Breakup Bootcamp

by Amy Chan

  PART 1

  Close your eyes and do some deep breathing to get yourself in a calm, relaxed state. Fast-forward to a year from now. Imagine you are waking up and you’re about to have your perfect day. What do you see? Are you by yourself or with a partner? Is there sunlight pouring through the windows? Can you hear the sounds of the ocean? Visualize what’s around you: what you hear, what you see, what you smell, what you feel.

  Visualize your partner and feel the warm feelings of love and support you share. How do you feel with your partner? Imagine what the two of you are doing. Play out an experience with your partner that makes you feel everything you dream of feeling, as if it’s already true. Embrace this feeling of love. Feel the support, the trust, the peaceful energy.

  Now continue visualizing your day. Maybe you go for a walk or head to work. Go through the rest of your perfect day and feel how fulfilled you feel, how loved, how supported; summon all the warm feelings and be excited and thankful for the life you’ve created.

  When you’ve completed your perfect day, open your eyes.

  PART 2

  Take out a sheet of paper or use your journal, and on the top of the page, write the date for one year from today. Pretend this is your journal entry a year from now. Recount the visualization you just did, and in first person, write down this perfect day that’s just unfolded. Write it in detail, including how you felt. Summon the feelings of warmth, love, and gratitude while you write—just like how you write your gratitude journal.

  We do this exercise together on the last day at Renew. The women are encouraged to revisit the letter and use the tool of visualization to bring it to life. On the first anniversary of their retreat, the women open up their journals and share what’s come true in their group chat.

  Mandy

  MANDY CAME TO the Valentine’s Breakup Bootcamp in 2018, recovering from a breakup with her first love. She was living in San Francisco at the time and had dreams of moving to Los Angeles. Exactly a year later, she attended her second bootcamp. She was in a new relationship (the one she was reciting her I-hate-you speech for in the car) and wanted to learn how to manage her anxious attachment. She brought her manifestation journal entry she wrote the year before and shared it with the group.

  I’m sitting in my beautiful garden in my new house in Los Angeles. The sun is beaming on my face and my dog (a cute French bulldog) is running around, playing in the grass. I’m sipping my cup of tea, writing in my journal, and feel so peaceful and calm. My partner is in the kitchen making breakfast. I feel so grateful for his love and support. He’s kind, generous, affectionate, and we have so much fun together. . . .

  The journal entry continues to describe how her day unfolds, her fulfilling job in nursing, and the new community of friends she’s created. While not every item had manifested, a lot had. She had moved to L.A., was living in a beautiful home with a garden, had gotten a dog, and was accepted to the nursing program she had dreamed of. A year later, on February 4, 2020, I received a text from her:

  I wanted to share some wonderful news. I’m finally in a very beautiful, healthy conscious partnership and I owe a lot of reverence to the lessons I have learned from the retreats. We started working on our love contract yesterday and it was a very beautiful, safe, and bonding experience. He loves the values checklist and it helped confirm we’re compatible beyond chemistry. So thank you for being a guiding light in my love life. After all the tears, this has been SO worth it.

  10

  Happily Ever After 2.0

  You can only heal a broken heart through allowing it to open again; a closed heart remains a wounded heart. Many battles may be lost but you are not broken and you are not your wounds.

  Christine Evangelou1

  There’s a technique in Japan called kintsugi, where broken ceramics are repaired with gold resin. The cracks are not hidden; rather they are accentuated, making the piece more beautiful than it was before. Kintsugi can be a great metaphor for life. Our scars, our history—including the parts of us that once felt broken—are what give us character and beauty.

  You are not the same person you were when you started this book. New seeds have been planted and will continue to grow as you integrate the knowledge into experience. It’s important to remember that the journey doesn’t end here; it’s actually just beginning. With your newfound awareness, heightened consciousness, and an arsenal of tools by your side, the goal is not to sit back and coast, whether you’re single or coupled. Keep doing the work. Keep striving to evolve and grow. This is a lifetime journey. It’s not about chasing the traditional happily ever after, because that doesn’t exist.

  This book has taught you how to create a new version of happily ever after, one that has nothing to do with your romantic partners and everything to with you. When your emotional core is strong, you can handle ups and downs without falling apart, you stay grounded in reality, you choose compassion . . . you lead with love. Your sense of wholeness is not dictated by your relationship. You feel at peace, regardless of your relationship status. This is the happily ever after I hope you keep fighting for.

  HEALED PEOPLE HEAL PEOPLE

  I’ve made it my life’s mission to help people heal their hearts. I believe a broken heart is like a deadly weapon, and if the heartbreak goes unattended, people continue to hurt themselves and anyone who crosses their path. The hurt has a domino effect. The same goes for a healed heart. People whose hearts are full of love spread love to others. It’s a positive ripple effect.

  The final step in your healing process is to help another person. The last exercise we do at Renew is to write a love letter to another woman who is experiencing heartbreak. The women are prompted to channel their inner wise sage and, using the lessons they’ve learned, write a letter of support to the next class of Renew participants. They all end their letters in the same way:

  From one woman to another, you are not alone.

  The next group of participants will receive the letters on the first day of the bootcamp. It’s a beautiful cycle of sharing love, because after all, we’re a connected sisterhood. And we are all in this life together. Your last exercise for this book, if you feel so called, is to write such a letter to another woman.

  Channel your own inner wise sage, and write a letter sharing what you now know. Pass on your wisdom and let someone else know that even if she doesn’t think so now, she will be okay. When you’re done, snap a photo of your letter and send it to us! We’ll post a selection of love letters on RenewBreakupBootcamp.com, and this way, women from all over the world will have a chance to feel the strength of other women through times of their deepest hurt.

  A LOVE STORY

  Adam and I are sitting in my favorite café in SoHo. Seven years after our breakup, here we are, laughing and poking fun at each other. He jokes he should have shares in my business and gives me advice on how to scale. I give him love advice on how to communicate better with his girlfriend. Oh, the irony of it all.

  It’s taken a traumatic breakup, hurtful words, and a lot of healing of pain to get to a place where we genuinely love each other. Our relationship was not a failure; it was a necessary point in both of our lives that helped us on our paths of healing and self-discovery. Today, I consider Adam one of my closest friends, and we both want nothing but the best for each other.

  I believe that all the men who have come in and out of my life were important points along my journey. Each taught me a lesson and in that growth I got closer to a state of being where I truly loved myself. Each forced me to reflect on the childhood wounds and negative story lines I had accumulated through time. Each helped me realize that nobody has the responsibility or power to make me happy or fulfilled but me.

  I’ve learned to base my happiness on the things I can control—my energy, my kindness, my ability to help, inspire, and impact others—my empowerment. With a baseline of joy and peace, life events and hardships may bruise me but will not break me.

  Pain is something our society
avoids. We stop ourselves from being open and vulnerable, from truly connecting with others out of a fear of trauma. But the emotions that come with pain—the good, the bad, and the ugly—are all a part of the spectrum of feeling that makes life colorful.

  And when you happen to experience pain of the romantic kind, you can reach a place of acceptance, with a knowing that a heartbreak will not destroy you. You can choose to bounce back. And you will. That journey is empowering.

  This leads me to the love part of this story, and no, there is no prince involved.

  You see, this is and always has been my love story—and it has nothing to do with Adam or anyone else for that matter. Rather, this has been a story in the making for a very long time. All the heartaches, the lessons, the highs and lows, the various characters who have made an appearance—they have all been critical to the plot. Because it is through those twists and turns that I have finally realized that love stories begin and end with you. Anyone else who shares a part of that journey is an added bonus.

  To know the risks of being vulnerable and openhearted, but to go ahead with reckless abandon in the spirit of creating something spectacular and awe-inspiring—that is courage.

  To allow yourself to sit with the negative emotions that come from heartache instead of numbing out—that is strength.

  To face your fears of abandonment and rejection without allowing disappointment to harden you, to get back up in the face of it with a blank slate and hope—that is resilience.

  To know that nobody has the power to make or break your baseline of joy—that is empowerment.

  And in a time when your heart is aching, to hold compassion for yourself as well as for the person who hurt you—that is love.

  THE HEARTACHES WERE WORTH IT

  When I was twenty-five, my boyfriend came home and told me he wanted to break up because he didn’t feel “butterflies” anymore. This was after I bought us an apartment.

  When I was twenty-nine, the man I thought I’d eventually marry cheated on me. The pain was so excruciating that I spiraled into depression.

  When I was thirty-three, my boyfriend broke up with me, saying he wasn’t sexually attracted to me. I’d later find out via Instagram that he had been cheating on me the entire time we were together.

  When I was thirty-seven, I finally learned how to love myself enough to truly be able to love someone else.

  To say I’ve struggled in the love department is an understatement. Which is exactly why I made it my life’s work to understand this mysterious thing that can bring such joy yet so much pain.

  It’s taken a lot of heartbreak for me to learn it’s not love that hurts; it’s what we too often confuse for love. In retrospect, I don’t think I ever really knew what love was. I sought love from others to fulfill what I did not have in myself—and that is not love, it’s codependence.

  It’s been quite a ride. I’ve overturned every rock to understand the origins of my wounds and heal them. I’ve cultivated practices of self-love, compassion, and mindfulness that through the years have had an enormous cumulative effect on my overall sense of joy and inner peace. I’ve developed the discipline to pause before reacting to every emotion that pops up. I’ve learned to be comfortable with discomfort, to self-soothe, and to be perfectly content in my own company. I’ve also kissed dozens of frogs along the way. I’ve fallen and gotten back up—on repeat. There’ve been multiple times when I just wanted to close up my heart for good. Through it all, the one affirmation I’ve clung to is this:

  Our greatest lesson in this lifetime is to practice opening our hearts, even when it hurts. Especially when it hurts.

  Opening our hearts is a constant practice of choosing compassion over judgment, love over fear, and softening over hardening. Each time we choose to act with compassion, pause before reacting, or approach a conflict with curiosity versus defensiveness—those are all steps rooted in love. The steps add up. Love is the journey. The good news is each day is a new day, and you are empowered to choose which direction you want.

  It took me a few decades to love myself and get to a place where the people I was attracted to (and attracting) were healthy and available. Gone were the days of tolerating bad behavior or chasing men who weren’t into me. But even though the quality of men I was meeting was drastically higher, I still wasn’t meeting my match. It wasn’t until I had an aha moment after a conversation with a friend of mine that I saw that perhaps I wasn’t as openhearted as I thought I was.

  My friend Hugo is one of the most conscious, self-aware, emotionally intelligent people I know. We were catching up over tea one day, and he was telling me about his new girlfriend. He had committed to her quickly, and I asked him why he had made that choice.

  “I decided to jump in with both feet and love her with reckless abandon.”

  Hugo wasn’t doing this out of recklessness, however. His choice to fully open his heart and commit wasn’t coming from a place of hurt or insecurity. In fact, it was quite the opposite. Hugo has such a strong foundation, a chemistry compass in good working order, that even if he opened up his heart with full vulnerability and it didn’t work out, he’d be okay. His “house” would still be standing. He wouldn’t break into a million pieces, because his identity and sense of self-worth would not ever be based on his relationship.

  That night I reflected on our conversation. I realized that I still approached love with a gate around my heart. Because I broke into pieces after my past breakups, I had never fully opened my heart for fear of repeating the same trauma. Back then, I wasn’t equipped to handle it.

  But I was different now. If I opened my heart fully and got hurt, I would be okay. I am resilient. I have a strong foundation, tools for emotional regulation, and healthier relationship skills. I am no longer the codependent, anxiously attached girl who once based my identity and world around a man. The rug would not be pulled out from beneath me ever again, because I would never make someone the ground I was standing on.

  OUR GREATEST LESSON IN THIS LIFETIME IS TO PRACTICE OPENING OUR HEARTS, EVEN WHEN IT HURTS. ESPECIALLY WHEN IT HURTS.

  I could love unafraid.

  I made a decision to open my heart, to follow my chemistry compass that was now in good working order, and to approach love with reckless abandon, like Hugo. My energy shifted. Shortly after, I met Paul.

  Apparently, a friend had tried to set me up with Paul before, but I had declined. I don’t even remember, but it goes to show how closed I was. I matched with Paul on a dating app, and we had fun banter via text. On my way to our first date, I set an intention. I was going to be completely open, show up with full presence and curiosity, and have a good time.

  We met for a drink and the conversation was easy. There was a connection—what kind of connection I wasn’t sure. I just knew I was having fun. After our second Aperol Spritz, he asked if I wanted to grab a bite. I said yes. We ended up going to seven different venues that night. The date ended eight hours later with pizza and our first kiss.

  After our first date, Paul deleted his dating apps. I stopped looking at mine but didn’t delete them. I recall, after two weeks of dating, the thought came to mind that I should just check out who was messaging me on the apps. I thought about acting a bit aloof and mysterious toward Paul. But then I stopped myself. What was I thinking? Why would I punish this guy by hedging, by playing games, when he was showing up so beautifully? Both his words and actions were showing me that he was investing in building a relationship. I had to shake off the remnants of bad habits I still had kicking around, which were fear based, not love based.

  I decided to continue listening to my heart, which was saying a loud YES.

  At age thirty-seven, I met the man whom I would not only fall in love with but commit to standing in love with. The former is fleeting; the latter is a practice. The former you have no control over, but the latter you choose. Love is an action. It’s something that is created with another person.

  Looking back, I realize that each
relationship, each rejection, each heartache, was a bridge. Sure, maybe I had to cross the same old bridge a few times over in order to finally learn the lesson. Eventually, I crossed enough bridges to get to where I am today—love as a state of being. This is love for myself that gives me the capacity to share love with another. Perhaps that’s the greatest lesson of all: I was born with that love; it’s always been inside me. No matter what plot twists I may experience, that love has been and always will be right here.

  IT’S MONDAY MORNING AT RENEW, and we are about to have our last session together. The women are in high spirits, laughing and chatting before my session starts. We start off with a check-in and go around the circle with each person sharing one word to describe how she’s feeling and a key takeaway she’s learned.

  “I’m feeling hopeful,” Sheena says. “I came here thinking it was because of my ex, and now I’m like, ‘Uh, what’s his name?’” She chuckles. “I’ve realized that this is about me. It’s about my patterns of codependence, and I’m going to take a break from dating and focus on investing in me.”

  “I feel grateful,” says Jenny, tearing up. “The support of everyone here has been so incredible. I’ve got a lot of work to do. And I’m a bit anxious about going home and having to deal with it all. But I feel good that I have tools to help me.”

  “I’m feeling all sorts of things. Empowered, excited, scared,” says Priya. “I want to let go of judgment and fear, which I think have been ruling my life. I think realizing I have an anxious attachment style and that’s not my fault and that I can become more secure was big for me.”

  The women continue going around the circle sharing their experiences and key lessons learned over the weekend. There is a buzz in the air; they feel alive, bubbling with a positive force of energy. To witness the transformation of the women in just a few days is mind-blowing. It’s this exact moment, when I see their smiling faces and eyes lit up, feeling empowered to make changes in their life, I am reminded that I’m exactly where I should be. This is what I was meant to do. As a last exercise, I take them outside, encouraging them to walk barefoot on the grass so they can feel grounded in nature. The sun is shining bright, and there’s a cool breeze in the air.