Before I Knew (The Cabots #1)

by Jamie Beck

  “Alec mentioned it to Hunter during one of their cycling workouts this past week.” Sara then raised a silver-and-moonstone necklace for closer inspection before Colby could probe for more information. “They say moonstone helps with fertility. What do you think?”

  Sara held the necklace against her breastbone and cocked her head. If moonstone worked, Colby would empty her wallets and drape Sara in the gemstones. Unfortunately, she doubted they’d help more than the failed fertility treatments. “It’s very pretty.”

  “Can’t hurt.” Sara’s wan smile tugged at Colby’s heart. At the same time, she admired the way Sara and Hunter faced life and loss together.

  While Sara paid for the item, Colby’s thoughts returned to Alec and his father. Alec had thrown himself on Melissa’s sword to keep Colby from having to discuss Mark. If Mr. Morgan gave Alec an ultimatum, would Alec leave A CertainTea and her? She wouldn’t want him to become estranged from his family for her, but she also wouldn’t want him to leave. What did she want?

  The memory of their recent kiss rushed back, washing through her, warm and frothy. It did that on a regular basis, like ocean waves rhythmically pounding the shore. But she’d sensed sharks in that surf and yanked herself out.

  “Where’d you go?” Sara clutched the little white bag in hand, her brows slightly pinched in concern.

  “Nowhere. Just a lot on my mind.” Colby guessed that Sara thought she was thinking about Mark, who’d ended his life mere blocks away. The only other time she’d come back to the Pearl, she’d consciously avoided looking toward Lovejoy Street. When she and Mark had first moved here, they’d been so in love, they’d believed their street name to be a good omen instead of the perverse joke it became.

  “I thought you asked Gentry to join us.” Sara hooked arms with Colby as they meandered to the next booth, effectively steering her away from the memory.

  “She’s working here with Jake today, so keep an eye out for the hot dog cart.” Colby chuckled. “That’s driving my dad over the edge.”

  “Isn’t that her goal? Ooh, Bonnet!” Sara’s attention snagged on that store’s sale tent, so she dragged Colby inside. “I love these hats. Especially this red-and-gray Lady Mary.” Sara placed the cute hat on her head and framed her face with her hands. “See?”

  She removed it and then lifted a lovely straw hat with a wide black ribbon and plopped it onto Colby’s head. “You’re definitely a Gigi. So classic.”

  Colby swiveled her head to glance in the mirror, then froze. It was a sweet hat, but Mark had always loved her in hats. She expected him to be on her mind today, given that she’d come back to their old stomping grounds, but wished the endless barrage of memories would finally end. Then, now, now, then—love, anger, sorrow, regret, resentment, guilt, horror. Movement reflected in the mirror—of Sara snatching the Lady Mary back from the rack and taking it to the cashier—broke Colby’s runaway train of thought.

  While Sara rang up another purchase, Colby returned the Gigi to its shelf and watched the crowd in the street. It parted slightly as people milled around, at which point she caught a glimpse of Gentry.

  Her sister’s super-short turquoise-and-black-sequined Betsey Johnson dress with turquoise-and-black leopard-print boots made Gentry’s red hair the least loud thing about her today.

  Colby spied on her sister, who bent down to talk to two young girls whose mom was paying Jake for some hot dogs and enormous cookies. After the family strolled away, Jake mumbled something, to which Gentry dismissively waved a hand. Jake shot her a quizzical look, then she giggled as she whispered something in his ear. His hand slid over her hip, and he bit her earlobe.

  While witnessing the little intimacy, Colby momentarily envied her sister’s ability to live in the moment—a skill she hadn’t yet reclaimed. More than that, she missed being looked at the way Jake looked at Gentry—with fascination and attraction, like he couldn’t wait to get her alone.

  Alec had gazed at Colby that way last weekend when he’d kissed her. She’d spent all week pretending it meant nothing yet fantasizing about how far that passion might have gone had she let it. Imagining the heat of his body against hers. The sound of him moaning her name. The taste of his skin. Those musings gathered in her abdomen and squeezed, making her ache with longing. Making her wonder if his baggage might be worth the heavy lifting.

  “Are you cold?” Sara asked when Colby shivered.

  “No.”

  “Mark?” Sara asked gently.

  “No. I found my sister.” Colby pointed across the road, only the slightest bit guilty for dissembling. “Let’s go say hi.”

  Sara stopped short. “What’s she wearing in the middle of the day?”

  “Something that’s sure to get attention.” Colby couldn’t help but smile.

  “There isn’t enough attention in the world to make her happy.” Sara grimaced.

  “Hunter and I need to spend more time with her.” Colby sighed. “We might be too late, though.”

  Sara shook her head. “It’s never too late for love.”

  Colby hoped so. On so many levels, she wanted that to be true.

  “Hey, Sis.” She hugged Gentry then smiled at Jake. Even though he’d criticized her restaurant’s food, she’d take the high road for Gentry’s sake. “Let me have one of these famed hot dogs. Just mustard and ketchup, though. No relish or onion.”

  “Sure.” Jake went to work. No friendly smile. No apology for the scene he caused in her restaurant. No “Thank you.” Nothing. Jake didn’t appear particularly complicated or encumbered by baggage. Another reason to toss that particular yardstick.

  Jake handed Colby a hot dog in exchange for four bucks.

  “Looks great, thanks.” In fact, it tasted better than she’d expected, too. Natural casing gave it that snappy texture she liked. Not that he seemed to care one way or the other about her opinion.

  “Can you take a break and walk with us for a while?” Sara asked Gentry.

  “Nah.” Gentry wrinkled her nose. “It pisses me off to see all this stuff on sale after I paid full price.”

  “You could try waiting for things to go on sale,” Colby teased.

  “I’m a trendsetter, Sis. Not a follower.” Gentry playfully swept her hand down her body as if to say “Voilà!” Then she ruefully shook her head at Colby’s simple belted black-and-white gingham dress.

  Gentry’s disapproving eye didn’t change the fact that Colby was most comfortable in simple, understated dresses.

  “What’d you buy, Sara?” Gentry craned her head toward the bags like a heat-seeking missile.

  “A hat and a moonstone necklace.” Sara shook her bags. “But, actually, I’ve got to be off already. Hunter and I have plans.”

  “Vague.” Colby cocked her head, but Sara stayed mum. Colby guessed they’d planned a “date” of some sort. Her brother worked tremendously long hours, but today was Sunday. Those two made love and marriage look easy. She wished they could teach her, but deep down, she knew she’d have to learn for herself.

  “What will you do now?” Sara asked Colby.

  “Hit up Powell’s on my way home. I want to pick up 100 Days of Happiness.”

  “Sounds like something we could all use. Pass it over to me when you’re done.” Sara kissed her cheek. “Sorry we didn’t get to spend much time together today.”

  “No apologies, please. My new work schedule is killing what little social life I had.” Colby shrugged.

  “Maybe you should lift that stupid ban and hook up with Alec.” Gentry’s oh-so-casual tone didn’t fool Colby. Her sister never said anything without some agenda. It only surprised her that Gentry now seemed to be pushing Colby toward Alec instead of nabbing him for herself.

  Sara’s hot gaze homed in on Colby, too.

  “You don’t actually expect a response, do you?” Colby asked them, brushing the suggestion aside as if she hadn’t been obsessing about it since she and Alec had kissed.

  Sara and Gentry exchanged a quick g
lance, then Sara said, “No time to argue about this now, so I’ll see you both later.”

  “Give our brother a kiss.” Colby and Gentry waved goodbye to Sara, then Colby turned to her sister. “Any news for me on the social media front?”

  “It’s all good. I told you that article would help, and we’ve received a lot of great comments from people who dined over the weekend. We’ve got a dozen five-star reviews on Yelp so far, too.”

  “Excellent.” She should tell Gentry about the family backlash Alec endured because of the article as a reminder not to be so careless, but Alec hadn’t shared it with her, so she stayed quiet. “Thank you for keeping on top of that.”

  “No probs.” Gentry shifted her weight from one high-heeled boot to the other. Trendsetting looked painful. Selling hot dogs also looked painful—or, rather, painfully boring.

  Jake’s impassive expression made Colby want to grab Gentry and head for the hills. “Come with me to Powell’s. We can grab a drink after.”

  “Can’t. I promised Jake I’d hang.” Gentry shrugged. “I know everyone in our family thinks I’m a flake, but I’m not.”

  “I don’t think you’re a flake.”

  Gentry glanced away for a second. “Well, anyway, it’s more fun people-watching than going to a bookstore.” Gentry made a show of shuddering, as if books were akin to the tedium of ice fishing. On second thought, maybe for Gentry, reading was tedious, considering that it required hours of concentration unrelated to selfies.

  “Fine. I’ll see you Wednesday morning at the restaurant.” Colby flashed a smile at Jake. “Enjoy the day. Hope it’s lucrative.”

  He nodded and gave her a thumbs-up. Oh, boy. He’d better be excellent in bed to make up for his dull personality. Not that one really made up for the other. Obviously, Colby had sex on the brain. Something that hadn’t taken up much space there until recently.

  She turned her back on her old neighborhood and strolled toward Powell’s, wishing it were that easy to turn away from her bad memories.

  Minutes later, the massive brick bookstore beckoned like an old friend. Entering the venerable labyrinth could be overwhelming to a newcomer. Cement floors covered sixty-eight thousand square feet of space, crowded with endless rows of wooden bookcases containing roughly one million books. Its multiple rooms had color-coded names, like the Coffee Room, where the romance novels were shelved, or the Rose Room for children’s and YA books. Fortunately, Colby had spent enough hours here throughout the years to know her way around without the map.

  She found her book and proceeded to the café to grab some tea. To her surprise, she spotted Alec at a table, his attention absorbed by a crossword puzzle.

  Seeing him here temporarily disoriented her, as if her constant overthinking things had conjured him.

  “Alec, what’re you doing here?” She lived only minutes away, in Eliot Tower, but Alec had driven over from Lake Sandy.

  His wide eyes proved him equally stunned to see her.

  “Killing time until I check out the competition at Beast.” He closed his puzzle book and smiled. He’d worked such long hours this week, she didn’t know how he managed to stay upright let alone think through a crossword puzzle.

  “Sneaky.” She nodded with approval.

  “Naomi’s an excellent chef, and I like to be challenged.”

  “I know this about you.” She fidgeted with her book.

  “Innovation and attention to detail make all the difference.”

  Details that went beyond his professional pursuits, like her favorite flowers. Colby smiled, feeling oddly shy. “I meant to thank you for the vase and tulip earlier.”

  “You’re welcome.” He held her gaze.

  This was only the third time they’d spent time together outside the restaurant since dinner at Hunter’s. The first since the recent kiss. That kiss. She caught herself staring at his mouth. Which quirked. Shoot. Busted.

  “What’d you pick?” He peeked at the cover, letting her off the hook. “Hmm. Self-help?”

  “No. Fiction. An Italian author wrote a story about a man with an inoperable tumor who’s given one hundred days to live, so he makes a plan to win back his ex and accomplish a bunch of stuff so he can die happy.” It may have sounded morbid to some, although to her the description carried a hopeful note.

  “A bucket list on steroids?”

  She laughed. “I suppose you could frame it that way.”

  They both hesitated, unsure of what to do or say next.

  “Where were you before you came here?” he asked.

  “At the sidewalk sale with Sara.”

  “By Jamison Square?” He raised his brows, looking worried yet impressed. “And where are you off to next?”

  “Home.” To her empty condo. To sit alone and read and while away the time until she could go to sleep . . . by herself. And yet, here was Alec. Also alone. Also burying himself in a book to avoid reality, or his father, or both.

  Seeing him here with his puzzle book took her back to high school. To the Alec who’d often been alone, whether in his kitchen or the tree house. Who’d almost always been there for her when she’d needed him. Maybe fate brought him here to remind her of that. Before she thought better of it, she asked, “Would you like to come over for a drink or something?”

  His eyes went wide and cautious. “Right now?”

  “Yes.” A restless feeling rose inside, making her excited and flustered at the same time. What the hell was she thinking? “Well, after I pay for my book.”

  “Okay. Sure.” He stood so abruptly that his chair scraped against the cement floor. Offering the others nearby a sheepish grimace, he then followed her to the counter.

  Minutes later they were ducking and weaving through the crowded sidewalks, trying to avoid the steady stream of cyclists and homeless along the one-mile walk to her condo. Alec spent the journey sharing his take on the weekend’s receipts, customer feedback, and so on.

  Colby couldn’t concentrate on business, though. Not when his cargo pants, soft chambray shirt, and uncharacteristically free expression looked even more appealing than him in his crisp white chef’s coat.

  For a blissful moment, she wanted to simply be one of two single adults enjoying a breezy Sunday afternoon with a frisson of attraction sparkling between them. A pair that onlookers might even mistake for a couple. A happy couple.

  Lately, the voice that wanted Alec as more than her friend had been drowning out the one advising caution. Who was she to judge Alec’s baggage when she had a cartful of her own?

  Perhaps Alec was another chance to force herself out of a comfortably numb existence, like today when she’d survived going back to the Pearl. If she couldn’t make herself trust Alec—someone she’d known most of her life—who could she trust?

  “Pretty building.” Alec squinted up at the gleaming glass structure. “Do you have a nice view?”

  “No. Second-floor unit.” She’d never again live on a high floor with a balcony. A little shiver danced down her spine, but she made herself look into Alec’s eyes before that final image of Mark could fully materialize. It worked, but the sudden intimacy inside the elevator nearly suffocated her when the doors closed.

  Alec shoved his hands in his pockets. That old habit comforted her, actually.

  Once inside her apartment, she went to the refrigerator, pulled out an open bottle of sauvignon blanc, and poured two glasses. A quick flick of the remote turned on some mellow music to calm her nerves.

  From the kitchen, she watched Alec meander around the living room, studying her photos and gazing out the plate-glass windows. His hand grazed the soft chenille sofa and fingered the bronze sculpture on the sofa table.

  She’d decorated A CertainTea much like her own home. Grays, creams, woods, with occasional charcoal. A perfect model unit, yet lacking in the essentials that made a house a home. Not even the pop of lavender pillows and artwork had made a difference. Alec, on the other hand, might.

  She crossed to him. Wi
th a slightly shaky hand, she handed him a wineglass, blurting, “I want to talk about the kiss.”

  Alec’s wineglass halted in midair. “I thought we already did.”

  Colby gestured toward the sofa. When he sank into its deep cushions, Colby settled beside him. Although they weren’t touching, his heat and energy warmed her.

  “I’ve been thinking.” She gulped some wine for courage, then set her glass on the reclaimed-wood coffee table. “I overreacted. I’ve done that a lot since . . . Mark. I haven’t quite found my balance.”

  “You’re still grieving your marriage.” His brows drew together, lending him a guilt-ridden appearance. She didn’t want him to feel guilty about kissing her. In fact, she wanted him to do it again. He stared at her wedding ring. “You witnessed something no one should see. And to lose someone you love that way . . .”

  Colby almost confessed the truth about her troubled marriage and the guilt that clung to her like the freshman fifteen. But Mark had never wanted anyone to know. She couldn’t betray his memory now.

  “I’m trying to move on. A CertainTea is a good start. But as much as I love the happy diners and sampling all of the amazing things you prepare, it hasn’t helped me here.” She gestured around her home and then settled a hand over her heart. “Or here.”

  “You can’t force it, Colby.” He set down his glass and scrubbed his face. “A kiss shouldn’t make you cry.”

  She edged closer. “I think it’d been so long since I’d experienced any kind of lust. It shocked me, especially because it was you.”

  When he looked away, she realized how that might have sounded.

  She reached for his hand. “I only meant that we’ve been friends for so long. It was a little weird, right? I mean, we’ve got this whole platonic history. Surely part of you still thinks of me as the little brat who always chased after you and Hunter. Who bullied you into haircuts, tutoring, and kissing lessons.” She smiled, her mind sifting through a hundred moments from their youth.

  “It’s weird, but not for those reasons.” Alec released her hand, stood, and went to the window. Not the response she’d expected. Maybe her indecisiveness all week had pushed him away. “We can’t leave the past behind until we talk about Mark and Joe.”