False Start

by Rebel Farris

  Relationships for me have to be purely functional. I’ve emotional ones through my family and friends, where I get all the love and support I need. Then there are sexual relationships. Not that I’ve had any of those, but should the situation arise, I’ll just keep the two separate. Life is less messy, less painful when everyone knows their place and what’s expected.

  Maybe I should’ve explained it to him. Nope. Scratch that—it’s a horrible idea. Talking to people about emotional shit has never been my strong suit.

  “God, you’re so weird,” Chloe protests. “It’s not normal for a twenty-seven-year-old woman to give up on romance.”

  Am I talking out loud again?

  “It’s not giving up, Chloe. It’s realistic. My heart was given away a long time ago. Stringing someone along only hurts everyone in the long run, I’ve been there before. Just because I can’t fall in love doesn’t mean I’m heartless and won’t care if I hurt someone.”

  Everyone in the car goes silent. I think that’s the most I’ve ever said to explain my motives to anyone. Even these three, who know me better than anyone.

  “Fuck him, then,” Holly adds eloquently, breaking the silence. “You’re the hottest, most badass bitch I know, and there are plenty of guys out there dyin’ to get in your pants.”

  I laugh. “I don’t know,” I say, picking at a thread that has come loose from my shorts. “I think I just need to focus on work. Nate’s been up my ass to write some new shit. He thinks he can get me to record something now that I started playing again. I don’t know. I don’t want to be in the spotlight again.”

  “I still think that a deep dickin’ is the answer to your problems,” Holly says, smirking. “Maybe Evan can volunteer for that?”

  “Ewwwww… gross,” Evan and I say in unison and then break out into laughter.

  “I can’t believe you just suggested incest as the answer to my problems.”

  “What can I say? It got you to laugh at least.” Holly gives me a sly smile. “Besides, it’s not technically incest.”

  “Close enough!” Evan protests. “The only thing more disgusting would be doing you.”

  “Can’t argue with that,” Holly retorts. “Even though the disgustin’ part of that scenario is definitely you.”

  She smashes me down into Evan’s lap as she punches his shoulder. He grapples with her, and soon I’m caught in what has to look like an alley-cat brawl. Have I mentioned that I love my family? Well, I do. As dysfunctional as we are, there’s nothing but love in this car, and for that I’m thankful.

  Then

  I tried going back to school two weeks after the accident, but I was dead inside. Life became a series of circumstances where I had to choose one evil or the other, and no matter what I chose, it chipped away a little more until I was just a shell of the girl I once was.

  Bury or cremate? Estate sale or donate? Emancipation or foster care?

  Rachel and Portia, Evan and Nic’s moms, held my hand and walked by my side through all of it, yet the choices were ultimately mine. At the age of fifteen, I’d lost my protective bubble of having a parent, and consequently, lost my ability to enjoy what was left of my childhood.

  It pissed me off when kids my age would remark how they envied my newfound independence. I would’ve traded it all back to feel her comforting hug again. To smell her familiar vanilla-and-lavender scent one more time.

  I officially moved in with the Langfords a few days before attempting to go back to school. Gary and Rachel were named guarantors of my life insurance inheritance during the reading of my mom’s will. I’d been staying in Evan’s room while he slept on a cot in their home office, but we finally moved all that office furniture out and my bedroom stuff in.

  I saw Jared at school that day before he noticed me. He was walking down the hall with Nic and Mike from the football team. They were laughing. I felt my heart crush in my chest because he looked happy, and that was the way it was supposed to be. I knew he had bugged Evan about me every day since I last saw him at the funeral, but I told Evan just to tell him that I was all right and to stay away. It would’ve been the most selfish thing in the world to drag him into my fucked-up reality.

  He stopped at his locker to exchange a book when he looked up and caught me staring at him. Sadness instantly transformed his eyes. He grabbed a bouquet of flowers from his locker, said something to the guys, and walked over to me.

  I couldn’t take my eyes off him. I felt something for him that I’d never felt before, but it didn’t alter the reality of my situation.

  He stopped in front of me, flowers in hand. It was a bouquet of red calla lilies. How he knew they were my favorite or that I would be there that day was beyond me. I had a suspicion that a certain boy I was living with had something to do with it.

  “How are you holding up?” he asked, meeting my eyes.

  I shrugged, tired of saying “fine” or “okay” as I had been all day. I tentatively took the proffered flowers from him.

  “Evan said those were your favorite. I picked the color, though. Your room was decorated in red. I figured you’d like it.”

  “They’re beautiful, but you really shouldn’t have.”

  “Maddie—” He took a step forward as if to touch me. I flinched, and he halted, dropping his hand to his side. “You don’t have to go through this alone.”

  “I’m not alone, Jared. I have Rachel, Gary, and Evan. They’re taking good care of me. You shouldn’t waste your time on a girl you barely know. I have to go.”

  I stepped back, looking around to find the nearest escape route. That’s when I noticed everyone in the hallway had stopped and was staring at us. My stomach heaved violently, and I had just enough time to dive to a nearby trash can. I puked my entire lunch and then some. When the spasms in my stomach subsided, I realized that Jared had my hair in one hand and was rubbing soothing circles on my back with the other. How mortifying. I pushed him away and ran toward the exit as he called after me.

  I burst through the doors, my eyes glued to the ground. My breathing was labored as I sprinted down the hall. I looked up just before I crashed into a solid body so hard that we both fell backward on to the ground. Papers fluttered through the air above my head. My nose burned and ached from the impact. I scrambled to my feet and began gathering up the papers I’d stupidly knocked out of the other person’s hands.

  “I’m—I’m so sorry,” I pleaded, the taste of vomit still on my tongue, making my voice thick.

  Blake Johnson looked back at me, readjusting his askew glasses and rubbing a hand over his chest. His chest must’ve been what damaged my nose.

  “It’s okay, Maddie,” Blake said as he moved to his knees. “I got this.”

  “No, I need to help. This’s my fault.” Tears welled up in my eyes.

  “Well—” He offered me a warm smile. “If you’re going to help, can you try getting them in order? I have to turn this paper in. It was due last week, but I had to make a trip to get it from my car.”

  I relaxed a little. He wasn’t offering condolences or treating me like I was fragile. Blake was a good guy, same age as Evan and Nic. A lot of kids at school thought he was weird. He never really talked to anyone. Spent most of his time hanging out in the computer lab. We had a lot of classes together because we both took the advanced and accelerated courses that most kids our age didn’t. He was always friendly and pleasant when I would ask him a question in class.

  “Yeah, sorry,” I said and began shuffling through the papers, looking for the page numbers. “I’m missing one through three and page six.”

  “I’ve got them.” He held out his hand, and I placed the papers in it. He handed me my bouquet of flowers. “How’re you doing?”

  “Huh?” I looked up to see concern written all over his face. “Oh, not good. Obviously, I’m a mess. I’m sorry—” Tears threatened to burst forth. “I need to go. I’m sorry again for running into you. Hope you do well with that p
aper.”

  I started to walk past him. He placed a hand on my elbow, halting me.

  “I’m sorry, Maddie—” His eyes pleaded with me.

  “It wasn’t your fault.” I tilted my head. Why was he apologizing for me running into him? “You were just in the wrong place at the wrong time.” I offered him a half-hearted smile.

  “Yeah, but—”

  “It’s okay, really. I gotta go. Take care, Blake.” I pulled my arm from his grip and headed to the parking lot.

  It was the last week of winter break. It had been four months since I last saw or even spoke to Jared. I transferred to the online public school option the state of Texas provided. I’d finally decided to return to school to finish up the year. In those four months, I hadn’t left the apartment. I was hiding, and it made me feel weak. I didn’t like considering myself weak. There was just one thing left holding me back. I was determined to leap that hurdle, no matter how painful it would be.

  Evan told me frequently that Jared never stopped asking about me. He hadn’t dated anyone else. Hadn’t so much as looked at another girl. That last bit was probably a lie, but it gave me the warm fuzzies before guilt swept through me. He frequently called for the first month but gave up when I consistently refused to take his calls.

  I stared at the clock above the TV. “You sure you told him to be here at four thirty?” I asked Evan, who was sitting next to me on the couch enthralled in a Dukes of Hazzard rerun.

  Evan looked at the clock and waved a dismissive hand at me. “Yes, and he still has ten more minutes to be on time. Relax, the guy was practically clicking his heels at the mention of you wanting to see him.” He snorted a laugh. “Not that he’ll be that excited when he finds out why you asked him to come over.”

  The only reason guilt hadn’t eaten away at what was left of me was because I pushed it down, refusing to face reality. This conversation was seriously long overdue. I’d run out of excuses that seemed even remotely acceptable to continue putting it off any longer. I wrung my hands, staring at the TV but not seeing it.

  Several minutes later, Rachel popped out of the kitchen. “Can I get you anything before we go, Maddie?” she asked. A mask of worry marred her beautiful features.

  I just shook my head as nerves burrowed even deeper.

  “You’ll be fine, sweetie. Jared’s a sweet boy.” She smiled and hugged me, kissing my forehead before grabbing her purse and walking out the door.

  Gary, Evan’s dad, followed her path silently. Gary was an older, graying version of Evan, but still quite handsome. He gave me a smile that didn’t reach his eyes before he kissed my forehead.

  “You’ll be fine. We won’t be more than five minutes away, and Evan's staying here, just in case,” he said before he turned to follow Rachel out the door.

  At four thirty on the dot, there was a knock at the door. Evan hopped up to get it.

  “There’s my cue,” he said before opening the door, letting Jared in.

  My breath caught in my throat. Jared was more beautiful than I remembered. His inky-black hair was slightly longer than before, giving him a shaggy bed-head look. It definitely worked for him. He had on well-worn dark blue jeans, a blue-and-black flannel shirt over a plain gray tee, and Doc Martens boots. There were dark circles under his eyes. He looked tired, but there was a glimmer in his eyes as they moved to me. We stared at each other without speaking for God knows how long. Evan coughed loudly.

  “I’m going to be in my room,” Evan said, jamming his thumb in the air over his shoulder. “Holler if you need me.” He turned and left us alone.

  “Hey,” I said timidly, offering a lame wave as greeting. I didn’t move from the couch.

  “Hi,” he responded. He took a step forward. Then his conflicted thoughts were running across his face, plain as day.

  I knew I couldn’t delay any longer. I took the chickenshit way out, again. I stood up. Jared froze, his eyes widening as they dropped to my middle.

  “How far along?” he asked waving his hand toward my slightly protruding belly.

  “Four months,” I tried to say, but my voice gave out. It rasped as a coarse whisper. He looked to be thinking heavily, so I assumed he heard me.

  “Is it mine?” he asked. He wasn’t freaking out yet, so I relaxed a little.

  “Yes. I’m sorry. I’ve only ever had sex that one night with you. The doctors say that my birth control just failed. I’m not asking anything from you. I’ve the life insurance money from my mom. It’s enough. I just thought you should hear it from me that they’re yours before you hear it from anyone else.”

  A slow, shaky grin spread across his face. “They?” he asked.

  “Yep, twins. Guess you should’ve thought twice about having sex with the unluckiest girl on the planet.”

  He stared for a moment and then made a face at me. “This isn’t unlucky,” he said, his voice stern. “I’m not going to lie. It’s scary as shit, but it’s not a bad thing.” He blew out a breath as he ran his hand through his hair.

  “May I?” He held a hand toward my belly.

  I nodded my consent. I couldn’t breathe, much less talk. This wasn’t how I expected this to go. I was prepared for him to be angry, yell at me, or something.

  He fell to his knees and ran his trembling hands over my belly before laying a kiss on my belly button. Then he looked up at me with those breathtaking eyes that were full of tears but looked so incredibly happy.

  Tears ran freely down my face. For the first time in a long time, I had hope.

  Then

  It was a quarter ’til midnight, and the ballroom was already clearing out. I was sitting at a table at our senior prom with Evan’s girlfriend, Stacey, and Nic’s date, Robin. Jared and Evan were laughing, rough-housing as they stumbled over to us.

  “Where’ve you boys been?” I asked.

  “Nowhere,” Evan answered quickly. He wasn’t looking at me when he answered. That meant he was hiding something.

  “Is it cold there?”

  “Huh?” Evan now looked to me, perplexed, as he pulled Stacey from her chair, sat, and pulled her into his lap.

  “I wasn’t aware that nowhere was a place.” I shrugged. “But since you’ve been there, you can tell me all about it.” I smirked as I placed my elbow on the table, my chin in my hand, pretending to be enraptured by the prospect of his discovery.

  “Uh… whatever,” Evan said. “Don’t forget I can still hold you down and fart in your face.”

  “Oh, my. How sexy is that?” I deadpanned. “I can see now why you’re with him, Stace.” Though the thought of the last time he did that sent a wave of nausea over me.

  Jared knelt by my chair and smoothed a hand over my eight-month belly. He grinned up at me, his eyes laughing, before he sat in the seat my bare feet occupied, moving them to his lap. He went to work kneading my swollen appendages. I let my head fall back and moaned from the pleasure of it.

  “You guys need to get a room before Preggers, here, has an orgasm from whatever the fuck you’re doing to her feet,” Nic said as he sauntered to our table.

  “You ready to go?” Jared asked softly.

  I nodded. Jared placed my shoes back on my feet, then helped peel me out of the chair. He grabbed my hand as I admired the red calla lily on the wrist corsage he’d given me earlier that night.

  I looked around one last time, catching sight of a guy standing in a darkened corner. I couldn’t discern his features. He wasn’t wearing a tux or a suit as most of the guys were, just a button-down and slacks. Even more curious, he seemed to be staring at me. I looked down to my corsage again, feeling uncomfortable as Jared tugged me from the room. I couldn’t say I ever got used to the lingering looks people gave me due to my condition.

  Evan was following us, but I wasn’t sure how he managed that feat since he never once came up for air while sucking face with Stacey.

  I looked to Jared in confusion when I realized we weren’t head
ing to the parking lot. He smiled mischievously in reply and pushed me into an open elevator, backing me against the far wall as his lips descended on mine. This wasn’t one of our chaste kisses; it had fire. A resulting heat started deep in my belly. I was vaguely aware of Evan in the background, saying something about taking the next one, but he wasn’t really the object of my attention.

  When the short elevator ride was over, he led me out to the hallway. At the end, a sign posted next to the door read Honeymoon Suite. My eyes widened, but I kept quiet. Part of me was thrilled as much as the rest of me was wary.

  It had been a little over four months since I told him about the twins. Four months of chaste kisses and hand holding. Four months of study dates, movie dates, and dinner dates. Jared had wanted to put on the brakes and really slow things down, get to know each other. Properly date me before we took it to the next level, or back to the next level.

  I didn’t mind it, but I didn’t feel it was necessary either. I was all-in with him. He was supportive and sweet. He took care of me, attended all the doctor appointments, and genuinely seemed to be excited about being a teenage dad. It was kind of mind-blowing. I trusted him from the moment he didn’t freak out about the babies. He wasn’t out to hurt me.

  The music wasn’t bad either. He played for me and the babies often. That was when he spoke to my soul and made every bit of stress just melt away.

  Was he trying to give me the traditional prom night package deal? I kicked that thought to the curb when I realized I didn’t care. I was horny as hell and only had eyes for him.

  He opened the door. Stepping back, he urged me forward with a hand on the small of my back. A trail of rose petals led down a short hallway into the bedroom. I followed it, expecting it to end at the bed, but instead it curved around the corner. Rose petals were scattered atop the bed, but curiosity had me pursuing the trail.