Before I Knew (The Cabots #1)

by Jamie Beck

  “If you all enjoy it, you could lobby to hold the firm’s annual holiday dinner here in December.” She remembered being a first-year associate at that dinner years ago.

  “I love you in a dark suit.” She laughed as Mark twirled her around the dance floor to the band’s rendition of “I Could Write a Book.” All around them, her colleagues were dining and drinking in the ballroom decorated with twinkling light-strewn garland.

  “I love you . . . period.” He pulled her close, bussing a quick kiss on her lips. “Next year will be so much better, I swear. I don’t want to lose you, Colby.”

  They’d been frightened by his behavior and diagnosis, but with treatment, he’d been doing better. “You’ll never lose me. We’re in this together, and together we can conquer anything.”

  He’d been so dashing and happy. It had made it easy to pretend they weren’t hiding the truth from the world or from themselves.

  “Impressing a roomful of lawyers and rich clients could be very good for business.” Todd winked before stuffing the paperwork back in his briefcase, and she was glad to see that her putting him off hadn’t made things between them awkward.

  “Let me walk you out.” She followed him into the dining room, where they ran into Alec, who’d just blown through the kitchen doors like the Tasmanian Devil. Now what?

  He stabbed one hand through his hair before he saw them. “Sorry.”

  Colby’s body heated from a mix of irritation and embarrassment as she watched Alec open and close his fists.

  She turned her face away from Todd. Shooting Alec a warning with a look, she then spoke through a forced smile and clenched teeth. “Alec, this is my former colleague Todd Martin. He’ll be here for the soft opening.”

  Alec stepped toward them and shook Todd’s hand. “Nice to meet you.”

  Funny how she used to consider Alec a little geeky, but next to Todd he appeared vital and intense. Determined. And, despite better judgment—or rather, because of her lack of judgment—sexy.

  “This is our executive chef, Alec Morgan.” Colby’s phony smile faltered thanks to her screwed-up thoughts.

  “Alec.” Todd returned the firm handshake with a pleasant grin. A puppy compared with Alec’s pit bull presence. He pushed his glasses farther up the bridge of his nose. “I’m looking forward to being your guinea pig.”

  Alec rocked back slightly on his heels and nodded. “I’ll aim to make it memorable.”

  “For Colby’s sake, I hope you succeed.” Todd brushed his hand along her shoulder but didn’t let it linger. Still, Colby noticed Alec’s gaze home in on Todd’s gesture.

  “Todd is on his way out, so we’ll leave you to whatever it is you rushed out here to do.” Colby nodded and led Todd away from Alec, who stood there blinking.

  As they approached the door, Todd said, “Think about dinner, okay? Anytime, anyplace. I’ll even do Thai.”

  “You hate Thai.”

  “But you like it.” He grasped her hand and squeezed it. “At the very least, we’d have a pleasant night out, Colby. How long has it been since you’ve had one of those?”

  Very recently. With Alec. The night she’d been bracing for a fight but instead had been treated to a delicious meal. Not that she, his boss, should entertain thoughts in his direction. His family would never look at her without thinking of Joe’s death. Most important, she shouldn’t invite another man into her personal life who could change so suddenly and violently, no matter how oddly mesmerizing he looked when brimming with emotion.

  If she were to date again, she’d have to choose someone with less baggage. Was that so much to ask? “Let me think about it.”

  Deep down she knew a fresh start meant more than a new career. It meant taking chances again. Calculated chances. Todd might not rock her world, but he wouldn’t blow it up, either. They were true friends with similar interests, and that was as good of a foundation as any for a relationship.

  She waved goodbye and then turned to find Alec still standing in the dining room, staring at her. “What’s wrong?”

  “Nothing.” His quiet tone drew her in. It was as if he’d bottled up all that vitality with a heavy-duty cork. Unnerving, really, the way he could turn it off and on so fast.

  “If nothing’s wrong, why’d you blow back out here looking like you wanted to kill someone?”

  “It’s nothing I can’t handle.”

  “Then why are you looking at me with that tight face?” What kinds of screwed-up moods were coursing through him, and when had this become part of his personality? Mark’s illness hadn’t surfaced until his midtwenties. Had Alec also changed dramatically after college, and she’d just never been around him enough to notice?

  “Now?” He didn’t blink. “I suppose I’m just surprised.”

  “By what?” She stood, rooted to the ground, wondering why he looked almost dejected.

  “By the fact you’d go out with him.” His jaw ticked before his gaze skittered away from hers.

  What did that mean, and why did it feel like the temperature in the room increased by ten degrees? “Why does that surprise you?”

  “Because he’s nothing like Mark,” he replied without any hesitation.

  Exactly, she thought, and then swallowed the lump of guilt in her throat from years spent living in the gray area between truth and lies. She stepped closer to Alec—the invisible energy from his body gripping her like a magnetic pull.

  “You never liked Mark. And, anyway, just the other night you told me to get back out there.” Her pulse drummed rapidly thanks to this uncomfortable conversation. Did she care what Alec thought, or whether the idea of Todd and her bothered him? “Has something changed?”

  Alec rubbed the back of his neck before shoving his hands in his pockets. “No. I want you to be happy.”

  As if love secured happiness. Not in her experience—nor her mom’s, for that matter. Maybe Gentry had a point about love and marriage, after all.

  In any case, she detected melancholy in Alec’s voice, although she didn’t doubt his sincerity. Her thoughts skipped back to the puzzle on his coffee table. She pictured him sitting alone night after night, working on that instead of being with people. She’d always assumed he’d preferred his solitude, but now she wondered. Could he, like her, be using it as a shield against disappointment and hurt? Had his experiences, like hers, made him wary?

  Is that why he bullied the staff?

  “I think we should end each day with a staff meeting where we offer some kind of positive feedback.” She braced for his reaction.

  “What?” He was looking at her as if her skin had changed color.

  “You heard me, Alec.”

  “You’re serious?”

  “Deadly. Maybe if you’re forced to acknowledge the things that are going well every day, you won’t be so quick to blow your top.”

  “Why on earth would I pander to my staff, especially with so little time until the opening?”

  “You just said you wanted me to be happy. This will make me happy.”

  He stared at her, his jaw clenching as time stretched between them. “Fine.”

  Before she spoke again, he wandered toward the kitchen.

  “Alec?”

  “We’ve both got a lot of work to do.” This time he forced a smile. “Let’s stay focused on that for now.”

  He held her gaze intently for another moment and then disappeared behind the kitchen doors, leaving her in the middle of the dining room. She spun toward her office, straightening her skirt before returning to her desk.

  Resting her fingers on the pulse at the base of her neck, she willed her thoughts and heart to settle. The restaurant—not a man—would be her salvation. She knew this to be true. Yet Alec’s soulful gaze tempted her beyond reason.

  “Whoa, that’s a big pour!” Colby held up her hand to her sister-in-law, Sara, with whom she’d immediately bonded the first time Hunter had brought her home from college to meet the family.

  “Don’t worry,
I’m having more, too.” Sara poured herself an equally large glass of sauvignon blanc. She’d been drinking all through dinner, which meant she still hadn’t gotten pregnant. Twenty-seven months in a row with no luck and one failed round of IVF. No wonder she wanted more booze.

  Colby had stopped asking about their pregnancy status back in April. Now all she could do was pray for her brother and sister-in-law. Parenting required a kind of bravery Colby didn’t yet have, but she’d love a niece or nephew.

  “Besides,” Sara continued, her startlingly sky-blue eyes filled with mischief, “you need it. You’ve been jumpy tonight, and it’s not because Hunter called you here to sign those new partnership documents.”

  “I’m not jumpy.” Colby sipped the chilled wine, aware that she had, in fact, been jumpy, especially when forced to watch Gentry’s coquettish behavior toward Alec. Trust Sara’s uncanny ability to sniff out sexual tension like a foraging bear. Colby had admitted her ill-advised attraction to herself, but she could resist it in favor of smart choices. If only Hunter hadn’t invited those two to dinner. “But I am a little anxious. Taking on all that risk just to avoid answering to Hunter is a big leap,” she teased.

  “I don’t blame you,” Sara commiserated. “He can be a dictator.”

  “One you adore.” Colby envied her brother’s solid marriage. If she could be guaranteed their kind of steady love and respect, maybe she’d risk another try.

  “Most of the time, anyway.” Sara quickly unwound and readjusted the loose knot of sandy-blonde hair piled on top of her head. Her generous, wide mouth turned upward in a knowing smile. That Julia Roberts smile might be Sara’s best feature. “But you don’t fool me. Alec has you worked up.”

  Sara grinned like she’d just thrown a bull’s-eye, but Colby refused to cop to that suspicion. “Don’t be ridiculous.”

  “Oh, come on. In all the years I’ve known you both, I’ve never seen you so aware of him before.” Sara backhanded Colby’s arm. “Don’t worry, they can’t hear us from the patio while Gentry’s yakking.”

  Colby didn’t need that reminder. Gentry, in her skimpy, cleavage-baring black romper and high-heeled sandals. As if her laughing, devil-may-care sister needed any help making herself more appealing than other mere mortals.

  Oh, dammit. Colby would not allow herself to feel jealous of her sister. Or possessive of Alec. She must be unhinged, because nothing else explained why she didn’t run in the opposite direction after witnessing his Jekyll and Hyde transformations several times this past week.

  “I’m not aware of him, for Pete’s sake.” Of course, she was aware that he’d brought her mom some chocolate éclairs two nights ago, and Colby hadn’t even encouraged that visit. Moreover, he’d stayed and chatted for a half hour, which had thrilled her mom. How could Colby not be grateful? She’d also caught him consoling Margo, the entremetier, after she’d had an argument with her husband. Glimpses of Alec’s finer points let her gloss over his bad behavior, until she reminded herself of where that kind of thinking had gotten her in the past. “Dinner was great, but you’re brave to cook for Alec.”

  “I’ve cooked for him dozens of times. He doesn’t scare me.” Sara’s expression grew pensive. “In fact, I feel sorry for him. He’s still grieving, even if he won’t talk about it with me or Hunter.”

  “Considering the fact that he and Joe weren’t that close as adults, I’m surprised it’s hit him so hard for this long.”

  Alec had turned the other cheek against Joe’s snarky remarks for years. She’d admired his maturity and assumed Joe would grow up and stop after high school. Then Alec was in Europe, and when he returned, he was so busy with his restaurant she barely saw him. At that point, she’d written most of Joe’s sarcasm off as jealousy, because no one could dispute Alec’s success.

  “That’s probably exactly why it’s so hard.” Sara’s gaze turned distant as she smoothed her hand along the farm table she and Hunter had purchased at some antique shop a few years ago. “He’ll never get the chance to resolve anything with Joe.”

  Colby knew how that kind of remorse poisoned the soul. If Mark hadn’t known that she’d been considering leaving him, maybe he wouldn’t have completely given up on life. That particular “what if” always formed a thick lump in her throat.

  She’d never know the answer, and she’d never be able to make it right. Her inadvertent role in his suicide taught her that she could never predict the ripple effect of any choice, which made every choice seem more dangerous.

  Another thing she now knew—something had hardened Alec. Part of her wanted to know what that was, but another part dreaded the truth. Past experiences had etched her consciousness with fear. Fear of never trusting whether the next man she might love would also be someone so different from whom she believed him to be. Fear of making another mistake and living another lie.

  “Alec’s changed,” Colby blurted.

  “You make it sound ominous. He’s still Alec, just a little sadder.”

  Clearly Sara had never heard him working in the kitchen.

  “There’s an edge to him now. An instability.” Surely Sara and Hunter had noticed.

  “No one is more stable than Alec. He just needs to find his footing again and move forward.” Sara glanced at Colby’s left hand, which Colby then withdrew from the table. “Come to think of it, you two could help each other. You’re both a little stuck.”

  “I’m getting unstuck, thank you very much.” Colby gulped her wine and eyed the bottle to make sure there’d be more. She’d need it if Sara planned to keep needling her about Alec.

  “With work, maybe. But don’t you get lonely?”

  “I don’t really think about it.” She wouldn’t confess that the thought of dating was more terrifying than being caught naked in a crowd.

  Because Mark and Colby had avoided family and friends whenever he’d swing to either extreme, Sara and Hunter had little idea of her marital ups and downs. Or of how difficult it had been to keep his secrets, even when she’d understood his concern. Mark hadn’t feared much, but that stigma had scared the shit out of him. He’d been convinced it would hurt his career opportunities by making his boss and peers doubt and fear him. And he’d already been somewhat of an outsider in her family, so she hadn’t wanted to widen that gap.

  “I’m not suggesting you can ever replace Mark.” Sara squeezed Colby’s hand, apparently sensing her surge of sadness. “But you should consider your future and the family you may want.”

  “Not everyone’s like you, Sara. Maybe some of us aren’t meant to be wives and mothers.” I failed miserably.

  Sara frowned. “Maybe not, but you are.”

  “She is what?” Gentry asked, having waltzed into the kitchen carrying some dirty dishes, which she set in the sink.

  “Meant to fall in love again and have a family.” Sara smiled.

  Gentry rolled those green eyes. “Why get married when you can date around?”

  “You’re only twenty-five. We’ll see how you feel in another five years.” Sara laughed. “Or if you meet Mr. Right.”

  “Mr. Right Now is just fine with me.” Gentry grabbed the bottle of wine and poured herself a fresh glass. “Not that you’d understand that. Jeez, you picked Hunter. Who could be more predictable than him? Clearly you and I don’t want the same things.”

  Her tone had been light, but Colby noted a defensive sparkle in Sara’s eyes.

  “We should be so lucky as Hunter and Sara.” Colby raised her glass like a toast. “They’re perfectly matched.”

  Sara’s gaze wandered away for a moment. Before Colby could ask why, Sara said, “Let’s go back outside with the guys.”

  “Actually, I’m going to grab my laptop from my car to show Colby the photos I took for the website. Hunter will probably want to see, too, even if he no longer gets a vote.” She flashed an impish grin and dashed outside.

  “She’s so frank.” Sara wrinkled her nose. “One of these days her lack of discretion will be her und
oing.”

  “I know she drives Hunter crazy.” Colby sighed. Her type A brother couldn’t comprehend Gentry’s laissez-faire attitude, or the way Dad and Jenna pampered her. Neither could Colby, but it didn’t irk her the way it got under Hunter’s skin.

  “Only because your dad tolerates so much from Gentry that he never let you and your brother get away with.” Sara pressed her index finger to her lips, ending the conversation just before they passed through the French doors to the slate patio.

  Hunter’s Craftsman-style house, which clung to a wooded hillside, had a partial view of Lake Sandy. A vigorous fire burned in the copper fire pit, infusing the night air with heat and a smoky aroma. Summer evenings like this were the stuff of movies, not real life.

  Colby slid onto one of the empty Adirondack chairs. Given Sara’s heightened observations, she made herself look at Alec and smile as if it were old times. Hopefully, the fact that she’d pressed her hand against her stomach to settle its cartwheels went unnoticed.

  Gentry returned with her laptop and her camera bag. “Come see.”

  Despite Gentry’s pretense of indifference, a spark of pride lit her eyes. Ah, good. Colby might’ve failed to save Mark, but she wouldn’t fail her sister. No more taking tomorrows for granted when it came to her family.

  Gentry flipped open the laptop and began scrolling through her photos. She’d taken some artistic shots of the interior: wood and glass, tables and chairs, the modern chandeliers, and some of Alec’s dishes. The exterior shots were a bit more generic but did the job, showing the garden beds, gazebo, and lake views.

  “These are wonderful.” Colby patted Gentry’s back.

  “What’s missing are photos of you and Alec. I think we need those for the ‘About Us’ page. Let’s do that now, before the sun sets.” Gentry reached for Alec’s hand. “You first, handsome.”

  Sara’s eyes bugged with surprise. Hunter scowled, and Alec froze in the face of the bald flirtation. Then his lips quirked and he rose. “Lead the way.”

  Gentry led Alec to the corner of the patio and positioned him to take advantage of the soft evening light. Colby’s focus on whatever Hunter and Sara were discussing faltered because she was eavesdropping on Gentry and Alec. Epic fail there. Only Gentry’s playful laughter pierced the melodic murmur of Alec’s deep voice.