by Amy Chan
Jon Hopkins’s song “Immunity” is playing on repeat in the background. Other than the music, this is a silent exercise, and the most powerful. I set the guidelines for the exercise:
“We will each take a turn standing in the center and making eye contact with each person standing on the outside. Everyone on the outside of the circle, send supportive and loving energy to the person in the middle. See her in her fullest potential. See her for all the possibilities and dreams she has in store for her. When it’s your turn to go in the middle, try not to rush and really soak it in. Put your hand to your heart if that helps you anchor the moment. Your only job is to receive the love.”
Cindy is first to stand in the center. She’s standing tall and smiling. You can feel the other women’s supportive energy and how much they are rooting for her. When she makes her way through the circle to me, we lock eyes and I can feel her gratitude. She nods her head, acknowledging me. Her one look expresses a million words. I nod back and smile. I know she’s got this.
One by one, the women take their turn. Some put their hand to their heart, anchoring the feeling of love. Not one is able to complete the circle without tears. But these are different tears. These are tears of feeling profoundly seen, supported, held, understood, acknowledged, and loved. I see each woman and recognize how beautiful, powerful, and strong she is. And then it’s my turn. I step into the middle, and this time, it’s my turn to practice receiving love. I make eye contact with Priya first. I can feel her gratitude. I can feel her love. I take a deep breath and soak it in. What an honor it is, to be a part of their journey and a character in their new story.
With tears still streaming down my face, nose running and all, I share my last thoughts.
“This is love. Romantic love is just one form of it. The love shared throughout this weekend, the compassion and empathy for one another, is love in action. You all feel it, you’ve all connected to it; it’s inside you, it’s in your cells. Hold on to this moment, and in the times when you need a reminder, tap back into this feeling of love. You are loved. You are love.”
* * *
EXERCISE: Update Your Story
Chapter by chapter, this book has challenged some of your old perspectives and has taken you through different exercises in order to help you practice the skill of reframing. We started the book with an exercise where you took your ten-point story and refined it to five points, removing the interpretations, assumptions, and cognitive distortions in between.
We know how powerful our stories are in shaping our lives. My intention was for you to begin this book with one story and finish with another—a narrative that serves you now and in your future.
In this last exercise, review the five-point story you wrote from chapter one. This time, you get to add five points. You can choose to add lessons you’ve learned, perspective shifts, the meaning you’ve now derived from the breakup, and even possibilities for the future.
In this updated story you’re not the victim of what happened. No, in this 2.0 version you are the heroine of an epic adventure. You loved and your heart got bruised, and that catapulted you on a journey to learn about yourself, heal old wounds, and shift limiting beliefs.
When you finish this new story, compare it to the original ten-point story you started with. What do you notice? What has changed?
This was never just about the ex. It was always about you.
THIS IS THE BEGINNING
Congratulations for making it to the end of this book and the beginning of your next life chapter. I know there were probably some passages that stirred up some uncomfortable emotions. It takes courage to look inside yourself, take accountability, and choose change.
You cannot change your destination in an instant, but you can choose to change your direction right now.
Without a doubt there will be ups and downs as you move forward. Becoming more aware and more conscious is not easy. But it’s worth it. When your eyes open, you can’t go back to the life before. Pain was your catalyst to seek change, and inspiration will be the fuel to maintain momentum.
Your life is one great choose-your-own-adventure story. You are the author.
All the heartaches, the hardships, the heroes, and the villains—they’ve all been critical to the plot. From the ones who let you down to the ones who touched your soul—that’s character development.
Your scars add wisdom.
When things don’t go as planned, when you feel lost in the ebbs, remember, it’s just another plot twist. After all, you’re still writing your story. Make it one worth telling.
Here’s to your new beginning, renewed.
Acknowledgments
First and foremost I want to thank my family. My sisters, Alice and Anita, who played school with me and taught me how to read and spell. Alice—your Save the Ocean cake and mango book initiatives really paid off. My mom, Mee Ping, who supported my Archie comic book obsession and let me pursue every extracurricular activity I wanted—thank you for your love and belief in me. My dad, Kay Mau, who supported my education and passed on his entrepreneurial savvy. My aunts Anna, Laura, Mirian, and Rosie, and my uncle Roberto, who treated me like I was one of their own and gave me a childhood of play and fun.
To my partner, Paul—words cannot describe the appreciation and love I have for you. Thank you for your support, for encouraging me, and for holding my hand during the hard times. Your love helps me stand even taller, and reach even further.
To my chosen family—you know who you are. Thank you being my greatest cheering squad.
A note of appreciation to Arash—thank you for being a part of this journey.
A huge thank you to Carrie Thornton. You were my compass while writing this book, and I am grateful for your vision, insight, and guidance in transforming this into a manuscript I’m proud of. Thank you to the team at HarperCollins for your enthusiastic professionalism in getting this book together—it takes a village and I’m fortunate you’re in mine. Special thanks to Mandy Stadtmiller and Kimberly Miller for your support in editing.
Thank you to my agent, Meredith Miller, for championing my book; to Mary Pender for seeing the big “picture,” and to the team at United Talent Agency. I’d like to acknowledge and thank Marc Gerald and Kim Koba, who first contacted me with the idea to turn my concept into a book.
Thank you to Neil Strauss—for your friendship, for encouraging me when I was self-conscious about my writing, and for inviting me to that dinner that changed the course of my career. Adam Robinson, thank you for your genius ideas and the inspiring chats. Matt Mullenweg, thank you for your loving support and for always cheering me on. To the Mupps—you’ve been a big part of my growth, and life is sweeter with you both and our adventures together.
Thank you to all the facilitators at Renew, who have poured their passion, heart, and soul into sharing their wisdom and being such an integral part of the healing journey for so many women. Shout-out to those who have been critical to Renew’s growth: Kieran Swanson, Erika Laurion, Taryn Kristal, Jennifer Maloney, Patrycja Slawuta, Gina Marie, Maria Soledad, Alicia Marie, and Puneet Grewal. Special thanks to the teachers who shared their insight in shaping the curriculum and content of this book: Dr. Naomi Arbit, Dr. Erica Matluck, Dr. Elaina Zendegui, Trish Barillas, Nicole Boyar, Cynthia Dennis, Susan Spiegel Solovay, Lauren Harkness, Amy Jo Goddard, and Colette.
Thank you to the women who have participated in Renew for trusting me with your hearts and for showing up so courageously. A special thank-you to the women who were interviewed for this book—your strength in transmuting your pain into strength and wisdom is inspiring, and your stories will no doubt help others in their healing journey.
Notes
CHAPTER 1
1.Alice Boyes, “What Is Psychological Shock? And 5 Tips for Coping,” Psychology Today, March 6, 2018, https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/in-practice/201803/what-is-psychological-shock-and-5-tips-coping.
2.Paul W. Eastwick et al., “Mispredicting Distress
Following Romantic Breakup: Revealing the Time Course of the Affective Forecasting Error,” Journal of Experimental Social Psychology 44, no. 3 (2008): 800-807, doi: 10.1016/j.jesp.2007.07.001.
3.Korin Miller, “OK, but Seriously, How Long Does It Take to Get Over a Breakup?,” Glamour, May 28, 2019, https://www.glamour.com/story/how-long-should-it-take-to-get-over-my-ex.
4.Gary W. Lewandowski Jr. and Nicole M. Bizzoco, “Addition Through Subtraction: Growth Following the Dissolution of a Low Quality Relationship,” The Journal of Positive Psychology 2, no. 1 (2007): 40–54, doi: 10.1080/17439760601069234.
5.Helen E. Fisher et al., “Reward, Addiction, and Emotion Regulation Systems Associated with Rejection in Love,” Journal of Neurophysiology 104, no. 1 (July 2010): 51–60, doi: 10.1152/jn.00784.2009.
6.Meghan Laslocky, “This Is Your Brain on Heartbreak,” Greater Good Magazine, February 15, 2013, https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/this_is_your_brain_on_heartbreak.
7.Ibid.
8.Meghan Laslocky, The Little Book of Heartbreak: Love Gone Wrong Through the Ages (New York: Plume, 2013), 99.
9.“New Theory of Synapse Formation in the Brain,” ScienceDaily, October 10, 2013, https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2013/10/131010205325.htm.
10.Jill Bolte Taylor, My Stroke of Insight (London: Hachette, 2009), 153.
11.Amir Levine and Rachel S. F. Heller, Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find and Keep Love (New York: TarcherPerigee, 2012), 166.
12.David R. Hamilton, “Does Your Brain Distinguish Real from Imaginary?,” David R. Hamilton (blog), October 30, 2014, https://drdavidhamilton.com/does-your-brain-distinguish-real-from-imaginary/.
13.“Cognitive Distortion,” Wikipedia, https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cognitive_distortion.
14.Ryan Martin, “What Is Overgeneralizing? How It’s Defined and Why You Should Never Do It,” Psychology Today, August 1, 2019, https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/all-the-rage/201908/what-is-overgeneralizing.
15.Ayelet Boussi, “Cognitive Strategies for Getting Through a Breakup,” Cognitive Therapy for Women, January 3, 2019, http://www.ctwomen.org/blog/2019/1/3/cognitive-strategies-for-getting-through-a-breakup.
16.Collin M. Parkes, “Bereavement in Adult Life,” British Medical Journal 316, no. 7134 (March 1998): 856–59.
17.“Understanding Anger,” Gooey Brains (blog), http://gooeybrains.com/2016/08/02/understanding-anger/.
18.Sue Johnson and Kenneth Sanderfer, Created for Connection: The “Hold Me Tight” Guide for Christian Couples (Boston: Little, Brown, 2016), 54.
19.Lisa A. Phillips, “The Blistering Break-Up,” Psychology Today, May 2015, https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/articles/201505/the-blistering-break?collection=1076803.
20.Coco Ballantyne, “Can a Person Be Scared to Death?,” Scientific American, January 30, 2009, http://www.scientificamerican.com/article/scared-to-death-heart-attack/.
21.David Puder, “Polyvagal Theory Simplified,” Psychiatry & Psychotherapy (podcast), July 9, 2018, https://psychiatrypodcast.com/psychiatry-psychotherapy-podcast/polyvagal-theory-understanding-emotional-shutdown.
22.Jenn Tomomitsu, “How to Release Trauma: Shake Like a Gazelle,” Medium, December 4, 2019, https://medium.com/@j.tomomitsu/shake-like-a-gazelle-how-to-release-trauma-abebf51eb747.
23.“Video: Breathing Exercises: 4-7-8 Breath,” Weil, https://www.drweil.com/videos-features/videos/breathing-exercises-4-7-8-breath/.
24.Mark Hyman Rapaport, Pamela Schettler, and Catherine Bresee, “A Preliminary Study of the Effects of a Single Session of Swedish Massage on Hypothalamic-Pituitary-Adrenal and Immune Function in Normal Individuals,” Journal of Alternative and Complementary Medicine 16, no. 10 (October 2010): 1079–88, doi: 10.1089/acm.2009.0634.
25.Mary E. Larimer et al., “Relapse Prevention: An Overview of Marlatt’s Cognitive-Behavioral Model,” Alcohol Research & Health 23, no. 2 (1999): 151–60.
26.Shahram Heshmat, “Why Cravings Occur: Craving and Trigger Factors,” Psychology Today, January 7, 2015, https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/science-choice/201501/why-cravings-occur.
27.Robert J. Zatorre and Valorie N. Salimpoor, “Why Music Makes Our Brain Sing,” New York Times, June 7, 2013, https://www.nytimes.com/2013/06/09/opinion/sunday/why-music-makes-our-brain-sing.html.
28.Linda Graham, Bouncing Back: Rewiring Your Brain for Maximum Resilience and Well-Being (Novato, CA: New World Library, 2013), 174.
29.Richard J. Davidson et al., “Alterations in Brain and Immune Function Produced by Mindfulness Meditation,” Psychosomatic Medicine 65, no. 4 (July 2003): 564–70, doi: 10.1097/01.PSY.0000077505.67574.E3.
30.Sue McGreevey, “Eight Weeks to a Better Brain,” Harvard Gazette, January 21, 2011, https://news.harvard.edu/gazette/story/2011/01/eight-weeks-to-a-better-brain/.
31.“Just a Passing Cloud—A Meditation for Unpleasant Thoughts,” William R. Marchand MD, August 28, 2015, https://williamrmarchandmd.com/just-a-passing-cloud-a-meditation-on-anxiety-provoking-thoughts/.
32.Jonathan Haidt, The Happiness Hypothesis: Finding Modern Truth in Ancient Wisdom (New York: Basic Books, 2006), 85.
33.Ibid, 94.
34.Jane Weaver, “Puppy Love—It’s Better Than You Think,” NBC News, n.d., http://www.nbcnews.com/id/4625213/ns/health-pet_health/t/puppy-love—its-better-you-think/#.XsdxvGgzaUl.
35.Robert A. Emmons and Michael E. McCullough, “Counting Blessings Versus Burdens: An Experimental Investigation of Gratitude and Subjective Well-Being in Daily Life,” Journal of Personality and Social Psychology 84, no. 2 (2003): 377–89, doi: 10.1037/0022-3514.84.2.377; Sonja Lyubomirsky, Kennon M. Sheldon, and David Schkade, “Pursuing Happiness: The Architecture of Sustainable Change,” Review of General Psychology 9, no. 2 (2005): 111–31, doi: 10.1037/1089-2680.9.2.111.
36.Rodlescia S. Sneed and Sheldon Cohen, “A Prospective Study of Volunteerism and Hypertension Risk in Older Adults,” Psychology and Aging 28, no. 2 (2013): 578–86, doi: 10.1037/a0032718.
37.“Study Describes Brain Changes During Learning,” ScienceDaily, October 20, 2000, https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2000/10/001020092659.htm.
38.Gary Marcus, “Happy New Year: Pick Up a New Skill,” New Yorker, December 20, 2012, https://www.newyorker.com/news/news-desk/happy-new-year-pick-up-a-new-skill.
39.Marcel Schwantes, “Want to Increase Your Happiness This Year? Science Says 1 Rare Habit Truly Stands Out,” Inc., January 9, 2018, https://www.inc.com/marcel-schwantes/want-to-be-much-happier-starting-tomorrow-practice-this-1-habit-rarely-found-at-work.html.
40.Ioanna Roumeliotis, “Shawn Achor’s 6 Exercises for Happiness,” CBC News, April 22, 2015, http://www.cbc.ca/news/health/shawn-achor-s-6-exercises-for-happiness-1.3040937.
CHAPTER 2
1.Bethany Saltman, “Can Attachment Theory Explain All Our Relationships?” The Cut, July 2016, https://www.thecut.com/2016/06/attachment-theory-motherhood-c-v-r.html.
2.Sue Johnson, Love Sense: The Revolutionary New Science of Romantic Relationships (New York: Little, Brown, 2013), 86.
3.Ibid., 88.
4.Joyce Catlett, “Avoidant Attachment: Understanding Insecure Avoidant Attachment,” PsychAlive, https://www.psychalive.org/anxious-avoidant-attachment/.
5.Ibid.
6.Ibid.
7.Alexandra Katehakis, “Distorted Love: Adult Attachment Styles and Love Addiction,” The Meadows, March 6, 2017, https://www.themeadows.com/blog/distorted-love-adult-attachment-styles-and-love-addiction/.
8.Darlene Lancer, “How to Change Your Attachment Style,” PyschCentral, October 8, 2018, https://psychcentral.com/lib/how-to-change-your-attachment-style/.
9.Levine and Heller, Attached, 119.
10.Catlett, “Avoidant Attachment.”
11.Ibid.
12.“The Roots of Love Addiction,” Love Addiction Treatment, https://www.loveaddictiontreatment.com/the-roots-of-love-addiction/.
13.Ibid.
14.Catlett, “Anxious Attachment
.”
15.April D. Hussar, “Are You Attracted to Your ‘Emotional Opposite’?,” Self, April 3, 2012, https://www.self.com/story/are-you-attracted-to-your-emot.
16.Berit Brogaard, “Attachment Styles Can’t Change, Can They?,” Psychology Today, February 12, 2015, https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-mysteries-love/201502/attachment-styles-cant-change-can-they.
17.Amy Banks, Wired to Connect: The Surprising Link Between Brain Science and Strong, Healthy Relationships (New York: Penguin, 2015), 157.
18.Ibid.
19.Pia Mellody, Facing Love Addiction: Giving Yourself the Power to Change the Way You Love (New York: HarperCollins, 1992), 92.
20.“Putting Feelings into Words Produces Therapeutic Effects in the Brain,” ScienceDaily, June 22, 2007, https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2007/06/070622090727.htm.
21.Ornish Living, “The Science Behind Why Naming Our Feelings Makes Us Happier,” HuffPost, May 15, 2015, http://www.huffingtonpost.com/ornish-living/the-science-behind-why-na_b_7174164.html.
22.Ken Page, “Recognizing Your Attractions of Deprivation,” Psychology Today, April 3, 2011, https://www.psychologytoday.com/ie/blog/finding-love/201104/recognizing-your-attractions-deprivation?amp.
23.Banks, Wired to Connect, 97.
CHAPTER 3
1.Courtney E. Ackerman, “Learned Helplessness: Seligman’s Theory of Depression (+ Cure),” Positive Psychology, May 12, 2020, https://positivepsychology.com/learned-helplessness-seligman-theory-depression-cure/.
2.“The Elephant Syndrome: Learned Helplessness,” Performance Management Counseling, January 7, 2014, https://pmcounseling.wordpress.com/2014/01/07/the-elephant-syndrome-learned-helplessness/.