Before I Knew (The Cabots #1)

by Jamie Beck

  “I’m serious. What’s on your list?”

  After a moment, she said, “My top three would be a trip to Holland during its tulip festival, a hot-air-balloon ride, and to meet Adam Levine.”

  “Adam Levine?” he chuckled.

  “No judging. What about you?”

  “I’ve never given it any thought.”

  “Off the top of your head, what have you always wanted to do?”

  Make love with you. “Earn a Michelin star—or two, or three—someday. Cycle through French wine country. Fish in Alaska.”

  “I can’t help much with that first one.”

  “Michelin doesn’t cover the Northwest US at this point, but maybe in the future. In the meantime, I want to win another James Beard Award, and you’ve given me a place to start trying.” He set aside concerns about the way she kept wanting to tweak his menu for “broader appeal.” This wasn’t the time for that discussion with “the boss.” Instead, he teased, “Of course, the other two might be a little difficult to squeeze in on Mondays and Tuesdays, and I can’t have the boss catch me slacking off.”

  “She’s a taskmaster. Her and that dumb rule against coworkers dating.” Colby wrinkled her nose.

  “Sexual harassment suits are messy.” He kissed her temple, then twirled her around. “But if I play my cards right, I could end up owning the joint.”

  “First she’d have to sexually harass you.”

  “I can’t wait!” He’d never spoken truer words in his life.

  Her eyelids lowered slightly. “Maybe you won’t have to.”

  The heated words shot through him. She slid her hands up his chest. Her fingertips brushed along his neck to the line of his jaw, then back down and over his shoulder blades. His body grew hot and hard wherever she touched him.

  He traced the curves of her hip, her spine, the back of her neck. Her lips parted slightly, but her gaze followed her own hands as they swept down his torso, then snuck around his waist and over his ass.

  Colby’s featherlight touch was the most erotic of explorations, despite his being fully clothed. He willed time to stop and let himself savor the moment building between them. The thrum in his chest and elsewhere awakened every part of his body, inside and out, imprinting her touch on his soul. They swayed to the music, and everything around him receded into a fog as he lightly rested his hands on her hips.

  “Alec.” The whisper drifted around him, making him dizzy.

  He didn’t know how to respond to the onslaught of emotion, because what did one do when his dreams came true?

  Eyes closed, he kissed her forehead, her nose, her eyelid, her jaw—which made her shiver—then finally her mouth. She tasted like jelly and cheese and a hint of the pepper flakes, but mostly she tasted like Colby. Colby, Colby, Colby. His heart brimmed over with rich sweetness, thick and decadent like molten caramel.

  Her arms wound around his neck, holding him close. So close it seemed as if their hearts might knock into each other.

  He wouldn’t open his eyes for fear that this dream would disappear. Need tightened his entire body with the groundswell of desire and hunger that had built up for years.

  Colby eased away and took his hand. “Let’s take this someplace more comfortable.”

  No tears. Today she shed no tears. Still, jumping into bed could be the wrong move. High heat, while seductive, could be tricky. Like trying to sear steak in butter, the results would likely be smoky and bitter.

  “Wait.”

  Her brows rose.

  “Let’s slow down. I think you—we—need time.”

  She smiled. “Haven’t we waited long enough?”

  If you only knew.

  He gathered her close so she wouldn’t misread his intentions. “There’s a lot at stake. Our friendship. Our working relationship. Let’s not rush into something and risk one of us ending up hurt.”

  Of course, chances were that person would be him, not her. He’d be her rebound lover, and then she’d wake up and remember that he’d never been the man of her dreams.

  Her hand touched his cheek before he realized that his gaze had wandered.

  “Why do you look sad?” She brushed his bangs away from his eyes.

  “I’m not sad.” He masked his self-doubt with a bad joke. “I’m concentrating. It takes a lot of restraint to keep from throwing you over my shoulder and racing to the bedroom.”

  “Then let go.”

  “If this has any chance of being meaningful, we should treat it with reverence.”

  “Reverence,” she almost whispered, her face registering esteem. Esteem, however, wasn’t near enough regard to satisfy him.

  “Yes, reverence. Starting with a kiss.” He walked her backward toward the wall. “A perfect kiss.”

  He pressed her against the wall, then brought her hands up over her head, lightly fastening them there with his one hand.

  “What’s a perfect kiss?” The pulse point of her neck visibly throbbed.

  With his free hand, he swept a bit of her hair away from her face and tucked it behind her ear. He stared into her eyes the entire time, even as his thumb stroked her cheek and then brushed along her lips.

  “A perfect kiss begins with me touching your mouth.” His gaze temporarily dipped to the cupid’s bow of her lips before returning to her eyes, emboldened by the desire he saw reflected.

  Before she replied, he closed his mouth over hers and nipped at her lip, then traced its seam with his tongue. He sucked her lower lip and then sank his tongue into her mouth. Probing once, twice, and a third time until he heard her breathing grow heavier.

  “A perfect kiss,” he murmured against her cheek while kissing her jaw and neck, “will brand your heart with my desire.” He released her hands and cradled her face, looking in her eyes. “It will restore you and make you forget every kiss that came before.” He kissed her again, this time with more urgency. Then, almost like a prayer, he whispered, “It will make you dizzy until the answer to every question is my name.”

  Her body shivered as she fell under the spell of his perfect kiss. He almost regretted his talent for restraint, now that being one with her seemed essential.

  “So we’re agreed.” He kissed her again because, when her lips were so close, he couldn’t resist.

  “Not at all.” She unbuttoned his shirt, then smoothed her hands along his chest. “Show me what else you can do so perfectly.”

  This time when she yanked on his arm and led him to her room, he followed.

  He barely registered the surroundings because the only thing he could see was her beautiful, silky hair in his hands. Her flushed cheeks and swollen lips. The curve of her shoulders, breasts, and hips as she stepped out of her dress as it fell to the floor.

  Her hot skin, so smooth and taut beneath his fingertips, warmed his hands. Lust surged when she pressed her lips to his chest, then made way for more tender yearning.

  Closing his eyes, he unleashed the umpteen years of passion he’d hidden away in fear of rejection or scorn. Ma moitié. He didn’t say the words aloud, but love—red, rich, and complete—consumed his heart and soul.

  Heat flared in anticipation of seeing her naked and sweaty and staring at him. Of hearing her call out his name and feeling her mouth on his eager body. Of losing himself in her, utterly and completely.

  Seconds turned into minutes turned into hours of tangled arms and legs, of beating hearts and panting breaths, of murmured ecstasy, until they drifted into blissful sleep as one.

  Chapter Eleven

  Disoriented by dawn’s first rays, Colby wished she’d remembered to close the blinds. She pressed her fingers to her slightly tender lips. Lips ravaged by hundreds of perfect kisses. Limbs heavy from hours of lovemaking.

  Most guys had made short work of foreplay. Alec, however, had never been like most guys.

  After a lifetime of watching him pay particular attention to every detail, be it a puzzle or a recipe or any project he’d ever attempted, it didn’t surprise her t
o discover he was also that kind of lover. The memory of his touch unleashed a rush of warmth that coiled in her tummy, making her smile. Words that rarely entered her vocabulary anymore—“sweet, emotional, moving”—came to mind.

  She watched him sleeping on his stomach, arms and legs akimbo, and studied his graceful cheekbones, shiny hair, curve of his shoulders, outline of triceps. At once familiar and yet so fascinatingly new.

  Only inches separated them in her bed. It had been nearly two years since she’d shared this space with anyone.

  Mark had been a belly sleeper, too. When they’d first met and made love, he’d also enthralled Colby even as her instinct warned her to slow down. She should’ve listened to that instinct instead of being impulsive—of getting swept up in emotion and lust. But she’d been young and had rushed into marriage with all the assuredness and hopefulness of any inexperienced young woman. Now the ashes of that marriage still gathered in the alcoves of her mind, no matter how often she tried sweeping them away.

  And yet, without much hesitation, she’d given in to impulse again last night. Alec’s perfect kisses had swept her away, just as he’d promised. Now what? Could she and Alec share something like Hunter and Sara had, or were the obstacles and history too overwhelming? Doubts began circling the bed, making her chest tight. The urge to push away—to run as far and fast as she could—gripped her with astonishing force.

  She slid out of bed and, after quietly slipping on some clothes, went to the living room and paced. She’d forgotten how awkward “the morning after” could be with a man who wasn’t one’s husband, not to mention one who’d been a friend, an adversary, a pseudo brother . . .

  Oh, good God. Alec Morgan was naked in her bed. How could that seem right and wrong at the same time?

  Sun rays streamed through the plate glass, glinting off her wedding band and stopping her heart. She lifted the ring, now warm and familiar in her palm. It didn’t belong on her ring finger after last night.

  She tested the band on her right hand, which felt odd. Odd but necessary. Unwelcome, irrational feelings of betrayal of both Mark and Alec tangled her thoughts and emotions into a thick knot. Food might help. She grabbed her keys and headed for a convenience store to buy eggs and milk. At the very least, cooking would give her something to do until Alec woke up.

  Along the three-block walk, she passed by a homeless man sleeping in a corner near a garage. Many of the homeless clustered closer to the highways, where the mayor allowed them to pitch tents at night. The population seemed to be expanding lately, with more scattered throughout the city, especially near the parks.

  That man’s fate—alone, penniless, and covered by a thin, dingy blanket—could’ve easily been Mark’s, too. He’d burned through his accounts during manic phases, spending ungodly sums on crazy things like plane tickets for a spiritual trip to Tibet and cases of sixty-dollar bottles of organic elderflower lemonade from Europe. Once he gambled away nearly his entire savings in Vegas. Had it not been for her job and her CTC stock, he could’ve easily ended up huddled in some corner of the city.

  Mark’s family lived in New Hampshire and had kept in touch sporadically at best. Without her, Mark would’ve been lost long before they’d learned he went missing.

  Not that she’d ultimately been able to save him. That thought always twisted her stomach. She knew, deep down, she’d never fully shirk the weight of her share of responsibility for what happened to her marriage and to her husband. To her. Did other people walk around hiding that level of guilt and pain?

  She glanced over her shoulder, wondering if the stranger had any family. If he, too, was mentally ill.

  On her way home from the convenience store, she set a small bag with bread, peanut butter, and apple juice near the still-slumbering homeless man. He stirred but didn’t waken. Slightly afraid, she scooted away, wishing she were braver. Wishing she could do more. Then she remembered Alec’s wonderful idea. A smile formed, not only because she knew just what she wanted to do, but also because it reminded her of Alec’s best trait: his kind heart.

  When she returned, Alec was already dressed and ready to go. His gaze landed on the bag in her right hand and then homed in on the ring. “I didn’t know where you went. I thought . . . Are you upset?”

  She recognized that “bracing for pain” expression he’d always donned whenever his father entered the room. He must’ve thought she’d run away this morning, which she sort of had. Now he expected to be hurt.

  The thought of adding to the vein of rejection that ran through Alec like a wormhole wrung her heart.

  “You were sleeping so soundly, I didn’t want to wake you.” She gave him a quick kiss, willing her lingering doubts into submission as she raised the bag up. “Not even you could whip up breakfast without a quick restocking. This time, I’ll cook.”

  He stared at her an extra second, assessing and hopeful. She pushed down the knowledge that she’d already started repeating the bad patterns from her marriage of hiding her doubts to spare his feelings.

  “Trying to prove that you actually did learn to cook from watching me in high school?” His grin lit a match in her chest, loosening the tightness.

  “Something like that.” Although she felt as vulnerable as he looked, she could do this, dammit. She wanted to do this with Alec. “Tea or coffee?”

  “Neither, thanks.” He sank onto a kitchen stool. “What do you have planned today?”

  “During my walk, I got an idea. What if we use the fund we discussed to help the homeless?”

  “I’d assumed we’d support an environmental cause, given Mark’s and Joe’s passion for the wilderness.” Alec rubbed his chin. “Why the homeless?”

  “It’s a real problem in the city. I also think many suffer from mental illness. Without the support they need, they end up alone and lost. I think Mark—” She shook her head and prayed Alec didn’t catch her slip of tongue. “I think Mark and Joe would support that. The environment is important, but people matter more.”

  “Okay, then.” Alec’s warm smile wrapped around her heart. “The homeless.”

  “Thank you.” She cracked eggs into a bowl. “We could visit the Burnside Shelter this morning and find out what they need—food, beds, clothing.”

  “I can’t today. I skipped my morning cycling with Hunter, but I can’t blow off my mom, too. I promised I’d drive to the coast with her to visit my gram.”

  She whisked the eggs, wondering if Alec was keeping Hunter’s reaction from her. “Hunter must be pissed about being blown off.”

  “I texted him an apology in case he waited around.”

  The wire whisk landed against the edge of the bowl with a clank. “You have your phone?”

  “I know. Shocking!” He pulled it from his pocket, smiling, then set it on her counter.

  “How’d he react to this?” She gestured between them, forcing the issue.

  “I didn’t mention it. You were gone. I thought you’d had regrets.” He glanced at her ring again, a stoic mask covering his emotions. “Do you, Colby?”

  She’d sworn she wouldn’t start a new relationship with dishonesty, yet she couldn’t hurt him. Especially when her doubts didn’t rise to the level of regret. She might fear the part of her heart vibrating with happiness and hope, but she didn’t want to shut it off, either. Her hesitation must’ve telegraphed uncertainty, causing his crestfallen expression.

  “It’s okay, you know.” He stood. “I should get out of your way this morning. On Wednesday you can let me know what the rescue shelter says, and we’ll work on that project together.”

  Her throat tightened, but the voice in her head shouted “Don’t go!”

  “Wait.” She turned off the stove and dashed around the breakfast bar, placing her hands on his chest. “I don’t regret last night, Alec. I don’t.”

  “I hear a ‘but’ in there . . .” He didn’t embrace her. “Last night you said you wanted to put Mark behind you, but today you’re wearing his ring again.”
>
  “I know. I can’t explain it because I don’t understand it. My feelings about Mark are complicated. I need to take baby steps.” She tugged at his shirt. “You said you’d be patient.”

  He nodded. “I will be.”

  “Thank you.” She wound her arms around his waist, resting her head on his shoulder. Once he hugged her, she breathed again. This part felt so right she couldn’t let her chickenshit heart steal her chance at happiness with this man and his perfect kisses. “Let’s talk to Hunter together, unless that makes you uncomfortable.”

  “You’re ready to go public?”

  “I don’t want to hide my life from my family.” In this way her relationship with Alec would differ from her marriage. “I’ll probably visit my mom this afternoon. Maybe we can swing by Hunter’s in the evening?”

  “I’ll be back by then, so I’ll pick you up at your mom’s.” Alec grinned. “I wonder what Leslie will think.”

  “Leslie will be thrilled—and sure to expect an endless supply of pastries and visits,” she snickered. “Now maybe you’re having second thoughts.”

  He cupped her face, his expression sober and intense. “Never.”

  Unexpectedly, relief whooshed through her. “Even if your parents freak out.”

  “Stop focusing on my parents.”

  “Your dad really dislikes me.” Colby eased out of his arms, even though it was chilly outside of his embrace. “This could be explosive.”

  He squeezed her hands. “He won’t hurt you.”

  “What if he hurts you?”

  “After last night, nothing he does can touch me.” He sounded lighthearted, but she suspected he’d done that for her protection.

  Baggage. They both had enough to fill a 747. But she had no doubt Alec had her interests at heart. If ever there were a man she could trust to be whom he appeared to be, it should be him.

  Alec kissed her—a warm, slow kiss. A kiss that eased her worries and rekindled the desire she’d been keeping at bay. She ran her hands over his hips and then fiddled with his pants button. He moaned and kissed her deeper, but then pulled back.

  “If my mom wasn’t expecting me soon, I’d keep you in bed all day.” Following one final, too-quick kiss, he said, “See you later.”