Abiding Love: Banished Saga, Book Eight

by Flightner, Ramona

  “You can’t know about war until you are there,” Jeremy ground out, his fingers digging into his scalp. “And it will never leave him if he survives.”

  “Look at me, Jer,” Gabriel commanded in a deep voice. He waited until his youngest brother met his gaze. Echoes of horror and regret mingled together there, and Gabriel clenched his jaw. “I would carry this burden for you if I could.” His eyes shone with impotent fury at his inability to ease his brother’s torment. “When Nicholas does return—and we must always have faith he returns to us—then you will be here to help him through that transition.”

  Jeremy scoffed as he dropped his head onto his desk with a thud. He spoke, as if to the desk. “Look at me. It’s seventeen years later, and I’m still battling what happened.” He jumped as his brother gripped his shoulder in an effort to offer some sort of comfort. “I still see their faces, their eyes as they realize they are going to die. That I would be the man who killed them.” Jeremy closed his eyes and tapped his head against the desk a few times.

  Gabriel pushed at him until his baby brother sat up. Gabe crouched, holding Jeremy by his nape. “You are brave and honorable. I know you did things you are ashamed of. But I am proud of you. And forever grateful you survived.” He waited until Jeremy closed his eyes in understanding.

  “Forgive me, Gabe. I can usually fight away these memories.” He swiped a hand over his face. “I hate that I might have scared Melly.”

  “Your daughter is tougher than you give her credit for. She’s worried about you.” Gabriel looked around the room and then overhead, as though listening for footsteps on the second floor. “Where’s Sav? Why isn’t she here to comfort you?”

  Jeremy shrugged. “We’re having difficulties. Lately she doesn’t want to spend much time with me. She even insisted on traveling to Butte to visit Lucas without me.”

  Gabriel frowned. “She should be here. She should know what you are suffering.”

  “She doesn’t much care for me at the moment. I doubt she’d be bothered by my suffering.” He let out a deep breath. “Our marriage has been in turmoil for months. I don’t know what to do.”

  Gabriel’s brows furrowed in confusion. “Go to her tonight. Tell her that you need her. That you need her strength.” His eyes gleamed with memories. “For we need our wives just as much as they need us, Jer.”

  “She won’t let me touch her.” He frowned as the words burst forth. “She’s moved to another bedroom. Doesn’t want me anywhere near her.”

  “That’s not like Savannah. She’s always sought you out for comfort. Even after the cruelty she experienced from that bastard Jonas, she knew she could trust you.” Gabriel frowned as he attempted to make sense of the nonsensical.

  Jeremy sniffled. “I will be fine, Gabe.”

  Gabriel turned and left the library. After a moment he returned, carrying a rag, a dustpan and a broom. He swept up the broken glass and then wiped the area dry of whiskey. “You’ll still want to wash it in the morning to clear out the smell.” He turned to look at his brother, sitting in a dazed stupor behind his desk. “You will be fine, Jeremy. I know that because you are strong. But you would be better, with less anguish, were you to have her support.” His eyes gleamed. “I find everything is better with Clarissa by my side.”

  Jeremy nodded. “Someday, brother. Someday.” He rose and attempted a smile. “You should return home. And I will attempt to speak with Savannah.”

  Gabriel pulled Jeremy in for a fierce embrace before slipping out the office door. The front door clicked behind him. Rather than go upstairs, Jeremy sat again, his memories his companion for the night.

  * * *

  Amelia stood beside Nicholas on the cold, dreary morning as they waited for the train to arrive that would take him to Butte. He joined a group of other men awaiting the train that would travel across the state, picking up recruits as it made its way east. She ignored the other farewells occurring around them on the platform and focused on her son. They stood alone, a small island of misery, as a light drizzle fell. Amelia had declined Gabriel’s and Clarissa’s offer to join her at the station, wanting to have a last moment with Nicholas without worrying about anyone else.

  “I will be careful, Mother. As careful as a soldier can be,” Nicholas said. He saw other young men who would travel with him, their smiles and jovial attitudes bolstering his spirit. “How can such fine young men fail?”

  “Oh, Nicholas,” Amelia whispered as she pulled him close.

  “Don’t drown the young man,” a man with a deep voice said behind her, and she spun to face the worried, supportive gaze of her husband. He stood tall, his lanky frame clothed in a chestnut-brown suit and his reddish hair windblown. He held his hat in one hand.

  “Sebastian! What are you doing here?”

  “I found myself unwilling to miss Nicholas’s goodbye at the train station. I will miss you, son,” he said as he held out his hand to Nicholas. After a short handshake, he pulled Nicholas into his strong, lean arms and gave him a few pats on his back. “Write often, or your mother will fret.” He failed to hide the worry in his gaze. “As will I.”

  “Are my siblings with you?” Nicholas asked as he looked over his stepfather’s shoulders. Sebastian had been as a father to him since Nicholas was a boy and had always treated him as a son, even after Sebastian and Amelia had children of their own.

  “No, they are in Darby. Anne is nearly old enough to tend them all, and old Mrs. McVeigh was eager to help us.” He rubbed at his dirty face. “I borrowed an automobile and drove a good portion of the night to ensure I would arrive here in time.”

  Amelia gripped his arm and leaned into his side. She fought a shudder as she saw the young men lining up as a plume of steam approached, heralding the arrival of the special train for the troops. “You have Araminta’s food, and you will visit Lucas and Patrick if you have time?”

  “Of course, Mother, but I doubt we will spend any time in Butte. I’m not going on holiday.” He pulled her close one last time before picking up his rucksack and joining the line of men to board the train. He gave his name to a man with a clipboard and listened as the men around him laughed and joked.

  Amelia sagged into Sebastian’s side. “I don’t know what I would have done had you not arrived,” she whispered.

  He kissed her head and watched as Nicholas gripped the grab bar to board the train. He waved as Nicholas paused a moment to look back one last time. “Our boy is brave. He’s smart. He’ll return to us, Amelia.”

  The train heaved into motion, a multitude of arms sticking out windows to wave and a cacophony of voices yelling as they were slowly propelled from view. When the last of the steam plume had faded in the distant canyon, Amelia turned into Sebastian’s arms and sobbed.

  “Shh, … love. My darling. He will be all right.” He held her close as she cried. He curled over her as though to absorb some of her grief.

  “You can’t know that,” she stammered. “Every mother is telling herself the same thing, but, for some of us, we’ll never see our boys again.”

  “I know that is true. But you must believe he will come home.” He rubbed tears away from her cheeks, unable to hide the sadness in his gaze.

  “Thank you,” she whispered, leaning on her toes to give him a fleeting kiss. “Thank you for knowing I would need you here. For loving him as though he were your own.” A tear slid down her cheek. “For ignoring my false pride that I didn’t need you.” She watched as a flash of pain lit his gaze. “I’m sorry.”

  “I know you feel as though you are losing a part of Liam again. I would do anything to protect you from such pain, Amelia,” he whispered as he kissed her brow. “But I can’t.”

  She nodded and sniffled as a few more tears escaped. “I … Will you forgive me, Sebastian?” She gripped his hand and held it to her chest. “I know how much you love Nicholas and Anne.”

  He cupped her cheek with one palm, looking deep into her hazel eyes. “They are mine as much as the others. I
cherish them as I cherish you.” He took a deep breath. “Please don’t hurt me like that again.”

  “I won’t,” she vowed. “I promise.” She kissed his palms. “Your love for them only makes me love you more,” she whispered as she hugged him close for a moment. “Must we return to Darby today?”

  “No, love. We can return tomorrow. Have a mini-honeymoon after so many years. Besides, I’d like to see Gabe and Colin. It’s been too long.”

  She smiled at him. “Good. I miss our children and will be eager to see them tomorrow. But I want time with you, Sebastian.” She smiled as he held her close. “It’s been too long since we’ve had time for just the two of us.”

  * * *

  Sebastian sat on Colin’s porch and relaxed into the comfortable rocking chair Gabriel had built. The rain had lifted, and now bright sunlight warmed the late afternoon. Everything—from the leaves on the trees to the grass to the flowers shooting green stalks out of the ground—sparkled in the bright light with the remaining raindrops. Sebastian smiled as a boy raced away from his mother on the sidewalk and jumped into a puddle, laughing with joy and ignoring his mother’s scold.

  Sebastian focused on the long-legged gait of his friend Gabriel as he walked down the sidewalk and raised his hand in welcome. After clapping him on the back, they settled side by side on Colin’s front porch.

  “I thought Ronan would come with you,” Sebastian said.

  Gabriel shook his head and settled on a chair beside his friend. “He’s not feeling well. The doc says it’s normal for someone who has suffered his type of spinal injury.”

  Sebastian frowned in confusion. “I don’t understand.”

  “I don’t really either, except that his kidneys aren’t working as well as they should.” He frowned with frustration. “He doesn’t have the energy he used to and often leaves work early to head home to sleep. He was out last night and didn’t have the energy for a second night out tonight.”

  Sebastian nodded. “I’ll stop by the workshop before I leave to see him before I head home to Darby.”

  “Where’s Amelia?” Gabriel asked.

  “Resting. Today was one of the worst days of her life, and I doubt she slept much last night.” Sebastian rocked and tapped his fingers on his leg. As a younger man, he had been in constant motion, rocking to and fro with an incessant energy. Now, in his late forties, he had a residual restlessness but was not as fidgety. “I’m glad I trusted my instincts and traveled to Missoula.”

  Gabriel studied his friend and frowned. Sebastian’s hair was disheveled. and he had deep bags under his eyes. “I don’t understand why you didn’t travel with her yesterday rather than through part of the night and this morning.”

  Sebastian leaned forward and rested his elbows on his knees. “You know how much I love Nickie. I’ve never thought of him as anything but mine.” His eyes shone with pain. “Amelia didn’t want me here. Said she wanted time alone with Nickie. That I owed her that because he wasn’t really mine, and she had the right to say goodbye to him the way she never had the ability to say goodbye to her Liam.”

  Gabriel sat back in the chair as though feeling the sucker punch that had been delivered to his friend. “Why would she say that to you?”

  “She’s terrified. I’ve not seen her like this since I was hurt in the fire. When she thought I might die. She hides it well, but the loss of Liam scarred her, and the threat of any further loss is almost more than she can bear.”

  Gabriel frowned and sat in silence with his friend a few moments. “She’s a strong woman. She can handle anything.”

  Sebastian sniffled and shook his head. “She can survive, Gabe. I don’t know if she would truly be the same woman if she loses Nickie.” He shook his head. “I don’t know what would happen to our children.”

  Gabriel cleared his throat. “When grief is shared, it is more bearable.” He let out a long breath. “That doesn’t mean it’s any easier to endure, but the knowledge you aren’t going through it alone …” He let out a shaky breath.

  “I can’t imagine how hard it was for you and Clarissa, losing Rory,” Sebastian whispered.

  Gabriel nodded, and his eyes filled. “Don’t let Amelia freeze you out. It’s an ability we all have in an attempt to forestall any further pain. But, by doing that, we prevent any further joy or true feeling again.”

  Sebastian sat in quiet contemplation for a few moments. He looked out at the street scene as a couple walked by, waving as they passed. Birds chirped in the trees, and a soft breeze blew, sprinkling the remaining raindrops to the ground. “I promised myself I’d never pressure her.”

  “Sometimes we have to break our promises, Seb. When those we love most in this world need us to, we must break our vows.” He leaned forward and rubbed at his head. “I hope to God you and Amelia do not have to suffer the loss of your Nickie. Our Nickie,” he whispered as his voice thickened.

  Sebastian stared at him as Gabriel’s expression became distant. “I always forget you’ve known him longer than I have.”

  Gabriel nodded. “Yes. He was … He helped keep me sane when I was separated from Rissa—when I had little hope of a reconciliation with her while I lived in Butte.” He dropped his head and rubbed at his nape. “I held him in my arms as they held a wake for his father. Nickie’s presence was my greatest consolation.” Gabriel cleared his throat. “I can’t imagine a world where Nickie isn’t in it.” He nodded as Sebastian gripped his shoulder. “We all love your boy, Seb. We must continue to pray he comes home to us.”

  Chapter 7

  Summer weather finally arrived in Missoula a few days after Nicholas left for the War. The mornings remained cool, but the afternoons and evenings were hot. The long evenings where the sun did not set until after nine were ideal for sitting on porches and telling tall tales. This afternoon Jeremy sat in his kitchen, listening as his daughter, Melinda, discussed her day at school. He attempted to appear stern but could not prevent the pride shining in his eyes as he beheld his only child.

  He and Savannah had adopted Melinda when they had moved to Montana in 1903. She had been placed in an orphanage by her mother, Mrs. Smythe, after the death of her husband, Sean Sullivan. Although Jeremy suspected that Clarissa had intended to raise Melinda, as Clarissa was Melinda’s sister, Clarissa had recognized Jeremy’s and Savannah’s love for Melinda and had rejoiced in their forming a family.

  “And then,” Melinda said in the middle of her story about one of the boys in her class, holding up a knife in the midst of chopping carrots, “he had the gall to tell me that I wasn’t fit to attend university.” She slapped the knife’s edge to the cutting board and sliced the carrots into increasingly small pieces.

  “What did you say to that?” He firmed his lips into a grim line, as he knew his daughter took after her mother and sister in her suffragist tendencies.

  “I informed him that I was plenty smart to attend and that, if someone with the size of a baboon’s brain couldn’t see that, it wasn’t my fault.” She slapped the knife down in disgust once more, having finished mangling the carrots.

  Jeremy coughed in an attempt to swallow a laugh. “I’m not certain that sort of language is accepted at school, Melly.”

  “I apologized for insulting the baboon,” she said with a sniff.

  Jeremy gave up and roared with laughter. He held out an arm for his daughter and pulled her into a one-armed embrace as she remained standing while he sat. “What did the teacher say?”

  “Nothing. She seemed relieved it was the last week of school and that she’d soon have a reprieve for a few months.” She leaned her head on his shoulder and sighed. “Why should boys be scared that I have a brain and that I’m not afraid to use it?”

  “Ah, dearest, that’s exactly why they’re terrified. Because you aren’t afraid of using it. And many are aware of, and embarrassed by, the fact that you are so much smarter than they are.”

  Melly tugged out a chair and collapsed onto it, her elbows on the table and her
chin on the palms of her hands. “I like meeting someone smarter than me. Then I can learn. And have a really good discussion.”

  Jeremy ran a hand over her blond curls. “You’re used to a family who discusses and debates constantly. Not every family is like that. You’re also accustomed to people who value a woman’s opinion.”

  “I’d think, after Montana gave women the vote and then voted Jeannette Rankin to Congress, that they’d be a bit more enlightened,” she said with a roll of her eyes.

  Jeremy laughed again at her exasperation. “At least you know the majority are,” he teased. He rose, holding a hand out for her as he moved to help her with the meal. “Come. What is it you are attempting to make for supper? I’d like to help.”

  Melinda gave an exaggerated sigh. “It’s Meatless Tuesday, so I’m trying to make a vegetable soup. However, most of the vegetables at the grocers were picked over and looked like they were from last year’s crop.” She held up a desiccated potato. “How is this appetizing?”

  Jeremy chuckled and hugged her. “If we add enough of them all together, it won’t be so bad.” He pulled out a knife and a board, and aided her in chopping the remaining vegetables. “I haven’t seen your mother today. How is she?”

  Melinda shrugged. “Much the same as she usually is lately.”

  Jeremy frowned at his daughter’s vague response and the thinly veiled criticism held within. “Well, I know she’ll be delighted with your culinary expertise,” Jeremy said with a broad smile to Melinda. When they’d put the pot on the stove to simmer for a few hours, he followed her to his study, where she sat at his desk to work on her homework, and he sat in a comfortable chair to read letters and the evening newspaper.