by Amy Chan
Who did you have to be for your mother growing up? Who did you have to be for your father? How did that shape who you are today?
Are there sides of you that you didn’t feel safe to express as a child? In past relationships? Were there parts of you that you felt shame around and had to hide?
Go to a blank page in your journal. Set a timer for ten minutes. Commit to writing without taking your pen off the paper, and let anything that comes to mind flow as words onto the page. Are you ready? The prompt is: “The truth I’ve been hiding is . . .”
As we’ve learned previously about shame, the more we hide, the more shame grows. Shame has power over us as long as we continue to bury it. To complete this exercise, think of someone you can trust, who you know will not reject you for telling the truth. Read your journal entry to this person.
PART 2: THE MASK
Did you grow up with an idea of who and how you “should” be? Whether this idea was crafted from the expectations of parents, cultural norms, or societal pressures, chances are there’s an image in your head around this, and the parts of you that don’t fit into that picture have been suppressed, hidden, or edited.
On the mask below, write down words to describe the person who you’ve learned that you “should” be. This is the mask you wear for the world—the “you” that is expected.
Next, write down words to describe parts of you that you’ve hidden, parts that want to be expressed. Maybe they completely contradict the side that you have been showing to the world.
Now it’s time to pick a Domme name. This is your fully expressed self. She is all the things you’ve ever wanted to be, all your sides. Choose a name that encapsulates her. Using the outline below, write adjectives that describe her. Some of the words may contradict—that’s perfectly okay! Be bold and unafraid to describe your integrated self, uninhibited, fully expressed—the you that is inside you, wanting to come out. Bring her to life below.
PART 3: VISUALIZE YOUR INNER DOMME IN ACTION
Recall a scenario in the past in which you felt you lost your power. What happened, and most important, how did you react? Picture yourself: How were you standing? What was the expression on your face? How did your voice sound? How did you feel?
Use your imagination to envision your Domme self. How does she live, express love, and connect to others? How does she handle rejection? How does she walk into a room? How does she get what she wants? How does she handle boundaries?
Now, close your eyes and revisit the scenario you described in number 1. How would your Domme self handle that same situation? Replay the scenario in your head, but this time, approach the situation as a fully realized, powerful Domme.
My challenge to you is to channel your inner Domme at least once a day. Maybe you’re at a restaurant and you get the wrong order, and your “should-be” self doesn’t want to cause inconvenience. That’s the moment you channel your inner Domme. What would she do in that situation? Channel her when you need some extra oomph to draw boundaries, ask for what you want, walk taller, flirt with the handsome guy next to you on the train—any situation where you want to draw out your fierce, raw, sensual, confident, playful, powerful self. She’s in you. You just need to let her out. She’s begging you to release her.
STOP GIVING AWAY YOUR POWER
Power is not something you can fake—at least, not for long. Power isn’t about how long you wait to text back or how aloof you appear in those messages; power is an energy that can be felt. Power is not about perfection. When you are operating from a place of fear or neediness—when you’re putting out an energy that you need someone else to fill what is missing inside you—you are not in your power.
The previous chapters of this book have educated you on the wounds that create this type of codependence and have shown that as you keep working on yourself, you create a stronger foundation. This means that the more you become your own source of validation, love, peace, and abundance, the sturdier the ground you stand on and the more powerful you become. That is a work in progress; it doesn’t happen right away. In the meantime, you need to find ways to practice standing in your power. I’ve outlined some common situations that may arise when you can practice responding in an empowered way.
Meet the Urge with a Pause
The second you feel that urge to grasp, to chase, to do something drastic, or to create finality out of a situation instead of allowing it the space and time to unfold—this is your signal to pause. Often when we feel emotion—whether that be angst, fear, or hunger for validation—the reaction is to get rid of that discomfort by taking immediate action. So, we distract, medicate with substances, or reach out to the person we feel is the source of that discomfort (or the medication for it) and, like a game of emotional hot potato, assign him the job of giving us relief. Of course, the person on the receiving end feels your neediness on an unconscious level and likely doesn’t respond the way you want. Then that original discomfort grows and you become hungrier, more desperate, less powerful. For example, when you get in an argument with your partner, do you send a reactive email or engage in emotional verbal vomit? You might think you’re trying to solve the issue, but what you’re really doing is reacting to your feelings. You’re trying to soothe yourself by seeking a reaction from the other person. As long as you keep reacting to those feelings of discomfort by outsourcing the relief to something external, you will not build your muscle for standing in your power. The simplest, yet the hardest, thing to do isto pause in these moments and do nothing. To get comfortable with discomfort is a practice, but an empowering one.
At Renew, each person receives a blank prescription pad upon arrival. Using all the tools they’ve learned at the retreat, during one session the women tailor their own prescription with soothing “medication” for use the next time they want to react. Using all the tools you’ve learned from the book so far—self-care, shaking your body for a state change, deep breathing—what can you prescribe yourself so the next time you want to react you don’t give your power away?
Match Your Level of Commitment with Reality
Let’s say you were unemployed. Think about how your state of being would be if you had two years’ worth of savings in the bank versus two weeks. The former would enable you to be relaxed about your employment situation, and you’d likely take that time to find the best next job for you. The latter situation would make you more desperate and more likely to accept the first position offered.
Let’s say you start interviewing, and one of the possible employers tells you they’re interested in moving to the next step of the interview process. Would you stop interviewing with all the other companies immediately? If you did, all your eggs would be in that basket. What if you never got another interview, much less a job offer? Where would this leave you?
Obviously, you should keep interviewing with as many companies as possible and, until you get an offer, not cut off other prospects. So why is it that so many of us apply such a faulty strategy when it comes to dating?
Many women (myself included) declare loyalty (albeit in our heads) when we like a guy, even though there’s been no talk about commitment or clear indicator that the other person is even as interested as we are.
“I want to keep my energy clear so that I don’t mess up my chances with this guy.”
“I don’t want to hedge—I like to jump in fully and put in a hundred percent.”
“I am naturally monogamous. I can’t like two people at once.”
Have you ever thought or said these things? I sure have. And you know what it got me? Obsessed over one person before he committed to me. I’d cut things off with people, stop dating, and laser focus on the apple of my eye, which would then accelerate my feelings and intensity of attachment to him. While we may have started off balanced in our feelings, the other person would unconsciously pick up my shift, and he would inevitably pull away if he wasn’t ready to be where I was. This would leave me yearning for more time, attention, commitment. You kno
w how the story ends.
The lesson here is this: When you start off in scarcity mode (i.e., that two-weeks-of-savings-in-the-bank mentality), you are going to be a lot more desperate and will likely take a bad deal and not negotiate your terms. You need the thing because you’re afraid it’s all you’ve got. No options = lack of power.
There Isn’t Just One, There’s Many
We’ve already discussed the myth of the soul mate and that there is more than one person out there for you. This may seem absurd—There’s nobody else like him, you might think, and for good reason! Perhaps you’ve been in a marriage of twenty years with someone and reached a level of comfort you won’t with anyone else; maybe you think you’ll never meet someone who will adore your quirks like he did or whose penis was just so perfectly equipped for your yoni.
And maybe that’s all true—you won’t find someone who’s just like him, but you will find someone who is amazing in his own way, and you’ll find new, special ways to connect. Remember when you were a kid and only had one BFF? You couldn’t imagine life without your BFF. I’m pretty sure you’ve met many extraordinary friends since then, who bring different values to the table and are unique in different ways.
Train yourself to get out of the “there’s only one” mentality. This is helpful in love relationships as well as in work connections, friendships—all relationships, really! Thinking there is only one of anything will catapult you into a scarcity mindset. In that state of fear, you will be desperate for whatever you think you can get—even if that means settling for someone below your standards.
Build Your Abundance Mindset Muscle
Part of having an abundance mindset is knowing your worth and value, and that if you connected with one person, you’ll be able to connect with many more. It’s also about trust and having faith that sometimes, when you’ve done your part, the rest can be left up to the universe. Pay attention to flow versus resistance—this is the universe leaving you signs. Flow is a green light. Resistance is a red light telling you to stop, to not press the pedal for more gas.
Resistance does not mean you should exert more energy to get what (you think) you want. Resistance is a sign that a pause and a reassessment are required.
So how does this translate from theory into tactical steps? The next time you’re upset and want to send an angry email, write a draft and give it forty-eight hours so you can reread it when you’re in a nonactivated state and can reassess. If you want to see someone and you keep hearing excuses, step back and let things breathe. When someone isn’t showing up for you, remind yourself how awesome you are and that there are plenty of others who will appreciate you and reciprocate.
Stop chasing. The right one won’t require you to catch him.
How to Win the Power Struggle When Men Pull Away
Boy likes girl.
Girl likes boy.
Boy pushes girl away.
Girl chases boy.
(You know what happens next.)
The seesaw of power dynamics in a relationship is common, and you may find yourself more often the “distancer” or the “pursuer” of intimacy and connection. The distancer responds to relationship stress by moving away from her partner. She wants physical and emotional distance from the other. The pursuer does the opposite, moving toward her partner with urgency to seek closeness, connection, and repair.
Men are more likely to be distancers, and women, pursuers. One hypothesis is that men are more physiologically sensitive to stressful stimuli and withdraw as a way to self-soothe. Another argument is that men are socialized to be less dependent, whereas women are socialized to be more affiliative and seek closeness.2 Neither pattern is wrong, but the dynamic can become toxic when both partners become entrenched in their roles of pursuer and distancer.
Part of your practice of staying in your power is to not attach your self-worth to the fluctuations of the seesaw. Staying in the cycle only perpetuates it. Stop the cycle by redirecting your focus from getting him to respond and shift that energy inward. This is your opportunity to practice being more secure in your attachment and getting comfortable with real autonomy. If both partners can have compassion for each other’s needs during this time of conflict, it’s possible for the relationship to grow stronger.
Understand That Distancing Is a Coping Mechanism Learned from Childhood
Many people are reliving their terrible twos—a developmental stage where the child tests boundaries, bounces between exerting independence and acting clingy, and tries to communicate without having the emotional vocabulary to do so. How the child’s caregivers respond can significantly impact how the child learns to deal with getting their needs met. The child may learn that throwing tantrums is the only way to have their needs attended to, or they may withdraw in shame when scolded. These repeated reactions eventually turn into patterns that become their default programming of dealing with conflict, uncomfortable emotions, and confrontation as an adult.
If your partner is distancing, remember that it’s not personal and have compassion that he’s likely acting out his wounding from childhood. Find a time when you’re both feeling connected to have a conversation about your different communication styles. The timing of this conversation is key—you don’t want to have it when you’re in the midst of a fight. When you are both in a calm state, you can converse without being defensive and guarded, and you can come up with a plan for how to communicate more effectively the next time a moment of disconnection occurs.
Do Not Scold
If you feel provoked by his distance and react by scolding, demanding, or criticizing, the man will stonewall, shut down, or pull away even more, according to leading marital researcher and author Dr. John Gottman.3
One theory as to why this occurs is that men are sensitive to being attacked because they have retained the wiring of prehistoric times, when they were constantly on alert for predators. The defense and survival skills were fight or flight. Thousands of years later, men still have this wiring, and when they have an emotionally charged discussion, the same stress hormones flood their systems. Too much emotion creates a physical response—“I have to get out of here”—and he will run from intimacy to create distance.
According to Dr. Shelley Taylor, a psychology professor at the University of California, Los Angeles, women have a different response to stress; they are more likely to “tend and befriend.” This response is encouraged by the female reproductive hormone oxytocin and endorphins, which are released in women when feeling stress.4 Scolding can be received as an attack, and you want to be associated with safety—the opposite of danger.
Step Out of the Game or Change It
During the beginning phase of courtship, you may find that contact, effort, and making time for each other are reciprocal. Or you may experience being pursued, and the overwhelming amount of attention and recognition set your expectations for what you think is going to be the norm. But right when you’re comfortable in this newfound cadence of pleasure, he starts to pull away. The inconsistency creates anxiety and you try to pull away. Once you do, guess who comes back? Maybe in the form of an Instagram comment, a sweet text, or a full-blown love bombing. Your partner reengages and you’re back to a state of elation. Maybe the previous drop-off was just a blip, you think. Until he does it again. Hot. Cold. Repeat. The cycle keeps going and going, until you decide to stop playing, like for real real.
You need to determine if this is in fact a “blip” or if it’s a chronic pattern.
A blip is when your partner is emotionally invested and has the intention of growing the connection, but is scared. You can tell the difference if he’s willing to communicate and have an open conversation around the fear he’s experiencing. With communication and compassion, your connection will continue to move forward. A chronic pattern, on the other hand, reverts to the cold phase as the norm, where he provides bread crumbs of intermittent hope—just enough to keep you from starving, but never full. Whether he’s consciously or unconscious
ly doing this, the root of the hot/cold behavior is control. With him controlling the pressure valve, he can feel the love and connection when he wants and dial it back without getting hurt. When it’s a chronic pattern, the only way to stop the cycle is to get out of it. You’re worthy of a relationship that doesn’t keep you guessing all the time, and the longer you continue feeling like love is just beyond your grasp, the more desperate and disempowered you get.
But—But . . . He’s Amaaaazing
If you’re dating someone who you think is absolutely amazing but you feel far from amazing because he doesn’t prioritize you, pushes you away, or disappears for chunks of time, here’s a news flash: he’s not amazing for you. I have no doubt the guy is awesome—maybe he’s handsome, successful, and rescues dogs in his spare time. That’s great! But what matters in a partnership is that he is amazing to you and for you. See the difference? His being amazing in isolation does not matter.
Inconsistency is not amazing. Lack of follow-through is not amazing. Showing up in a loving way only when it’s convenient for his schedule is not amazing. He’s likely not a bad person, but if someone is not available, ready, and willing, the amount of energy you will need to exert to convince him to want something he does not is going to be exhausting for you. And it isn’t going to work.
Get Grounded. Redirect Your Attention.
If you’re in the cold phase of this cycle, you might feel powerless. I can empathize with how uncomfortable this is. But this is where you get an opportunity to practice standing in your power. That’s right—you get to practice staying grounded and remembering your worth, regardless of how the other person is showing up. Right now, your attention is flowing outward toward what he is and isn’t doing. This attention outward is causing your anxiety and helplessness to grow, leading to a state of scarcity. And we now know that scarcity means desperation, and desperation means powerlessness. You need to redirect that attention inward. Focus on what you want and need and what you can do to fill your own love tank. Repeat after me: I am awesome. I am worthy of love.