked confused. “What? You want to show them the ghost of all dinners past?”

  “No,” Kyle said, waving the tablecloth a little. “I want to show them Hamlet’s ghost. Nobody believes Hamlet, right? We need proof. If we don’t have evidence on hand, we’ll make some.”

  “We’ll defeat Claudius’s lie with our own lie,” Ophelia said with a grin. “I like it.”

  Kyle nodded. “First we get the council on Hamlet’s side. Then we can take them to Claudius’s poison chamber.”

  Halley got a gleam in her eye. Usually when that happened, Kyle would brace himself for a thirty-minute lecture on German grammar or who knows what else, but now he was excited to hear her idea.

  “We can be like the men in the graveyard,” she said. “If we can get a wheelbarrow, two of us can stand in it, one on the other’s shoulders, under the sheet. It’ll look like a ghost is floating through the castle.”

  “I like the way you’re thinking, Pierce-Blossom.” Kyle nodded with approval. “Let me see.… Hamlet, do you have ink and paper?”

  “Paper,” Hamlet said, taking a sheet out from a small desk along with a feather quill, “but like Ophelia said, ink is hard to come by these days.”

  “I have some,” Ophelia said, pulling a small ink pot from a cloak pocket and handing it to Kyle. “Don’t spill any—it cost me my pearl bracelet!”

  Kyle quickly sketched out what he was thinking.

  “I’m impressed, Kyle,” Halley said, looking over his shoulder. “I didn’t realize you could draw! I like your style. Almost reminds me of Ben Templesmith.”

  Kyle’s favorite comic book artist.

  “Thanks,” he said, mystified. “If … if we ever get home, we should talk about artists and comics sometime.” He braced himself in case a time-traveling Kyle from the past appeared and tackled him for suggesting he voluntarily spend time with Halley.

  “Yeah,” she said, nodding, looking surprised herself. “That might be fun.” She picked up Kyle’s drawing and showed it to Hamlet and Ophelia. “So how do we make this happen?”

  Everything came together quickly. Kyle and Halley cut eyeholes in the tablecloth while Ophelia snuck back out of the closet to get a wheelbarrow.

  When she reappeared through the closet a few minutes later with a wheelbarrow just big enough for someone to stand in, she also passed out a small handful of something sticky and green. “Crushed mint leaves,” she explained. “Stuff it in your nostrils so the castle smell doesn’t distract you.”

  They crept back out through the closet. Ophelia helped Halley get onto Hamlet’s shoulders as Kyle held the wheelbarrow steady. Halley unfurled the sheet and draped it over herself and Hamlet, adjusting it until the eyeholes lined up with her eyes.

  Kyle’s first step made him realize his insides were sloshing around. He hadn’t used the bathroom since they’d gotten there. All that moat water and tea he’d had were catching up to him.

  “Hold on, is there a bathroom nearby?” he asked.

  “You want a bath?” Hamlet said. “With all this stink, it’s not like anyone will notice if you need one, anyway.”

  “No, no,” Kyle said. “I have to pee.”

  “Why didn’t you say so?” Ophelia said. “There’s a chamber pot right over there.” She pointed back into Hamlet’s closet.

  “What’s a…,” Kyle said, then saw what she was pointing at. A ceramic thing halfway between a flowerpot and a salad bowl. “That?! That’s my option?”

  He stared at the chamber pot and thought about it. He really had to go, but …

  To pee, he thought. Or not to pee. That is the question.

  “Hey!” Ophelia said, snapping her fingers in Kyle’s face. “Time’s up. We have to go.”

  And so, with a stomach full of dread and an even fuller bladder, Kyle began to push the wheelbarrow to his doom.

  “Hang on,” Kyle whispered. “To my WHAT?”

  Just go with it! Tension makes the story better!

  Kyle’s bladder was now painfully full. There was probably enough water in him to fill the Shadow Sea, a place of jet-black currents and sea monsters that Mal and Cal Worthy fought in issue seven.

  “Fine!” he gasped, hopping. “Just hurry up the narration and get me to the restroom soon, okay?”

  What do you think I’m trying to do? Ahem, where were we … oh, right. Kyle pushed the wheelbarrow toward his doom.

  CHAPTER FIFTEEN

  THE WHEELBARROW OF DOOM!

  With Ophelia leading the way, they got to the throne room much faster than Kyle expected. Only twice did Kyle have to jog the wheelbarrow around a corner to hide from guards. The castle halls were mostly empty.

  “Where is everybody?” Kyle said, breathing heavily. He had never really been into gardening, and it really didn’t help that it felt like Lake Erie was trying to push its way out of him. That, and the adrenaline of terror, were keeping him wide-awake even though he should have been exhausted. It had been a really long day.

  As he moved the wheelbarrow, he focused on the task at hand, trying hard not to think about running faucets, waterfalls, roof gutters in a rainstorm, out-of-control fire hoses.…

  “Thanks for making this easier,” Kyle muttered, sweat beads forming on his forehead.

  This is nothing. You should see what Bec
ca, Sam, and Rufus are facing in Romeo and Juliet’s Verona.

  “What?” Kyle gasped. “Becca is trapped in a bookworld, too?!”

  “Claudius is holding court,” Hamlet whispered from under the tablecloth. Kyle turned his attention back to him. He’d figure out what the Narrator meant later.

  “Everyone important enough to be there is in his throne room,” Hamlet explained. “I mean, my throne room.”

  It was only the second or third time Kyle had heard Hamlet say that he was the real king. He didn’t strike Kyle as somebody who really wanted to rule.… Then again, just because you don’t think you like something doesn’t mean you wouldn’t be mad if someone stole that something away from you. Kyle understood that only too well.

  Gabe was loud, smelly, and annoying—but there were good parts, too. The funny noises he made were actually very inventive, and he had this nice habit of always laughing at Kyle’s jokes. It would be great to get Hamlet his throne, but they had to save Gabe.

  “Stop here,” Ophelia whispered. In front of them was a long balcony overlooking what was clearly the throne room, based on the sounds and the number of voices drifting up.

  “The railing is high enough to hide the wheelbarrow,” Kyle said, nodding. “People will look up and they’ll just see our ghost.”

  “And it’s far enough away that it won’t be obvious it’s two kids under a cloth,” Ophelia said. “Especially with the smoke from the torches drifting up here.”

  “You two ready?” Kyle said, tapping Halley on the back.

  “All set,” she said. Her voice was muffled beneath the tablecloth.

  “Ready when you are,” Hamlet said.

  Kyle looked back at Ophelia, who nodded. He hefted the handles and pushed.

  As he tried to control the wobble of the wheelbarrow, Kyle caught glimpses of the party below through gaps in the railing. Even this late into the evening, lords and ladies frolicked around huge banquet tables in bright-colored clothes. Red-and-white striped dresses, yellow coats with green buttons, hats with ostrich feathers. Some of the men even had striped or polka-dotted tights.