by Unknown
“If anyone tries to hurt either of them, they will answer to me,” I said deflated. My shoulders dropped and I hung my head.
She grinned like she’d won the world cup.
“I knew it!”
“Sod off, I’m going to bed.”
I stormed out of the kitchen, leaving her there with her triumph.
2 - Abaddon and other demons
As I lay in bed, thinking about what Agnes had said, I had to admit to myself she had a point. I was turning soft the longer I stayed here. Maybe I should just leave now and seek out Gerwyn, he could create another portal for me and I could beg forgiveness of Satan, who wasn’t known for his forgiving nature, but maybe I could trade for the demon and another tube of lubricant. If I didn’t go home soon, I might never want to and being a demon with a compassionate nature would mean I wouldn’t fit in anywhere.
I heard a faint chuckling and sat up, looking around the room. There didn’t appear to be anyone there and believe me, I had good eyesight. I searched out every corner and tuned in to every noise. Nothing. Maybe it was the alcohol? I lay back down slowly, pulling the covers up to my chin but staying alert to the smallest sound or movement.
“I liked the negligee better,” a voice sniggered.
I gasped and lifted the covers, looking down at myself. I was still in the pyjama bottoms and t-shirt I’d put on to sit with Agnes. I searched the room with my eyes again. Still nothing but someone was definitely in here with me and when I found out who it was they were in for a serious arse kicking. I jumped up and angled myself over the side of the bed, looking beneath it to see if someone was hiding there. Finding no one, I sat back up.
“Who are you? Show yourself.”
“I can’t, I’m at a slight disadvantage,” the voice said.
“What do you mean?” My eyes were darting around so fast I was beginning to get dizzy.
“I’m not physically here. I’m in your head.”
I knew it, I was going loopy. This bloody planet was driving me insane.
“You can’t be in my head, I would know if I’d been possessed,” I snapped.
“You’re not possessed, you’re bound to me.”
“What?” I screamed.
“Not fully, don’t get your knickers in a twist! You’d have to drink my blood for that to happen.”
In my head...that had to mean he was a demon. Only demons could enter your head without physically being in the same place as you. Well, with the exception of Agnes.
“So how come you’re in my head then? Explain yourself, and then show yourself so I can kick your arse.” I jumped up off the bed, taking a defensive pose and getting ready for action.
“I really, truly, would like to see that, but unfortunately, when I tell you, I can’t see you wanting to take me on.”
“Cut the shit, fathead, and tell me where you are.”
“I told you, I’m in your head!”
I dropped my arms to my sides in disgust. “Well how the fuck did you get there and who the fuck are you?” I realised I was still scanning the room. I also realised I was wasting my own time so sat back down on the bed.
There was a sigh and a pause. I started to doubt he would answer; demons didn’t usually like to give their names out as having it gave the recipient some power over them. Suddenly he spoke again.
“My name is Abaddon.”
I snorted in derision.
He chuckled. “Seriously, that is exactly who I am.”
“Really? You’re Abaddon? Ruler of the abyss?” I think this demon had delusions of grandeur.
“The one and only,” he said proudly. I kicked myself for giving him the satisfaction.
“Prove it.”
“Your name is Natalia Stokes, your parents are Edmund and Mildred Stokes, born human, practitioners of the dark arts and killed in an accident involving gun powder and a potion for sexual longevity. Time served and given demon status in the 1400s. You came along shortly afterward, having been conceived on earth and born in Hell.”
“Any demon would know that, that doesn’t prove a thing.” My parents had been considered sexually progressive in their day and I was rather proud of their unique form of passing. It was the only thing I was proud of them for.
“Your parents wanted a boy.”
I snorted. “Again, anyone who knows them knows that.” How embarrassing. He knew?
“So tell me how I can prove it to you then? Ask me a question.”
I thought for a second. “Who invented traffic wardens?”
“Easy, that was Azazel, but how would you know that? You were banished well before they came along.”
“I didn’t, I was just curious,” I replied.
“Does it matter who I am?”
Yes it did. I’d seen Abaddon once at one of Satan’s parties. It had been a really special event and the one and only time my parents had deigned to take me anywhere. I’d been bored rigid, of course, and furious that my mother had made me wear a dress. I’d sought revenge by adding gold fish to the punch. Unfortunately, the 200 proof vodka had done for them and after five minutes they had floated limply to the surface. I hadn’t realised until screams came from the refreshment table and one particularly weak individual had puked up. My mother had put two and two together and dragged me unceremoniously out of the room, almost running over Abaddon, and the beautiful blonde he was with, in her haste to remove me from the scene of the crime. I had been mortified that my mother had been treating me like a child in front of the sexiest demon I’d ever seen but I’d daydreamed about a completely different first meeting for months afterwards. Obviously the blonde didn’t feature in it at all.
And now he might be in my head. A nuclear reaction was going off in my knickers and I fought to get myself under control. Who knew what thoughts he had access to in there.
“No, but I’d like to know how you got in my head. Did Satan send you? Does he want me to come home?” Hope flared in my chest.
He didn’t chuckle this time, he belly laughed. I was getting seriously pissed off now.
“What’s so funny?” I snapped.
“As I recall, Satan said he’d have you back ‘when hell freezes over’. I guess he’s pretty confident that that won’t happen again anytime soon.”
I had to smile.
“He’s still mad about that, huh?”
“He’ll get over it. Eventually. Maybe in another millennia or so.”
“So how come you’re in my head then, if he didn’t send you?” I sat back against the headboard and crossed my legs.
“Okay, well, if I tell you, you have to promise to stay calm.”
“How bad can it be? Come on, out with it.”
“I’m the demon you trapped.”
“Oh!” Thoughts started fighting for attention in my head. Was he really Abaddon? How did he get in to my head? Could he get out of the vial? What would he do if he did? Most importantly, if he was who he said he was, how the fuck had Daniel and I managed to get one of the most powerful demons in Hell in to the vial in the first place? It didn’t make sense!
“Your blood somehow seeped into the vial. I was hungry.”
“You drank my blood?”
“There wasn’t enough to drink, but it did taste delicious…slightly…sinful. Fancy donating some more?”
I ignored the question. “So that’s how you can talk to me now? You drank my blood?”
“Natalia, you know how demons bind themselves to each other; this shouldn’t come as a surprise to you.”
“So how do I get you out of my head?”
“You can’t, you’re bound to me now.”
“No fucking way!” My jaw dropped in surprise.
“Way! Sorry to break it to you!”
“Would you consider just leaving?”
“Yes, if you let me out of the vial.”
I thought about it for a second then laughed at myself. He was a demon who I had helped trap. Letting him out would not be my brightest idea.
“Then get used to me hanging around then.”
I scooted down the bed and pulled the covers over myself, right up over my head. I would simply ignore him. Easy, peasy.
“100 bottles of beer on the wall, one hundred bottles of beer…”
You have got to be fucking kidding me.
“I love that song,” I said, hoping to side track him. It didn’t.
He sang for what felt like hours. After the fiftieth rendition, there was silence. I opened my eyes and listened intently. Was he still there?
“You know, you have beautiful breasts.” His throaty chuckle echoed in my head.
Arggh!
“Once more from the top! Ninety nine bottles of beer…”
By six o’clock the next morning, I couldn’t take any more. Abaddon had sung the same song, over and over again, until I was sure my ears would bleed. There had to be a way to get this bastard out of my head.
I jumped out of bed and headed for the shower just as Abaddon launched into another verse of ninety nine bottles of beer. He was up to number fifty six. For the seventieth time.
“You know, if you’re going to hang around, we seriously need to work on your repertoire,” I snapped as I turned on the shower and waited for the water to warm up. I needed to feel the hot spray of the water to calm myself down. Listening to a demon sing off key all night tends to get the muscles a little tense.
“Oh? You don’t like it? Then let me out of the vial,” he replied, cheerfully.
“If you keep it up, I promise you I will throw the vial into the deepest part of the ocean and you will never get out!”
“Oh? You want me in your head forever do you? I’m so touched!”
Ignoring him, I stepped under the water and languished in the feel of it bouncing off my skin, the heat soothing my tired and bunched muscles.
“Enjoying yourself? Why not really enjoy it, put on a nice show for me?”
My shoulders sagged. I won’t respond, I thought. He’s trying to bait me.
“Go on Natalia, you know you want to…how long has it been? Just touch yourself for me, baby,” he chuckled. The sick fuck was really enjoying this.
I slammed out of the shower and instantly transformed into my leathers. I needed help.
I needed Daniel and Lauren.
I landed in the living room and almost ended up on my arse. My concentration was off and I’d almost landed on the table, having to quickly swivel to the left to avoid it and losing my balance.
The house was silent. They were all still in bed but I couldn’t wait any longer and ran up the stairs, thumping on Daniel’s bedroom door. Within seconds, a semi naked Daniel pulled the door almost off its hinges and glared at me.
“Natalia!” He looked at me, shocked. “What’s going on?”
“I need your help, there’s a demon inside me.”
“Let me out of the vial and I’ll show you how being inside you can be really fun!” Demented chuckling followed Abaddon’s declaration. At least he’d stopped singing.
Daniel sighed and scratched his head. “Give me a minute, go make coffee,” he said as he shut the door in my face. I’d just told him I had a demon inside me and he wanted me to make coffee? I was definitely putting salt in his.
I walked back down the stairs just as Selina came to the door of her room, rubbing her eyes.
“Are you ok Nat? What’s happening?”
“Sorry for waking you, I have a little emergency,” I said, turning and making my way down the stairs.
“Oh it’s not so little, Natalia. Let me out and I’ll show you,” Abaddon said, throatily.
I pressed my lips together, determined to ignore him.
I’d just filled the kettle and switched it on when Agnes materialised in front of me.
“What’s going on? I felt a disturbance in the ether.” She stood, hands on hips and glaring at me as if it was my doing. Just then the others arrived, bleary eyed and a little hung over from the night before.
“Nat, what’s going on?” Selina asked as she came over to me, touching my arm in concern. I swear I almost burst in to tears and that scared me more than having a perverted demon stuck inside my head. Agnes was right; I was being infected with humanity. This wasn’t good.
Selina took one look at my face and guided me to a chair. I let her. Oh, I had it bad!
“The demon we captured? He’s in my head.”
“Start from the beginning,” Lauren said, taking a seat beside me and capturing my hand in hers. I didn’t know how much more of this I could take.
“Geordie found the vial and was going to open it so I took it off him and I bled on it and Abaddon drank my blood and now he’s in my head and he won’t shut the fuck up!”
“Abaddon?” Daniel’s eyes were like saucers.
Abaddon chuckled. “Ahh, fame!”
“Oh eye, a might of known ad get the blame like!” Geordie’s arm was hanging over the open drawer where Daniel kept the tea-towels. Obviously still not allowed to sleep in the same room as Selina, then.
“This isn’t about blame, stop being so touchy!” Selina picked him out and put him on the table where he climbed into his little arm chair and slouched down, his fat little tummy sticking out as his pyjama top rode up. I shuddered.
“How did your blood get in the vial?” Agnes asked, ignoring Geordie.
“I pricked my finger when I tried to stop Geordie caving his head in when he fell of the table.” I turned to glare at Geordie. “I should have let you fall you little fucker!”
“That really hurts me feelins. Not!” he snapped back, scratching his balls.
“Nat, did you say Abaddon?” Daniel interrupted.
“Yes! ‘Master of the great abyss’, that Abaddon!” I snapped at Daniel.
“Ninety seven bottles of beer on the wall….” Abaddon continued where he’d left off.
“I still don’t understand. How did your blood get in the vial?” Lauren dragged my attention back to her.
“I touched the vial, I don’t know, it must have seeped through the cork.”
“I know what I’d like to do with the cork!” Abaddon sniggered.
“Shut the fuck up!” I snapped.
Lauren looked at Selina, clearly confused. She had no idea how confused I was.
“Is he talking to you now?” Daniel took a seat beside me and rubbed my back. I swear much more of this compassion lark and I was going to have to annihilate a small country.
“He won’t let me think! He won’t shut up! I’ve tried ignoring him but it doesn’t work. He’s been singing to me all night, and he’s a lousy singer!”
“Now that’s just plain nasty, Natalia. A caring demon would be hurt by comments like that.”
“Can you banish him?” Lauren looked at Daniel hopefully.
“It shouldn’t be a problem, let me get my Athame.” He turned to leave and Agnes stopped him.
“You can’t banish him” she said, looking worried.
“Why not?” Daniel looked at her in consternation.
“Just trust me; it wouldn’t be a good idea.” Agnes folded her arms and pursed her lips.
Lauren stepped forward. “Agnes, what’s going on?”
Agnes flushed and took a seat.
“Spit it out!” Lauren was losing her patience. I looked at Agnes, a gnawing feeling taking hold of my stomach. The shit was about to hit the fan.
“Because Natalia is also a demon and you will banish her too.”
Lauren gasped and Selina sat down heavily in a chair.
“You’re a demon?” Lauren spun round and faced me, a look of hurt betrayal on her face.
“Stop being so fussy,” snapped Agnes. “All familiars are demons of one sort or another. Natalia’s just a little higher up the food chain!”
“What? You mean my Geordie is a demon as well?” Selina went white.
“Here we fuckin go!” Geordie threw his hands up in the air.
“Why didn
’t you tell me?” Lauren looked at me like I had spat in her coffee and I instantly recoiled. She was disgusted by me?
“Does it make a difference?” I asked, warily.
“Look, let’s all calm down and discuss this rationally,” Agnes said as she touched Lauren’s arm. “All familiars are demons. Usually they’re animal in spirit but Natalia was born of humans who became demons so her true form is human, not rat or any other sort of animal.”
I looked at Agnes as a thought occurred to me. “How did I convert to a rat?”
Agnes blushed. “I sensed you around the house for weeks before that night, Natalia. I also sensed your power. I needed your help so I sort of…might have just a little…”
“Spit it out!” I was getting madder by the second.
“Alright! I made you appear and I made you appear as a rat!”
I looked at her, confused. “Why a rat?” This didn’t make sense.
“Because I thought if things didn’t go as I’d thought they might, then at least Daniel’s cat could kick your arse!”
I laughed at this and Daniel raised an eyebrow at me.
Lauren still hadn’t spoken but she was looking at Agnes now, fury written all over her face.
“Agnes, I can’t believe that yet again you have been hiding something from me.”
“I’m sure she did it for the right reasons,” Selina said, jumping to Agnes’ defence. “And it all turned out alright in the end, didn’t it?”
Lauren glared at Selina then turned back to me. “So how come you were hanging around the house?”
Daniel came to stand behind her in solidarity and I looked from one to the other.
I told them everything, how I’d been kicked out of Hell, spent three centuries wandering earth without my powers and then finally how I’d seen Lauren and been drawn to her. It took some time. Especially since Abaddon hadn’t given up butting in and trying to have two conversations at once was draining me.
Eventually, Selina stood up and went to the kettle to finish making the coffee I hadn’t gotten round to.
“What I don’t understand is how your powers were returned to you,” Lauren said, finally. She didn’t look mad any more but she still didn’t look happy.