by Amy Chan
If someone is distancing, do not let this take away your awesome! Do not fall into the trap of analyzing what is wrong with you or blaming yourself. When those insecure thoughts come in, use the hacks from this book to get out of the thinking trap, self-soothe, and return to the present.
Another great way to redirect your attention? Tune in to your sexual energy.
REAL TALK ABOUT SEX
Sexual energy is creative energy. Whether you call it your sexuality, your sensuality, your fire, or your light, this is the wild, free, uninhibited part of you. Whatever your gender, sexual orientation, age, or background, we all have it; it’s just that many of us are disconnected from it. And that’s okay. But just because that sexual energy may feel a little dull or even nonexistent at times, that doesn’t mean it’s dead. It just means you have an opportunity to reconnect to it, which requires intention, skill, and practice.
How did you first learn about sex? Did your parents have a conversation about it with you? Did you stumble on porn? Did you get shamed for touching your genitals? Did you have trauma around sex? We all have a story about how we learned about sex, and unfortunately, many of us never received a proper sex education, if any education on the topic at all. This is why at Renew, we have various coaches from tantra masters to sex educators teach about the topic.
We devote an entire morning to learning about sexuality from Amy Jo Goddard, a sexual empowerment coach and the author of Woman on Fire: 9 Elements to Wake Up Your Erotic Energy, Personal Power, and Sexual Intelligence, who has been teaching about feminism and sexuality for over two decades.
One by one the women share their challenges around sex. There are overlapping themes of sexual shame—around their bodies, around having (or not having) orgasms, and around feeling the pressure to have sex like a porn star in order to feel desired.
I’VE ALWAYS THOUGHT of sex as for someone else. I never thought of it as for myself.
THERE IS A common misconception that a woman’s orgasm is less important than a man’s.
I FEEL LIKE I need to want to have sex all the time in order for someone to be attracted to me. This is what we see in the movies. Men want women who always want to have sex. I feel I have to be that way.
I THINK THAT by having sex it will make the guy stay with me. It’s not about me and what I want.
I FEEL LIKE a lot of guys in my generation are imitating the porn they’ve been watching. It takes me out of the moment, and I don’t know how to push back on that without feeling boring.
Amy Jo empathizes, noting that it’s common for women to think of sexuality as a thing that is for someone else, as if sexuality is something to be performed: “First and foremost, your sexuality is for you. It is not for somebody else. You get to decide if there are people you want to share it with, and it’s awesome when you find those people—but it is for you. Even when in a relationship, it’s important to be your own sexual self and have your own sexual practices.”
Amy Jo discusses the cultural stories around sex and how spontaneous desire is positioned as the norm. She jokes about the typical sex scene in movies, where you don’t see any negotiation or talk about birth control or condoms: “Suddenly, we are naked, having mutual, mind-blowing, hanging-from-the-chandelier orgasms, and then we are smoking a cigarette and there is world peace. That is what we are told sex is supposed to be. But sex is impacted by our context.”
She calls this our sexual ecosystem, which comprises many different factors, from the dynamic with your partner to your thoughts and environment.
“If you are distracted in life and multitasking all the time and cannot be present with yourself or with your partner, you are going to have trouble in sex too. It is not like we go into the bedroom and magically things will happen differently. We carry exactly who we are being in our lives into our bedroom.”
Amy Jo’s talk empowers the women to rewrite their scripts around sex, and she shares different ideas on how to do so. She hands the women permission slips, encouraging them to give themselves permission to explore their sexuality, honor their desires that may be outside of typical cultural norms, and embrace their authentic sexual selves. Some ideas she suggests:
Give yourself a masturdate! Masturbating in front of a mirror can be a powerful way to tap into your sexual expression, says Amy Jo. Plan a night of pampering and lovemaking with yourself. Use toys, wear something you feel sexy in, play sensual music, and set the mood. Create a sexy environment to turn yourself on!
Initiate sex. Amy Jo discusses how with couples there’s usually one person who initiates sex, which can leave the other person “perpetually passive—responding to what is offered rather than going for what you want.” If you usually are more submissive, try being dominant. You now know how to channel your inner Domme. Play with different roles.
Create a sensual practice. Remember, you are responsible for your own turn-ons. Too often we make it someone else’s job to make us feel sexy. But what if you got into the practice of lighting your own fire, sparking your own desire, and awakening your own pleasure? Start with creating a sensual practice and explore what makes you feel sensual. Put on a sexy playlist and dance to it. Get some rose oil and slowly rub it over your neck and work into a breast massage. Stand naked in front of a mirror and touch your arms, your legs, your stomach. Adore and appreciate your body.
Talk about sex. Communication, negotiation, and curiosity are sexy! Have a judgment-free conversation about what your desires are, what turns you on, and what turns you off!
Learn about sex. Take initiative in your sex ed. Buy a book on the topic—check out the work from Amy Jo Goddard, Emily Nagoski, Michaela Boehm, Lauren Harkness, Regena Thomashauer (aka Mama Gena), and Esther Perel, to name a few. Try a tantra class, or go to a local sex shop and see what workshops it offers.
Make a yes, no, maybe list. Before you negotiate what you want sexually, it’s helpful if you have clarity on what you want and don’t want. What’s a fuck yes? What’s sexy, fun, and hot to you? What’s a fantasy you want to explore? Write it down. What’s an absolute no? Write it down. What’s in your maybe list? This is a possibility, perhaps something novel and exciting, that can be explored in the right context. Amy Jo advises that if it’s a maybe, it’s a no for right now, because a maybe is not a full-on yes. When it’s not a full-on yes, that’s when people end up regretting their sexual experiences, letting themselves sway into a yes when it wasn’t, and feeling badly after. This list is something you should review regularly. You might try something on your yes list and decide you don’t want to try it again, and it goes on your no list. This list is for you. It’s a tool to help you create clarity on how you want to play in your sexual playground. Use the template on the next page created by Amy Jo to map it out.
YES
MAYBE SOMEDAY
NO
Things I want to do or like to do sexually/romantically
Things I’ve thought about doing sexually/romantically but am unsure
Things I do not want to do sexually/romantically
_____________________
_____________________
_____________________
_____________________
_____________________
_____________________
_____________________
_____________________
_____________________
_____________________
_____________________
_____________________
_____________________
_____________________
_____________________
_____________________
_____________________
_____________________
Simone:
A THREESOME GONE AWRY
SIMONE IS A THIRTY-THREE-YEAR-OLD ENGINEER who had been in an on-again, off-again relationship for seven years with Rodney. He wouldn’t fully commit; they’d break up, then he’d love bomb his way back into her heart. She changed herself so much d
uring the relationship that by the time she came to Renew, Simone didn’t recognize herself anymore. She feared he’d abandon her and would constantly change herself in an effort to keep him.
“Rodney was a very sexually open guy. While I only had two partners before him, he had slept with tons of women. I felt like I had to push myself to be more sexually adventurous even though I wasn’t comfortable. He wanted to have a threesome, and even though I wasn’t into it, he kept bringing it up, and eventually I gave in.”
It did not go well.
“The threesome was with a woman he’d been with from his past, and the entire thing turned into a terrible, dramatic situation.”
While the threesome debacle should have been a clue for Simone to stop doing something that she was not comfortable with sexually, it didn’t end there. Rodney wanted to go further. He asked her to join a sex club.
“The threesome was just the beginning. Next he wanted to explore having foursomes, fivesomes . . . I filled out an application to join a sex club. I knew I didn’t like this—it didn’t make me excited or fill my spirit—but I did it anyway.”
Now that she’s out of the relationship, continuing with a coach and focusing her attention on building her relationship with herself, she feels a lot less stressed.
“It’s very stressful walking around being someone you’re not. It’s like wearing a mask. I now recognize why I did it and how it happened. It doesn’t happen right away. I was very much myself in the beginning, but then when I got invested, there was a switch, and then my fear of losing the person made me turn into someone else.”
When I asked her what’s different now, Simone shared: “The root of my patterns was that I didn’t like myself, let alone value myself. That’s now changing. It’s empowering knowing the things I know now, and my hope is that when I get into a relationship one day, I won’t cling on to someone like I did before.”
It’s been ten months since she’s spoken to Rodney. She marks every month on her calendar to keep track.
If you’ve been outsourcing your power, validation, and sense of self to other people all your life, it’s going to take some practice to stop, and it may feel unnatural at first. You can get there, and you’ve learned how. Now, it’s time to integrate. Each time you speak your truth, create healthy boundaries (and maintain them), walk away from the wrong fit, and choose compassion even when you’re hurt, you become stronger and more empowered. Soon, your energy begins to shift. People start to react differently to you. Your baseline changes.
In fact, humans have a natural instinct to be drawn to power. When you’re feeling grounded, abundant, and strong from the inside, it automatically radiates outward. Your posture shifts, your tone of voice becomes more authoritative, the amount of eye contact you make increases, the energy you emit changes from “I’m easy to take advantage of” to “I have a high bar of self-respect and won’t tolerate anything but kindness and honesty.”
This entire book has been about working on creating change from the inside out, so that you don’t have to fake confidence or put on an act to trick someone into liking you. Your power comes from within, and it doesn’t change whether you’re single, coupled, or anything in between.
This is power. When you tap into the source that’s been inside you all along.
HERE I AM, GIRL UNTAMED
Be more demure. Don’t swear. Men like girls who are feminine. Don’t show your crazy until you have a ring on your finger. Make sure you look pretty. Make sure he feels needed. Don’t cry in front of him. Wear makeup, but not too much. Be smart, but not too smart.
These kinds of messages have been ingrained in my head since I was a little girl—from my family, my peer group, society, culture, magazines, movies, television shows, and self-help books. In response, I worked hard to present the picture-perfect image of the woman I thought I was supposed to be in order to attract and keep a man. This was my priority. I just wanted to be someone’s wife, dammit!
Intent on my mission, I would hide the parts of myself that were not perfect. God forbid I exposed to a potential mate that I could get angry or sometimes feel sad, or that I felt destroyed when he liked me just a bit but never enough. So, I would morph into what I thought men wanted: submissive, nurturing, feminine, and helpless but simultaneously independent without needs or demands. Oh and of course, a hot Asian fantasy too. All at the same time.
And when a man treated me badly or rejected me, I would blame myself, analyzing what was wrong with me or what I was doing wrong. Get better. You’re not good enough the way you are. You’re too emotional. You’re too intense. You showed too much interest!
How many of you can relate to performing a game of emotional contortionism so that you could fit the mold preferred by the guy you liked? If so, you’ve probably been disappointed with the results. I know I have.
Lots of mini romances: intense beginnings, and abrupt endings. I tried listening to all the things I was told to do, and it didn’t work.
I am now left with . . . just me. Raw, vulnerable, intense, vibrant, emotional, analytical, opinionated, feminine and masculine, me. Not parts of me cherry-picked like a custom-ordered salad. But all of me.
I’m done adjusting, accommodating, and placating so I can attract someone who can’t handle my awesome. From the guy who didn’t like that I initiated sex after our date because “that’s a man’s job,” to the guy who told me that I was too analytical for his liking, to the guy who complained I cared about my career too much, to the guy who tried to convince me that if he were to “accidentally have casual sex with someone,” it shouldn’t end the relationship because he was emotionally monogamous.
LOVE WITH ANOTHER CANNOT EXIST WHEN YOU DO NOT HAVE LOVE FOR YOURSELF. THE EXTENT OF HOW MUCH YOU LOVE YOURSELF IS THE BAROMETER OF YOUR CAPACITY TO LOVE SOMEONE ELSE.
I’m no victim here. I acknowledge I was an active participant in all these scenarios. I take accountability for the sucker I was all those years, taking the discomfort of these men as signals that I needed to change, to tone down, to be more of what they wanted.
Ladies, bait and switch is not a sustainable strategy. If you don’t start acknowledging and loving all the parts of yourself—your shadows, your light, your bruises, and your scars—you will constantly be editing. You’re the entire package, not just the beautiful bow on top.
You are not “too much” or “too little” of anything. Loving yourself is acknowledging that you’re a perfectly flawed human, and that each and every one of us is a work in progress.
Love with another cannot exist when you do not have love for yourself. The extent of how much you love yourself is the barometer of your capacity to love someone else.
It’s time to create your new declaration of love—one that doesn’t require you to make yourself smaller, or more or less of anything that isn’t authentically you. Repeat after me:
Here I am, girl untamed.
If you want to be my partner, know that you better be able to match my awesomeness.
Know what you’re getting into—because my days of suppressing parts of my personality are over.
I love and feel deeply, intensely—and unapologetically.
I’d have it no other way.
I’m powerful, dominant, and wild.
I am both highly analytical and boldly emotional.
I’m not “too much” or “too little” of anything.
Don’t think that you can be drawn to my life force—and then punish me for the very emotional range that gives me the capacity to touch your heart.
I don’t need your money, your status—or to be your plus-one.
Because I’ve created all of that on my own.
I’m not looking for you to complete or validate me.
So no, I won’t need you—but I may choose you.
I’m not looking to tiptoe around your issues regarding intimacy.
If you’re going to dance with me—get ready to unearth those sides of you that have been long suppre
ssed too.
Because I want all of you.
I will not tolerate your bad behavior or chase you if you run from conflict.
But if you’re game, I will work through the tough parts with you when your inner child is freaking out.
I can’t promise it will be easy, but I do know it will be worth it.
Go through the fire with me.
I’ll hold your hand.
We’ll dance through the pain and rise through the flames.
This is the type of love worth creating.
9
The Secrets
How a person seems to show up for us is intimately connected to how we choose to show up for them.
Marianne Williamson
We’ve come a long way together. As you’ve processed the pain from your past, healed old wounds, and rewired patterns and unhelpful beliefs, you are now a different person. With your foundation strong, your self-worth high, and an arsenal of tools at your disposal to help you handle the ups and downs of life with resilience and empowerment, you are now ready to rethink your approach to relationships. To do so, we’re going to learn about the science of attraction and the art of connection.
As explored in this book, lust is the result of a chemical cocktail that, if mixed and stirred just right, can lead to a committed, bonded love.