by Unknown
I was sick of trying to defend myself. “Well when you figure it out, please do put it in a letter and post it to Hell, care of Who Gives a Shit!” I snapped.
“Look, does it matter?” Selina turned from the bench, two cups of coffee in her hands.
“Yes it bloody well does,” snapped Lauren, jumping up. “Unless you’ve all forgotten, we’ve not long ago been through hell and back because three demons wanted to rip me a new one!”
“They weren’t demons, Lauren, they were damned souls,” Agnes corrected. It didn’t help.
I saw the fury in Lauren’s face and a stone landed in my stomach. I guess this human friendship thing came with strings; one of them being you had to be a human.
Not being able to take any more, I transported out of there.
I transported back to my bedroom and headed straight for the cabinet where Abaddon’s vial was stashed and pulled the drawer open with such force it flew out of its housing, spilling the contents all over the floor.
I scrabbled on my hands and knees, desperately moving old photos and bottles of deodorant out of the way, looking about desperately for the vial. I bent down and checked under the bed and sure enough, it had rolled to about half way in. I stretched my arms as far as I could but just managed to push it further the other way. In frustration, I pulled out my arms and grabbed the bed in both hands, tossing it in to the air. It landed with a thump on the far side of the room and I shuffled forwards until my fingers closed around the glass bottle.
Then I got the hell out of Dodge.
3 - Reaching an agreement
Abergwili is a small village in Camarthen, Wales and said to be the final resting place of Merlin. I’m pretty sure Merlin would find this amusing since he’d never had a day’s rest since the day he’d passed away. Satan was a hard task master. Abergwili was also the home town of one Gerwyn Pryce, the most powerful witch alive. I’d tracked him down when we’d needed help with Lauren’s little problem and now I was hoping he could help me.
I shoved the vial deep in to my pocket as I marched purposefully down the road towards his shop. As well as being a witch, Gerwyn ran a small butchers called ‘Ryte Pryce’. It sat opposite the pub on what they referred to as the High Street. This was also a source of amusement since the post office, the pub, the general store and the butchers were the only retail establishments in the village.
I stood outside the shop and looked through the window. Gerwyn was behind the counter, chatting happily as he served a little old man in a flat cap. I watched as he man-handled a lump of beef into a strip of wax paper and popped it into a plastic bag. I walked in and the brass bell above the door rang merrily. Gerwyn, dressed conservatively as a man, was a sight to behold and while he dressed as a woman most of the time, I was pretty sure he wasn’t gay. Looking like he did, dressed as a man, I was also convinced he would be a real hit with the ladies.
“Five pounds for a lump of meat, what’s the world coming to? Time was you could buy the whole cow for that,” grumbled the old man as he put his joint of beef into his flowery shopping bag. I gave him the benefit of the doubt and assumed it was his wife’s.
“Come on now, Mr. Jones, we have this conversation every time you come in. I tell you what, you buy me a cow for a fiver and I’ll give you the sirloin for free, how’s that?” Gerwyn smiled as the old man pulled the door open fiercely, almost knocking the bell to the floor.
“And how can I help you, ma’am?” he said turning to me then turning instantly white. He untied his apron and came round the counter, dragging me by the arm. “Natalia, what are you doing here?”
He pulled me in to a small back office and I worried that the hand he’d been handling meat with was now firmly attached my arm.
“I need your help, Gerwyn,” I answered. I looked him up and down and winked. “You make a lovely woman, Gerwyn, but you’re a hot man!” I smirked as he flushed.
“Stop teasing,” he retorted. “What do you mean, you need my help? What’s going on?” Gerwyn sat down on the rickety chair behind the desk, looking at me, worry written in the lines of his face.
I took a seat on the edge of his desk then spent the next ten minutes explaining everything that had happened, bringing him up to speed. When I finished, he sat back in his chair and sighed.
“So what do you need me for?” he asked.
“I need you to make me a portal so I can do a deal with Satan.”
“You know that’s not a good idea, Natalia.” He stared at me. I met his eyes resolutely and finally, with a groan, he caved.
“What kind of deal are you talking about?” he sat up and rested his arms on the table.
I sighed. “I’m not sure yet. I figured returning one of the most prized Lords of Hell would at least buy me a return ticket home. At the very least, he could break the bond and get the fucker out of my head.”
Abaddon chuckled in my head. “Good luck with that one!”
“What? You would leave us?” Gerwyn stood up so quickly his chair fell over.
“Gerwyn, have you listened to anything I’ve said? They. Do. Not. Want. Me!” I stood up and stomped around the room in frustration.
Sorry lovely, but I’m not buying that steaming pile of dog turd. They love you!”
“Yeh, maybe, before they knew I was a demon.”
“What about Agnes? She knew already, she loves you!” He rubbed my arm. It felt nice. I wanted to stick a hot needle in my eye.
“Gerwyn, I know this is going to come as a shock, but she’s dead. She won’t be around that much. Besides, she’s right. Being around humans is affecting my psyche. I’m turning soft. Pretty soon, I won’t be able to go back at all.”
Gerwyn rolled her eyes theatrically. “Would that be such a bad thing?”
I looked at him, confused. How could I explain this to him?
“Gerwyn, I am a demon, I will live forever, unless Abaddon decides to chuck me in to the abyss.”
“Don’t rule it out!”
“Try it, big guy!”
Gerwyn looked at me, both horrified and confused.
“Sorry, he won’t shut up sometimes. Anyway, the point I am trying to make is…your life expectancy is what? Another sixty years at best? Sixty years from now, the people I’ve come to consider my friends will be gone any way. I will be here alone. And I will be more human than Demon. At least in Hell, I won’t be losing anyone, least of all myself.”
“Friends? Humans?” Abaddon said, shocked. “Are you mad?” I ignored him.
Gerwyn stroked his chin and turned his back on me. Then he turned around and raised an eyebrow.
“What is so special about Hell that you would trade sixty years of friendship for it? If you can explain that, then I’ll gladly help you go home.”
“Free beer, loose women, sex, drugs and rock and roll!” Abaddon shouted.
I ignored him again and concentrated on Gerwyn.
“Alright, look at it this way, that would be sixty years of madness. I’d have to live with Abaddon in my head and right now, I am seriously on the brink of losing it.”
“Then you try to trade, but you trade for what you really want. Abaddon out of your head.”
“You cannot seriously want to stay here,” Abaddon said, flabbergasted.
Gerwyn finally agreed to help me but he couldn’t create the portal until closing time. In the meantime, I didn’t want to return to Newcastle and the lynch mob so Gerwyn kindly let me bunk down at his house.
I’d spent the last four hours arguing with Abaddon who was trying to convince me to let him out and let him do the deal with Satan. He was adamant I needed to return to Hell and not just try to get the bond removed. Why he was so worried about me going back was beyond me but fighting had worn us both out and for the last hour, he’d been silently fuming. I was grateful for the rest but it had just left me free to think about Lauren and how angry she’d been. She was the first friend I’d ever had and I picked at the hurt like a scab over a wound, worrying it until it bled
. How could someone care about you one minute and despise you the next? I wondered what would happen with Selina and Geordie. Would she kick him to the curb too? The little man was nothing but trouble but he was our little trouble and I hated to think of him alone and hurt. This being compassionate lark was a killer. Maybe I should just go home and, eventually, I wouldn’t give a shit about anyone but myself. At least it wouldn’t hurt.
At long last, I heard a key in the door and jumped up, rushing to the hall. Gerwyn was home and we could finally create my portal.
“Hey sweetness, sorry it took so long. Bloody delivery turned up late! Did you make yourself at home?”
I raised an eyebrow and smiled. “Can we just forget the social chit chat and build me a portal?”
“In a hurry are we?” he frowned at me as he took off his coat and hung it in the closet under the stairs.
“I can’t take any more of Abaddon the gob shite. He’s done my head in.”
“Oh? What’s he saying?”
I shrugged. “Nothing important.” I felt Abaddon’s anger boiling away inside me. Tough titty, I wasn’t about to start caring about his feelings as well as everyone else’s.
“Well, you have to wait down here for five, my lovely. I need to get changed first.”
I huffed and went back in to the living room, pacing the floor impatiently. Now that I’d made the decision, I just wanted to get on with it.
“You’ve still got time to change your mind, Nats,” Abaddon said.
“I thought you’d be bloody pleased. This could mean your freedom!”
“Yeh, well, sometimes doing deals with Satan…things don’t always turn out the way you’d expect.”
“What are you worried about? It won’t be your neck on the line!”
“Nats, I am BOUND to you! When will you get it into your skull that a binding cannot be undone? Even by Satan! And since I am bound to you, if something happens to you, it happens to me too!”
“You know, for a minute I thought you cared,” I snapped, mocking him.
Gerwyn came rushing in to the room, dressed in a lovely black sequined evening dress with her usual full length gloves. She had obviously rushed with the makeup and if I didn’t have more pressing issues, I would have sat her down to do it properly.
“Alright, my lovely, come in to the kitchen. The potion leaves a nasty mark on the carpets and I really don’t want to have to explain another stain to the neighbours.”
She walked ahead and I followed her into the miniscule kitchen. I leaned against the bench as Gerwyn pulled open cupboards and dropped strange coloured bottles on to the small table.
“Now you’re sure you’ve thought this through?” she asked, looking at me as she slammed a cauldron down and started opening bottles.
“Absofuckinglutely,” I said, resolute. Why did everyone question my judgement?
“Alrighty, then just a couple of shakes of a duck’s tail and we’ll be ready to send you back. Do you know how to get out of there if you need to?”
“Nope, but I’m sure you can tell me.”
She shook her head in despair and reached for a container on the top shelf of the cupboard. It was a deep violet colour and seemed to shimmer in the bottle. “The quickest way is to make you another potion. You’ll never remember the chant in time, especially if you get stressed.”
I watched Gerwyn as she worked, a studious expression on her face. She started chanting over the cauldron, tipping in a drop of this and a drop of that then stirring with a wooden spatula. After a moment, she poured the resulting black liquid into a funnel connected to a small, glass vial. She then cleaned out the cauldron with a rag and started again, adding ingredients, stirring and chanting. She picked up the violet bottle and pulled out the stopper, tipping the bottle gently to release a single drop of the swirling liquid into the cauldron. Steam billowed out over the edges then cleared, leaving behind a sea blue liquid. She poured this carefully into another bottle and pushed a cork into the top then turned and handed it to me.
“Now you be careful with that one, it works quickly so if you smash the bottle by accident, you’ll be in and out faster than a seventeen year old virgin.”
“Speaking from experience, there, Ger?” I sniggered as I popped the vial into my right pocket, the vial containing Abaddon securely in my left. I wasn’t suspicious but I didn’t trust both vials in the same location. You never knew what could happen.
Gerwyn slapped my arm playfully. “Less of the cheek, missy! Now move your tremendous arse out of the way so I can make you a portal.”
I stepped back towards the door, leaving a total floor space of what could only be two metres square. Gerwyn pulled a tub of salt out of the cupboard and poured it on to the floor in a circle, chanting as she went. When she’d finished, she picked up the vial of black liquid and looked at me, expectantly.
“You ready?”
“As ever,” I replied.
She poured the liquid into the circle and chanted. As before, the floor disappeared, leaving a black hole from which radiated tremendous heat. I peered over the edge, seeing nothing but blackness then looked up at Gerwyn, smiling.
“Don’t forget, it’s Abaddon you want rid of. You don’t come back and I swear I will come and get you myself,” she said, looking at me.
“I give you my word, Ger, I’ll be back.” I winked at her then stepped into the portal.
Hot air blasted past my face as I sped quickly downwards towards my destiny and I wondered, rather belatedly, whether or not I was making the right decision. Typical. I’d spent five hours desperately wanting to get to Hell and now I was on my way, I worried I was making the wrong decision. Another human failing to add to my growing collection. I gave myself a mental slap.
It seemed to take forever for the journey down to end and I was actually inspecting my nail varnish when the abrupt halt in my descent almost caused me to smack myself in the face.
I looked about for the mutt. To my utter astonishment, Cerberus himself had turned up to greet me, Satan’s most feared hellhound.
He stood there, black as night, his eyes glowing red and slobber dripping from his sharp teeth. With three heads, he could look in all directions at the same time but right now, all six eyes were trained on me and a wicked grin on all three mouths.
“Natalia, you know you shouldn’t be here.” He slobbered as he spoke.
“Nice to see you too. I’m touched that Satan sent his best.”
Cerberus yawned, treating me to a blast of his foul-smelling breath. “Flattery doesn’t work on me, Natalia, you should know that.”
I looked at him, exasperated.
“Now listen Rusty, you know why I’m here. You’re bound to take me to him, whether he wants to see me or not.”
I walked slowly over to him, coming to a stop two feet from him when the smell of his breath wouldn’t allow me any closer.
Cerberus laughed. “Natalia, I am only bound to take you anywhere if you have a soul to trade with. Yours, darling girl, already belongs to us and we don’t actually want it any way.”
“Ahh, but I have something else your dubious master will want,” I smiled and patted one of his heads. “I have Abaddon. Now, you run along like a good little doggie and tell his evilness I’m here.”
Cerberus laughed again. “You do know that Satan doesn’t want Abaddon back, don’t you?”
I looked at him, confused. Cerberus smiled, evilly.
He’s been doing the naughty with Lilith and our Master is not pleased!”
Abaddon roared in my head and I put my hands over my ears to block out the sound. It didn’t work of course.
“No way!”
Oh shit. There goes my bargaining chip. I would be having words with Abaddon, if I ever got out of this.
Cerberus laughed. All three heads wobbled in his mirth. He laughed so hard he had to sit down. Then he rolled on his back and laughed some more, his legs poking up in the air.
“Way!” he choked out.
> I stood, waiting for him to get himself under control but every time he looked at me, he went into fits of giggles. I crossed my arms and tapped my foot impatiently.
“Natalia, it’s not true, whatever he tells you, remember that,” Abaddon said in my head. I ignored him. I would deal with him later.
“Ahh, Natalia. Best laugh I’ve had in centuries!” Cerberus said, finally pulling himself together.
Just then, Lilith walked up behind him wearing a sheer black negligee and a cute pair of fluffy, high-heeled slippers, her long brown hair billowing around her head and her huge fake breasts almost spilling out of the top. A birthday present from Satan, or so I was told. The breasts, that is, not the negligee.
Cerberus pulled himself up sharply, standing to attention.
“Natalia, I would say it’s nice to see you, but I would be lying through my teeth,” she said, her bright red lip gloss curling into an evil smile as she wrapped her hands around Cerberus’ neck and ruffled his fur. He was as tall as Lilith in her heels.
“Lilith, please tell me you’re not still upset about the sand in your lubricant. I’ve apologised a million times,” I said, testily.
She arched her eyebrow and continued to pet Cerberus who did not look like he was enjoying it. I waited her out. If she and Abaddon had been doing the dirty deed, maybe she could be bribed to help me. She was obviously here for something.
“So, I hear you have Abaddon?” she said as she continued to pet the uncomfortable looking Cerberus.
“Do not make any deals with that bitch!” Abaddon warned in my head. I ignored him. I was mad at him for not giving me the full picture and second, I didn’t want to acknowledge him in front of Lilith. She might decide to keep me and get two for one.
“In a safe place, yes, but apparently Satan doesn’t want him back. Now what’s a girl to do?” I arched my own eyebrow and started thinking quickly on my feet. Lilith was as slippery as Satan but she obviously wanted Abaddon back. If I played my cards right, I could come out of this in one piece.