Breakup Bootcamp

by Amy Chan

  If both men and women experience the same types of chemicals in the dating process, then why don’t more of those hot, steamy hookups turn into long-term, committed relationships? I’m often asked questions about the right time to have sex, and I hear stories of women counting the number of dates so they don’t “give it up too soon.” I also hear stories of women blaming themselves for having sex too early, thinking that if only they waited, maybe the guy would have stayed.

  There is no firm rule or an ideal amount of time that needs to pass before you have sex. Each person, each situation, and each context is going to be unique. What’s more important is for you to be conscious and intentional of whom you’re sharing the most intimate parts of yourself with—physically and emotionally. If you have a tendency to get attached quickly after getting intimate, then explore getting to know someone for a longer period of time, letting the bond and trust build before you dive in deeper. There is no one way, but there is research that suggests that men and women experience a different chemical cocktail after sex, which affects how they bond.

  To find out more, I interviewed the biologist and expert on the science of love Dawn Maslar. She hypothesizes that women fall in love differently than men do, and it has everything to do with how our brains are wired.

  HOW WOMEN FALL IN LOVE

  A woman needs a combination of dopamine and oxytocin to fall in love. Maslar explains that this is a gradual buildup until she hits a tipping point, chemically speaking. After she has an orgasm, a woman receives a surge of dopamine and oxytocin that can often push her past a point into love-love land. Here’s the play-by-play:

  Girl meets boy and goes on a date. She has a good time, and dopamine is released. She’s very attracted to him, so she gets a lot of dopamine (this makes her feel good, and she wants more). Girl and boy talk on the phone and she starts to think about him. Oxytocin (the bonding chemical) is released. They go on more dates, hold hands, and kiss, and more and more oxytocin floods her brain. Oxytocin is the neurotransmitter of trust, so she starts to feel more comfortable and safer with him. Now when they go on dates, without knowing they’re doing it, they’re staring into each other’s eyes for longer amounts of time, producing more dopamine. There’s a positive feedback loop where dopamine triggers more oxytocin, and oxytocin triggers more dopamine. The more oxytocin, the more she wants to be around him. The more the interactions are positive, the more dopamine is produced. All is wonderful, as these chemicals work in tandem. And then they have sex for the first time.

  Girl orgasms and a surge of oxytocin is released. It feels amazing, and they keep dating and having sex. Then one day, even though they’re technically still in the casual dating phase, girl can’t stop thinking of him. She only wants him and his commitment. She’s climbed the dopamine-oxytocin mountain up to the summit and has now fallen off the edge—she’s in love.

  HOW MEN FALL IN LOVE

  Men also experience this buildup of dopamine and oxytocin; however, it doesn’t affect them the same way as it does women. According to Andrew Trees, author of Decoding Love, oxytocin has a greater effect on women, while men also need a buildup of vasopressin. Vasopressin is often referred to as the “commitment hormone”; it’s been linked to monogamy for males and also appears to make men more possessive over their mates.1

  Maslar argues that for a man to fall in love, dopamine and vasopressin must build up over time until levels reach a tipping point, but this takes a longer amount of time for a man than a woman. She explains why: “First, men have much higher levels of testosterone than women, which blunts the bonding effects of oxytocin (technically speaking it blocks oxytocin’s ability to bind with the receptor).” Some Science 101: when a neurotransmitter can’t bind to a receptor, it blocks the neurotransmitter’s ability to affect the brain.2 Maslar uses this analogy to explain:

  “A receptor is like a reactive site. The neurotransmitter is a chemical messenger. They work together like a lock and key. Imagine there’s a door with a bunch of locks. Each lock needs a key for it to open. You can think of the neurotransmitters as the keys and the receptors as the locks. The neurotransmitters bind or attach to the receptors. It takes a certain amount of neurotransmitters triggering those receptors until they all are open. Once they all are open, the person falls in love.”

  So even if the man’s getting the same amount of oxytocin, it’s not impacting his brain as it would a woman’s.

  Vasopressin is a hormone linked to long-term attachment. It is needed for a man to bond and commit, but in order for him to feel the effects, the brain needs to have receptors for the neurotransmitter. The formation of these receptors takes time, and the process begins with the presence of the vasopressin, which sends a signal to the body saying, “We need receptors for all this vasopressin!” Same goes for oxytocin.

  Here are two play-by-plays of the male brain on love.

  Scenario One: Lust Turns into Love

  Boy meets girl and goes on a date. Boy wants to have sex and this sexual desire causes vasopressin to increase. But she doesn’t have sex with him . . . yet. So, he’s thinking about having sex with her (vasopressin is increasing). They Netflix and chill a lot, and their cuddle game is strong (oxytocin is increasing). While he’s eagerly waiting until she’s ready to go to third base, his receptors for vasopressin and oxytocin are building. After a period of time, he’s built up the receptors for vasopressin and oxytocin, which means when the neurotransmitters are present, they actually bind to the receptors, impacting his brain. He feels the bonding effects and wants to commit. His dopamine, oxytocin, and vasopressin have all built up; he’s climbed the mountain and has fallen over the tipping point and bam! He wants to go steady. The beginning.

  Scenario Two: Lust Stays at Lust

  Boy meets girl and goes on a date. Boy wants to have sex and this sexual desire causes vasopressin to increase. Girl has sex with him after their second date. His vasopressin and oxytocin rise after orgasm but so does his testosterone, so it blunts the effects of the bonding neurotransmitters. The day after, his feelings for her remain the same, while hers have skyrocketed. Girl starts to like boy more and more each time they have sex. After a few months, girl is in love and wants to be exclusive, but he doesn’t. The end.

  BLAME IT ON THE ORGASM

  We now know that when two people have sex, a host of chemical changes occur. Men get a jolt of testosterone during orgasm, which suppresses oxytocin. They also get a rush of dopamine, which is the addictive pleasure hormone (translation: they want more sex, but not necessarily with the same person). Women also get a jolt, but because they don’t get that same surge of testosterone, they are left with the bonding effects.

  For women, during an orgasm, there is a surge of oxytocin in the brain. It is what makes us want to cuddle and bond, breaks down emotional barriers, lowers our defenses, and increases our levels of trust and empathy. Women produce way more of it than men and will often mimic feelings of attachment whether that attachment is reciprocated or not. When he’s not around and she’s not producing as much oxytocin, her body will crave him.

  A woman’s body often can’t tell the difference between whether she is having casual sex or mating with the love of her life: the same hormones are being released and suppressed regardless. If you’re having sex with someone who has marriage potential, this is nature working for you; sex is helping the bonding process with that person. But if your intention is to keep it hookup-cool, don’t be surprised if you get the feels for the person afterward. Women are more likely to regret a hookup and experience shame afterward.3 Dr. Helen Fisher warns, “Don’t copulate with people you don’t want to fall in love with because indeed you may do just that. Testosterone can kickstart the two love neurotransmitters while an orgasm can elevate the attachment hormones.”4

  So, although you’re wired to fall more in love after orgasm, the guy is wired to have more sex. Oxytocin’s a bitch.

  FAKE DATING

  If the train doesn’t stop at your stati
on, it’s not your train.

  Marianne Williamson

  Perhaps the chemicals are to blame for the high amount of women I work with who are fake dating. This is when someone acts like she’s in a relationship, but there is no commitment from the other side. It can be tricky to spot, because consciously she might say that she’s okay with the casual dynamic and lack of label. But deep down inside, she’s only accepting this because she’s afraid that’s all she can get. Does this sound familiar?

  If you want a committed relationship, but have been casually dating someone for a year, hoping for something more, I hate to break it to you, but you’re likely “fake dating.” It’s an all-too-common story of giving the girlfriend experience to someone who refuses to be your boyfriend. You give more, invest more, and sacrifice more, hoping that he’ll eventually wake up and have an aha moment that you’re the love of his life. I interviewed a few men to get the DL of what really goes on in a guy’s head in these scenarios.

  CASUALLY DATING MEANS I don’t like her enough. If I’m not committing to her in the first few months when it’s the most exciting and fun, it’s unlikely I’ll commit a year later when the honeymoon phase has worn off. I casually dated a girl for five years. She said she was okay with it, but in retrospect, I knew she wanted more. I’d break it off for a few months whenever she’d express it was too much for her, or when I’d meet someone new and have a romance. When that fizzled out, I’d go back to her. The truth is I never liked her enough to want to commit, and no amount of time was going to change that.

  Peter, 37, New York

  THE LAST PERSON I dated was a great person, a total package. She was kind, funny, smart. She was a model and going to school to become a doctor, and she did everything right. A relationship with her would have been great. I wanted to like her, but at the end, I just didn’t feel it. When you love someone, doing stuff feels different. The annoying stuff is part of the package, but when you don’t love them, the annoying stuff is just really annoying.

  Leslie, 30, Los Angeles

  A REASON WHY I wouldn’t commit was because I’d sense a shift in her energy around building a fantasy, versus just being. I could feel that she was more concerned with the destination and label. It was more about arriving versus being. Some people want to climb the mountain to get to the summit; others love the climb and the summit is just a nice break. Societal pressures bake conformity into a fear-based monkey mind, and that makes a person fear losing things.

  Bob, 53, New York

  I’VE STAYED IN casual relationships because the sex was so good and because I like the attention and company. But I’m not that into them, so it doesn’t move past casual.

  Cameron, 28, Austin

  If he tells you he’s not looking for a relationship, believe him.

  If you’re dating someone, whether it’s in the early stages of getting to know him or it’s been many months, the feedback I’ve gathered from several men is that it’s better to be up front about what you want. Many women are afraid that expressing how they feel and what they want in a relationship will scare the guy away. But in fact, what it does is give both people more data on the situation and the ability to make a conscious choice.

  In an interview, Drew, a thirty-five-year-old bachelor in New York, shared that when a woman is up front about how she feels, it provides the clarity he needs to eliminate the gray area: “If someone tells me that they like me and want to explore a relationship and I like them, I’m ecstatic. It gives the reassurance that allows me to lean in and be more vulnerable, which sets up a foundation. But if I don’t really like her or see a future with her, and I know fairly early on, it makes it clear that it’s not okay to engage with her in a casual way.”

  The bottom line is this: men often “know” if there’s future relationship potential fairly soon in the dating process. Generally, they keep it casual not because they are terrible people, but because they enjoy spending time with the person (and having sex) but don’t have strong enough feelings to commit fully. There is nothing you can do to make someone have more feelings for you. Waiting it out, doing more, or trying harder will not change his mind.

  If you express your interest and how you feel, but they don’t match his, he’s not your person. Move on. But if you express that you’re into someone and he is equally interested, then this accelerates the connection. Both outcomes are win-win.

  Karolina: SETTLING FOR CRUMBS

  KAROLINA WAS IN a nonrelationship relationship. In her head, she was dating Ivan exclusively. In Ivan’s head, not so much. This was made clear two years into their “relationship,” when he casually told her over Mexican food that he was excited about a date he was going on.

  “He broke the news to me in the same casual tone as he’d ask me to pass the salsa,” Karolina exclaimed.

  Karolina and Ivan were friends for six years, and when he went through his divorce, they crossed the line from friends to lovers. This lasted for about three months. But after that period, while Ivan continued coming to her house daily, sleeping over, eating meals, and running day-to-day errands with her, they were no longer intimate. They didn’t have sex or share any physical affection. At first, Karolina would make her needs for touch known and try initiating hugs or kisses. Ivan rebuffed her, telling her, “I just gotta get my life together.”

  “I opened my heart, my home, my body to him. And even when he didn’t reciprocate, I didn’t stop giving—I just stopped expecting anything in return.”

  Karolina knew that Ivan wasn’t capable of being in touch with his emotions or deep intimacy. He admitted to never really having opened up his heart to anyone, including his ex-wife of twenty-two years. He confided that communication was an issue with everyone in his life, even his family. But his history didn’t matter to Karolina, who thought that what they had was special enough for him to change.

  “I knew he wasn’t well equipped for a healthy relationship, but I thought he would learn how and change, because he’d think I was worth it.”

  Karolina thought their lack of intimacy meant a relationship rough spot—just a phase where he was figuring himself out post-divorce. She rationalized that she would keep being supportive and devoted to him, not mentioning things that bothered her to avoid seeming confrontational. This nonrelationship went on for another eighteen months, until that fateful day over nachos when he told her he was going on a date with someone else.

  When Karolina told this story upon her arrival at Renew, it was a tale full of projection. She vilified Ivan as the jerk who betrayed her, who took advantage of her heart. But throughout the weekend, as she learned how to separate fact from fiction, she came to the realization that she was never actually in a relationship with Ivan. She had wanted him so badly that she settled for anything she could get, not wanting to discuss the truth of the situation because secretly she was scared she’d lose him.

  A few months after Karolina’s attendance at Renew, we spoke. While she still goes through ups and downs, she now realizes her part in the situation and embraces lessons she will take with her into the future.

  “Having the tools I have now, if I were to go back in time I would have been up front with what I needed before we crossed the line from friends to lovers. And if he wasn’t ready, willing, and able, I would have not invested in him the way I did. I also realize that because Ivan ‘showed up’ by coming by the house daily, and I never got this from other guys I dated, I would rationalize away all the other things I wasn’t getting in the relationship.”

  Her tune about Ivan’s character changed from him being a villain to him being a nice guy who ultimately just didn’t like her the same way she liked him. Fact. End of story.

  The truth may hurt in the moment of realization. But it will ultimately set you free.

  REAL DATING

  We now know how to not date. We know not to invest in people who are not investing in us, that chemistry alone doesn’t make a relationship last, and that even if we get hurt in relationshi
ps, we have the resilience and tools to get back up, stronger and wiser. Now let’s explore what real dating looks like, starting with some dating hacks that will help you increase your personal magnetism.

  R.I.P., Resting Bitch Face

  When two singles spot each other across the room and feel an immediate attraction, who do you think makes the first move—the man or the woman? Many of you will probably guess that it’s the man who makes the first move, but studies show that this isn’t necessarily true. A study conducted at Bucknell University revealed that men rarely approach women without significant eye play first. In fact, women had to make an average of thirteen short and direct glances before a man dared to approach.5

  But before the man approaches, he will subconsciously engage in “space maximization movements,” where he will use his body to make himself appear bigger and more dominant. For example, he may stretch his arms across the backs of the chairs, spread his legs while seated, or put his thumbs in his belt loops. These are open body movements that convey social power and persuasive personalities, whereas closed body positions such as folded arms or rounded shoulders convey a lower position in the pecking order. The study showed that men made an average of nineteen space-maximization gestures (all while sneaking glances at the target female to gauge interest) before he approached.

  For women who want to enhance their attractiveness and increase their number of interested suitors, it’s important to master the eye gaze. Psychologist Monica Moore states that no successful romantic encounter happens without the eyes meeting first, and she identified three main forms of gaze in the courtship dance. First, there is the room-encompassing glance, a five- to ten-second scan of the room (during which a woman raises her chin, arches her back, and sticks out her chest). Second, there is the short darting glance, which is targeted at a specific man and repeated several times. Third, there is the direct gaze that lasts longer than three seconds. Smiling while initiating the gaze is extremely powerful in garnering interest. Once eye contact is made, the dance begins. The woman’s head and neck become the focal point, and she subconsciously draws attention to this area by flipping her hair or trailing her fingers along her neck. She might also laugh and nod her head, and adjust her body to face the object of her desire.6