Before I Knew (The Cabots #1)

by Jamie Beck

  He didn’t glance up. Couldn’t. He knew he’d see disgust reflected in her eyes, and he couldn’t really blame her.

  “So has this all been a lie? Sleeping with me and telling me you loved me was some kind of penance?” Her words were choked, her cheeks red-hot with shame. “Making me fall in love with you was some plan to ‘fix’ me?”

  “No, Colby. None of that was a lie. I love you. So much so that I couldn’t stay away even when I knew I should. Giving you up hurts more than cutting my heart out with a butter knife.” He rested his elbows on his knees and hung his head for a moment. “We can tell ourselves and each other that we were hiding things for the right reasons, but the fact that neither of us felt safe being honest with each other proves this isn’t working.”

  “I came here expecting to come up with some plans to deal with the review and your dad. I didn’t expect all this.” Her eyes glistened, but she stood tall and proud. That made his heart ache even more. She paced, lost in her thoughts, and he wished he could read her mind. Then she said, “I opened up my heart to you, and you’re tossing it back all bruised.”

  “I never wanted to hurt you. I wanted to make you laugh and see you smile. I’m sorry . . .” He couldn’t take it anymore. He needed to touch her, so he stood and weakly clasped her hand. “You want easy. Uncomplicated. That’s obviously not me. And our visions for the restaurant aren’t aligned. Let’s admit all this and let it go before we hurt each other more.”

  “You’re right about one thing. After all the lies I lived through with Mark, I knew how important honesty was, and yet I fell back into patterns of managing things like I did with him.”

  She withdrew from him and hugged herself.

  “You deserve a better, easier guy. Someone like Todd.” He closed his eyes to block the image of her and Todd hand in hand, hoping it would staunch his nausea.

  “How nice that you’ve already picked out your replacement. Should I give him the good news, or would you like the honors?” Again with the sarcasm, but he preferred her anger to her tears.

  “Let’s not hurt each other more. I just want to see you happy, Colby. That’s all I’ve ever wanted for you.” He didn’t know what else to say, so he said the next thing that flitted through his pea brain. “We should talk about what you’ll do about my job.”

  “Hell if I know, Alec. I can barely think right now,” she cried. He’d obviously said the wrong thing. Then again, he doubted there was a right thing to say at this point. “This is exactly what Hunter thought would happen, isn’t it—personal problems making it uncomfortable to work together? Chris can manage the kitchen in the short run, but I need you to help me pull off the gala. Can I count on you for that much?”

  “Of course.” Walking away from her just about brought him to his knees, but this was the right decision. He knew it, even as his soul rebelled against it. “In the meantime, if you want, I’ll compile a list of chefs that would happily carry out your vision for A CertainTea.”

  “Thoughtful to the end.” It might’ve been a compliment if she hadn’t injected those words with sarcasm.

  Colby turned to leave, but not before he saw her lip quiver. Everything in him wanted to wrap her in his arms and beg her for a solution that would fix everything they’d broken. But that’d be selfish, and he’d been selfish long enough.

  “I guess grown-up dreams don’t last any longer than children’s, do they?” She drew a tired breath. “I hope your parents work things out so one decent thing comes from all this pain.”

  Before he responded, she turned and sprinted toward her car, crying. That gutted him. But she’d fought her way back from a worse loss before.

  She’d survive this, too, even if he didn’t.

  Chapter Twenty

  The last time Colby had called her entire family to a meeting at her mother’s house, she’d announced her elopement. Mark had popped champagne corks, and her family swallowed their shock with several glasses of Veuve Clicquot.

  If they’d expected something similar today, they’d been sorely disappointed. She’d spent last night thinking about how she’d ended up in this situation. Why she’d ignored the signs that Alec was more broken than she’d realized and also capable of deceit. Why, like Mark, he’d promised her the moon and sworn his devotion only to then leave her without giving her a choice. And how she’d patch the gaping hole in her chest where her heart used to be.

  Crowded together in her mom’s small living room, her family looked at each other with concern. The kind of worried, tentative looks she and Mark had avoided by keeping their problems a secret. Secrets hadn’t worked out well then or now. Too bad it had taken so long for her to learn that sharing her troubles wouldn’t make her weak; it would make her strong.

  Still, she’d only had enough energy to explain what had happened with Alec—and her whole history with Mark—once. Hence, the group powwow.

  Now everyone knew everything. Thankfully, they were preoccupied with sending silent signals to one another, which kept them from gawking at her.

  She donned a brave mask, even though picturing Alec’s face, or thinking about going to work without him, wrecked her. Logically, everything he’d said—all of his reasoning—made sense. But the problem with perfect kisses that make someone fall in love is that the heart isn’t logical. Now hers was broken again, and all the reasoning in the world wouldn’t make that pain disappear overnight.

  Her mother remained uncharacteristically quiet. Colby suspected having Gentry, Jenna, and her ex in the house had set her on edge. But her mother had also been her and Alec’s most fervent supporter, which meant her heart might be just a little bit broken now, too.

  Colby’s father spoke first. “Honey, I’m sorry you went through so much and I never had a clue.”

  Gentry snorted, but bit back whatever snarky remark had popped into her head. Fortunately, her sister had the sense not to turn this into a moment about her childhood disappointments.

  Colby shrugged. “You’ve got a lot of responsibilities, and I was actively hiding the truth.”

  “My first responsibility should be to my family, not a balance sheet.” He frowned. “I promise things will be different in the future.”

  Jenna laid her hand on his thigh and squeezed, wearing an approving grin. Colby glanced at Hunter in time to catch him bristle. She had to talk to her dad before her family ended up falling apart like the Morgans.

  Colby looked at Sara sitting beside Hunter. The wrinkles at the corners of Sara’s warm eyes proved she understood the fact that life doesn’t always work out as you hope. She’d suffered through enough of her own disappointments to know that sometimes there was no easy answer. “I’m sorry, Colby. Really sorry. If you need anything, please let me know.”

  “Thanks.” Colby took comfort in the fact that Sara and Hunter seemed more relaxed today, nestled on the sofa, his arm slung casually over her shoulder. Her experiences had made love seem as fragile as a soap bubble, but Hunter and Sara inspired hope.

  Gentry was biting the inside of her cheek like she was clamping down on the words bunching up in her mouth, so Colby said, “Spit it out, Sis.”

  “This is exactly why I don’t want a serious relationship.” She raised one shoulder. “I mean, if you can’t trust someone like Alec, who can you trust?”

  “Don’t,” Hunter warned. “We’re not going to trash Alec. He’s been through as much as Colby, and he’s just as hurt.”

  “Colby’s your sister,” their mom said. “Loyalty lies with your family.”

  “Loyalty lies in your heart. In your gut. In looking at people’s intentions, not just judging their actions.” Hunter rubbed his hand over his face before looking at his wife. “Babe, I’ll meet you at home. I need to talk to Colby alone.”

  His authoritarian tone went unquestioned, as usual. They all took advantage of the chance to escape their discomfort with one another by taking off after hugging Colby in a final show of love and support.

  Of course, th
eir mom just stared at Hunter when he bugged his eyes at her to demand a little privacy.

  “Hey, this is my house.” She crossed her arms.

  He shook his head before grabbing Colby’s hand and dragging her onto the deck, where he stood for a minute, looking at the hedgerow separating their mom’s yard from the Morgans’ house.

  Some might fight his tyranny, but Colby knew he loved her, and that he would eventually say something wise. For all his flaws, his strength of mind and purpose had always helped refill her tank when she let him in.

  “Come with me.” His voice had softened, so she followed him to the back of the yard, through the bushes, and to the old tree house.

  She hadn’t wandered back here in ages. The strip of woods separating her mom’s street from the one behind it had seemed as dense and vast as Mount Hood National Forest when she’d been small. And the fort had been a castle in the air—a place of laughter and tears, secrets and wishes.

  Hunter stared up at it for a moment before he spoke, although his gaze seemed unfocused. A rarity. “Lots of memories.”

  “Yes.”

  “Not all of them good, especially not for Alec.”

  Colby didn’t reply. Alec had never talked to her about his problems back then, although she’d witnessed him with his dad often enough to feel sorry for him.

  “I have to be honest,” Hunter continued. “I didn’t like Joe much once he hit puberty. The only thing that kept me from kicking his ass was the fact that he always watched out for you.”

  “Hunter!” Colby didn’t like disparaging the dead. Especially not one who’d been her friend.

  “Listen.” Hunter held up a hand. “When you two were little, Alec always fought to let you up there with us, even when I didn’t want you guys around. He’d never hurt a living thing in his life. Hell, he’d remove spiders from the fort rather than kill them. I watched him turn the other cheek with his dad and Joe time after time, and, trust me, Joe could be every bit as nasty as Frank Morgan. To be honest, it pissed me off. But Alec always believed in taking the high road. And dammit, the one time he didn’t has now bitten him in the ass.”

  “What’s your point?” Colby crossed her arms, wondering if Hunter blamed her for the situation.

  He gripped her biceps. “My point is that I love you, but I love him, too. You haven’t asked, but I’m telling you now I’m not going to take sides.”

  “I’m not asking you to, Hunter. I don’t think Alec’s a bad person, although if I’d known about the letter . . .”

  “Then what?” Hunter released her in order to raise his hands heavenward. “What possible difference does that letter really make? You knew about Mark’s illness. You knew he was depressed about Joe. I’d bet everything that he probably made similar comments to you throughout those weeks following Joe’s funeral. Would some rambling words in a letter he sent to Alec honestly have changed anything you did before the morning he jumped?” Hunter cocked his head, barely giving her time to keep up with his thoughts. “If I’d have received that kind of letter from Mark, I’d have ignored it, too. Remember, none of us knew about his illness because you chose not to confide in your family or friends. You can’t blame any of us for writing off his moods as melodramatic. And Alec didn’t owe Mark his forgiveness. But you have to know that if Alec had had any real concern about Mark’s state of mind, he would’ve warned you.”

  “Even if that’s all true, Alec lied about it all this time. He wasn’t honest with me. He didn’t trust me.”

  “Maybe he just didn’t see the purpose now that so much time has passed. Even if he’d come to you right afterward, it wouldn’t have erased what you saw or lost. It wouldn’t have alleviated your own sense of responsibility for Mark’s state of mind. Nothing in this whole situation is that clear-cut. You, Alec, Joe, and I have a lifetime of history, but we’re not those little kids anymore, playing Truth or Dare and arguing about who has to clean up the fort. We’re grown-ups, which means we have to be willing to deal with messy shit. We have to look at the big picture instead of getting hung up on a small detail.”

  He glanced back up at the tree house. “Here’s something else to consider. All these years you stayed friends with Joe and never once stood up to him when he’d insult Alec, yet I don’t see Alec holding that against you. How many times did Joe openly refer to Mark as his brother in front of Alec? Maybe that never registered with you, but, trust me, it registered for Alec. You were in a position to make a difference with those two, but you didn’t even try.”

  “Why are you attacking me? I’m heartbroken, too, you know. I thought all the pieces of my life were finally coming together. Alec blew it all up. He walked away, just like Mark, without giving me a choice or trying to fix our problems.”

  “Don’t compare those two. Mark checked out and left you holding the cards because he wanted to escape his pain. Alec left because he’s dumb enough to think someone else might be better for you. And the only reason he thinks that is because he’s so used to being told he’s not man enough—he just assumes it’s true. He’s never had anyone fight for him, including you. So don’t tell me you have no choice. We all have choices. The only real question is whether you think he’s worth fighting for.”

  He sucked in a breath after that emotional tirade. Abruptly, he bear-hugged her and kissed her forehead. “I love you. I’m sorry for everything you’ve suffered. Like I said before, I’m not taking sides, just playing devil’s advocate. Despite what it might sound like right now, I’m here for you, whatever you need. Just remember you’re not the only person hurting.”

  She wished being wrapped in his solid arms would somehow infuse her with a bit of his strength, but when he released her, she knew that wish hadn’t been granted.

  He banged a hand against the tree-house ladder before turning to go. “You coming?”

  “Not yet.” She needed some time alone before she could subject herself to her mother’s hovering.

  Hunter blew her a kiss and wandered through the trees until he disappeared in the brush.

  Her brother’s passionate arguments still rang in her ears. She stared up at the tree house, dim memories circling the periphery of her mind. She reached for the ladder, tested a rung, and then climbed up into the old fort.

  Alec was right: animals had nested and eaten through a lot of the things they’d left behind, like the old coffee can where they’d stuffed bags of candy. A rusty, crushed beer can lay in the corner . . . probably Joe’s. Wax stains still colored one corner of the floor from all the times they’d hung out at night and lit candles and told stories. Told secrets.

  “I thought you were leaving today?” Colby asked, surprised to see Alec pop up the steps.

  “I want this for my dorm room.” He nodded toward the blue-and-gray tie-dyed tapestry on the wall.

  “It’ll be so weird without you and Hunter around. I’m jealous you guys are getting out of here and going to such big cities.”

  “You’ll get your turn soon enough.”

  “Do you think you’ll ever be back?” Seeing him now and saying goodbye made her stomach hurt a little.

  “School breaks.”

  “No, I mean, like, where do you think you’ll be in ten years . . . ?”

  “I don’t know. That depends on how well I do in school, but I hope to go to France or stay in New York when I graduate.”

  “So you won’t be back.”

  “Will you miss me?” He teased her now, but at the same time, he almost looked like he was holding his breath.

  “I guess I always thought we’d all be friends forever. Maybe even that our kids would be friends like us. That kind of thing.”

  “Why do girls think of marriage and kids so young?” he asked.

  She stood and helped him take down the tapestry, now curious because he’d never really had a serious girlfriend in high school. “Don’t you want to get married?”

  “Sure, one day.”

  “And what will your wife be like? Another
chef, or just a taste tester like me?” She laughed, again feeling another pang, this time for all the yummy food she’d miss sampling.

  He paused, averting his gaze. “If I’m lucky, she’ll be someone exactly like you, Colby.”

  “Whoever she turns out to be, I hope she’ll let us stay friends.”

  Colby shook off the bittersweet memory. She climbed down the ladder, thinking about what silly ideas young girls could spin, whether plucking the petals from daisies or daydreams about the future. Maybe Hunter was right. Had Colby never let go of childish fantasies about life and love?

  She’d gone off to college, planning to become a nurse because she liked to help people. Who would’ve predicted she’d become a transactional lawyer or run a restaurant? If anything, the foundation seemed a better fit for her skills and temperament. Especially if the right temperament for running a restaurant required Alec’s relentless drive for perfection.

  The sky warned of rain as she wandered back through the shrubs, past the garden, and up the steps of the deck. Once she reentered the living room, her mom handed her a full glass of Cabernet.

  “Here you go, honey,” she said, patting Colby’s shoulder.

  “I don’t need this,” Colby protested.

  “Everybody needs wine once in a while, especially to relax. I’ll make some lunch. You go take a hot shower.” Before Colby could lodge another protest, her mom disappeared.

  She didn’t need a shower, but she meandered back to her room and lay on her bed, her mind still swimming in nostalgia. Rolling onto her side, she picked at the comforter while watching the sky turn dark gray, like her mood. Stitch meowed from the doorway, staring at her forebodingly. “Go away, Stitch.”

  Of course, he didn’t listen. Obstinate, taunting old beast.

  Colby closed her eyes and pictured Alec’s face from yesterday. She couldn’t decide if knowing about Mark’s letter would’ve made a difference. Truthfully, Mark had said he couldn’t “live like this” many times throughout their short marriage, usually when he was coming out of a depression. Those were the worst of times—the climb out of that hole, with its mix of good days and bad—when he’d lose hope then that he’d ever break through the clouds. He’d want to end his suffering, but she’d always found a way to keep him going until that day.