Changing with Families - A Book About Further Education For Being Human

by Richard Bandler

  Verbal communication constitutes only a portion of the complex process of communication which goes on between people. At the same time that people are presenting one another with words and the formal verbal patterns we have identified, they are also holding some portions of their body in a certain posture; they are moving their hands and feet, their arms and legs with smooth or erratic, rhythmic or arhythmic motions; they are speaking with a tone of voice which is melodic, raspy, lilting, or grating; they are speaking at a constant tempo, or speeding up and slowing down; they are moving their eyes in a rapidly shifting scan, or maintaining a fixed stare, with their eyes focused or unfocused; they are altering the rhythm of their breathing, etc. Each of these movements, gestures, tones, etc., are choices which they make, usually at the unconscious level, about the way they present themselves, the way they communicate. Each of these is, in fact, a message about their ongoing experience, about the way they organize their world, of what they are most acutely aware. Just as with the verbal patterns, when each of the patterns, once detected by the therapist, could be used by him for a specific, effective therapeutic intervention, here also, in the case of the messages carried by the person's voice, body movements, etc., the therapist can train himself to identify patterns and to intervene to assist the person to grow and change.

  One of the most useful ways of proceeding in this complex area, in our experience, is for therapists to educate themselves to identify patterns of congruity and incongruity. When a person is communicating congruently, all of the messages which he conveys match — they are consistent, they fit with one another. Incongruent communication is presented to us when the other person sends out messages with his body, with his voice tonality, with the words he uses, which do not match. In order to learn to detect this mishmash and to respond creatively to it, either in therapy or in the day-to-day contact we have with one another, we must have clear, open channels for receiving and organizing all of this information. There is no substitute for the therapist's ability to see, to hear, and to feel. In order to distinguish congruent from incongruent communication, the therapist must clear his input channels. By failing to clear the channels he runs the risk of either being preoccupied and missing the other person's messages or of hallucinating spurious messages instead of being receptive to what's actually being presented. When a therapist fails to clear all of his senses, he usually succeeds only in Mind Reading rather than in identifying and responding creatively to the messages from the person with whom he is working.

  Each of us has a nervous system, a personal history, and a view or model of the world which are unique to us. When we meet another person and communicate carefully, we are sensitive to the other individual in hopes of truly making contact and learning to appreciate his uniqueness, even as we, ourselves, change and grow from our experience of the differences between us. Much of our education is directed toward insuring that the verbal language which we share with other speakers (English, for this book) overlaps enough to enable us to make contact. This gives the people in the same language/ culture group a basis for communication. In the case of the languages of the body, tonality, etc., almost no formal education is given to us; in fact, little is known about these languages. Yet, these non-verbal messages constitute the bulk of the information which is communicated by human beings.

  One of the ways in which each of you can become more sensitive to the variances from person to person in the non-verbal language which carries so much of our communication is to consider the differences in gestural and body language from culture to culture. In some cultures (Italian, for example), holding the hand palm-up at about chin level, extended in front of you, and opening and closing the hand is a way of signaling goodbye, while, in our culture, this gesture means something close to come here. It is also true in our experience that within cultures there are many differences in the meaning of the elements of non-verbal language. The furrowed brow for one person may be a signal of anger and displeasure while, for another person, it may simply signal concentration. Or again, shifting your gaze from the face of the person to whom you're speaking, just after hearing a question and prior to responding, is a signal in the behavior of one person roughly equivalent to Vm uncomfortable and don't want to respond, while, in another person, it is simply a way of cueing himself (specifically, of making a picture which will serve as the basis of the response) to respond appropriately. Translating it into words, it means (approximately), I'm organizing my experience with pictures and will respond in a moment. Each of the body movements, postures, tonalities, etc., which we employ in the non-verbal languages we use to communicate is the result of our own personal history, our own nervous system; few, if any, of these are conscious; few, if any, of these are standardized, either within our culture or across cultures. The point we are making here is that, while the bulk of communication between people is non-verbal, little of it is calibrated, and there is a great deal of room for miscommunication, especially in the Mind-Reading and Complex-Equivalence phenomena we have previously identified.

  One very general overview of the process of communication which we have found useful in organizing our experience is that each communication — composed of the specific body posture, movement, voice tone and tempo, the words, and the sentence syntax — can be understood to be a comment on three areas of the ongoing experience:

  The communicator, Self;

  The person to whom the communication is addressed, the Other; and

  The Context.

  We represent this visually by the symbol:

  We have found it useful to check a person's communication for his ability to be aware of and communicate about each of these dimensions. If, for example, a person is unable, at a given point in time, to be aware of and to represent to himself and to others (communicate) each of these parts of human experience, then this present inability is connected with the difficulties in his life which brought him to us for therapy. Thus, it indicates to us where we may choose to intervene to assist him in developing his ability to experience and make sense out of each of these parts of human experience, thereby creating more choices for himself. Notice that the same modeling processes detailed in the patterns of verbal communication in Level I of this part of the book also occur here at this higher level of patterning. When a family member says to us,

  I'm scared.

  we understand that he has deleted (linguistically) a portion of his experience; specifically, who or what is scaring him. When a family member is unable to be aware of and communicate about his own feelings and thoughts, or his experience of another family member with whom he is communicating, or the context in which the communication takes place, he is deleting (behaviorally) a portion of his experience and also a portion of his potential as a human being. In our experience, the process of restoring this deletion will be a very powerful learning experience for the individual, and it will assist him in having more choices in his life.

  One of us [Virginia Satir] has identified four communication categories or stances which people adopt under stress. Each of these Satir categories is characterized by a particular body posture, set of gestures, accompanying body sensations, and syntax. Each is a caricature:

  (1) Placater

  Words — agree — ("Whatever you want is okay. I am just here to make you happy.")

  Body — placates — ("I am helpless.")

  Insides — ("I feel like a nothing; without him I am dead. I am worthless.")

  The placater always talks in an ingratiating way, trying to please, apologizing, never disagreeing, no matter what. He's a "yes man." He talks as though he could do nothing for himself; he must always get someone to approve of him. You will find later that, if you play this role for even five minutes, you will begin to feel nauseous and want to vomit.

  A big help in doing a good placating job is to think of yourself as really worth nothing. You are lucky just to be allowed to eat. You owe everybody gratitude, and you really are responsible for everything that goes wro
ng. You know you could have stopped the rain if you used your brains, but you don't have any. Naturally, you will agree with any criticism made about you. You are, of course, grateful for the fact that anyone even talks to you, no matter what they say or how they say it. You would not think of asking anything for yourself. After all, who are you to ask? Besides, if you can just be good enough it will come by itself.

  Be the most syrupy, martyrish, bootlicking person you can be. Think of yourself as being physically down on one knee, wobbling a bit, putting out one hand in a begging fashion, and be sure to have your head up so your neck will hurt and your eyes will become strained so, in no time at all, you will begin to get a headache.

  When you talk in this position, your voice will be whiny and squeaky because you keep your body in such a lowered position that you don't have enough air to keep a rich, full voice. You will be saying "yes" to everything, no matter what you feel or think. The placating stance is the body position that matches the placating response.

  (2) Blamer

  Words — disagree — ("You never do anything right. What is the matter with you?")

  Body — blames — ("I am the boss around here.")

  Insides — ("I am lonely and unsuccessful.")

  The blamer is a fault-finder, a dictator, a boss. He acts superior, and he seems to be saying, "If it weren't for you, everything would be all right." The internal feeling is one of tightness in the muscles and in the organs. Meanwhile, the blood pressure is increasing. The voice is hard, tight, and often shrill and loud.

  Good blaming requires you to be as loud and tyrannical as you can. Cut everything and everyone down.

  As a blamer, it would be helpful to think of yourself pointing your finger accusingly

  and to start your sentences with, "You never do this, or you always do that, or why do you always, or why do you never ...," and so on. Don't bother about an answer. That is unimportant. The blamer is much more interested in throwing his weight around than really finding out about anything.

  Whether you know it or not, when you are blaming, you are breathing in little, tight spurts, or holding your breath altogether, because your throat muscles are so tight. Have you ever seen a really first-rate blamer, whose eyes were bulging, neck muscles and nostrils standing out, who was getting red and whose voice sounded like someone shoveling coal? Think of yourself standing with one hand on your hip and the other arm extended with your index finger pointed straight out. Your face is screwed up, your lips curled, your nostrils flared as you yell, call names, and criticize everything under the sun.

  (3) Computer

  Words — ultra-reasonable — ("If one were to observe carefully, one might notice the workworn hands of someone present here.")

  Body — computes — ("I'm calm, cool, and collected.")

  Insides — ("I feel vulnerable.")

  The computer is very correct, very reasonable, with no semblance of any feeling showing. He is calm, cool, and collected. He could be compared to an actual computer or a dictionary. The body feels dry, often cool, and disassociated. The voice is a dry monotone, and the words are likely to be abstract.

  When you are a computer, use the longest words possible, even if you aren't sure of their meanings. You will at least sound intelligent. After one paragraph, no one will be listening anyway. To get yourself really in the mood for this role, imagine that your spine is a long, heavy steel rod, reaching from your buttocks to the nape of your neck, and you have a ten-inch-wide iron collar around your neck. Keep everything about yourself as motionless as possible, including your mouth. You will have to try hard to keep your hands from moving, but do it.

  When you are computing, your voice will naturally go dead because you have no feeling from the cranium down. Your mind is bent on being careful not to move, and you are kept busy choosing the right words. After all, you should never make a mistake.

  The sad part of this role is that it seems to represent an ideal goal for many people. "Say the right words; show no feeling; don't react."

  (4) Distracter

  Words — irrelevant — (The words make no sense.)

  Body — Angular and off somewhere else.

  Insides — ("Nobody cares. There is no place for me.")

  Whatever the distracter does or says is irrelevant to what anyone else is saying or doing. He never makes a response to the point. His internal feeling is one of dizziness. The voice can be singsong, often out of tune with the words, and can go up and down without reason because it is focused nowhere.

  When you play the distracting role, it will help you to think of yourself as a kind of lopsided top, constantly spinning, but never knowing where you are going, and not realizing it when you get there. You are too busy moving your mouth, your body, your arms, your legs. Make sure you are never on the point with your words. Ignore everyone's questions; maybe come back with one of your own on a different subject. Take a piece of imaginary lint off someone's garment, untie shoelaces, and so on.

  Think of your body as going off in different directions at once. Put your knees together in an exaggerated, knock-kneed fashion. This will bring your buttocks out and make it easy for you to hunch your shoulders and have your arms and hands going in opposite directions.

  At first, this role seems like a relief, but after a few minutes of play, the terrible loneliness and purposelessness arise. If you can keep yourself moving fast enough, you won't notice it so much.

  As practice for yourself, take the four physical stances I have described, hold them for just sixty seconds and see what happens to you. Since many people are unaccustomed to feeling their body reactions, you may find at first that you are so busy thinking you aren't feeling. Keep at it, and you will begin to have the internal feelings you've experienced so many times before. Then, the moment you are on your own two feet and are freely relaxed and able to move, you find your internal feeling changes.

  It is my hunch that these ways of communicating are learned early in childhood. They represent the best the child can make out of what he sees and hears around him. As the child tries to make his way through the complicated and often-threatening world in which he finds himself, he uses one or another of these means of communicating. After enough use he can no longer distinguish his response from his feeling of worth or his personality.

  Use of any of these four responses forges another ring in an individual's feeling of low self-worth or low pot [see Peoplemaking, by Virginia Satir]. Attitudes prevalent in our society also reinforce these ways of communicating — many of which are learned at our mother's knee.

  "Don't impose; it's selfish to ask for things for yourself," reinforces placating.

  "Don't let anyone put you down; don't be a coward," helps to reinforce blaming.

  "Don't be so serious. Live it up! Who cares?" helps to reinforce distracting.

  "Don't let anyone be smarter than you. Be smarter than everyone around you. Explain everything but don't experience it!" [helps to reinforce computing].

  [Peoplemaking, Virginia Satir, pp. 63-72; Science and Behavior Books, 1972]

  Finally, we would add to Satir's excellent description of each of these communication stances the syntactic correlates which we have found to accompany them:

  Satir Category 1 — Placater

  Use of qualifiers: if, only, just, even, etc. Use of subjunctive mood of verbs: could, would, etc. Mind Reading violations.

  Satir Category 2 — Blamer

  Use of universal quantifiers: all, every, any, each time, etc. Use of negative questions: Why don't you? How come you can't? etc. Cause-Effect violations.

  Satir Category 3 — Computer (super-reasonable)

  Deletion of experiencer noun argumements — the subject of active verbs as in / see — can be seen or the object of verbs wherein the object noun argument is the experiencer as in disturbs me — X is disturbing. Use of nouns without referential indices: it, one, people, etc. Use of nominalizations: frustration, stress, tension, etc.

  Sati
r Category 4 — Distracter

  This category, in our experience, is a rapid alternation of the first three; thus, the syntax which identifies it is a rapid alternation of the syntactic patterns of each of the three listed above. Also, the client displaying this category rarely uses pronouns in his responses which refer to parts of the therapist's sentences and questions.

  (The Structure of Magic, II, John Grinder and Richard Bandler, p. 53; Science and Behavior Books, 1976)

  One way to understand how these postures can be useful in your work is to realize that each of these patterns is useful in coping, given the appropriate context, but that no one of them is complete. Messages about self and context have, for example, been deleted by the placater. Understanding that each of these presents a choice, we, as people-helpers, are able to assist the people with whom we are working to have all of them as alternatives for response. Another way that we have found these Satir categories appropriate to use is that each of the postures represents a universal and frequently occurring pattern of incongruity.

  As therapists committed to the profession of people-helping, we are daily faced with the task of responding to non-verbal languages. The problem with which we are faced, then, is how to understand the intricacies and complexities of the unspoken messages effectively enough to assist the person with whom we are working to change and grow. There are two ways which we have found most effective in coping with this difficulty: First, to simply ask what some particular, repetitive body movement, tonality, etc., is or what it looks like, or sounds like, or feels like to him. Secondly, we have found that very dramatic and effective therapy can be based solely on a judgment of match or mismatch, congruent or incongruent, with respect to the messages which we receive.[16]